Summary: Altair can't forget what he was forced to do to his master and he can't cope with it, who will come to save him. Rated M for Angst, self harming, attempted suicide. Eventually Altair/Malik
Disclaimer: I only own a copy of Assassin's creed not the rights to it. I make no money from this story so I can't lend any to anyone.
To the bitter end
Bold: Peoples thought
A/N: This chapter is mostly dialogue from Altair, I'm sorry if this takes away from the pace of the story but it is slightly necessary to do it like this, normal service will resume next chapter.
Ralim walked into Altairs room. The assassin was staring out of the window into the red sky. The sunset shone dully through his window, accentuating the shadows of his room. It had been three months since Malik had left Masyaf and Altair had given up the fight. He'd stopped shouting and become ominously quiet. Ralim looked at the hunched man on the bed and shook his head.
"Altair it's been three months since Malik left, he left so you could get better, and he'd hate to see you in this state."
Altair didn't answer but carried on looking outside, his eyes dull and devoid of the inner fire they used to possess. Ralim sat down on the bed and put his hand on Altairs shoulder.
"Altair, the sooner you open up to me the sooner Malik will come back, like he said it isn't goodbye forever."
"He shouldn't have gone."
Ralim smiled, he was finally getting a reaction out of the dark haired man. He placed his hand on the mans shoulder and gave it a light squeeze.
"I know that, you know that but Malik did what he thought was best for both of you."
Altairs shoulder shook slightly and Ralim knew he was trying to keep tears in.
"It's my fault he's gone."
Ralim sighed. He knew this was going to come; it just took him a lot longer than he thought it would. He'd been waiting for Altair to break down and say that and he knew how to deal with it.
"No, it's the illnesses fault and the only way we can rectify the problem is by dealing with the illness, so are you ready?"
Altair looked over his shoulder at the man, Ralim blinked as he saw the eyes red from crying and the sadness that filled them. Altair face looked puzzled and questioning.
"Ready for what?"
Ralim grinned and squeezed the shoulder again.
"Your treatment."
---
Altair was sitting at the table in the doctor's house facing Ralim and Doctor Ishtar. He was nervous, exceedingly nervous because he knew that this would be either the making or the breaking of his treatment. He gulped at the predatory look in Ralims eyes; he knew this man wouldn't let him leave the house without them at least making some progress. Ralim placed his hands flat on the table and leant over to look Altair in the eyes.
"Altair, this is it. If you want to get better you're going to have to tell us exactly what has been going on."
Ralim leant back and his eyes grew softer and more reassuring.
"We are not going to judge you, shout at you or think any less of you no matter what you tell us. This is a mental illness and we are willing to take anything into account."
Ralim smiled as if this was meant to give Altair peace of mind but it did nothing to reassure him.
"You say that but some of the things are from before my mental illness, will you still think the same of me when I tell you them?"
Ralim and the Doctor smiled and nodded, they knew some of the 'secrets' that Altair was scared to reveal and they didn't think anything less of the man sitting before them. Altair took a deep breath and smiled nervously, this was going to take a lot out of him but if he was going to tell them it was going to be all in one go.
"When I first came to Masyaf Al Mualim took me in, raised me, taught me and was like the father I never had. I trusted him implicitly with everything. All my secrets, my dreams, aspirations…everything. Including my feelings for my best friend and the fact that I was gay. I was terrified of people finding out about that, especially Malik, if the other assassins found out I was gay I would lose all their respect and the old me couldn't bear to live like that."
Altair felt a bead of moisture run down his cheek, he wiped the tear away impatiently, that was the past and he couldn't change the person he used to be.
"I trusted the master with everything and he accepted me, he tried to mould me into the perfect assassin but my arrogance and pride were always obstacles he couldn't overcome. I felt ashamed for the problems I caused him, he gave me everything a home and a reason for living and all I did was cause him problems"
Altair shook his head ruefully. Ralim was watching the man with a mixture of pity and respect in his eyes. He wouldn't be able to be so critical about himself but Altair was showing them all his shortcomings and ripping them apart one by one. The Doctor couldn't look at the man due to the tears in his own eyes and he knew if Altair saw them it would push him over the edge into crying.
