In this, the Kyubi no Kitsune attacks. Orochimaru is still IC with everything he do. After all, in fighting he doesn't stop at anything to win and loves spectacular things, add his taste for mocking and taunting his enemies and the fact that an enraged mind is not efficient...
by lord Martiya
CHAPTER 2: WHAT A GODFATHER DO
They were dead. Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina were dead. A week before, the Kyubi no Kitsune, the only and one of the Nine Biju to be still unsealed, began to march on Konohagakure. Scores of shinobi faced the monster. They were slaughtered like nothing. The Sannin attacked the demon with every single trick they had, but even having him fall in a pit full of toad oil and set the oil on fire only slowed the demon. However, while the Kitsune was busy pursuing Orochimaru for setting the oil on fire and falling in extremely stupid traps (Tsunade almost choked herself with her own laughters when the Fox ended tied up with her own tails, and a Umino guy actually did(1)), Minato managed to get near the demon enough to seal him in a child. His own newborn son Naruto, born just two hours before that at the cost of Kushina's life (sometimes the Kyubi's chakra had strange effects, and with Tsunade on the frontline there was just no hope to save her). Before dieing for having used himself as human sacrifice to seal the Demon, Minato managed to give Orochimaru the key of the seal and tell that Naruto was to be considered a hero. Obviously, the Council was trying to do exactly the opposite, making Orochimaru almost regret not using them or their families in his experiments instead of trying to use some death-sentenced criminal and letting them blocking him to save money. In normal times, the best choice would be have them disappear by selling them to some slavist in Iwagakure, so to have an enemy deal with them, teach them something about life and even gaining some ryo in the process, but, sadly, with the damages made by the war their money was needed. And with Tsunade and Jiraya in the hospital (they got injuried while the Kyubi was struggling to get free from her own tails), the Third Hokage, pressed back in service by Minato's death, had very big problems in making them see the reason, especially with the help of the Uchiha Clan.
"As experimental doctor I have a question: how can you talk with so few braincells?" Orochimaru bluntly asked.
"HOW YOU DARE?!?!?!" a councilmember, whose surname Orochimaru needed a note to remember was Kazuyama, cried.
"What part in 'Minato sealed the demon in the child, the child is an hero who's pissing the demon by jailing him' is not clear?"
Akimichi Chouza could swear that Aburame Shibi just chuckled.
"But..." Kazuyama said.
"Cut the crap." Orochimaru replied cutting him off. "I am the one who delivered the baby in the village. Do you really believe he would survive if I wasn't sure he is NOT the Demon? If I had the suspect, I would force Jiraya to check the seal, and in fact I did it just to be sure. If I believed he was the demon, I would impaled him on Kusanagi, or eated him just like he wanted eat us, or transformed him in a wallet, or... Well, you got the idea. So, someone else wants to kill Naruto?"
"We need to kill him with the demon within him!" Uchiha Sasuke, head to the Uchiha Clan with the same name of his grand nephew Fugaku's last son, shouted.
"Why? To erase evidences of an Uchiha in control of the beast? Yes, I believe this, as I believe that the controller was some rogue. He was a rogue, wasn't it?"
Uchiha Sasuke was about to reply, but a look from the Hokage convinced him to shut up.
"Well, if there's no other idiot who wants to mess with Namikaze Naruto, son and heir to the Fourth Hokage, I'll go home to raise him." Orochimaru said.
Obviously, his phrase unveiled the missing idiots. We have to admit that Uchiha Sasuke didn't dared to say anything, even if he lost a son and got another one crippled at the hands of Orochimaru (actually, it was their idiocy: the dead one tried to kill Orochimaru with a genjutsu from his newly aquired Magenkyo Sharingan after killing his wife, and Orochimaru obviously didn't appreciated, the other challenged Orochimaru in their Chunin Exam and copied the Daitoppa(2), destroying his own lungs in the process. Seriously, why should you subject Orochimaru to a genjutsu and then not killing him in the two seconds he needs to recover and make you eat your own eyes or using a compressed air technique without reinforcing your lungs first?). Some civilians, all related to some Minato's fangirl who didn't appreciated the 'foreign whore who seduced him' (as they called Kushina), were not so smart.
"HE'S A BASTARD!"
"HE CAN'T BE HIS HEIR!"
"THE FOREIGN WHORE WAS ONLY HIS MISTR-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! BLUARGH!!!"
"Seriously, wasn't the Sakki(3) a bit too much?" Sarutobi asked.
"No." Orochimaru replied. "Returning to the argument, as Namikaze Clan Head I am the one who celebrated Kushina and Minato's marriage, witnessed by Jiraya, some other members of the Namikaze clan, Tsunade, Uchiha Fugaku, Hyuuga Hiashi, Hyuuga Hizashi, Hatake Kakashi and the late Uchiha Obito. I'm also Naruto godson exactly because I'm the best to deal with everybody who wants to fuck with him. Look!"
