Chapter Ten

Alex on the Mend

Ross looks into her eyes, fear is all he can see, he steps forward, "Detective," he reaches for her, "Alex I'm so very sorry. That was an insensitive thing to say. Please except my apology."

She nods, picks up her bag and brushes by her CO. She pushes the button on the elevator, the doors opens and she steps inside, wiping the tears from her eyes, as the doors close. "Home, can I ever go home." The doors open to the ninth floor and an unfamiliar face steps in. I wonder if he knows what happened to me. The two ride the elevator down to the garage in silence. Alex stays behind to let the stranger exit first.

She walks quickly through the parking lot, passing her is Logan and his new partner Nola Falacci. Logan nods to her, "Eames, how are you?"

Alex stops short, "How am I?" she whispers. I wish I knew. Turning her head away from the couple, "Fine, I'm fine Logan." She jogs to her vehicle. Once inside, she starts up the car, "Where am I going to go?" The hospital is her first thought. She went into his room on Sunday morning but he was asleep. When she left the hospital, Doctor Vincent told her that Bobby requested that he didn't want visitors. She puts the car in reserve and the wheels squeal as she drives out of the lot onto the street. One eye on the road and one eye on her cell phone she calls the hospital, it is as it was this morning, no phone calls, either. She tosses the phone onto the passenger seat. She decides to drive to the hospital anyway.

St. John's Hospital

Walking quickly she enters the hospital, stopping at the reception desk, "Robert Goren's room."

The silver haired woman keys in some information on the computer keyboard, shakes her head as she looks up. "I'm sorry Miss but he is not seeing visitors." Abruptly Alex turns, "That stupid son of a bitch," she says under her breath. She turns back and walks up to the desk, "Could you do me a favor and call his room and tell him that Alex needs….wants to see him."

The senior citizen looks to the computer screen again, "You're the one who has been calling. The reason that we could not connect you to his room is that….he doesn't have a phone in his room, Miss I'm sorry."

Feeling defeated and hurt she walks slowly out the door and onto the sidewalk, she walks off the curb and comes within inches of getting hit by a car, the man inside curses her out, she continues to walk not acknowledging him.

He blames me and he's right it was my fault that he was hurt. For close to five minutes she walks around the parking lot, as it starts to rain she comes upon her car. Opening the door a thought enters her mind. Where, where am I going to go? My parents' house? No, I can't go back there, they mean well but they treat me as if I'm made out of glass. If I hear my Mom say to me one more time, imitating her mothers voice. "Honey everything will be alright, time heals all." I'll lose it I know I will. She starts up the car.

Pulling the car into traffic, she comes upon the office building of Doctor Elizabeth Olivette. She finds a place to park, turns off the ignition. Taking a hold of the door handle, she remains in the car staring up at the building, Just go in and talk to her and she'll let you go back to work, work. She nods her head, that's what I need. I need to go back to work.

She introduces herself to the woman at the reception desk, "I don't have an appointment but…." The young woman holds up her hand, "Just a minute," she phones the inner office. "Doctor, Detective Eames is here."

Suddenly the door to her office opens, "Detective Eames please come in, you've picked the perfect time and day," Olivette holds the door as Alex slowly enters the room.

"Sit please."

"How, I….I mean who," she says as she sits down.

"I received a phone call this morning from Captain Ross…."

"He told you what happened?" she says excitedly.

"No just the situation and he informed me that you would, in the hope that you would be stopping by and I'm glad you did."

Ok let's get this over with. I'm not the one with the problem it's Bobby.

Olivette takes the chair next to her, "Alex, I know this is going to sound so typical but tell me your dreams."

Alex frowns, "My dreams?" She turns her head away, "I don't think I remember them."

"Alex," she says sternly. "Please try."

"I haven't had any dreams."

"Believe it or not your dreams may uncover…."

Alex suddenly stands, "I said I haven't had any. Want to know why? Because every time I close my eyes," she sniffles then wipes her eyes. "I see his face. I can't….I haven't slept in days." She grabs a few tissues from the box on the desk then sits down.

Olivette taps her arm, "Tell me, right now what are you thinking?"

Shaking her head, "Thinking, I'm not thinking about anything I'm angry, I'm too damn angry to think."

"You should be angry, don't be ashamed that you are."

"You know who I'm angry at the most?" Alex continues without waiting for a response from the Doctor. "Myself."

