Authors note: posting this already today because I have it all done. Depending on myself there might be another chapter much much later tonight. Three or four chapters left to go depending on how far I take it. Thank you so much for reading, hope your enjoying! Don't forget to review. They make me smile and make me anxious to post more! The song is Secondhand Serenade's Awake
The two Manhattan born blue bloods had there arms laced with each other as the slightly shorter brunette led the blonde into all of the chosen stores. The pair had been back in the city for two weeks. Two weeks they'd spent holed up in the Palace Hotel while the guys brought them everything they needed and demanded. It had been like times back years ago, before drama and madness. Just the four of them against the world, though things under the surface had changed immensely they'd all pulled together to protect one of their own.
Today was the first day they'd actually permitted her to leave the room. Serena's semblance was a little bit better then it'd been in a while. Blair was still there to watch her every move she took. They'd talked her down to only taking one Xanax and two Tylenol, threatening that if she took another thing it was straight to the ER or they'd call Lily. Two things Serena feared.
"B, where are we going?"
Her thoughts regarding coming home hadn't been of the most thrilled nature. At the Palace there wasn't much she could get away with, every time she turned around one of them was looking over her shoulder. She hadn't even remembered much of coming home. She'd only remembered crying as Nate took her out of the limo. Her arms wrapped tightly around him as she begged to go back to the Hampton.
They were trying to protect her, she knew and understood it. But at night when the three of them piled into one bed crunching her in the middle and Chuck outcast to the chair in the corner she at times wished they'd all just leave her alone.
Serena seemed better yet she still couldn't look herself in the eyes. At every cost she'd avoid her eyes, they were the window of her pain. She knew that if she looked at the navy blues she'd slump back into her misery and fall even more from grace then she'd done already.
"Just walking around Barney's, you know… like old times."
Pulling Serena into the pastel pink, blue, yellow, green, and purple she felt her best friend freeze. Serena wasn't ready to look at baby stuff. She was just getting used to the fact that her tee-shirts no longer fit without being anywhere near tight. They were just starting to pull snuggly cross her middle. Being over three months along for a normal expectant female it would have been a brilliant, beautiful, nesting time. Keeping herself clean and sober.
Serena was anything far from being happy about the surrounding circumstances. The tightness of her shirt made an even tighter space in her throat. The thoughts running threw her head were for the white powder that would make her cured in an instinct.
"Come on S, you need to think about this all some time. Plus, it might help you feel a little better Serena. This isn't all just going to go away in a blink of an eye."
Serena knew she could have made it all go away, but, it was her way of holding onto Dan. With the little thing that was inside of her she'd never be without him. It was proof that at one point in time there was actually love involved. Back before lying, cheating, and hurting was involved.
"B, I don't think I can do this. I'm not ready."
Her eyes flicked away from the colors, it felt like they were breaking her just to look at. She wasn't cut out for the task put in front of her. She could hardly handle herself, how was she going to deal with a small part of Dan.
"Come on Serena, don't think of him. This isn't about him. He hurt you and you're so much better off without him. You can do this sweetie, you have me and Nate and even Chuck. Were all in this together and were going to get threw it all together."
She felt a light squeeze on her arm but it was far away again, she was descending into her bad place. The dark corner of her mind that told her all was not ok. The room was spinning, slowly starting to spin again and she needed air. Turning from Blair almost right away she took off running out of the store at full speed for the hot August breeze. She didn't and couldn't stop until she was leaning against the side of the building breathing heavy.
Blair had taken off after her, following her behind her closely. Blair had been trying to get Serena to think of something positive. Not that being pregnant was exactly positive but she did have something to pull threw her dark shadow for.
Catching her outside Blair pulled Serena by the arms into a tight hug.
"Shhh S, it's ok. You need to breath. Just breath."
Blair mattered down Serena's hair as the fragile blonde quivered and shook with sobs. She'd fallen from grace, it was clear that nothing was going to be the same. Blair just wanted her best friend back.
"Come on sweetie, lets get you home ok."
Her usual bitchey self was well hidden as she cleared her best friend's tears and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.
"I'm sorry B, I'm so sorry."
Serena whispered hastily as her sobbing became less and less evident. She was calming down a little. It was just a good thing that Gossip Girl didn't spy in the back ally's of Barneys.
With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.
And you're lying real still,
But your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
That's three that have passed, one more's fine.
"I told you to eat that, your becoming as bad as me."
Blair tapped the table in front of Serena's plate. She was forcing Serena to eat a cheese burger and French fries as she picked at her own Caesar salad. Her nose up in slight distaste at the café's bleak and not to ritzy surroundings. It was not a Blair Waldorf choice place to eat.
"I'm not hungry B."
Serena said dismally as she pushed around the fries on the ceramic plate. She hadn't eaten more then one of the greasy over fried potato sticks.
"If you don't eat I know a very nice secluded hospital in LA that takes good care of eating disorders. They even kept Lindsay's departure under wraps."
She challenged her best friend as she pushed the ketchup closer to her.
"I told you I'm fine. I had breakfast today haven't you tortured me enough?"
two years ago the roles would have been reversed, Serena was the one nagging Blair to eat while Serena sat back sipping on her forth daiquiri of the afternoon. Eating disorders and alcoholism had filled the two's day's back then.
"You had strawberries and honey dew melon covered in whipped cream with a side of sour gummy worms S. I really don't see how that qualifies as a good breakfast."
