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THIS SUCKS
Chapter Two
A random dwarf poked his head into the room. "Are you all right, milady?" he asked. "I heard you screaming."
"No!" Ash yelled. "I'm not all right! I'm a Mary Sue, and my hair is pink, my... hair is pink..."
"I think it looks beautiful," Draco said in blissed-out worshipful awe.
"Get him out," Ash said, burying her head in her hands.
"As you wish," said the random dwarf, who proceeded to pick Draco up and cart him out of the room, the boy's gaze stuck wonderingly on Ash until he could see her no longer.
"Okay," Ash muttered into her hands. "Don't panic. Don't panic. This can be fixed. Yeah."
She raised her face to the ceiling. "DEM!" she hollered. "WHERE ARE YOU?"
The random dwarf poked his head into the room. "Are you all right, milady?" he asked. "I heard you swearing."
"AND IT SOUNDED BEAUTIFUL!" came Draco's lovestruck voice from somewhere on the floor where the random dwarf had dropped him.
Ash tried to ignore him as Draco broke out into a random love song involving unicorns and happy flowers. "Okay," she said to the random dwarf. "Uh, have you seen this old man, about this tall-"
"AND THE BIRDS WERE ALL SINGING SO HAPPILY-"
"-he calls himself Dem, and goes around in this cloak thing-"
"AND THE CLOUDS WERE ALL FLOATING SO MERRILY-"
"-and it's really very important that I find him."
"AND THE UNICORNS WERE PRETTY, BUT NOT AS PRETTY AS YOUUUUU-"
"I'm sorry, milady," the random dwarf said. "I have not met anyone who meets your description."
"-UUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
"All right then. Guess I'll have to find him myself."
"-UUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
"Your coach will be leaving for Hogwarts in half an hour. I'd advise you to start getting ready."
"Okay, sure, just leave me alone for a while, okay?"
"-UUUUUUUUUKKKK-K-GAK-gak-hhhhhh. urgh."
The random dwarf left, and Ash shut the door. Now to try and rectify the situation a little; analyse the damage, see what could be done...
She stood in front of the mirror. The impossibly beautiful not-her Mary Sue stared back and kind of creeped her out and made her feel slightly gay, which creeped her out even more and made her hair turn pinker.
"Paint," she said to try and break the tension. "A whole bucket of paint. Dunk my head in it. Then it'll stay one colour. Yeah."
The not-her voice was also creeping her out, so Ash stopped talking to herself and went to rummage in the luggage bag sitting by her bed in search of more respectable clothing that didn't have - as she had just discovered to her horror - 'HOT WITCH' flashing on the front in bright sparkly sequins.
Most of the other clothing were of similar taste, and she settled for pulling on a red T-shirt inside out to hide its wording (I'm too sexy for this shit.)
She happily discovered a pair of scissors. "Mood-hair, off you go," she muttered, and then wondered why she was still talking to herself. Sso she stopped talking to herself and started randomly cutting out chunks of coloured hair that turned blue and sad as they fell off her head.
She smiled at the result - possibly the worst haircut in the world, cheerily asymmetrical with her scalp visible in places - and how it made her look that little bit more normal and a little bit like a psychotic cancer patient. "Right, that's done," she said, chucking the scissors onto the bed and looking into the luggage for anything more that might help-
Long wavy locks landed on her shoulders. Ash froze.
Slowly, she stood up and looked into the mirror.
The mood hair was back. All of it. At its original length.
Ash stared numbly at her reflection. Her face fell.
"...This sucks," she said.
xx
The people at Hogsmeade stopped in their tracks and gaped at her as the carriage rode down the streets.
Ash drew the curtains shut after a smitten teenage boy got trampled by the horses.
Ash freaked out as a smitten teenage girl Apparated into the carriage.
"Hi," the newcomer said, her voice slightly shaky. "I would go gay for you," she whispered.
"Get out of here," Ash muttered.
"Whatever you say, my love."
Ash jumped as a smitten teenage boy took the first girl's place.
"Hi," he said, his voice slightly shaky. "I would go straight for you," he whispered.
"WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE COME FROM?" Ash yelled.
At long last, they pulled through the Hogwarts school gates. Eyes and whispers followed her as she got out of the carriage.
Eyes and whispers followed her as she entered the castle.
Eyes and whispers followed her as she tried to locate the toilet, because she really needed to go, and all the crowds were making it kind of hard.
A horde of lovestruck Hogwarts students met her as she finished doing what she had to and exited her toilet cubicle.
Eyes and whispers followed her as she washed her hands and tried to ignore them.
The Hogwarts Sorting Hat sat on a table and smiled at her as the students gathered. Soon, it cleared its throat and broke into song:
"oh u may not think im pretty
but dont judge on wad u c
ill omnomnom if u can find
a smrter hat than me
u can keep ur magic helms
ur top hats sleek and tall
'cuz im the Hogwarts Sortin' Hat
and i can pwn them all.
u might blong in Slyteryn
if u like bein' bad
or might blong in Hufelpuf
if ur life is jus sad
Ravenclawr if u r smart, 'cuz Ravenclawrs r smart
Grifindore if u r brave n strong n pure of 3
so try me on n let me see
into ur soggy brain
and if u like, for a small fee
ill sing this song again. ^_^"
The hall broke into applause. Several of the students, in a bid to emulate her, had worn their uniforms inside out.
Ash wanted a uniform.
Dumbledore beamed down at everyone. "What a nice song that was, don't u think?" he asked, with a gentle chuckle. "All right, I know you are all desperate to be Sorted, but first I would like to announce an important new student we have with us this year. You have probably noticed her by now - she is easily the most beautiful person in this room. And of course, that colour-changing hair hasn't gone unnoticed, not by me, at any rate."
Ash wished the floor would swallow her up. Perhaps if she begged, and kissed it...
"Please join me in welcoming Princess Ashleigh Lily Lee Moonshine Aurora Jennifer Elizabeth Aubergine Yvonne Anastasia Morel Riddle!" Dumbledore finished with a flourish and a wide smile, as the Hogwarts students broke out into frenzied applause and cheers. "Come on up here, darling, where everyone can see you," he said. "You shall be Sorted first. I am sure that no matter what House you end up in, you will be a great blessing to it."
Ash got down onto the floor and kissed it. "Open up and swallow me, please?" she begged in an undertone.
"What humility!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "But you really do not need to do that, Princess. Hogwarts is honoured by your presence. Come on up."
The floor was refusing to cooperate. Ash reluctantly left it and went up to Dumbledore and the Hat, trying not to look at anyone because it had a tendency to make them faint.
":)," said the Hat as she looked at it.
"omgyay! :D," said the Hat as she tentatively put it on.
"ilu 3," said the Hat as she waited.
"wow," said the Hat. "u're so smart and brave n strong n pure of 3, and u like bein' bad sometimes too, and ur life is so sad 'cuz ur parents all died when u were a kid. :'("
"..." said Ash.
"I dont kno where to put u," the Hat said sadly. "u're too perfect."
The school population nodded in sync.
"........." said Ash.
"! I kno! :D" said the Hat suddenly. "ill make a new House, jus for u!!!!"
"Oh no," thought Ash.
"okok how 'bout, uh, SparklyShinyPrincessHouse? :D" asked the Hat.
"I really don't-"
"Is 'k," said the Hat. "u're too modest. I hav decided tt its ur new house! SparklyShinyPrincessHouse! :D"
The students broke out into jubilant cheers.
Ash decided that this was the worst day of her life.
xx
to be continued.