Orochimaru produced two letters. The first was from the Fourth Raikage(4):
Namikaze Orochimaru-sama, please extends to Namikaze Minato my felicitations for his soon-to-be-born son. I assure that I will NEVER try and harm him. Manda Hebi no Kami(5) is pretty persuasive.
The secon was from the Iwa Council:
You, [ INSERT INSULTS ], you killed the Tsuchikage! He had an heartache when he discovered of the child and that you protect him! Why did you wrote that you're the godfather?!?!?!
"As you saw, nobody from Kumogakure or Iwagakure no Sato will dare to harm Naruto." Orochimaru said. "Will you be stupider than Iwa nins?"
"Your forgeries will not fool me!" Kazuyama declared.
"You're the second on my shitlist, just after Uchiha-san, but you don't enjoy the same respect. Don't push your luck."
"Fuck you!!! I will do anything in my power to stop that child from steal the Namikaze's name!"
"I'll apply the Godparent Act." Orochimaru said, before disappearing in a puff of smoke revealing that Orochimaru sent a Kage Bunshin at the reunion.
"KAZUYAMA, YOU IDIOT!!!" was Uchiha's comment, just before being killed by old age and a benevolent heartstroke.
"Wait, why?"
"What's the Godparent Act? I'll explain it immediatly." Aburame Shibi said. "The Godparent Act authorize a godparent to act in manners otherwise illegal to protect their godchildren from clear and present dangers. Like you."
"And this includes Orochimaru locking us here." Hyuuga Higumo, Hyuuga Clan Head and Hyuuga Hiashi father, better known as The Hyuuga Elder, said. "I scanned around with the Byakugan, he sealed the doors with a series of Namikaze Boom Lock Seals. You break one of them, we are dead from the explosions. Now, we have to wait here while Orochimaru acts. May the gods help us."
Orochimaru appeared on the wall of the Uchiha Compound with Naruto, and activated a jutsu to make his voice resonate in all Konoha. He was famous and loved, and it would be needed him something like eating non-Iwa babies in public or being caught at experimenting on non-Iwa babies to be hated (seriously, what's with Konoha and Iwa?!?!?!), so he was about unleashing his fame on Kazaraw- no, Kazuyama.
"GREETINGS, PEOPLE OF KONOHAGAKURE." he said. "I JUST DISCOVERED THERE'RE AROUND FALSE RUMORS ABOUT THE KYUBI NO KITSUNE, AND I WISH TO CORRECT THEM. FIRST, THE FOURTH HOKAGE SEALED THE DEMON IN A NEWBORN CHILD. IT'S CALLED A JINCHUURIKI, AND THE CHILD IS A JAILER. NOT THE FOX, DAMMIT!!! WHY THE HELL KAZUYAMA SAID SUCH IDIOCY?!?!?! DID HE WANTED TO KILL THE BABY?!?!?! SECOND, NAMIKAZE MINATO COULD NOT BRING HIMSELF TO USE SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD, SO HE USED HIS OWN NEWBORN SON, NAMIKAZE NARUTO. WAIT, IF KAZUYAMA WANTED TO... THAT'S DISGUSTING.
"Troublesome..." Nara Shikaku commented. "Kazuyama, I suggest you find a manner to suicide or be imprisoned before the mob reach and lynch you."
Kazuyama began to spill out various crimes and examples of being corrupt.
"I EVEN KNOW THAT AN UCHIHA SOMEHOW CONTROLLED THE FOX." Orochimaru continued. "I BELIEVE THE CULPRIT BEING A ROGUE, BUT MAYBE THE UCHIHA CLAN HEAD IS INVOLVED, SOME OF HIS WORDS MAKE ME SUSPECT THIS, AND THE ONLY UCHIHAS I CAN VOUCH FOR ARE FUGAKU AND HIS FAMILY."
"I saw this coming." Fugaku commented.
He and his family were in a restaurant eating with some friends of them, the most improbable friends for some Uchihas.
"Well, after all your great uncle and most of your clan is on Orochimaru shitlist and Orochimaru is high enough on his to make him have some slip of tongue." Hyuuga Hiashi replied.
"By the way, do you remember what I proposed you last week?"
"Yes, but Hana does not appreciate, and menaced me of cutting the entertaiment part. We can't do."
"Really your wife did the same I did with Fugaku?" Uchiha Mikoto, Fugaku's wife, asked, while Hana, Hiashi's wife, smiled.
"No arranged marriages." Hana replied.
"I'M SORRY, BUT AS NARUTO'S GODFATHER I HAVE TO ACT." Orochimaru declared, being immediatly targeted by Uchiha's Fire Jutsus. "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! I DID NOTHING TO THEM, AND THE UCHIHAS ARE ATTACKING ME!!! I WAS RIGHT, FOR THE TIME BEING NARUTO, I AND THE CHILDREN I'M TAKING CARE OF WILL LEAVE THE VILLAGE FOR A SECURE PLACE! AND YOU, UCHIHA, WILL SEE MY WRATH!!! BEFORE THAT, I ASKS MY CLAN MEMBER YASHAGORO TO TAKE OVER MY PLACE IN THE COUNCIL BEFORE I'LL RETURN. AND NOW, UCHIHA CLAN... MANDA-SAMA, I OFFER YOU IN SACRIFICE ONE HUDRED UCHIHA SHINOBI!!! YOU KNOW WHO!!!"
