Diagnosing Blitzwing

Synopsis: Blitzwing and his psychologist try to examine his personality using only Freudian theories.

A/N: Rated 'T', because Freud is a perv. He should have done psychoanalysis on himself.
Written after I finished one of the most insane chapters of my Psychology book. I can't take Freud seriously, so this is how I study.
I wonder if anyone will get Random's reference at the end of the story...
Please let me know if you see any errors!

--

"Talk" Psychologist

"Talk" Blitzwing

"TALK" Hothead

"tAlK" Random

sheesheeshank the sound Blitzwing makes when his personality changes

--

"Tank you vore coming to see me, doctor."

My pleasure, Blitzwing. This is an unusual request though….

"Vell, I vant to use Sigmund Freud's theories because he vas a vellow German.

But Freud wasn't German. He was Austrian.

sheesheeshank "CLOSE ENOUGH!!"

….Uh, OK. Are you sure that psychoanalysis is what you want?

sheesheeshank "Vat do you mean?"

Because you seem to be bipolar……

sheesheeshank "yOu MeAn 'TrIpOlAr!!"

Okay, tripolar. And that's not covered by psychoanalysis. Bipolar disorders are a whole different realm of psychology.

sheesheeshank "THIS IS VAT I VANT! YOU VILL USE PSYCHOANALYSIS!"

Alright, sir, if that's what you want…

sheesheeshank "Yes. Please continue."

Now, Freud's theory is called psychodynamic because it emphasizes the movement of psychological energy within the person, in the form of attachments, conflicts, and motivations.

"I see."

Today's psychodynamic theories differ from Freudian theory, but they all share the assumption that adult personality and ongoing problems are formed primarily by experiences in early childhood.

sheesheeshank "YOU MEAN TIS IS ALL VECTOR SIGMA'S FAULT?!"

I beg your pardon?

sheesheeshank"Vector Sigma. It is vat created me."

I see. Would Vector Sigma be the male parent or the female parent?

"Vat?!"

Well, I want to understand if Vector Sigma was the mother or the……..you know what, we'll come back to that.

"Very vell."

Freud believed that the unseen forces of unconscious motives had more power over our personalities than our conscious intentions do.

"I see."

The unconscious was said to reveal itself in art, dreams, jokes, apparent accidents and slips of the tongue.

sheesheeshank "sO eVeRyTiMe I tAlK, tIs Is My TrUe PeRsOnAlITy?!"

I….guess so…….

"hA hA!!" i Am Va TrUe BlItZvInG!"

sheesheeshank "NO YOU'RE NOT! IT IS ME!"

sheesheeshank "How dare you! It is me!"

Stop, stop! It could be all of you.

"…….Please explain."

Freud's theory says that the personality consists of three major systems; the id, the ego, and the superergo.

"Ah."

sheesheeshank "oOoO!! cAn I vE tHe SuPeR-EgO-mC-MuVvIn?! CaN i?? Oh PlEaSe PlEaSe PlEaSe PlEaSe??"

sheesheeshank "NO! I VILL BE THE SUPEREGO!!"

Gentlemen, please!

sheesheeshank "I prever 'gentlemech', thank you very much."

sigh Alright, 'gentlemechs', please listen. The id is the reservoir of unconscious psychological energies and the motives to avoid pain and obtain pleasure.

sheesheeshank "VoO-hOo!! VaT iS mE!"

The id contains two competing instincts: the death or aggressive instinct, and the life or sexual instinct.

"……….I aM tHe SeXuVaL Vone!?"

Err…..

"sExY mEcH! sExY mEcH! sExY mEcH! ChA cHa ChA!!"

Please stop!

sheesheeshank "My apologies. Please continue."

Now the ego is the referee between the needs of the instinct and the demands of society.

"I believe vat vould be me."

The ego is both conscious and unconscious, and represents reason and good sense.

"Yes, yes, vat is me."

And then there's the superego, which represents morality and parental authority.

sheesheeshank "VAT IS ME!"

It includes the conscience, the inner voice that says that you did something wrong.

"VAT IS TRUE! I KEEP THE STUPID SIDES IN CHECK!"

sheesheeshank "vAt?! I aM nOt StUpID!"

sheesheeshank "And neither am I!"

sheesheeshank "OH, SHUT IT!"

Gentlemechs!

sheesheeshank "Apologies."

Now then, when the id comes in conflict with social rules, the ego has weapons at its command to relieve the tension.

"I do?"

Yes.

"…… I'm listening carefully."

These unconscious strategies are called defensive mechanisms; they deny or distort reality, but they also protect you from conflict and anxiety. They become unhealthy only when they cause self-defeating behavior and emotional problems.

sheesheeshank "VELL?! VAT ARE THEY?!"

The primary defenses are repression, projection, displacement, reaction formation, regression, and denial.

"……VAT?!"

sheesheeshank "hA hA!! I cAn OvErCoMe AnY oV tHoSe!"

You can?

"oV cOuRsE!"

sheesheeshank "I'm afraid vat does not help me much. Vandom can appear at vis own free vill."

Oh dear.

sheesheeshank "vIsN't It So MuCh Vun?!"

sheesheeshank "GOT ANY BETTER IDEAS, HUMAN?!"

……..how about we move on to the psychosexual stages?

