You're Not As Smart As You Aren't

Chapter One

Voldo Checks In

Sigfried crept warily from his bedroom, a large aluminum baseball bat clutched in his hands. He scanned the hallway, and was relieved to find Yoshimitsu absent. Nonetheless, he used an extreme amount of caution as he left the safety of the doorway. When nothing happened, he turned and checked in Yoshimitsu's room. He lay facedown and sleeping on his bed-sideways, clad only in a pair of Spongebob boxers.

Sigfried shook his head and smiled and turned around.

"AHA!" Yohsimitsu screeched and jumped out from the bathroom across the hall, fully clothed.

Sigfried shrieked in terror and toppled. He gasped for air. "How'd you, what?" He looked back and forth.

"So yeah, the neighbors got a new dog. It pissed on our mailbox this morning." Yoshimitsu explained as if nothing at all had just happened. "Something's going to have to be done, and besides, it'll get us introduced. The guy's wife is pretty hot, and so is his daughter. Might be good to, you know, keep our options open."

"Dude," Sigfried said between hyperventilation. "I have a girlfriend."

"Well, in all honesty Sigfried, I was talking to myself about that. You gotta stop being so selfish." Yoshimitsu shook his head in disgrace and walked away. Sigfried watched him go with an expression of sheer terror and turned towards the bathroom. "Yeah, don't bother using the shower. I used up all the hot water washing my throw-rugs."

"What?!" Sigfried exploded. "We do have a freaking washing machine! You know this, right?!"

"Yeah, but washing them in the shower makes doing laundry a much more intimate experience. You get to know the laundry, you get to become one with-"

"I get it. I'll put up with lukewarm."

Yoshimitsu shook his head. "Nah, I used the last of the lukewarm having a shower for myself after I was done scrubbing down the rugs." He barely had time to duck as Sigfried hucked a houseplant at his skull. "Well that was negative. What did that accomplish?"

"Nothing, seeing as it missed." Sigfried growled and stormed downstairs. Yoshimitsu clicked his tongue disapprovingly and retreated to his room to spy on the neighbors.

Voldo peered around the street through the thick sunglasses. He spotted a large family walking towards him and he readied himself. A large Panama sat upside-down by his feet, where an accumulated fifty dollars sat. "Money for the blind?" He asked groping blindly. They looked sadly at him and dug through their pockets before depositing thirty bucks. "Thankya friend!" Voldo cried. "God bless you!" They walked away and Voldo grinned. At the rate he was going, he'd have a PS3 by sundown.

"Voldo?" A familiar voice asked. He turned around to see Murray standing there, his eyes narrowed.

"Uh, hey, sir!" Voldo said with a grin. "Weird eh? Turns out years of slave labor at the fast food joint blinded me."

"You were only there three days!" Murray screamed. "Not only are you a selfish weirdo, you're a con artist too!"

"Sir, your lack of confidence in me is not only surprising but painful. My therapist warned me about people like you. Nothing constructive comes of it-"

"Get those sunglasses off your face before I stuff them up your rear! You're perfectly capable of getting another job!" Murray was going a shade of red that reminded Voldo of ketchup. This was making him hungry.

"Well, I was, until a hobo ate my seeing eye-dog. Oh, and I can say hobo with no guilt, seeing as that's what I've been reduced to by your demeaning system of conformity and-" Voldo was cut off as his former employer balled up a newspaper and hucked it at his face.

"If you're so damn desperate, find another job, and don't let me see you out here again!"

"Oh, so we start with the sight jokes... Next you'll be moving stuff around on me and laughing as I helplessly fumble!" Murray had no response, and simply threw up his arms and stormed off. Voldo took off his sunglasses and unrolled the newspaper to read the classifieds. A familiar name caught his eyes. 'Roommate needed, apply to Sigfried or Yoshimitsu.' His high-school buddies, right before his nose.

"Hey, you're not blind!" A small kid yelled at him, pointing accusingly.

"Who says!?" Voldo scowled and continued to read the newspaper.