"He waited an excuse for years..." the Kurama Clan representative commented.
"Oh, shit... Oh, shit..." Inoichi said. "Oh, shit... Oh, shit... Oh, shit... Oh, shit... Oh, shit..."
"This time he overdone." Akimichi Chouza commented.
"Oh, shit... Oh, shit... Oh, shit..."
"Inoichi, why are you saying 'Oh, shit...'?" Shikaku asked.
"Orochimaru unleashed Yashagoro on us!!! HE'S GETTING REVENGE FOR WHEN THE COUNCIL BACKED SASUKE AND KAZUYAMA!!! Oh, shit..."
Hours later, the Mitarashi twins and some ANBU were searching Orochimaru's house to see what he took with him.
"Well, apparently he didn't took the most sensitive things." an ANBU said. "Even if he sealed them in the Namikaze Clan Shrine."
"Good, at least he didn't did stupid things." Mitarashi Anko commented. "I feared he overdid..."
"Unleashing Manda on the Uchihas was not overdoing?!?!?!" the ANBUs shouted.
"Not for him."
"Well, at least he took with him that monster... an ANBU said.
"Wait, what monster?"
"Well, Jugo!"
"OROCHIMARU!!! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS, I SWEAR!!!"
While Anko stormed out in fury, the ANBU asked her twin Goma(6) for explanation.
"Jugo is Anko's boyfriend, and the only man other than me, Orochimaru-sensei and our teammate who doesn't escape if he's alone with her." Goma explained. "Now Anko will be forced in sex starvation until Orochimaru returns. I suggest you stay away from her, she'll be... Angry."
You know, seeing ANBUs crying is sad...
"Good, the seals wore off." Hyuuga Higumo said.
The doors exploded, and a MALE ninja in a green catsuit with a jonin vest, immense eyebrows and an horrible bowl haircut entered.
"GREETINGS!!! I'M NAMIKAZE YASHAGORO, BETTER KNOWN AN MAITO GAI(7), AND WILL ACT AS NAMIKAZE REPRESENTATIVE FOR THE TIME BEING!!!" he said. "WORRY NOT, I'LL HELP YOU IN KEEPING STRONG THE FIRE OF YOUTH OF KONOHA!!!"
The terror cries of the Council were heard at miles away.
Two days later, Hatake Kakashi, on guard duty at the gates, checked for henge an entering and bearded man arrived with his son and his four grandchildren.
"Is this standard?" the man asked.
"Well, no." Kakashi replied. "But, you know, Orochimaru of the Sannin left the village two days ago to protect his godson, and your group has the same characteristics of Orochimaru's one."
"If we were them, it would be idiot returning!" the man's son shouted. "My father has even Orochimaru's name!!!"
"And you're called Jugo, and your children are Tayuya, Jirobo, Karin and Naruto, exactly as in Orochimaru's group: nobody would suspect a genious like him doing something so stupid, that's a good reason for him to do. Well, you may enter."
After being outside Kakashi's hearing range, the bearded Orochimaru said: "See? Kakashi is smart enough to imagine something like this. That's why we're using fake beards and makeup. Now, let's go, we'll establish ourselves in the Uchiha Clan Compound as sellers of products for eyecar- Oh, dammit."
Orochimaru knocked out Jugo after smelling blood. Then he saw a couple of civilians gored in blood.
"What's happened?" he asked.
"Well, Councilman Kazuyama tried to kill the son of the Fourth Hokage, and to escape the lynch he confessed enough crimes to be sentenced to death." one of the two said.
"And the new Executor, Mitarashi Goma, decided that the best way to execute him was a lynch." the other added, before bursting out laughing.
Footnotes
(1)Yes, in this fanfic Iruka's dad laughed himself to death when Orochimaru ridiculed the Nine Tailed Demon who had just killed his wife.
(2)Also known as Great Breakthrough, it's the first jutsu Orochimaru used in both manga and anime. It consists in inhale air and then expelling a powerful wave of compressed air. At the times of the Chunin Exams Arc, Orochimaru used it to level dozens of trees in the Forest of Death and blow away Naruto.
(3)Literally, Killing Intent. It consists in giving off in pure killing intent, to the point of affecting the adversary resolution. Orochimaru's one is so strong to provoke visions of gruesome death (ask to Sasuke and Sakura for references), gaining the fan name of Shikumi no Jutsu (Death Foreseeing Technique).
(4)He's a random unseen character, not Kirabi's brother.
(5)People normally referred like this to DAIMYOHS.
(6)My OC, he'll appear rarely. He's basically a male and slightly less flamboyant and more ferocious version of Anko.
(7)Maito Gai is Japanese pronunciation of Might Guy. Seriously, what idiot would name in that manner his own son?