Olivette frowns, "Why? Why are you angry at yourself?"

"I'm a police officer I didn't notice that that little slime ball was watching me and following me." She pats her chest, "I….I should have known. Not only was he after me he was after Bobby he wanted us to perform for him." A nervous chuckle is heard from her, Olivette asks "What?"

"Bobby frustrated the hell out of him, you know I may have shot him but if Bobby didn't act as he did Jonathan would never have turned his back on me, that's how I got the chance and I shot him. Therefore, I come off looking like the hero but it wasn't me. It was Bobby," she says breathlessly. "All those wounds he endured were because of me, you see this?" Alex points to the little scratch on her face. "That's all, that's all I got this little scratch."

"Have you spoken to Bobby since?"

"No, he's not taking phone calls and he doesn't want any visitors, I think it's me that he doesn't want to see."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because it was my fault, everything that happened it was my fault and with him being the kind of man he is would rather avoid the situation then face me." She starts to cry, "I….I need to see him," a few more tissues, "I'll bet he hates me now."

"Alex you really believe that?"

Alex looks up, shaking her head. "No," she wipes her eyes. "But why? Why doesn't he want to see me? I don't understand."

"I wish I had an answer for you, people do indeed react different ways to the same situation." Olivette stands and moves back behind her desk picking up a water pitcher. "Alex would you like some water?"

"No," she shakes her head. "No thank you."

"Alex….you have to put aside for a moment what you think Bobby is feeling and work on your own feelings." Olivette smiles, "Yes how do you feel?"

"Afraid, afraid that I will never be who I was."

"Alex Eames or Detective Alex Eames?"

Alex sits back in the chair, "What's the difference?"

"Plenty, you don't see the difference. I am not a cop but as I said before I have spoken with many and the one thing that I always come across is that you," she points to her. "Yes you are included in this, is that you all feel that if you become emotional to the situation that you were put in that you are not a good cop."

"We have to put our emotions aside every day from the horror that we see."

"I understand that but you also have to be honest with yourself. Like that old saying 'let it all hang out'."

"It's hard."

"I know but by coming her you've taken a big step." The phone rings, Olivette stands, "Excuse me," Alex nods.

"Yes, Veronica what is it, I'm with a patient."

"Oh my God," Olivette holds her hand to her forehead, "I forgot all about that. Yes, tell them I'll be there. Veronica what hours do I have open tomorrow?" She hangs up the phone. "I'm sorry for the interruption, please forgive me."

"It's alright, are you late for something?"

"No, I have plenty of time."

Alex slouches in the chair, putting her head back, staring at the ceiling, "I wish….I wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up and all this would be over."

"Don't wish it away Alex it won't happen, you have to face it head on."

Alex sits up and reaches for the water pitcher, "I feel so alone. I know my family is there for me but it's hard to talk to them I…oh the hell with it, if that's the way he wants it….I don't need him."

"You think if you keep saying that, that it will be so?"

"I suppose not. My mind is racing with what I want and how I feel."

The clock on the mantle chimes 2; Olivette looks up at the clock, "Alex I would like to suggest that you come back tomorrow, at 2 PM. Is that alright with you?"

Alex stands and extends her hand, "Yes that's fine Doctor I'll see you tomorrow."

Alex turns to leave, "Alex would you like for me to prescribe a sleeping pill? I think you need to get some must needed sleep."

Alex nods, "Yes thank you." Olivette scribbles on a RX pad and tears off a page handing it to her.

"Alex."

Alex turns back to face her, "Yes Doctor what is it?"

Olivette steps up, opening the door, "Be sure to take them."

"I will, I will."

"See you tomorrow, Alex."

Alex nods as she crosses the reception area, she turns back. "Yes Doctor tomorrow." She opens the door steps out into the hall closing the door behind her.

Alex picks up the prescription and returns to her car, back to my parents, she shakes her head. No I can't, my sister? No she'll hover over me like a Mama bear. She flips open her phone and calls her friend Marcy. Without hesitation, Marcy welcomes her old friend to come and stay with her. She exhales as she calls her parents home. After three rings, her mother picks up the phone, "Hello."

She closes her eyes and holds her chest, "Hi Mom, its Alex."

"Hi honey where are you? You left so early this morning."

"Yes I had an early meeting with the brass and I went to see a Doctor. The reason I'm calling is….Is Dad there?"

