Chapter 4: The Niceties of Sedentary Particles and Pelvic Thrusts
"Bored.
Really bored."
"Potter."
"Boring…
Boredom."
"POTTER!" I turned around in my chair quickly and gave him massive evils.
He still looks pleased. For some stupid reason. God, he's such an idiot.
He smoothly let his chair's front legs fall forward in an annoyingly relaxed way, "My darling?"
He even winked at me.
Seriously. He's just trying to provoke me. He is so immature.
"Lily, stop that. Sticking out your tongue is for first years." Dorothy intervened, disapprovingly.
"It's not my fault he's an idiot with idiotic friends."
James grinned coyly. " Don't you worry Dory, Lilian here is just feeling a teensy extra hormonal today." His hazel eyes exuded mischief, as usual.
Winking directly at me again, "…which isn't surprising…if last night was anything to go—
"Potter, shut up. Stop being a prat and leave her alone. And stop irritating the rest of us."
Let the gods bow down to Dorothy Roberts.
Let the earth quiver with awe at her sight! Let the waters shake beneath her.
Let rice fall from the heavens!
"And Lily, stop flirting."
Let a great big hairy octopus eat her.
"What." I said, outraged.
"Some of us actually want to listen in class." I rolled my eyes.
This is divination, mate. No one 'wants' to 'listen' to anything.
And besides, I, on the other hand, am infinitely more interesting. Take this as an example. As an adolescent, I have truly learned some remarkable things.
Like did you know that a taste bud's lifespan is ten days? I mean, how cool is that!?
It's true. After that they break free from the epiglottis they become their own buds.
Let our buddies go…
I wonder what happens to them. Like do they just roll off? Or do you ingest it with your comestibles?
But take that example, for example. It just proves how great my analogies are. We, in essence, are the taste buds of life. I am a taste bud. Dorothy is a taste bud. Arthur is a taste bud. Alice is a taste bud. Potter, tragically is a tasteless bud; burned by the other buds. In fact, he'll probably roll off first. I'll let Remus off. But anyway that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make here is that we are as a race, trapped. Yes, trapped on a world I like to call the epiglottis. But for the sake of my analogy; the Divination classroom...
I guess Potter does have a point though. This class is mind-numbingly boring.
And not to mention completely pointless.
Yeah, about that. Let me ask you: who the hell actually cares why a bobotuber plant, which apparently may uncontrollably reproduce a spongy green material, can predict future tragedies? Huh? It's probably all bollocks anyway. So just don't buy the bleeding plant! Snaps fingers. Hell, yes.
And if it were up to me, we'd just have Potions, Charms and Defense.
And I'm not just being bias. Let's move away from the fact that they're my best subjects and get to the root of the issue at hand.
Who actually cares about all that other nonsense? All we need to be able to do, is defend ourselves from mindless, arrogant (and slightly intimidating) pricks like James Potter, concoct the most poisonous and vial fabrication for Potter's inducement, and when that doesn't work (i.e. his decease-ment, etcetera), be able to charm his naturally appealing facial structure into something that heavily resembles wrinkly feet.
And presto.
The world is a happy place.
Bunnies and smart people.
Remember?
Just think of the possibilities.
I think I should write novel. For the Magical Board of Education. They could learn a lot from me. Me being a Savant and all.
Well…besides the fact that I don't actually have any deficits to balance out my genius. So basically I'm just absurdly intelligent. They'd probably want to run intelligence assessments on me. What with all the excitement of having a genius among them. And they'd probably run a lot of publicity on the matter.
People tell me that I'm unusually sarcastic. Which basically translates to witty. If that's not saying something, I don't know what is.
But in this topic, I find the need to address Potter as he is in the even more classified part of the spectrum. I like to call it, Idiot. See it starts out with just plain Genius. Then old Savants. Which are essentially geniuses who might lack intelligence in certain places. Then we have impolite intelligent people, whom are basically inept socially and other stuff like that. Then skip a few more classifications, and we arrive at the MOTHER of them all. Yes. The great kahooney. Yes, the Idiot. A state of intelligent so incredibly, magnificently idiotic, that despite the fact that a certain person can be a genius in every aspect of intellect possible, he still manages to be a complete and utter useless prat.
