Stage One: Shock, Denial, Paris and Carlise.

"YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!!" I screamed at him. Truth was, he hadn't. That's what I thought because deep down I knew it was me I just didn't want to accept it.

In my eyes at that specific moment in time everything had been perfect for me until he came into my life. Even when he was there everything seemed perfect. Why did he have to go and ruin it?

I needed to calm down. I had to get out. I needed some space, I couldn't handle this, and my whole world was slowly crumbling away from around me. So I walked out, I was in a mess, tears streaming down my face. That was it, which was the end. I had loved him so much and he had thrown it all back in my face. I know that wasn't the case and I am sure he thought exactly the same about me? In fact I think he probably hated me right now.

I knew thinking like that was wrong. I couldn't blame him for me not being able to get over my baby's death. I knew it was wrong when I came back and he and all his things had gone. He had left me as he could no longer take the strain of my grief; he was able to get over this bump in the road whereas I found it like climbing an ever growing mountain.

By the time I had got back I had decided that I wanted to apologise to Emmett and that I wanted to make a go of things and hope that they would work. But to my amazement, well actually I don't know why I was amazed really, I don't blame him; but he had gone… all of his clothes, shoes, wash things, there was no trace of him, it was like he had never been there.

Weeks later things were still not the same, I was getting good at covering up my true feelings to those around me. Bottling them up, and keeping them locked away in a dark corner of me that no-one new about. There were only two people that could tell that something was wrong no matter how big the smile on my face was. They were Maggie and Tanya. They had been my best friends since secondary school, they were the ones who could tell everything that was wrong; I couldn't hide it from them, they could just tell somehow, they were the only people who I could show I was still grieving for Alice and they was the only ones who didn't sit and only talk to me about how sorry they were that this had happened to me and how I was to try and get my life back together.

I had cut myself off from everyone around me, I never spoke to anyone I hardly ever went out, for once in my life I was a massive indolent slob.

As I had been living on my own I had become in denial, as I still had a little of my baby bump left I kind of imagined myself as being pregnant still, and that Emmett was still at work, and I would even sometimes make a meal that was meant to be just for me but I would get caught up in my imaginary world and make a meal like the ones I would make for my fiancé for when he got home. Sometimes I would stop and think to myself that this was wrong, that I shouldn't be behaving like this. I should be getting on with life; I should try and forget the pain that those two human beings had caused me. Except I couldn't, it made me feel better, it numbed the pain of what was happening to me in the real world. Living in this imaginary world actually helped me a great deal at a time like this. It also made it easier for me to slowly accept how my life as changed suddenly, going from a perfect family fairytale to my worst nightmare in the space of a few months or so.

One of the days when I was cleaning the apartment, Maggie came around; she stopped me working, which I was quite reluctant to do as the place was like a bomb had been detonated and, as I had also been feeling quite ill lately. Maggie sat me down and simply said

"You're in the first stage."

I simply replied with what? And a puzzled look on my face.

"You're going through the seven stages of grief. This is what happens after a person has been through a series of events such as yours."

I had secretly thought that something along those lines has been happening all along I just did want to accept it and you probably had aswell. "Yes. I know there is no need to sit me down and point it out like that is there?"

"No. that's not what I mean. I meant you are going to go through the seven stages of grief. At the moment you are in shock and denial, which is simple really. You don't want to accept the fact that your baby had died and your fiancé has, and I don't mean to be rude, but left you, and this is one of the stages, that explains your behaviour recently"

I didn't answer her, I just sat and thought. I knew I was going through grief but I never thought about the way I was acting, I never thought I was behaving differently to how I normally do.

Later that evening when Maggie had left I sat and thought some more about my 'First Stage' as Maggie called it. After a while of thinking I came to the conclusion that she was right. I also decided that I needed to get out. It was nearly summer time and I needed to go and get my new summer clothes so I thought about a little retail therapy might do the trick and make me snap out of this dodgy mood I seemed to be in. So, I organised for me and a group of close friends to go to Paris for a good time, as I desperately needed to get away, and also hopefully try and fit in some shopping!

It was getting really close to our departure date and we were all getting really excited. Me, Tanya, Maggie, Heidi and Esme had decided that we were going to get the train to France and go from there. When I was packing back at home with the girls I was beginning to think, 'oh my god what am I doing? I should be here crying over my baby and my fiancé.' But then I thought… What's the point? I shouldn't be wasting my time crying over something that happened 3 months ago. I should have been through my seven stages by now at least twice over?!

We had an amazing week. One of the days we decided to hit the really expensive shops which I LOVED. When I look back I realise that I was having so much fun I had forgotten about Emmett and alice and what had happened to me lately. I adored the feeling that came with that, it was like the warm fuzzy feeling that everybody loves. When I sat thinking about this I had decided. I don't want to be the broken hearted girl anymore.