"VAT?! AGAIN VIS THE SEXUAL STUFF?!"

sheesheeshank "oUr DoCtoR iS a PeRV! hA hA!"

No no, this is exactly how the Freudian theory is!

sheesheeshank "You are sure?"

Yes, as crazy as it might sound, these are all true.

"……alright, let's hear it."

Freud argued that personality develops in a series of psychosexual stages, in which sexual energy take different forms as the child matures.

sheesheeshank "DEAR PRIMUS, VIS IS SO STUPID!"

Each new stage produces certain amounts of frustration, conflict, and anxiety. If these are not resolved properly, normal development may be interrupted, and the child may be fixated, or stuck, at the current stage.

sheesheeshank "Vat makes sense, but I am certainly not a youngling."

A youngling?

"Vat is how you humans say 'child'."

So how old are you, Blitzwing?

"In your time measurements? About 2 billion, 562 million, 368 thousand, 953 years old. Give or take a few years."

Goodness.

"Needless to say, I am the Cybertronian equivalent ov an adult, not a child."

Understood. Now, for example, some people remain fixated at the oral stage, which occurs, at least for humans, in the first year of life.

"Vor Cypertronians, let us say vat vis occurs vithin the virst vorn."

Vorn?

"83 human years."

sheesheeshank "MUST VE EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, YOU STUPID HUMAN?!"

I'm sorry; I'm very ignorant to Cybertronian culture.

"YOU CERTAINLY ARE!!"

Aaaaanyway, babies experience the world through their mouths, so for someone who is fixated in this oral stage, as adults they will seek oral satisfaction in smoking, overeating, nail biting, or chewing on pencils.

sheesheeshank "i VoVe To ChEW!!"

sheesheeshank "So vat explains a little about Vandom."

Next is the oral stage, at the human age of 2 or 3, when toilet training and control of bodily wastes are key issues.

"…….You are not making this up?"

No, I am not. People fixated at this stage may become "anal retentive", holding everything in and obsessed about neatness and cleanliness. Or they may become "anal expulsive", messy and disorganized.

"Hmmm…….Hothead is a bit messy, vat vith blowing everything up and all."

sheesheeshank "sO tHeN hOtHeAd Is ThE eQuIvAlEnT oF dIaRrHeA!!"

No, that's not…..

sheesheeshank "VAT!? HUMAN, I VILL KILL YOU!!"

sheesheeshank "Please hurry and continue!"

Okay, um, next is the phallic stage. But before we go into that, I need to go back to Vector Sigma.

"Alvight."

Would you be able to tell me if Vector Sigma was feminine or masculine?

"Neither. It had no gender, it is similar to vat you humans vould call a 'database'."

Oh dear. This makes things more complicated.

"I see."

What about you, Blitzwing? Are you feminine or masculine?

sheesheeshank "DO I SEEM FEMININE TO YOU?!"

…..Alright, masculine it is. So at the phallic stage, which lasts from 3 to 6 in a human, children unconsciously wish to….ah, er……..

"SPEAK!!"

……….to possess the parent of the opposite sex and get rid of the parent of the same sex.

"………..VAAAAAAAAT?!"

sheesheeshank "ViS hUmAn Is CrAzIeR vEn I aM!!"

Well, you wanted to use psychoanalysis! This is what it is!

sheesheeshank "Human, iv you are making vis up……"

I'm not! I swear!

"Ven, please continue."

Ah, none of you seem to be fixated at this stage, so if you don't mind, I'm just going to skip it.

"No. Continue."

Well, ah, human males supposedly discover that human females do not have the same reproductive organs as themselves, and human females discover the same. They conclude that the, um, organ must have been removed from the females for some reason by the parent, so the superego takes over, repressing sexual desire and making the child identify with the same sex parent, thus ending the stage.

sheesheeshank "dEaR pRiMuS, i NeEd To VaSh My SpArK oUt VitH aCiD!!"

sheesheeshank "……………………………..…………………."

sheesheeshank "I do believe you have rendered Hothead speechless."

Um…….you're welcome?

"Quite."

It is at this stage that Freud believes that unconscious conflicts with the parents will be cemented into the child's personality. Thus, if the parent was abusing the child at this point, they would have mental complexes for the rest of their life.

"But vat can not ve vrue vor me. I have not had contact vith Vector Sigma since I vas sparked."

Maybe there was someone else to replace the parental figure for you?

"Vell, the only mech that I vould consider being greater than myself vould be Megatron…..

Megatron?!

"Yes, Megatron."

sheesheeshank "mEgAtRoN iS mY dAdDy?!"

You're with Megatron?!

sheesheeshank "Yes. Did I not make vat clear ven I told you I vas a Decepticon?"

…………You know what, I think I just reached a diagnosis for you.

"Verly? Alveady?"

sheesheeshank "VELL?! VAT IS IT??"

……………You are nuttier than a fruitcake. SECURITY!!

"VAAATTT?! TRAITOREOUS HUMAN!!"

sheesheeshank "Unhand me! I vill not be handled in vis way!!"

sheesheeshank "vE'rE gOiNg To CaNdY MoUnTaIn, ChArLiE!! iT's ViLlEd ViTh SwEeTs AnD jOy, AnD jOyNeSs!!"

I hate my job.