Amazing. I know. But this is POTTER, we're talk about. I mean, it's up there with Captain of the Quidditch team. Head Boy of Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry. Most likely to enter Witch Weekly's fit male of the month. Top transfigurer of our year. Blah blah and most importantly, the village idiot.
Bless. Who wouldn't want him.
Someone just threw a balled up parchment at my head.
Okay, so I feel I should be completely honest with you.
And another one. That's it. I'm turning around.
"Sorry Evans, I was trying for the bin." Sirius said before snorting. The marauders broke out into a round of giggles.
As I was saying, I have a really sound mind and conscience. I'm calm and I'm logical. And I'm reasonably moral when confronted with difficult tasks.
Another hit at the head.
"Black, I swear. I will rip out your appendages."
I should probably start charging for it on ebay or something. First bidders—the most desperate; Potter or Black.
Another one again. Except this time it hurt. It hurt a lot.
Just bloody brilliant. The notebook. Of course.
150 quid sounds fair.
xxx
Hey Evans, we have to stop meeting like this.
People are starting to talk.
Rolls eyes
Potter. Shut up and stop being stupid. I'm trying to listen.
I'm wondering if this is going to start being your standard greeting from now on. "Shut up, I'm trying to listen." And really, Evans? Why would you want to listen to him
Yeah, it's a new concept for you, I'm sure.
Very. You know me well.
No I don't.
Come on, Evans. This is Potions. All this stuff you all ready know, can read in a textbook, or can just logically assume.
Maybe for you. But I need to study and right now, pay attention.
No. You don't need to study. You only think you do. See, that's your problem. You're probably better at Potions than I am. You just obsess way too much.
No I don't.
Yes, you do.
No I don't.
Fine then you obsess that you don't obsess.
No I don't.
Yes you do.
Potter.
Yes?
Shut up.
Okayyyyy relax.
Lilyy Willyyyy
WHAT.
You look like you could do with a massage.
Thanks for letting me know.
"I know something you could ask her." Sirius stole his notebook.
I have a question. A good one. Now. Who in this classroom would you most want to kiss? And no fibbing.
"Let me see it," James said taking it back. He smirked. "That'll do."
Please, Potter. For all that's holy. Tell me we're not doing 20 questions again. And do you even realise how intrusive your questions are?
YehHH. I quite enjoyed the last one.
Now answer the question.
Why?
No reason really. Just curious. Intrigued. And mostly bored. Really bored. Really REALLY BORE—
I don't know, Potter. Slughorn.
He's old.
Potter, Slughorn is very kissable. Don't insult my opinions.
Evans.
How about Waller. He's somewhat of a 'catch' these days.
Why does this even matter?
Why won't you answer the question?
"Five galleons says it's me."
James snorted, "You're on."
Because. It doesn't make a difference. You're basing the question on something entirely superficial. If I think he's the biggest prick in the world, no amount of attractive qualities will redeem him.
Sooo…basically, as you won't properly answer my question, I'm assuming that your statement is applicable to someone in this room. And no one else fits your description on both accounts.
Not again.
Damn it.
So you do realise you've just essentially described your feelings towards me in a nutshell.
Not necessarily.
Which means only one thing.
DAMNITDAMNITDAMNITDAMNIT
"Guess what, Sirius," James announced loudly.
I hate this stupid notebook.
xxx
My best freind just chucked my notebook at Black--who is making kissy noises at the back of the class.
And that, my friends, is why Dorothy will be a tastebud for a very long time.
xxx
You know, the library is a very nice place. It's calm. No one is allowed to talk, otherwise you get detention. And it's surrounded by the smell of books. I love that smell.
"It's interesting."
I blinked. How?
I hope he isn't bridging over to stalker..
I waited, expecting more. It didn't come. He was doing this on purpose, of course. He wanted me to ask him.
Grudgingly, without looking up from the book, "What's interesting?" Besides your complete idiocy.
"Phoar. Are you usually this concentrated when reading about plants?" I put the book down and gave him a look. "Sorry," he continued, snorting. He wasn't even remotely sorry, "Didn't want to distract you from something this important. I'll leave."
