AN: Again, thanks to all of my awesome reviewers! This chapter goes out to RodentOfUnusualSIze for giving me the song for the chapter! Here's to you!

Disclaimer: Once again, Avenue Q and Twilight are not mine.

Trivia: John Tartaglia, who played Rod and Princeton in the orignal cast of Avenue Q, also stars as Johnny on Disney Channel's Johnny and the Sprites.

If You Were Gay

based on

"If You Were Gay" from Avenue Q

Edward glanced around the living room, before smiling and settling down into a soft chair. He took a book off the table next to him, and proceeded to read, thinking to himself how lucky it was that no one was home! In fact, Edward loved the silence so much, he decided to proclaim it.

"Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "100 Greatest Composers of Our Time." Edward glanced around the room once more, and listened to the far-off thoughts of people and smiled. "No annoying family members to bother me. How could it get any better than this?" Suddenly, Emmett bounded through the door at vampire speed, a huge smile dominating his face. He had had such an amazing time on the bus today, that he just had to share it with someone! But who...who indeed. Emmett glanced around the room and noticed Edward gaping at him. Edward, perfect!

"Oh, hi Edward!" Edward lifted his book to cover his face and aggravation.

"Hi Emmett." Edward groaned. Emmett walked jubilantly over to Edward, pulled the book down, and sat on the chair next to Edward.

"Hey Edward, you'll never guess what happened to m e on the bus this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me..."

"That's very interesting." Edward said, trying his hardest not to show his aggravation. Emmett continued on with his story.

"He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!" Emmett howled with laughter about this. He wondered how Edward, the prude who he thought was gay for decades, would react to this.

Strangely enough, Edward did not know how to react to this. Sure, many gay people had come on to him and his brothers because of their glorious beauty. It wasn't that outrageous. So then why was he feeling so...so..jealous about this? Edward loved Bella with all his heart, that was true, but there was also another certain...longing for his brothers or even his father. Edward shrugged those thoughts off. He loved Bella! Maybe he was bi...Edward visibly shuddered at this thought. Emmett's comments were getting to him, that was it! It's just Emmet getting to you, it's just Emmet getting to you... Edward repeated these thoughts in his head, until he realized that Emmett was staring at him. He had been silent for far too long. Edward cleared his throat and spoke, choosing his words very carefully.

"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?" Edward mentally smacked himself. He was talking way too spastically. And lunch? Since when did he call hunting lunch? Thankfully, Emmett didn't notice...much.

"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Edward..."

"I am NOT getting defensive!" Edward yelled, interrupting Emmett. He quickly composed himself, and resumed reading his book. "Why do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read." Emmett seemed a tad offended at Edward's fierceness. He never reacted like this so quickly into a taunt! At least he wasn't being chased yet. Emmett dared to push the taunt further.

"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Edward." Emmett said, feigning innocence. "I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."

"I don't want to talk about it, Emmett! This conversation is over!!" Edward said as cooly as possible. It didn't come out too cool.

"Yeah, but..."

"OVER!!" Edward shouted, as he mentally slapped himself again. Play it cool, Edward, play it cool. Emmett sighed. Edward wasn't reacting as much as he should be. He took a deep unnecessary breath before deciding to do something he'd never done before: taunting Edward in song.

"Well, okay, but just so you know —if you were gay, that'd be okay. I mean 'cause hey, I'd like you anyway. Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay! But I'm not gay." Edward groaned as Emmett sang. This was going too far. He had to end it before it got even worse.

"Emmett, please! I am trying to read..." Emmett simply smiled at Edward for several seconds, until Edward felt so uncomfortable that he cried out.

"What?!" Emmett smiled as Edward yelled, and began to sing again.

"If you were queer," Edward buried his head in his book.

"Ah, Emmett!" Emmett ignored Edward's cries, and continued to taunt him in song.

"I'd still be here."

"Emmett, I'm trying to read this book." Edward said as he showed the book to Emmett, practically shoving it in his face. It didn't stop Emmett from singing.

"Year after year.."

"Emmett!" Edward screamed. Emmett was seriously going to far! Edward was looking forward to a peaceful afternoon, and now Emmett had ruined it! And to top it off, Emmett was teasing him, in song, about his sexuality!

"Because you're dear to me!"

"Argh!" Edward groaned as he got out of the chair, and made his way across the room to another chair. To his discontent, Emmett followed him, singing with a stupid smile plastered on his face.

"And I know that you..."

"What?" Edward asked annoyed, as Emmett stood in front of him, smiling like an idiot. He was enjoying this too much.

"Would accept me too,"

"I would?" Edward scoffed.

"If I told you today," Emmett mimicked Edward's voice, "Hey! Guess what, I'm gay!' But I'm not gay." Emmett began to skip around Edward's chair as Edward tried to engross himself in his book.

"I'm happy just being with you!"

"Edward Cullen, Claude Debussy..." Edward recited the names of the composers in his book, trying not to listen to Emmett.

"So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys!?" Emmett laughed hysterically as Edward's jaw fell and he screamed.

"Emmett, that is GROSS!" Emmett simply shook his head, still laughing.

"No it's not! If you were gay, I'd shout hooray!"

"I am not listening!" Edward said as he covered his ears, as if that would help.

"And here I'd stay,"

"La la la la la!" Edward sang loud and off-key, trying to block Emmett out. It wasn't working very well.

"But I wouldn't get in your way!" Edward screamed, and started to run around the house. Emmett, laughing, followed him, singing.

"You can count on me," Emmett chased Edward out of the house. "To always be," Emmett chased Edward back inside the house. "Beside you every day," Emmett chased Edward up the stairs. "To tell you it's okay," Emmett chased Edward passed Alice and Jasper's rooms. "You were just born that way," Emmett chased Edward past his and Rosalie's rooms. "And if they say, it's in your DNA, you're gay!" Emmett chased Edward back downstairs to the living room.

"I AM NOT GAY!" Edward screamed.

"If you were gay." Emmett pointed out, giggling. That did it for Edward. He growled once, and then pounced Emmett, tackling him to the ground. They wrestled for a few minutes, until the door swung open revealing a very confused Bella.

"E-E-Edward?" Bella asked. Surprised, Edward jumped up and ran over to Bella, grabbing her by the arm.

"Let's go Bella."

"Yeah, but-" Bella protested, but Edward just walked her outside.

"You really don't want to know."

AN: HAHAHA!! Ah, I love Avenue Q! Poor Edward! And yet, I don't feel that much remorse for him! Ah, well! Please send me your suggestions!