"Yes he is, hold on." Muffled voices are heard, "Yes Alex what is it that you need?"

"I'm going to stay at Marcy's tonight and I was wondering if you could please go to my place and get me some clothes."

"Marcy, why are you staying there? You know you are welcome here."

"I know that Dad and I appreciate it, it's just that I feel I'm in the way."

"Don't be silly, honey you know that is not true."

"Please Dad…."

"Alright I understand, what clothes do you need?"

"Just get me some jeans and a few blouses from the closet; also some underwear and….maybe take Mom with you."

"Alright, I think that's a good idea."

"I'll meet you there."

"Alright Alex we'll see you later, I wish you'd change your mind."

"Thanks Dad, see you later."

Later That Day

Alex unpacks her bag and changes into blue sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt. She takes two of the sleeping pills, props up some pillows on the couch and soon she is asleep.

A tap on her shoulder startles her and she reacts by taking a swing at the person, whom she finds to be Marcy. "Jesus Marcy I'm sorry but you scared me."

"No Alex I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that to you, forgive me."

Alex sits back on the couch rubbing her eyes, "I forgive you."

Marcy stands up straight, "Hungry?"

I should be hungry but I'm not. "No not really."

Marcy holds out her hand, "Come on you have to eat something."

Alex pushes herself up, "Yes I guess you're right."

Wednesday Afternoon

Olivette's Office

"I finally was able to sleep a little last night but with the aid of sleeping pills."

"I'm glad you took my advice and took the pills and it's good to see you this afternoon."

"Why do you say that? Didn't you think I'd show up?"

"After many years of counseling police officers most of them only come here under orders and if they come more than once, let's just say it doesn't happen that often."

"I must be honest with myself; I did feel a little better talking with you. I realize that there are some things that you can not handle alone. But I have a question for you, how do I get my family to….let's see how can I say this." She rubs her temples, "To loosen up. I know they mean well but when I told my parents that I didn't want to spend the night there I could tell they were very upset. I'm a grown woman and they treat me like I'm going to crumble if they aren't with me every minute of the day. That's why I had to get out of there."

"When something like what happened to you…."

Alex interjects, "Yes it happened to me and they think they are helping but they don't want to talk about it. I have to tell you that when I was in the hospital, I told my parents the story and now that I think about it, I must have seemed extremely disassociated with what Jonathan did, my God I rattled off the events like a robot. I'm confused as to how I feel. I wish and I want everything to be they way they were, useless right?"

"Bad things happen to good people and as far as your parents you're still their child no matter how old you are they just want to protect you and they weren't able to."

She nods, "Yes I know but they think that if I stay there with them then everything will be alright. However, it won't. Things will never be the same, will they? My partnership may be over and when I was at the station on Tuesday I felt as if everyone was talking behind my back, thanking God that it didn't happen to them."

"That's a normal reaction Alex. Most likely no one is talking."

"I called him this morning and again he is not accepting phone calls, that big stupid jerk."

Olivette has to smile, "You two are very close aren't you?"

Alex sits up in the chair and says defiantly, "Not as close as that," she relaxes. "Yes we are. Though I've never told him or he has said to me I would say that he is my best friend." Alex sniffles back tears trying her best not to cry, she fails. "Every time I would look at him he was looking me in the eyes and for some strange reason I felt safe." She fidgets in the chair. "I need to see I, I'm not sure why but I have to see him. Why is he deliberately avoiding me?"

"You know him better than anyone, why do you think?"

"Could it be that he wants to sever the relationship?" She shakes her head. "I can't let him do that. I won't. He needs….I need him."

Olivette sits back in the chair "Then I suggest you do something about it."

Thursday Night

The Eames Home

Alex reluctantly accepts a dinner invitation from her Mother. The only reason she said yes was that her brother and sister and their families would be there. The more people the better she thought, besides Marcy was away on business overnight. She wasn't ready to be alone.

Alex pours herself a glass of wine, "Alex if you want you can stay with us tonight."

Alex takes a few sips of wine before answering, leave here around 9 and then go right to bed. "Thanks Laurie, I'd like that. I'm just not ready to be alone and I can't stay here." She points to their parents, "I know they mean well but they were hovering over me like I was a baby. I couldn't take it."

"Dinner's ready everyone," Sara Eames says.