"You're a bad man!" The kid accused.

"And you're short." Voldo said absently as he turned on his heel and made his way towards the address of his old friends, making sure to grab his Panama. He jingled it and grinned to himself. It could be a good week after all.

Cassandra rolled her eyes and ate another fry as Sophitia went on. "I swear sis, you're wasting your time with that guy. He's never going anywhere, he listens to crappy music, and-"

"Just what, Soph, does his musical taste have to do with how he lives his life?!" Cassandra snapped. She couldn't help it, she loved her sister, but Sophitia had this tendency. You know, the one where she never shut up? They were in a cafe outside the college, as it was lunch, and what Cassandra assumed was just going to be some friendly sister time had turned into a lecture about how much better she could do.

"I don't know, why don't you ask Marilyn Manson. Now he doesn't let his music interfere with his lifestyle."

"Nice, sis. He doesn't even like Marilyn Manson."

"That's not the point, the point is, he's a bum. He has a good job, but he still hangs around with people like Yoshimitsu. Isn't that a bit weird?" Sophitia was talking quite loud, and everyone in the building appeared to be more interested than Cassandra was.

"Yoshimitsu?!" Kilik inquired from the table beside them. "That guy killed my grandma's cat!"

"Look, for once can't you stay out of things?" She groaned.

"I loved that cat..." Kilik sighed, and returned to his coffee sullenly.

"Not you!" Cassandra snapped.

"Well, I would if you knew how to make those 'things' work." Sophitia took an angry bite of her burger. "Now, I wouldn't mind if you were with someone like my boyfriend..."

"Oh my God, Soph! You just brought up an important counterpoint for me, how the hell can you judge Sigfriend when you're dating Raphael?!"

"Hey! He's sophisticated, and he's quite rich." Sophitia sniffed.

"Yeah, and sophisticated doubles nicely for 'complete douchebag'! He looks down on everyone, even you!" Cassandra practically screamed.

Sophitia sighed in irritation and stood. "Fine! Make your own mistakes! Don't let your sister's help get in your way!" She promptly stalked out.

"What a bitch." Kilik noted.

"What a nosy bastard!" Cassandra screamed buried her face in her hands and breathed deeply. "Wow, some help." She laughed as she noted Sophitia had left the bill. Shaking her head, she moved to the counter to pay.

"What the fuck?!" Sigfried roared and sat bolt upright in the couch as the sound of deathbells rang through the house. "Is it the Apocalypse already!?"

"No, no!" Yoshimitsu yelled as he popped out from behind the couch. "It's the new doorbell I put in. Crazy, right?!"

"We haven't even unpacked and you're installing custom doorbells?" Sigfried gasped.

"Isn't that the first thing you do?" He chuckled and started to walk upstairs.

"Aren't you going to get that?!"

"Hell no." Came the disembodied reply as Yoshimitsu dissapeared upstairs. "Our neighbour, Malcolm. You know the guy who talks like Richard O'Brien in The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Well, I haven't seen his wife for a few days. I think he may have killed her."

"How the hell do you draw that conclusion? How do you know his name, for that matter?! We've never even met them!"

"He's also a robot." Yoshimitsu roared down the stairs, ignoring Sigfried's question.

"Oh, for the love of God." Sigfried sighed. "I'll get the frocking door!"

"He never eats. Orders pizza sometimes... Tips well... But he never eats..." Yoshimitsu rumbled to himself from above. Sigfried pulled open the door and stopped dead.

"Holy balls, dude! I don't believe it!" Sigfried screamed and embraced his friend.

"Easy!" Voldo gasped. "Brittle bones, brittle bones!"

"Nice!" Sigfried laughed. "Used that one on the gym teacher to get out of the 12 minute run."

"Naw, that was the prostate exam gone wrong shpiel. I used brittle bones to get out of the beep test." Voldo grinned. "I heard you guys need a room-mate."