Crossing her arms she gave Serena a 'I know better then you stare'.
"Nate brought me the things I like. I didn't tell him to. At least I ate something."
She gave Blair a cheesy fake smile as she picked up the cheese burger and took a bite just to humor her best friend. Making a face she sip it out.
"That's a real great start S"
she rolled her eyes and look another bite of her salad as she watched Serena open up the cheese burger and take out the pickles.
"You love pickles"
Confused she looked at Serena like she was crazy.
"I know, but I don't like the taste. It's really gross."
Blair laughed as she picked up a napkin and threw it at Serena. She seemed her self, besides the fact that she'd changed some of her ways she seemed to have a little bit of the old Serena Van der Woodsen shinning threw.
"You're crazy S"
As Blair said it a smile spread cross Serena's face, there playful banter was something that they'd always done. From the day they were five years old twisting Nate around in the tire swing while Chuck tried to look under there skirts. Typical Chuck, he'd always been the same way.
"You know you love me B"
Catching the napkin she threw it back at Blair. Things were good. At least till she turned her head, then nothing for Serena would be ok.
He had his arms around her, his face buried in her neck, her hands under his shirt on his chest. Serena felt like she was moving from 0 to 60 in point two seconds. Her heart had broken into pieces and she was frozen not able to move. Her eyes were glued to there silhouettes out the window as she watched his lips travel from her neck to her lips and her arm cross around his neck as she pulled his body as close to her as they could manage without being risky in public.
She was frozen, her heart had been ripped out of her chest all over again. A pounding, exploding, pulsing sound and feeling was taking over her mind and body. Blair became further and further away. She knew what she needed. She could feel how bad she was suddenly craving it. She had to do it, no matter what they thought.
With every last bit of strength she had she pulled herself together. Once an actress always an actress. It was a good thing Blair hadn't been looking directly at her or else she would have seen Serena's plans written all over her face. Blair had always been the one to call the blonde on all of her bullshit.
"B, I have to pee. I'll be right back I swear. You can time me if I want."
She said in a careless, sunshine voice. The best one she could muster. Somehow it had actually come out correctly as she stood up from her chair and Blair looked up from her cell phone.
"You've been good today so I'm going to trust you with that. Just don't tell Nate I did. He'll kill me for letting you out of my sight. Just remember I'm watching the time."
Blair eyed her for a second looking for second thoughts or lies in her expression. They'd been so well masked that the brunette never saw the cunning thoughts that were going on in the broken, torn apart girl's eyes. She wanted so bad to see Serena ok that she never saw the shaking, or scratching of the arms as Serena stood with her broken black nails clawing at the skin on her arms.
As she turned her back on the clueless best friend who thought there was no other motive. Serena glanced down at her arm, it was red enough to nearly cut the skin. A habit she'd picked up from Georgina when she needed a fix. It was an imperfection that she could concentrate on till she had exactly what she needed.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,
But I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.
And if it's a hero you want,
I can save you. Just stay here.
Your whispers are priceless.
Your breathe, it is dear. So please stay near.
She entered the bathroom with one thing in mind. Climbing herself up onto the sink she clawed herself threw the window catching herself from falling by holding on as tight as she could. She pulled herself threw the cracked white window letting herself drop to the cement side walk. That was the only thing about downtown Brooklyn, nothing was very much of a drop.
Regaining her balance she closed her eyes hard, she wasn't going to think about her coming actions. She was just going to do it. Nothing could get in her way she needed it to bad. They were no longer on the sidewalk as she made her quick running exit to the back ally. She knew all of the stops.
Sure enough there was a shabby looking sleezy guy standing post in back of the greasy pizza place right next door.
"I don't think you mean to be back here baby."
His words made her flinch and need it more as she looked at him fixed with treachery and deception.
"I think I know where I am just fine."
Words came out of her own mouth like silk as she took two hundred dollar bills out of her pocket and held them up to him. Seeing his facial features light up he reached into his own pocket extracting a little plastic bag full of the white powdery substance. The dime bag was exactly what she needed.
"well Beautiful, in that case how about shearing a line with me first."
Her broken, angry, distraught eyes turned feisty and vicious as she nodded and slowly dropped to her knees in front of the brown box. The mirror just as she always remembered them, filthy with the powder so evenly spread out. She quickly ordered her own line and knelt close to it. Snorting the line she felt complete in trance as the burning sensation filled her nostrils. The powder fumes hustling there ways to her brain and making her thoughts spin ever so slightly till all was nothing.
From there a such thing as going back was impossible. Her fall from grace had become a plummet into disaster. She felt the guys grimy hand on her head as she leaned down to take another hit. She wasn't thinking anymore. Just doing what she felt she needed.
Dan, Blair, Nate, Vanessa, Chuck… they all didn't matter a damn. If Dan didn't need her why did the rest of them. She sat with her stoned, glazed eyes shearing the lines with the filthy discusting looking man, and the one thing that was relying on her to be alright. She hadn't even let it cross her mind as she let the numbing feeling capture and smother her thoughts and body.
It was an understatement to say that she was just in a minor flunk. The delicate beauty had fallen far far from grace and there was no turning back.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
Say my name. I just want to hear you.
Say my name. So I know it's true.
You're changing me. You're changing me.
You showed me how to live.
So just say. So just say,