Present

-T W O Y E A R S L A T E R-

School just another reason for people to have you under radar, to keep you in a mold. What they think is normal; acceptable. I haven't fit that mold for a while. I keep it up, the act. For other people keep up shopping sprees, show the Barbie image. To someone on the outside I fit into the standards. My mother knows difference she never lets me forget it. That I'm branded on the head with a 'past'.

My only safe haven is the Twilight series. In here I see a movie where I am Bella in Edward's arms. My father isn't dead but more importantly my mom doesn't think I did it. I have a true love and a father. Family, a supportive one full of love not hatred, my favorite part was in Twilight I didn't feel totally alone. Bella was my wishful identity what I dreamt about and what I think of from dusk till done.

.....

I open my eyes to another blindingly sunny day, ugh I hate sunny days. I wish it would just rain once in a while. I know CA is a bad choice to live, not my bad choice in the first place. After my dad died my mom insisted on moving to California, to escape things. I think it's just so the people who knew her wouldn't get worried on how much she's changed, and not for the better.

I drag my feet across the pristine white carpet. It hurts this early in the morning to even think of lifting my feet off the ground. As I reach for the bathroom door my hand shocks the metal knob. 'What a wonderful start to a wonderful day!' I internally and sarcastically think to myself. 'I should probably stop doing that' I say aloud. I immediately change my train of thought when I realize that I just talked to myself. 'Never mind talking to myself in my own head is much healthier'.

I turn on the shower on scalding hot. The burning on my skin helps when things get rough. The hard part is wearing long sleeves for about 2 days in CA weather to hide the red blotches that will know cover my body. But I'll deal just like I do with everything else. Hide the pain and convince everyone your covered in smiles.

......

1 MONTH LATER.

I've noticed lately I'm not hiding what I'm feeling. I'm slowly giving up the Barbie act, but subconsciously. I don't care what people think I no longer call my friends, they no longer call back. I'm scared, this isn't me. But at the same time it feels totally right, like a bike covered with a tarp. The tarp maybe new and shiny but when removed there's a shabby piece of medal underneath. Is that what's happened to me. Has my tarp been removed to show the real me? Or has another one been added to hide the fact I'm hurting, to further bury me within myself?

What is my subconscious hiding from me I keep asking myself? Is it hiding 'me'?

.....

2 MONTHS LATER.

I am now confused as scared. I recently feel like I'm in a haze, almost sleepy. But when I close my eyes and succumb to the cottony mist. Instead of sleeping it's as if I go under a bubble, a slight film. It shields me from the world. It shields the world from me. From my feelings, they can't see mine. No risk of being hurt.

There's that subconscious thing again. I don't know why I'm hiding myself, why am I afraid of being hurt? What is my mind shying from, hiding from?

What is it hiding from me?

Music used to be a safe haven. But now it reminds me of a past my body and mind shies away from. What you may ask. I don't know. My mind is no longer safe to me. It's working against me in a way that doesn't have words. That's because in the back of my mind I know it's not me but it's as if fate is pushing me in a way where it's too late to push back.

Life's weird at this point in my life. The actual me is slowly fading away leaving nothing in its wake, nothing to balance. My feelings and personality is slowly becoming obsolete. Even when I talk I feel like it's lifeless. The shield doesn't help, it's as if I'm having to fight harder and harder to break through.

As I get out of bed I slowly creak open my eyes. Everything has a slight blur around the edges. It makes it even harder to keep my eyes open to know it's just another day. That's at least until I pull down hard on the blinds to find another hot, dry, sunny day. In the back of my mind I keep recalling hating the sun, but now I just don't know why. I hate every cold, wet thing. And I don't know why.

I vaguely remember reading Twilight and recalling Bella loving the sun and hating every cold thing but it's that damn subconscious again. It shies away from these facts, the ones that explain the answers.

I shake my head roughly and continue on to the restroom. On the way out I shuffle my feet against the carpet not even thinking about the shock that is awaiting me at the doorknob. *zap* There it is my morning pick me up.

Then I sadly realize. What is there to look forward to?

Family? No.

Friends? No.

What is there to live for?

Is anyone counting on me? No.

At that point I ask myself the final question. Why am I still living?

The answer to that is what scares me the most.