"What, that's it?"
"Yep."
No way in hell was that it. He was gloating. Just because he thinks I want to kiss him.
I scowled as he got up to leave, with an annoying grin on his face.
"Just because I think you're attractive, doesn't mean I like you, you know. Or want to..." I trailed, shuddering.
I thought it important to state the facts.
In case he gets confused.
James smirked, still standing up. "Of course not."
"Why are you smiling?" I asked.
"I am very disturbed."
"We know."
"No, I mean, you admitted you think I'm attractive," he stated simply. "Twice."
Sing-song voice. ….Men-tal Naaaaaa-zi
"Yeah, so what?"
Hmm..does this remind anyone of déjà vu?
"Well, if I'm not mistaken, you always told me very clearly that you were mostly repulsed by my very being."
"Yeah. So?"
"Even though you want to also secretly want to kiss me…"
"Pott—
"So, now I'm questioning your sincerity.
I glared.
"Do you want to go out with me?"
"No."
"Yeh. See. That didn't sound so credible. Usually you make a face, it goes red, you yell a bit, and then you stomp away showing off that cute little arse of yours. Now you're just getting sloppy."
Argh my mouth is twitching.. I…can't…help…it…
Great. I'm grinning at something James Potter said. And now he'd grinning back. Dummy.
"Right, thought you might like that I think that. See you around Evans."
Oh no you don't!
"Potter, get back here!"
I legged it to catch up with him in the hallway.
"Hiya Jamsie." The voice came from outside the Potions classroom.
Jamsie? Jamsie. Who is this girl? His name is James, you moron.
"Rachel," he nodded. He flashed a smile and rested his elbow on my shoulder as if I were one of those stupid gargoyles, "ready for double Defense?"
I am not a gargoyle. I have feelings.
His shoulder digged deeper.
Feelings of hatred.
I can't believe he's ignoring the fact that I'm right beside him.
Rachel laughed and was acting really eager towards him in my opinion, "if you're there to defend me…"
Oh good Merlin I think I'm going to puke now. Was she really that forward, flirting. If so, I may opt to shoot myself. 'Only if you're there to defend me.' Please. You're not helpless.
Well, on second thought, you're flirting with James..so maybe you are. Heh.
James winked at her.
Ew.
Okay, this is awkward. Not to mention gross. Time to roll off with the other buds, man. I'm out.
"Hey Lily! You're walking quite fast?"
I shrugged which would appear to have been 'moodily' to an onlooker.
Some things just come naturally.
I don't really so why I'm acting like I'm sulking, but it's making him confused so I think I like it. A nice new tactic, actually.
Moments of silence.
He nudged me. "Talk."
He actually thinks I care.
"What about? I've got stuff to do." You know, the fact he just basically ditched Rachel, is quite satisfying.
"Stuff," he repeated.
"Yeah, as in an agenda, a schedule, a programme." James raised his eyebrows. " I have a free. Now if you don't mind…"
Here's where I rationally tried to be polite and excuse myself, yet James, being (unfortunately) stronger than me, pulled me back.
He studied my face. And a grin formed at the edges of his mouth.
"Wait… Are you actually being serious?" he said while flattening his raven black hair forward and then roughing it back up again. "Wow."
"What?" I snapped.
He put his hands behind his head and was grinning like a madman.
"You're jealous."
WHAT!
"Listen here, Potter." He was still smirking, which just made even more angry. " Just because, for some insane reason, other girls are deluded enough to think you're somewhat decent looking," he snorted at that and looked at me pointedly, " and humble and actually care a horse's arse about them, doesn't mean we all do. And I for one am very happy I'm not one of them."
Potter was staring off into space pensively. And then he looked back at me.
"You know, I like you're way of flirting above every other. It's like mine. Exciting. Challenging."
"Okay see, I wasn't really sure before, but there's no use denying it now. You really need to see Healer at Mungos because I believe that, that's up there in the stupidest things I've ever heard you say."
"Jealous," he said crossing his arms, as if he apparently made up his mind.
