A/N. Rah. Angst and a whole mass of text.
Special thanks to Saving Shard by Maia's Pen in the inspiration/angst department- and to all my special reviewers who helped me and um... yeah. I used up all my 'noble' and 'epic' in the chapter. Sorry. I love you all, though.
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Chapter Five
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Rock Bottom
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What does it mean to die? Is it like a sudden vacuum, draining all feeling from you and leaving a simple husk- your body- behind? Or is it a sudden miasma of pain, regret, fear, rage against the inevitably of your situation? Somehow, it is both.
Shiki felt him go- muscles relax followed by a shaky but deep sigh. That was it. His body had given up the fight for life. For a moment, she felt her heart stop as well. His skin was pale, his features still and limp like overcooked pasta. What was worse, she felt his soul leave- for his heart was part of hers, and would forever be. But, this part was leaving, and would not be returned to her again unless, somehow, death itself could be cheated.
In a way, she was gone, too, by the time the ambulance arrived and took Neku away, crash cart at the ready to try to save the brave young soul. Bystanders and gawkers alike for once kept a respectful silence as the red and white vehicles drove away.
Rhyme and Beat were quickly by Shiki's side, comforting words soothing her like ice on a broken bone- it helps but does not heal. She was feeling a very similar agony that Neku had felt not a week ago; like her very heart and life force had been stolen from her. All by Satoshi.
Some may have said Neku was the stronger of the two- he forced his emotions down and refused to cry, held his ground and tried to save himself. Other say Shiki was stronger- she let herself mourn, a tidal wave of tears and emotions, depended on her friends to save her.
Neku's face stayed still... and Shiki wept.
...00000000000...
A breathless scream seared Neku's throat like icy fire- fury and pain made audible as his consciousness swam and sunk, like drowning in mud. His realization, his life changing epiphany, had come both moments too late and moments too early. Instead of satisfaction that would have born of his ignorance, or a burning ambition for survival, he could only taste bitter regret.
He was falling, mind stuck in an endless loop once more, but of a different line of thought than before.
WHY?? Why do I always learn my lesson moments too late, say the right thing too late... I am always too late!! Too late! Too late! TOO LATE!
Insanity crept into his mind like a starving dog, looking for it's opportunity to steal, to injure and maim what was left of Neku. This kind of thinking will do me in, he realized bitterly. Despertly, he diverted his mind into a more solid line of thoughts.
Memories.
...00000000000...
He was 7 years old, just a couple months until his eighth birthday. His mother, her soft green eyes almost glowing, was combing his hair in his room when his father burst in. He smelled sharp and diseased, like a deadly chemical. He had been drinking again.
"Damn whore, whereve you been? " His blue eyes spat fire, though dulled by the booze; his words slurred and seeming to drip from his mouth like poisonous sludge. Hastily, Celia tried to usher her son out of the room, but Shiruto would have none of it. "Don't you try to run outof here with that spawn. "
Celia was shoved roughly out of the way, frail frame smacking the far wall and knocking the breath out of her. In two long steps, the drunkard had grabbed his son by the shirt collar, bringing him close to his face- behind a mass of black hair, his bitter blue glare piercing, stabbing at Neku with their hatred.
"You... you are NOT my son. " Here he grabbed a hunk of the just-brushed ginger hair, wrenching it cruelly as Celia watched on in horror, " My son wouldn't look like this!! "
Neku, too, was slammed to the floor; recovering quickly, he fled through the open door as Shiruto lunged for him. The cruel hands grabbed at thin air, then Neku was gone, hiding in the closet as he gasped for air, trembling with pain, fear, and helpless rage.
He could still hear them upstairs, his mother's desperate but brave voice, and his father's drunken roars. Then there was a sudden crash, a cry of "Mercy" from Celia, and a tremendous, terrible sound.
Neku's young mind remembered one time, when he had seen a group of teenagers carry a melon up to the second floor of the apartment across from his, then drop it and watch it smash on the pavement. This sound was similar... a juicy, explosive crunch. But there were no melons upstairs.
Silence reigned for a few moments- Neku's curiosity overcoming his fear. Opening the door a touch, he was met with resistance on the other side. His mother was propped against it, green eyes dimming over. The dark crimson of her hair was leaking onto her forehead and the wall behind her. He touched it, feeling the sticky warmth and taking his hand quickly away.
Shiruto was standing a few feet away, holding something small and metal. He, too, was splattered with Celia's crimson hair, a grim smile on his face as the barrel of the silenced gun was pressed against the side of his head.
