Chapter 4: The Tides Have Turned
August 30, 2004
This morning was awful. Poor Jasper, had he felt this way when we hovered over him in protection. They were so annoying. I know they were only looking out for me, but had I looked/been that weak before I left? Surely they had to have some confidence left in me. After all, I am older than all of them. I have controlled myself much longer than they have in the past. That should account for something after all. Anyway, I proved them all wrong. I could handle it; just like I thought. I could face my torment head on, and I could conquer it. I was in charge after all. However, why couldn't I hear her thoughts? She was perplexing. Why did I want to protect her, why hadn't she said anything to anyone about last week, and why did I think of nothing else but her? It was so irritating. I don't like it. I can't stand it. I am so angry at myself. I promised I would not let the fact that I could not hear her thoughts make me want to know everything I could about her. Yet, here I am basically stalking her every move. I scan every thought for her name. I search every mind to see what she might say. Or was there more to it than that, was there something to this girl, this human that made her different from the rest (besides my inability to hear her thoughts) Nope just my curiosity, did not curiosity kill the cat? Well, too late I have to know more. I am not sure why that is, except for the fact that her mind makes no sound, but her eyes speak in volumes. How could that be? How could she say so much with her eyes- her wide open eyes- but never say a thing with her mind? No, she had to be thinking; I was just shielded from those thoughts, and I couldn't stand it. Did she see me in the same lustful way that all the other human girls did, that would be expected, or was there more to this girl? There had to be more, after all, she had kept her mouth shut about last week, and I had obviously scared her to death. She wouldn't have asked Jessica if I looked mad had she not been scared! Why did I have to know? It was so careless of me. I should not push my limits so far, but I am so curious. I have to know more about this wonder, this mystery named Bella. But, would my curiosity be enough to keep her alive? I sure hope so. Either way I had to be careful, I had already made several mistakes today. Not being able to read her mind was a problem. She was much more observant than I had anticipated; making my unnecessary curiosity very dangerous to us all, even (especially) her. First, I had to be care that the things I said did not come from conversations that she had with someone else; things I would only know if I had been there. She was keen on noticing that I knew she liked to be called Bella, but that was an easy fix to get out of- next time might not be so easy. And, also, she was not only a very unusual human in the sense that I couldn't read her thoughts, but she was also- in a sick sort of cat playing with his mouse before it eats kind of way- funny; had she actually thought today that she was smarted than me. Like, I, Edward Cullen, straight A in everything, smarted than the teachers, older too, would ever get something wrong, especially in Biology. But, I had thought the same of her I guess. I am being unfair. I am letting my thirst cloud my sane judgment; she was so fragile, so unaware of the danger she was in all the time, from the people surrounding her, especially from me. How could she not be afraid to be near me? She really was a very intriguing human after all. Stop it Edward- get it out of your mind. You are a danger to her, to your family, and to yourself. Get your head together; use that 70 years of self-control to your advantage- stay away from her. I mean she had already (a first I might add) noticed my eyes changed color. After these whole two years, how could this girl be the one to notice that; I have sat near plenty of people in this school some in several different classes, but it only took this human two days to notice that my eyes were a different color. And, my idiotic self told her I didn't wear contacts. Why hadn't I been thinking? If I had just said yes, there would nothing to worry about. But- nooooo- I had to answer quickly and say no. Why did I feel like I had to speak the truth to this girl? Why did I not want to lie to her like I did every other human that asked me anything? She was no different. Except that I could not stop thinking about her, could not stop seeing her face in every direction that I look (even when she was not there), and could not stop making her more and more beautiful every time I think of her. Oh my God, what am I saying? But, still it made me unhappy to know she was unhappy here. It made me even more remorseful when I learned through our conversation that she was more unlike the other humans than I had thought. She was selfless; she cared more about other people's feelings than her own. How could I even think about harming something so pure? I have to stay away from her; I do not know if the human part of me could with stand the torment if I hurt this girl. And the fact that she actually thought that she was easy to read made me want to laugh out loud. Easy to read- not. She had to be the only human in the whole world that I could not read like an open book. But, she was right. She was much older than her years; much like myself she aged without aging. This is another aspect that draws me in; I must really stop talking to her and stay away before I get in over my head. What am I saying? I am already in way over my head. Part of me wishes she would just go back to where ever she came from, and the other part of me thinks it would follow her if she did? What was wrong with me? I am such a fool. To think that I had let myself get so involved with this girl; so intrigued with Bella Swan that Alice had actually ditched class because she saw me trying to kill her. No- I could not, would not let my interest grow. I could not want Bella Swan. Anyway, another subject, but it wasn't really. Carlisle was right. I need to leave; it was only two years. I should leave her to her future. But, why did that pain me so. One more time is all I need. Just to give into my curiosity one more time. I can even set up my disappearance for the rest of the family. I think the excuse of going to an Ivy League bordering school so I can get a better education would be enough of a reason to dismiss any questions. But, even now I see myself making excuses as to why I should stay. This is really going to be hard; and I hate that I cannot not see why that is the case.
