He didn't tell me anything. The smile was about it. What did I expect? He'd already cried in my arms that night at the cemetery. That would probably be it. And that was enough.
I looked over the top of my book that I was reading in bed, the lamp the only light in the room. So many things made me miss Julia. My bedroom at night. My bedroom in the morning. Angela's face, more and more like Julia's everyday.
I thought about Craig, how he looked that night when me and Sean fished him out of the cemetery, the veiled terror in his eyes, the tears shining but not falling. The way he jerked away from me, a coiled spring. "Leave me alone!" he'd exploded, "I'm fine!" I think I had never seen someone who was so not fine in my life.
I wondered if I was taking Craig in solely because of Julia. Of course Julia was a part of it. He was her son, and I loved her, so I loved him. But that was like an extension of my love for Julia. Craig himself I didn't really know. I didn't know where I stood. He was a likable enough kid. Smart and funny and nice in a way some kids were and some weren't. But he was damaged. I could see it in all of his actions and reactions. And I didn't know how damaged. What exactly did Albert do? How bad had it been? I might never know.
I thought over what Snake had said about time and I agreed with him. Time would take care of a lot of it. But I wasn't good at waiting things out. I wanted to do something now to help him, to fix him, to not screw him up any more than he already was.
And I didn't want to gently neglect Angela in my consuming concern for Craig. She was so little, she needed so much love and attention. It couldn't be helped that Craig took a little bit of that away from her. I was doing this backwards. Instead of having a new baby kind of ease into the family I had a full-blown teenager burst in, and what would he take?
I shook my head. I was selfish, I had this selfish need to protect myself and Angie from him, from his woundedness and neediness, from the traumatic past we didn't share. Julia was gone and in a way it wasn't exactly fair that Craig had become my burden.
I licked my lips and shook those thoughts away. Julia would not be happy with me, and those weren't my primary thoughts, just a seedy underbelly to my growing love and concern for him. And hanging over our heads was the fact that Albert was going to take him back. This was temporary. Temporary at best.
I closed the book and reached over to snap off the lamp when my cell phone buzzed to insistent life on the bedside table. I snatched it up, thinking it might be Caitlin. Hoping it was.
"Hello?"
"Joey," I knew this way of saying my name, I knew this inflection. It was Albert. I closed my eyes. I didn't quite feel up for a phone conversation with Dr. Manning.
"Hello, Albert," I said.
"I'd like to see Craig," he said, and I rubbed my temples with my fingers. The dull roar of a headache was fighting its way to the surface of my skull. No, everything inside of me shouted, no. It was too soon.
"Albert, I think it might be too soon for that-"
"He's my son," Quiet and insistent. This refrain again. I thought, 'then you shouldn't have beat the shit out of him, asshole,'
"Yes, but I think it's too soon. You could call him, maybe-"
"You're not letting me see my own son?" Still quiet and in control but now there was an edge of desperateness to his words. The headache pulsed in a steel band from my temples to the top of my head.
"No, Albert, it isn't like that. You can see him, just not now. It's too soon. He's not ready. So you can call him, but that's it. For now," I was holding my breath, hoping he would accept this and not push me. I'd have to involve Children's Aid if he pushed me. And I would.
He sighed, I heard it clear as day over the cell phone.
"Fine," he said, and then I was listening to the dead silence. He'd hung up.