Chapter 3: A Storm is Coming
Author notes for Chapter 3: Time has passed, and Edward has started a new journal. The Cullens are still living in Forks. I am sure there were many more entries and journals in-between Chapter 2 and 3, but this is my day and night dreams and I cannot make them flow they just do.
June 10, 2004
Weirdness is afoot. Alice sees something coming I can tell by the way she constantly tries to think of something else every time she is around me. I would ask her but what would be the use. If I have learned anything over the last few years, it is that when Alice wants you to know something she will tell you and when she doesn't you can forget. But, still I cannot help but feel a little uneasy about the secrecy. The only other few times she has hidden things from me was to keep me from fleeing off somewhere to escape my future she sees coming. She thinks she knows what is best for me, but sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't like to see me torture every now and then. Either way, Alice is not the only one with secrets lately. I too have a secret feeling of something approaching. I cannot say what it is but it feels like a storm is approaching. I have the feeling in my mind like an athlete's old injure on days that an impending storm is approaching. I guess I will just have to wait and see what comes.
July 25, 2004
Yeah. Another year of high school comes up soon, way too soon in my opinion. I start another year in a couple of weeks. I know it is necessary but coming up with ways to entertain myself comes few and far between. When you know all the answers from years of experience or else you can see the answers in the heads of your professors what is the use of even going; save to keep your family of vampires from being discovered. We keep to ourselves and pretty much stay together. Most people are afraid of us: whether it is because we are so beautiful, or because we are so intimidating. Their thoughts are of intrigue but fear all in one. It amuses me some to listen to them fear me all while wanting me at the same time, even though I would never give them the time of day they are all way to shallow and simple for my taste. OR, maybe I just don't want to let them awake the sleeping monster within me. Either way there is no appeal there.
July 26, 2004
Something is wrong. I do not know why but I know something is coming and it will bad. I just feel like an impending doom is approaching. What is wrong with me? Alice sees the future, not me. I read minds and nothing in the ones I see lately give me any reason to feel this way. I really am insane.
August 14, 2004
First day of school, not much different from the many other thoughts around with the exception of the thought on every mind today- they are such drama gossip queens- a new student will be starting Forks High soon. I guess no one new has been admitted to Forks High since we came to town many, many months ago. The new student is the Sheriff's daughter; her new is Isabella Swan. Hum… pretty name, but I still don't see the big deal, just another pixie for the fairy garden of adolescent drool school. Someone to make a big deal about until the next new thing comes along. I am sure she will eat up the attention for at least the few days. Good now that gets the attention off of us. No more lustful fantasies about the Cullens or angry jealous thoughts about how they wished we would go back where we came from in Alaska, back to our Ivy League Prep School. Anyway at least she will make for entertainment for a few days, while I try to keep busy for the day. GOD, I wish I could sleep- school would definitely be the place for that sleeping. Wow, here I am damned to an eternity without God and yet I still pray to him. I am a lost cause. However, if I do still get to redeem my soul then having to endure all of this monotony should account for something.
August 24, 2004
Shit, I have to get out of here. Where do I go? How fast can I get there? I have to go, and I have to go now. I must get away from here. Why? Why now? Why is she here now? Everything was so content so almost normal. Then, she has to come into my world. It's her. I know it's her, the Muse. I can feel it just like the experience happened yesterday. Except now all I wanted to do was destroy her. Why of all people was it her thoughts that I could not read? That matters not, I have to go now. I must get away from here before I put my family in danger. Alaska. Yes, Alaska is far enough away. Now, I have to go tell Carlisle and Esme buy, even though I can read that Alice has already informed them that I must take my leave. She always knows how to make things so much easier for me. I sure will miss them, especially her.