"Mom you take a seat we'll get the food," Laurie says. She gestures to Alex and her sister-in-law Theresa, for help.

Michael Eames, takes the seat next to his father, "You know what that means, don't you guys."

Philip Daly, Laurie's husband, answers, "What?"

"We have clean up duty."

Laurie sets down a platter of roast beef, "You've got that right brother of mine."

The dinner conversation went from sports to family to politics. Alex remained quiet throughout. The table is cleared of the dinner dishes and Laurie serves the dessert, French pastries and apple pie. "That's an odd combination," John Eames says.

Alex finishes the wine in the glass, "What difference does it make Dad you'll eat it anyway."

"I was just making an observation," he stands then places his hands on the table, "I think you've have enough to drink, Alex."

She sets the glass down on the table, "You think so huh?"

"Yes Alex I think so too," Michael says. He reaches for the bottle that is positioned in front of her. Alex does not argue with them, "Ok," she sits back in the chair. "Can we all stop acting as if nothing has happened? I was almost killed and you people act as if I just got back from the mall." She stands up a little too quickly and almost loses her balance. "And my partner, a man that I have known for seven years acts as if I have leprosy, he doesn't want to talk to me or see me."

"I always thought he was a little flaky," John Eames says smiling.

Alex slams her fist on the table, "Excuse me."

Her brother lightly taps her shoulder. "Come Alex you know what he means."

"What does he mean Michael?"

"Alex you've said it yourself that he does do some unusual things."

Alex frowns, "Yes I have said that but that was about work," she sits back down. "No one understands him and you want to know something?" She wags her finger at them. "Right now neither do I."

"He's a good cop, Alex," John says. "We all know that."

Alex lifts her head slowly, "He's a good cop, who cares about that. He's a man, a good man. He endured pain for me." She buries her face in her hands sobbing. She shakes her head suddenly trying to regain her composure. "He cared more about me then I did him. I wasn't hurt like he was….he just sat there and didn't say anything."

"He just sat there? What was he suppose to do Alex?"

"Talk to him, get inside his head, but nothing he said nothing," she gazes at the faces around the table. "I know, I know what you're thinking, that he's a coward."

"A coward?" her father responds.

She raises her voice along with her body. "NO!" she directs her anger at her father. "You weren't there you have no right to judge him!"

Laurie reaches for her, "Alex calm down."

Alex pulls her arm away, "No one was there but the two of us." Shaking her head, "You'll never know what we went through." She turns to leave. "I'm out of here."

"Alex, please wait," Laurie says.

"No I have to get out of here, leave me alone, Laurie." With a quick pace she leaves the room.

"I can't, I won't let you leave this way."

Alex opens the front door hastily and it hits the wall.

"John, go after her."

Laurie holds up her hand, "I'll go."

"John that was an insensitive thing to say about Bobby."

"I was trying to get a rise out of her but it backfired. I thought that it would force her to open up to us."

Laurie catches up to her older sister as she grabs for the car door handle, "Alex you say we'll never know, yes that's true, because you won't tell us."

"Tell you, those people in there they don't want to know, they figure if they don't talk about it then it will all disappear."

She opens the door then slams it, "That's not true Alex."

The key in the ignition, the car in gear she drives away.

Laurie enters the house, this time she slams the door. "Well that went well." She says sarcastically.

"She's gone?" Sara says.

"Yes she's gone. She says that we don't want to talk about. I tried to tell her that we do but…" she pulls out a chair to sit down. "Shit what a mess."

"When she told us the story that night in the hospital it was as if she was writing a police report, no emotion at all," John says.

"For a brief moment it's as if she wants to talk then she clams up or gets angry. One minute she is angry with us, the next herself then Bobby and then she defends him." Laurie pours herself a cup of coffee. "I can't begin to imagine what and how she is feeling. I think she may be having trouble understanding them herself. She told me that she has gone to counseling twice this week even went to the station for a few hours today."

"Yes she told me that she went to see a doctor yesterday," Sara says.

"It's a simple case of," Michael slices into the apple pie, "A very large communication gap."

"It's not that simple Michael."

"Unfortunately Mom I agree with Michael, none of us know how to deal with something like this. Watching someone you love in so much pain. We're trying not to be overbearing and yet keeping a distance."

"So what do we do?"

"Let her know….as we have, Sara. That we are here for her and when she's ready to talk, we'll listen. That's all we can do."

TBC