"This is your fault, Neku. All... your fault. "
The seven year old boy wandered down the stairs. Silently he pulled a juice box from the fridge, placing over his ears the headphones he had just gotten the week before. The music in his ears blotted out the second sound.
Neku was now an orphan.
...xxxxxxxxxxx...
For the next few years, Neku bounced around in various foster homes around Shibuya, never staying in once pace for very long. His indifferent and generally abrasive nature left him often to his own devices, and alone in a crowded city. His currant guardian, a businessman in his early 40s, had put up with him for quite some time. You could almost say they got along.
"You sure you'll be fine here by yourself? " Masaki paused in the doorway, suitcases in hand as he prepared to leave for the United States. Neku knew he didn't actually CARE- he had only been adopted for tax benefits. Still... it was nice to be in an actual home for a time, especially after the Game.
"...yes. " He replied- not because Masaki cared, not because Neku cared. Because deep down, he was beginning to warm up to Masaki. Being one's father figure for 3 years- how ever seldom due to business trips- did something to the orange-haired reject. Being around friends did something to him.
"Be back in a week! "
The almost-sixteen year old old waved his hand once in a half-hearted goodbye, slipping his headphones back on and slumping agianst the back of the couch as Masaki left.
Two weeks later, the teenager was getting a little edgy. He had not left the house for two days (thank goodness for the weekend) hoping to get a phone call- any news at all. But, nothing.
At last, when forced to go back in school, the last thing Neku wanted to do was socialize. So, when Shiki had asked him out...
He froze, blue eyes expressionless, hiding the turmoil inside. All I've ever wanted was to be with her... But I can't. Not just yet.
"I...I can't, Shiki. Not tonight. I'm sorry. " His voice was soft and low, his eyes not meeting hers. He felt like he was tearing his soul in two- if she asked him again, he wouldn't be able to say no.
She was quiet for a moment. "Some other time then? "
Neku nodded before continuing on his way home, refusing to look back at her again. Some other time...
Tossing his bags in the corner, Neku halfheartedly checked the messages on the phone's answering machine.
'Hey, Neku. It's Masaki. Sorry I haven't checked back with you or anything- some important business stuff came up and I've got to stay for another month for so. My sister's coming by this week to take care of you, ok? See you later. '
She never came. No one ever came, and Neku decided to track Masaki down. Skipping school, he took a bus to the airport, asking every attendant and staff when Masaki Harubito would be coming back to Japan.
"I'm sorry... no one with that name has bought any airline tickets for the last 6 months. "
"You're absolutely certain? "
"Yes. I'm sorry, sir. " The brown haired woman sighed sadly. "Anything else I can help with? "
"...no, thanks anyway. "
For the next week or so, Neku traveled to every port, every airport, every possible place he could find out anything about Masaki. But, there was nothing. He had abandoned the teenager, and Neku was all alone again.
Exhausted and broken-hearted, all he wanted to do was get home and lock the door on the world until he was hauled away from Shibuya by the foster care system again. But it was not to be.
"NEKU'S BACK!! "
Shiki's overjoyed cry cut through his though like a tidal wave of icy water-refreshing, but not as welcome as usual.
Just as he was stepping onto the sidewalk, she half-tackled him in a huge hug, not noticing him stiffen under her touch. You can't trust anyone anymore.
"Where were you, Neku? We were all so worried about- "
He pushed her away suddenly, blue eyes blazing with emotion. "Worried? Right. Why should any of you care about me?! " He snapped suddenly, Shiki taking an involuntary step back. Her brown eyes, so soft and affectionate, now seemed to burn him with their intensity. Now he doubted how she felt about him, whether this was all just an act and if she, too, was going to leave him.
"You're our friend, Neku. What we went through in the Reaper's Game- "
"-Doesn't matter, " he finished, his tone raw and icy. "People change, Shiki. You should know that by now. " He would rather push her away and break his own heart then risk her shattering his. I can't trust her anymore...
She grabbed his shoulder as he tried to walk off. "I know they do, Neku. And you changed back. What happened to you? " Her voice half broke at the end as he tore roughly out of her grasp and vanished into the crowd. All I want is to be left alone right now. Why couldn't she understand that?
...00000000000...
So many memories... so many mistakes... I wasted my second change at live... I don't suppose I'll get a third. Goodbye Shibuya, music, Rhyme, Beat, life...
Goodbye, Shiki.
...00000000000...