August 25, 2004
Here in Alaska things are not much easier. I still do not know what to do. Thinking back on yesterday is a horror. What had happened to me? I mean really? Here I sit hundreds of miles away from my family because some new human had appealed to me. No, not appealed to me; she intoxicated me. She made every muscle and nerve in my body ache to have her. How dare she come into my boring almost human world; and make me want her so bad! Oh God though how she appealed to me!!! I never wanted to consume a prey so much in my life. She was addictive and I longed for a fix. I was worse than the soldiers who begged for morphine to end their pain during the Civil War. Just to think there at lunch yesterday I had wanted to know her thoughts. I actually wanted for a moment to protect her from the thoughts of those around her. I myself thought there was some reason she needed protection from things other than me. Then, she came and her scent. AHHH. Her scent, it called to me. I was no longer Edward Cullen. I was a monster in the wakes of a sure incoming catastrophe. I had come so close. So close to ruining everything my family had worked for over a hundred years to protect. But, her scent; I can't think straight. I want her. I want to devour every last drop of her. Then, she could torment me no more. And, how could this be. How could my muse be here or there now in the flesh? How could she show up and actually exist and how could she be so uncontrollably desirable? I have to think about something else. I have to get myself together. She is human after all; a petty superficial human, just like all the rest. There was nothing special about her, so why then can I not get her out of my head. I am so sicken by the plan I had managed to come up with so fast in my head. How had I been so easily conformed back into the monster that I fought so long to destroy? How could I instantly from one magnificent scent become that hideous beast ready to pounce on the whole school no matter what the consequence? I am so disgusting. I actually could have and would have destroyed a whole classroom of innocent people just to taste her. Why, why, why me?
August 28, 2004
It has been a couple of days. I still loathe everything about that human. She should not exist. She never should have been created. She should never have come to Forks. She had ruined my little sense of peace. She had attacked to saneness within me. I hated her. But, I would not let her win. She would not be the ruin of me. I was stronger than that; I could control myself and I would not let any human no matter how tantalizing they were make me a monster. I did not want to be a monster. I did not want to kill harmless humans. I would not let her, whoever she is, come and take away everything I had worked for (my family had worked to protect). I would not let her; there was no way she would control me. However, no matter how bad I wanted to not let her win. She was in fact winning. Listen to me, I sound like she actually meant to torment me this way. But, how do I know she didn't. Maybe she was supernatural as well. Maybe she existed to torment me. Yes, that's it. That's why I couldn't hear her thoughts. She was my tormentor, not my muse after all- she was instead my anti-muse. All those years ago, the visions were to torture me in a pleasurable way. They were a warning and the impending danger ahead. AND, to think I actually longed for her, moved for her. I was an idiot. She was meant to be the death of me, but I would not let that happen. No, NO, NNNOOOO. That can't be; she was so fragile, so unaware. She was shy, stand-offish, and out of the loop. There is no way that this pitiful human knew what she was doing to me. I am blaming her for something that is not her fault. But, my undue blame is uncontrollable. I still hated her for making me want her so bad. She was the kiss of death; and I had to cheat dead somehow. But, how do I do this?
August 29, 2004
Tonight should have been humorous but I could not think of anything funny right now. Tanya was right. AWE, Ah, Tanya. She is an indescribable beauty. I must be a fool. Just to remember the thought she was thinking about me makes me want to blush. They way we were united as one, mingled together with an intensity that would blow with a force stronger than Pompeii's eruption. She was on top of me gliding her wet well toned body over my manhood like I was her heaven and she was home. She looked so lovely, but yet I could not see myself there with her. I know it was me she was fantasizing about, but I did not even with the mental picture feel that I belonged in the image. Even though, I knew it pained her for me to feel that way; I had to tell her the truth. It would have been so much easier to just give myself to her with thought to her feelings. Maybe then I would not be thinking of her every second of the day and night. I would have at least had a few hours, nights, maybe days of distraction before I had to hurt her again. But, Tanya deserved better than that; even with all the bad she had done in the past. She deserved happiness, not lies. I hated that she tortured herself because of my rejection. Anyway, she had been right. She usually was, but this time she was right about me. I was leaving. I am "a confusion" to myself. Here I am with a beautiful woman no man should be able to resist- that wants me and only me, and all I can do is think of her face. True there had never been a woman that I had wanted; I mean I bet there had never existed a 100 plus year old virgin anywhere in the world. But, here I was a moral contradiction, a soulless being that was concerned about sinning by taking lust on- head on. But, still Tanya was not the one that consumed my thoughts and no matter how much I wish I had taken the situation into a different direction if only to distract my thoughts; I could not use Tanya that way, for I felt nothing for her but friendship. BUT, she did make me uncomfortable. She was right. AND, I did need to go. Alaska, as grand as it is, was not helping, and Tanya was right. I appreciated her for reminding me. I was not a coward. I did handle things head on. I was brave and did face my problems. I would not let this anti-muse keep me from where I wanted to be anymore. I was going home. And, I better hurry. Alice would be getting everyone ready for my return. I did miss that smile. I can't wait to see them all. So, I am off. Plus, there was the hunting I had to do to get myself even close to ready to face my anti-muse.