The face in the mirror is surprising to me now. I used to think, as long as I was beautiful, nothing else would matter. Just as long as I was always the most beautiful one, nothing could go wrong, because who wouldn't envy beauty, lay themselves at the feet of it? Do anything it asks? It has taken death, of a sort, for me to realize what beauty really stands for, or at least what it can cost. Yes, it led to envy, but I'd always thought of envy as a good thing, at least if people were envious of me. In the end, all envy had led me to was a man who didn't love me, who just wanted everyone to see that on his arm was the prettiest girl. Envy had led to despicable acts by said man and friends, envious of what he had. If I was plain, like Vera, people would have looked inside. People like Royce and John and their friends would never have noticed me. A man with some depth of character may have seen me, made an effort to see what was underneath, would have been so happy to have me no matter how I looked because I would run his home, bear his children, grow old with him. I cringe even now at what that home would have been like, but surely it would be better than this. It has been 6 long months, and I am still coming to terms with what I have lost. It took me three to realize my normal womanly functions had ceased. Another month before I broached the subject with Carlisle. I will never have children. The only truly good thing I have ever wished for...and now...well, we all pay the price for our sins, in the end. So I blame that face in the mirror. The one that looks so good. I scratch my nails down my face, determined to ruin that perfection. Nothing. I've tried so many times, so many different ways, to destroy it. I've only shied from burning it, because even with all this pain I am still selfish. I want to live. Oh, I know what I am, a monster, but I still want to exist. I can even manage resentfulness. I can't stand that Edward doesn't find me attractive. I'm sure Carlisle would, if he didn't adore Esme. Every other male who has glimpsed me ...I've left them all begging in my wake. So I hate this perfect face, but at the same time, I know it is my strongest weapon. The only thing I have left.