August 31, 2004
Today started out rather grim; and only got worse for Bella Swan that is; me I am now completely and totally a lost cause. I could not leave, should not stay, but am not going anywhere. I could not go now even if I wanted to go. Alice and her stupid visions would be the death of me. First, this morning she confuses the hell out of me- showing me the meadow with shadow people. Really a strange site I must add. Then, she makes me feel guilty for wanting- no needing- to leave. Then, I was even madder at myself for hating to be the only one alone in my family without a perfect partner. Next, I realize that I am no longer the center of my world; instead now my world revolved around Bella. Then, the worse thing of all and at the same time the only thing that I was actually proud of doing since the girl arrived happened; I saved her life. Why did I do that? My troubles would be over if she were gone. I would have no more pain. That's a lie; I would have been pained for eternity if I had not saved her. I, somehow, was now her protector; how sick. The biggest threat to this girl was me, and here I am thinking that I was going to be her protector. I really am an oxymoron. But, there was no way I would have let Bella get crushed by that van, no way I would allow her to be taken out of this world. She belonged here, more so than any other human in existence. She was pure and honest and kind and beautiful. Shut up Edward, you don't know what you are saying. To think that I actually had no concern for myself or my family during the rescue attempt was a quiz to me. Why was she so much more important than my own existence; it made no sense. But, still the way her skin felt as I held her there; my arms wrapped around her waist. It still makes me feel a swell with heat and intensity that should never cross my mind about another human. No, this could not happen. I would not want to have this girl; this ordinary human (who wasn't so ordinary after all). But, no matter what I felt, I now had to worry. She had seen too much. Why did she have to be the human that sees everything; when in her I could see nothing? I know she says she will not say anything; and somehow I know she won't. But, Jasper could always change his mind. No he would not do that. Alice's vision of it being me that would destroy her (one way or another) would be enough to contain him. Rosalie would not press her will against Carlisle either. But, still now I am stuck with the assurance that it will be me that destroys the girl. No, that will not be. I will change Alice's vision. I will not kill this girl and devour every last drop of her oh so delicious blood; nor would I destroy her life by turning her into one of us. She would not lose her life because of me. I would leave, run far from here where I could not cause either of these things to happen. I only had to be strong long enough for everyone to lose their suspicions. I only had to turn off my emotions long enough for her to think I didn't care at all. That would be easy enough considering I have practiced it for over 70 years. But, no I could not do that either. Alice was right. I did not have the will power to leave now. I could not even see me leaving. But, the pain was too intense to imagine taking her life in either way that Alice had envisioned it. Oh God, I ask in all that is holy, please do not let me harm this girl. I know I have no right to ask this favor. You owe my nothing; the monster that I am, I have accepted my fate of an eternity damned to hell. But, this girl, Bella, she is pure and holds in her all things good and righteous; she does not deserve this life of eternal night or to be murderer. Help her, if not me, to stay safe. Protect her soul from the monster within me. I am going to need all the help I can get on this one. Damn me to hell.