After a good few hours of retail therapy; we decided to go to a café. We hit the road and came to a little café on the side of a country road. As we got out of the car I walked round slowly so I could get a glance inside to see if there were many people, fortunately there wasn't so I began to walk at a normal pace - please bare in mind that this was all in the space of around 5 seconds, I'm that weird to walk in slow motion around café windows.

As I walked through the door I wasn't concentrating on where I was walking because I was looking at my phone, a young, and I must say, a rather good looking man barged into me and spilt coffee all down my new white blouse. At anyone else I would have been furious, but when I looked up at his piercing, bright green eyes, he just had one of those faces I couldn't be angry with. There just seemed to be no fault with him. His skin was flawless and his features in perfect proportion to the rest of his face.

"Oh my! I am so sorry" he said in an utterly beautiful voice. Yet as he looked at me I seemed to have the same effect on him. All time seemed to slow down around us.

"No seriously it's fine… I'm Rosalie by the way." That was all I could think of to get us talking, and I have used it many times to find it actually works.

"Are you sure? ...I'm Carlise." His voice was so beautiful, like a bird's song. We seemed to be having two conversations at once, asking two questions separately then replying in different times, well you know what I mean…

The conversation continued a little and he ended up me buying him a coffee as I thought it was my fault for not looking where I was going and concentrating on other things instead of what I should be doing; and he bought me a cup of tea as he thought it was his fault for exactly the same reason. When we sat down and began to talk we realised that we had only lived a few miles from each other back in London. When I thought about it I had actually seen him around a few times. We continued to talk for almost an hour and we discovered that we had really hit it off, Tanya and the rest of the girls had left a while ago but Carlise said he would take me back to the hotel. On the way to take me back he was quite quiet compared to how he had been talking in the café, so I tried to make conversation. I asked where he was staying and to my surprise he said he had a house here, he said he would show me one time; which sounded good as that meant that he was going to take me out again.

When we arrived outside the hotel he got out and opened the door for me. Such a gentleman. When I had got out I simply said thank you, goodbye and that I would hope to see him again sometime, you may have noticed but I was hinting that I would like to see him again, but obviously he didn't catch on. Or so I thought.

As I was walking back towards the door of the hotel I heard him shout my name. I turned around like lightening.

"Sorry if you think this is a bit soon but, would you like me to show you my house tomorrow?"

I know it sounds like something out of a really cheesy film but it was a really beautiful moment. I simply replied with;

"Yes. That would be wonderful" and the nicest smile I could do. Which obviously was good enough as I got the most elegant smile back that I had ever seen from a man's face.

When I got back to the room I told the girls what had happened, they all thought it was lovely, so romantic, and also it was the best thing that had happened to me in ages. Well this meant that I was topic of the conversation for the night. Me and everyone else thought that this was a really good thing to happen, but someone had to drop a bombshell didn't they?? Now normally I would say something back but seeing as is was Tanys I listened; considering she was the one that was normally right aswell!

She didn't necessarily say anything nasty about what had happened she plainly said the truth. She said that maybe it was a bit too soon to be doing things like this as I was still in my first stage aswell.

That made me think what I was doing. Was this right? I should never have come here. I was right to think that I should be back in London thinking about Alice and Emmett and that also made the think, I really need to sort out Alice's room. I can't leave it like that; people will think I have some strange obsession with baby things when I'm not even pregnant. When I got home I needed to take it apart and start a fresh. Another reason I couldn't go any further with Robert was, what if it didn't work? What if we fell out like me and Emmett had? I really didn't want another relationship to end like the other one.

I mused over this for hours. Deciding whether to go with Carlise tomorrow; or follow my friend's advice from earlier that night? Why did life have to be so difficult? Why couldn't we all just live the simple life?

Eventually I decided. I came to the decision that I would go but then at the end I would try and tell him that I couldn't do this right now, that I had just had a lot happen to me in the last few months and that I am not sure whether I can handle a relationship. I knew that this decision could be a big mistake. What if I broke it off now thinking couldn't handle it, and then never find anyone like him again? Maybe I could afford to take that chance. Finally after about another hour I came to a final decision. I was going to go out with him to see his house –which I was quite intrigued to see. Then at the end, as it was my last day anyway I would tell him I probably couldn't see him again and I would give him my number and hopefully get his in return. Then when I got back to England I would try and sort my life out. Get through grief as quick as possible, then ring or text him to see if he would like to go out one night for a meal with me. He will have probably forgotten who I am by then but oh well; it was worth a shot!