"Why would I be jealous? I have no reason to. Besides," I pointed out, quite kindly, " that's disgusting."
I looked forward for awhile and kept walking. What. He's doing that smirking thing at me right now, and I don't really feel like being made fun of.
See, I can tell. When he side-glances me, he's waiting for me to look at him so he can say something cocky or stupid.
"You do realise you're about five minutes late to lessons."
"Aww Lily, you're cute." And with that he bent over and kissed my cheek and I felt a strong hand grip around my waist…almost as if we..shared others feelings…and not hatred..
Okay. That's it. No more misses mean Evans. All things fluffy in hell break loose. Right now.
I stopped walking and took a step back. "Potter. What. The hell."
And I'm not cute.
I hate being short. It makes me seem so…so well I can't really explain it. I guess easily manipulated? Which I'm not. And constantly patronised. Which I am. Especially by Potter.
"Part two of my pressie, my dear," he winked, not at all disconcerted by my, what I am pretty certain is my "I hate you and there's nothing you can do about it" look. Maybe he's immune. Maybe I should up the dose. Though, I'm pretty sure if I up the dose anymore he'd start giggling.
"Ugh, well you can have it back!" I exclaim throwing my hands up. Again, gestures are needed to get the point across.
"What? No I don't want it back! Here, take it back" he grinned and swooped down and kissed my other cheek. I could feel both of my cheeks burning.
All my nerves just shot up my cheeks in a split second.
Ho-ly Merlin.
"Get away from me!"
He's not doing anything. Just smirking at me, pointedly.
I gave him a death stare.
His white teeth flashed in a grin as he looked down on me. He checked the time. "Look at that. Seven minutes late, got to run."
He turned around and is finally walking away.
I really hate that guy.
xxx
"What happened now," said Alice startled.
Lily opened each drawer in the wardrobe and shoved it back in forcefully.
"I need you super dooper spacer thingy."
"Rightt," Dorothy gave Alice a look and pulled Lily out of the girls' dormitory.
Alice got it out of her trunk and threw it on Lily's bed and caught up with Lily and Dorothy. "So…why does Potter need to be kept at a minimum of five strides away from you at all times. And I mean a new reason that explains your current state."
"He's just a prat. Let leave it at that."
Lily started hopping from left to right, alternating feet.
"Which is why we're going on a walk," said Dorothy greeting the outdoors with a smile.
" …Lily…what are you doing?"
"Dodging bird poop, what does it look like."
"Lily…sweetie," said Alice gently.
"Hmm."
"You were fine earlier. Tell us what's the matter."
"Nothing. They're just everywhere. Dumb birds."
Alice sighed. "No, I mean, why do you look so preoccupied."
Lily looked up in midhop, "The usual…Severus…Potter…stress."
Hop.
Hop.
"You know what I think," said Dorothy.
"What," asked Alice.
"I think...Lily's IT," Dorothy tagged Lily and bolted.
"That was so childish," Alice stated wrinkling her forhead.
"You're IT." Lily got Alice's robe and took off.
Alice grinned.
xxx
"You know what, guys, you're right." Lily said suddenly, out of breath and lying down on the wet grass next Alice and Dorothy. "I shouldn't need a super dooper spacer thingy."
"Yeah.." replied Alice halfheartedly, half confused while handing her water.
Lily took a gulped some down. "I should confront my problems without feeling intimidated and not allow my physical well-being be jeopardised by unnecessary stress.
"Exactly," encouraged Alice.
"Thanks guys." And with that Lily got up and headed back up to the main grounds with new determination.
"Where is she going now?" demanded Dorothy.
"Like you even have to ask," muttered Alice smirking.
xxx
Potter was walking out of DADA with Harriet and two decently popular guys. I say decently because by popular I mean toad scum.
And by toad scum I mean witless, son of a bastard, moronic hyenas.
"Potter!" I said, with authority. God, I'm good.
"Evans," he sounded surprised.
Someone jumped him from behind shouting Quidditch. "Lay off, Stephens! I take orders from nobody," said James grinning in tones of mock anger.
And James hears the call of the wild. Beckoning him on.
