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Without A Decision

(28 February 2009)

Not a wise person would bet against Alice. I told Bella this, I told myself it for far too long to start doubting my own words, but now Bella believes it, I want to prove Alice wrong. I will not turn Bella into a vampire. I cannot take her life and do that to her. Bella is now more determined than ever to have her soul ripped away. Alice had opened her mouth and told Bella that someday, she would be like us. Alice no longer has visions of me loosing control and turning Bella by accident, or loosing control and killing her. I didn't tell Bella this, for I still believe it is possible, her siren call, is so strong, even though I was getting used to it, it still called to me in a way I couldn't refuse for too long.

It was like a person hitting a baseball bat against glass, eventually, that glass would break and shatter. Unless, it was bulletproof, and in Bella's case, soundproof too.

In truth, I wanted Bella to be scared of what I could do, what any of us could do and it didn't necessarily have to be me biting her. Bella was getting more demanding in other areas as well, though she always instinctively moved that way, something about our chemistry and me having to be the strong one to break it off. She was after all, only human. This was different though, it was still almost unconscious, but it was more purposeful, and not just getting too caught up in it.

I suppose it was only natural, she was turning eighteen today. We had surprised her with a big birthday and she glared at me until I was sure she'd give herself a headache. "I hate being given things." She warned as she turned to the family with a huge smile. "Thank you all so much, for doing this, but you didn't have to. Being in my life is enough."

It took some coaxing, but in the end she just felt bad to deny my family anything. I wondered then, why it was acceptable to hurt my feelings by denying me to give her anything, which I didn't, knowing that too well, so I made her something instead. I'd give it to her when we were alone tonight. So she graciously took their gifts and opened each, the first was just a box and she eyed Emmett curiously and he only shrugged. Rosalie sauntered back in the room, she loved working on any car, so even though she didn't quite like Bella, she'd do this for her, and me. She just finished installing the new radio.

"Really, guys you spend way too much on me."

"Bella, relax, we have money, what should we do with it, if we can't spend it?" I wrapped my arm around her waist and I felt her tension ease out as she looked up at me with a smile. I put that in a category to remember, even when she was angry with me, I helped calm her. Though as I looked at Jasper, he only shook his head, he hadn't had anything to do with that. This gift that she was now opening was from Esme and Carlisle.

She only had three gifts to open, each couple had given her something, and as she slid her finger under the wrapping paper, the edge sliced a small stream of skin. Blood pooled to the surface and I acted instinctively, I tossed her back and I winced as I knew it was too hard, but I shouted for Jasper to stop. His eyes had darkened and he was lunging for my Bella.

I turned my head to see her trying to steady herself on her hands, and I tortured myself over what I saw. I had tossed her into the table, where there, she slid along it for a little while, cutting a long line in her arm from the broken china, the birthday cake had smashed to the floor on the other side, and Bella had been dumped onto the ground, no doubt jarring her arm as well as cutting it.

My eyes though were on the blood, the venom coated my throat and she looked up at us, for the first time ever, I saw fear slither through her eyes. I knew I couldn't fight off this many capable vampires, we weren't newborns driven only by blood lust, though looking at us, you might think that was false.

Carlisle was next to Bella in a moment and all of us calmed slightly. The others fled the house, only Alice and I were left. I'm so sorry I didn't see it, it wasn't a planned scenario but I should have seen something once she decided to open the present. Alice's words came to my mind, and I realized, Bella must not have even planned to open that gift, she was just fidgeting with it, and instead snagged a sharp edge. Alice could not protect Bella from any of us. It wasn't just Jasper that wanted her blood, and I knew now, I had to protect Bella from my family and me.

Alice had her nose plugged and looked straight at Bella, when I couldn't. "I'm sorry Bella." And then she disappeared out the door, I was the only one who understood Alice's words fully, I could see that Bella only believed it to be about not staying in the room with her.

I wanted to stay, I wanted to help, but I couldn't even look at her, or smell her without wanting to kill something, not her. Jasper maybe, for throwing this all into light. We were just so happy only an hour ago, life had been perfect. I could hear Jasper's guilt from far away, he was beating himself up for his inability to control himself. I knew then, it wasn't his fault, anymore than it was Bella's, it was mine.

I glanced at Bella through the corner of my eye, she looked like she was in pain and Carlisle was reaching for her arm. "Leave Edward."

I thought for a moment it was Carlisle telling me that, and I almost growled at him, then I realized it definitely wasn't him. It was too sweet a voice. I started. "Bella-"

"Leave Edward, it's fine, you can leave, don't be the martyr."

She thought I was having difficulty being in the same room with her because of my control? If she only knew- oh my Bella, always trying to be the strong brave one. "It's ok."

"Edward, leave." She winced as Carlisle prodded, and I wondered vaguely if she didn't want me to see her in pain, and beat myself up about it even more, if anyone was the Martyr, it was her.

I couldn't deny Bella anything, so I left. It would have been the hardest thing I'd ever done except it showed me exactly what I needed to do to protect her. I just had to plan it out and see what was the best course of action. But first, tonight, I needed to make sure she was all right and I would give her my gift. Then, I would leave her for good and nobody could change my mind, not even the heart that was tearing itself apart trying to.

EAN: So, anyone? What do you think? Is it as good as the first? This one wasn't so obvious with the heart stopping, "I'm pissed that I didn't have warning to fix this", but it was still there. I also tried to mix the bday scene and the leaving scene in his head to being one, so I didn't have to go into two different chapters for that.