"Is that Voldo?!" Yoshimitsu howled, jumping out from behind the door, which flung forward and knocked Sigfried to the ground. Voldo shrieked and leapt into the air, before realizing who it was. "Hold me, bitch!" Yoshimitsu screamed and embraced his old friend.

"What've you been up to?" Sigfried asked as he stood, rubbing his shoulder.

"Oh, you know me. I play the field. Did a gig at the bank..."

"You worked at a bank?!" Yoshimitsu exclaimed. "You?"

"Fuck no. I stole a whole shitload of their tie on pens and sold them back to them though. Then I decided to go straight and tried my hand at the bowling alley. Got fired after I fell asleep though. Turns out bowling balls are the number one killer of children uner four in this town..." He looked off into space for a moment before snapping back to attention. "Worked at McDonald's... And ended up trying to drown Necrid in grease."

"I remember him." Sigfried said. "Used to walk around the school mumbling, and every time you said chicken-balls he'd slam his head off a locker."

"Yeah. Fucker got Chinese Take-Out day banned." Yoshimitsu scowled. "Did you kill him?" Yoshimitsu appeared quite hopeful. "I've thought about you know, those nights when sleep wouldn't come... And I would crave those sultry chicken balls... Only to know it wold never be."

"Naw. Third degree burns on the face though. Lost my job."

"Ah! The third-degree burns! I like your style!" Yoshimitsu cackled diabolically.

"Yup. Now I'm self-employed!"

"Unemployed?" Sigfried corrected.

"More or less." Voldo shrugged. "So I need a place to crash."

"Alright!" Sigfried grinned. "Rent is-"

"Ah, about that. Kind of not happening." Voldo said as he stormed past and tossed his stuff in the corner of the living room. "I call couch!"

Sigfried went to exchange a glance with Yoshimitsu, but his other friend was already back upstairs. "Seriously man!" Yoshimitsue hollered. "It's three o' clock, and his wife should be home anytime, and she won't be! She's dead, man! He fucking ate her!"

"What's he talking about?" Voldo chuckled.

"Oh, apparently our neighbour is a cyborg." Sigfriend stood over the couch. "Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but without paying-"

"Dude! You got HD?! Tell me you get Blade TV! Every Saturday night they have Squirrel Wars. I've heard it's a work of art in HD." Voldo whooped as he found it. "Man this is a dream come true. God bless ya', Siggy!"

Sigfried opened his mouth to protest once again... But he paused. How could he deny a friend like Voldo? Voldo was always there for him in high school. When the other kids would pick on Sigfried for having long hair, it was Voldo who urinated in their lockers. Voldo who chased them off with compasses. Voldo was the best friend he had ever- His thoughts were cut off as a loud fart reverberated from below him.

"Oh damn." Voldo groaned. "Chili was a bad choice. Gimme a minute friend. Where's your bathroom?"

"Down the hall-" Sigfried clapped a hand over his mouth and nose. "Dude, what the fuck! I taste it!" He gagged desperately and collapsed upon the ground, trying to keep his lunch down, tears in his eyes. "Why? Why?" He sobbed. Voldo's laughter shook from the bathroom, and was promptly cut off by another loud farting noise.

"I hope you have Lysol!" Voldo sang. "And a big-ass plunger!"

"Hey! We do have those!" Yoshimitsu smiled sunnily as he came downstairs with a shotgun. "I don't think they're unpacked yet though. What a shame."

"What the fuck are you doing?" Sigfried screamed, pointing to the shotgun.

"Oh, this?" Yoshimitsu laughed and primed the pump briskly. "It's a well known fact that flesh-eating robots can only be killed with shotguns."

"Put it down! He's not a robot!"

"Fine! You'll be sorry when you wake up with half your stomach gone. We're next, Sig!" Yoshimitsu warned as he trooped back up the stairs. He then exploded from the other side of the couch, pressing his face right up against Sigfried's, whom may have just pissed his pants. "We're next..." He hissed, and scampered off.

Sigfried banged his head off the floor. You gotta love your friends, right?