"Well you better get away from Evans," one of the boys called out, grinning in an annoyingly confident way, "she'd suck the fun out of you before practice." The git started to make sucking sounds with his mouth while opening his eyes freakishly wide.
"A bit like a dementor to a bloke's soul," agreed the other boy poetically.
See, this is exactly what I'm taking about. I mean, what kind of witless analogy was that. Where's the epiglottis of life? Where was the cunning suspense. No where. That's where.
Harriet was laughing behind her fingers. She looks like a gerbil on caffeine.
I can get really emotional some times. I felt my eyes stupidly watering. This was ridiculous.
Where was my fire.
"Nah, impossible, mate," said James. He flipped tossed his scarf around his neck; the picture of an aristocrat.
Then (as if to prove one of his points) he opted at that moment to do a handstand with a single hand and flip over and land on both feet with a perfected ease. Even from his faces' profile and the way the light bounced off it, his face was overwhelmingly perfect and sculpted. "Too immature. right, Evans?"
But before James turned around, I decided it was a fantastic time to disappear.
xxx
"Maybe she's upset."
Sirius and James looked at Remus and then looked at each other.
James crossed his eyebrows and began thinking.
"James, are you really that thick when it comes to sensitivity?"
"Oy! I'm not insensitive." Then as an afterthought, "Just really masculine." James smiled, clearly pleased with himself.
Remus snorted. "Think about what Robinson said…"
James stared at Remus.
Remus was getting increasingly irritated.
"You think I should have defended her?" James' eyes widened.
"Finally he gets it," Remus said sarcastically.
"I wouldn't be so smart if I were you, mate. At least we didn't ask if 'grinding' at a party meant sitting down and what was it? Rubbing rocks together to form sedentary particles?" laughed Sirius.
Remus first scowled, but then smirked and looked behind him to make sure a group of people were there.
"Yeh, well at least I didn't automatically conclude that because the plural form of hippopotamus is hippopotami then the plural of penis must be—
"That was a one time mistake!" snapped Sirius, his voice cracking.
James sniggered and muttered, "when would you have to use that?"
Sirius wheeled around to James.
"And what are you laughing at!"
James sucked in his lips and put a poker face on. "Nothing, mate." But then gave a cheeky grin to Remus when Sirius looked away.
"Well that's besides the point!" said Sirius throwing his hands up. "The point is that…."
A momentary pause signaled to James that Sirius had no idea what to say.
" 'The Point' is his teeny little problem," mumbled Remus to James. James sniggered.
Sirius' eyes narrowed on Remus.
"..is that I'm just sick to death of this." And with that, Sirius left the room and slammed the door behind him.
Everything was silent for a few moments and James and Remus just looked at each other a split second, their mouths twitching into a grin, then there was a snort and the both of them began laughing hard.
"He…and then…thought…Peni…problem," Remus managed, hunched over with eyes watering until tears streaming down the corners of their eyes.
James mocked a Jamaican accent and made hip movements, " he has no, how you say, pelvik drust." And then began rolling on the carpeted floor in tears and choking from laughter.
I walked across the common rooms towards the girls' dormitories.
James was rolling around with the cords in his neck popping out, his face turning red, and Remus was practically crying and unable to breathe on the sofa.
I feel remarkably sorry for the poor woman that has to live with that.
Next chapter:
"Next week will be our camping trip! Something about it being in the Forbidden Forest! Keep in mind that revising would be a highly useful, blah blah blah seeing as you will not have a wand or any other devise to use magic. The person you team with may need you to become their eyes, ears and mouth in case of dire emergency, so you should all be attentive these last few lessons."
I am vaguely aware that Potter somewhere beside me is grinning with Black.
"This is your opportunity blah blah BLAH! You will be living how Muggles live! BLAH! I have posted the list of partners you will be teaming up with throughout the three days."
As soon as the bell rang, I walked over with everyone else to see who was partners with whom.
I looked at the list, and I felt my jaw drop.
No. Fucking. Way.
Author's Note: I'm not so sure how I really felt about this chapter...but i enjoyed writing it! I really hope you enjoyed reading it.
xxx Miss Marauder 5