"Then THAT incident happened, I almost killed the man I loved more than life itself simply because I wanted to impress him even though, deep down, I knew it was never going to work. Malik hated everything I had become; he knew me as a child and knew that the man I had become was nothing like the boy he knew."
Altair shook his head sadly.
"Because of me he lost his brother and his arm, because of me his life was shattered. That made me change my ways, more so than my master trying to kill me, more than anything the thought of the man I love hating me totally, utterly and completely was more than enough to make me change my ways but nobody will know that, they will always think it was due to my master."
Altair smiled depressingly, it didn't reach his eyes.
"Then I find out my master has been using me since the start, all the time I've known him he's been using me for his own reasons, his own devious purposes. He knew all my secrets and would hold them over my head. Then I had to kill him, the man who knew me the best."
Altair looked down at his hands and sighed.
"Now he's haunting me, telling me that Malik hated me. He's in my dreams, making me do things to Malik, horrible things. I can't take it anymore, the dreams, and the visions."
Ralim smiled at Altair and grabbed his hand.
"You've started on the road to recovery now."
---
Nine months later and Altair had begun to smile again. Ralim had been counselling him four days out of the week and for the rest the doctor was checking his scars. They'd all healed and Altair had stopped self-harming, Ralim knew that Altair was nearly better because he'd started to nag for Malik again. For a few months Ralim and the Doctor had been really worried, Altair had stopped talking again and had taken to sitting in his room all day, barely eating anything and staring out the window. They'd snapped him out of that by telling him that if he didn't start talking he'd never see Malik again.
Ralim walked into Altairs room with a sly grin on his face. Unbeknownst to Altair Malik was returning today. A few hours and he'd be back in Masyaf. Altair looked at the other assassin and grinned back,
"What's got you in such a good mood? Who's the poor sap on the receiving end and don't say me."
"Nothing Altair, I'm just happy to see you in such a good mood. You're nearly recovered, a few more weeks and I'll be happy to sign you off."
Altairs grin grew into a full fledged smile. He followed Ralim out of his room and down to the doctor's house, today was a counselling. They got to the doctors and opened the door. Ralim blinked at the other man who was in the room with the doctor and pushed Altair back out the door.
"We're a little early, give me a minute and you can go in."
Altair nodded with a smile still on his face.
"Of course."
Ralim went into the house and five minutes later his head stuck out again.
"You can come in now."
Altair walked in and looked around. There was no body else in there which confused him slightly.
"Where's the other guy who was in here?"
Ralim and the doctor looked back at him in confusion.
"Who? There was no one else in here."
Altair shook his head.
"Must be some left over psychosis. Okay what we doing today?"
Ralim smiled and patted him on the back.
"We're discussing Malik today."
Altair blinked in confusion
"Malik? What about him?"
Ralim grinned predatorily.
"Your feelings. All of them."
Altair nodded, not understanding what this was all about but just launched into a speech about his feelings.
---
"I love him more than anything and I regret everything I've done to him. That's it."
Ralim smiled and looked at the doctor. The doctor started coughing and Altair knew this was over the top.
"What are you two up to? You don't think that fake coughs going to fool me."
Ralim smiled again and Altair nearly jumped half a mile out of his skin when a hand was placed firmly on his shoulder.
"It was not meant to Altair,"
Altair looked over his shoulder and smiled joyously at the sight of Malik. There were tears in the other mans eyes.
"I didn't know you cared so much."
Altair stood up gently and wrapped his arms around the older man. Malik smiled down at the dark haired man. He wrapped his one arm back around the younger man and muttered into his hair.
"Now we have a lot of talking to do as I recall."
Please R and R, no flames thank you.