It's Not Oregano

By RenzokukenZ

"No! This can't be happening! Out of all the days, why today!?"

As one can see, it was not going well for Tifa today. Tonight was Pasta Night, where the martial artist made her legendary pasta sauce. The thing was, she was all out of one certain ingredient. And now Tifa was madly ripping through every cabinet in her kitchen, searching desperately for the fabled spice.

Oregano.

"I can't be out of oregano! I just can't! I've been saving it all for today!"

She took a much needed seat near the bar counter and poured herself a drink. After about two or so bottles she came up with a solution.

"I know! I'll just go to the store and buy some more!" She ran upstairs to change into outside attire, grabbed her purse and journeyed to the super market.

…Which just happened to be closed due to a chemical outbreak. At this point, Tifa was out of options and hope. Sure she can go to a neighbor and ask them if they have any oregano, but the last time she did that for a cup of sugar, they thought she was going to have sex with them.

Strange part was her neighbors are all housewives. Desperate ones at that.

Alas, this little recap on memory lane didn't help Tifa's doomed scenario, but just when she thought all was lost, she was greeted by words of hope.

"Hey, babe. Want some 'oregano'?"

There on a secluded corner from the sidewalk she was walking on was a shady-looking man wearing an over coat. Tifa had a bad feeling about this guy, but if it meant Pasta Night would go as planned, so be it.

"You have oregano?"

"Yep. Just imported from Costa de Sol. Top quality."

"Wow! I have to try this! How much?"

The shady man made a look of concern. The barmaid didn't have the look of a druggy. Maybe she was a cop going undercover. But, money is money.

"…50 gil a dime bag."

"50 gil!?" It was pricey, but did she really have a choice? "…Ok. Give me 5 dime bags."

"A pleasure doing business with you, ma'am."

The shady man retreated back to his corner as the happy Tifa skipped back home in possession of some fine 'oregano' and 250 gil short.

xxx

Tifa was preparing the finishing touches of her sauce as Cid, Barret, Vincent and the kids sat down at the dinner table. Cloud was coming too, but he was running late from a last minute delivery.

"Ok, guys! Sauce is almost done!" She shouted towards her guest as the barmaid added cooked kielbasa to the mouth-watering mixture. "All that's missing now is the oregano." She opened a cabinet and pulled out the dime bags of 'oregano', pouring them one by one into the sauce.

Before each person was a steaming plate of pasta noodles drenched in rich, creamy and meaty sauce. They all reached for their forks and took hearty bites, each and every one was satisfied.

Cloud pulled up on the driveway after driving fifty miles to a deserted area. He really hated late night prank calls. And on Pasta Night! Without hesitation, the swordsman opened the door and was welcomed by the sweet aroma of pasta.

And the constant laughter of everyone inside.

Cloud had no idea as to what was happening. Cid and Barret are on the floor, laughing nonstop, their arms clutched to their stomachs to ease the pain.

"Hey, guys. What's so funny?"

"Heheheh…I don't know!" Cid answered, and resumed laughing to the point that tears came falling from his eyes. The blond checked the other members and saw Vincent sitting near the table, Cerberus alarmingly close to his face. The thing was he was just staring at the little dog heads on the barrel and nothing else.

"Uh…Vincent?"

Vincent couldn't hear him, for he was too busy listening to the endless rants of Cerberus.

'Dude did you check the rack on that brunette? They're huge!'

'I'll say! It's a shame our other head is gay, otherwise we can share this moment of the big bosom.'

'What!? Screw you guys, I'm going home!'

Cloud slowly inched away as Vincent began nodding for no apparent reason.

Next were Marlene and Denzel, who were chowing down on all the pasta like there's no tomorrow. At first Cloud thought they were having a contest, but the redness in their eyes said otherwise.

"What in the hell is going? Tifa, why is everyone-"

Cloud stopped as he noticed the barmaid prancing around the house, a wand of sorts in one hand, chanting that she is the Fairy Queen of Unearthly Delights. He simply glued his eyes to her, a small stream of blood running down his nose.

Maybe the fact that she was also completely naked had something to do with that.

--

A/N: The scene where Cerberus is talking to Vincent is Aranae's idea. I guess she's just as crazy as I am.