Author's Note: First of all, I apologize for taking such a long time… if you read my profile (which I really don't expect many of you guys to have done), I had this chapter written a few days ago, but it sucked so hard that my OCD would not let me post it until some major changes were made. So, I'm sorry.
Secondly, let me say that I really appreciate all the feedback you guys have given me. It really means a lot. This chapter won't be as epic as the one before. It's more like a set up chapter or filler chapter (whichever one you prefer) for what will happen next. But… I suppose something important does happen with Stan in this chapter…
This is something I don't normally like to do, but I'm going to share something about my life away from fan fiction. I nicked a car yesterday while pulling out of a parking lot. Nothing major, really, some of the paint just came off. I've just been feeling so guilty because this isn't the first time that it's happened… I'm a terrible driver. I haven't told my parents, but I'm telling you all because I know I won't feel any better until I get this thing off my chest.
Lastly… that stupid ring song from the Jonas Brothers episode is stuck in my head. xD
This was a stupidly long author's note… I'll shut up now so that you can just read the story, LoL.
Disclaimer: I don't own South Park.
Cartman Was Right
Chapter 5
He Knows the Truth
"I'll beat the fucking shit out of you!"
Eric Cartman, in all of his massive glory, braced himself for an impact from either Kyle or Bebe, but he was hit by a sudden, overwhelming sense of nostalgia when the side of his face was met by Wendy Testaburger's right fist. He was rendered off-balance, and the two of them were sent toppling to the floor in a whirl of red and purple cardigans.
"Holy shit, dude!" Stan's mouth was open in the shape of an "o," and he, as well as the rest of the student body, was too shocked to do anything to save Cartman from his girlfriend's wrath. They had gathered around the grappling pair in the shape of a semi-circle that sufficed as a wrestling arena.
"You fucking asshole!" Wendy landed a particularly nasty punch to Cartman's face, and a disturbing crunch of cartilage told the onlookers that she had broken his nose. "I'll kill you!" Despite the fact that Cartman outweighed Wendy like an ox outweighed a fawn, he remained completely helpless as blow upon blow were dealt to his face, chest, and anywhere else she could reach.
It was amazing how a fight between two people could arouse the most primal instincts out of the normally intelligent. Cheers and whooping broke out all around them in torrents. The only three who weren't making any noise were Stan, Kyle, and Bebe, all of whom were simply gaping in dumfounded amazement.
"Kick his ass, Wendy!"
"Oh, Jesus! Gah!"
"Come on, Eric, you can beat a girl!"
"Timmah!"
Though something about the whole situation, Wendy panting and red in the face with her hair all mussed up, made Stan's temperature rise ever-so-slightly, he utilized his football-player's body and pulled her off of the cowering mass when he saw her skirt ride up her thighs a little higher than he was comfortable with. "Wendy!" he exclaimed, forcing her to face him by grabbing her shaking shoulders. "What do you think you're doing?!"
"LET ME GO, STANLEY!"
He had to give his head a little shake to recover from her explosive reaction; it was enough to cause the lights overhead to flicker precariously. "Nope."
"EXCUSE ME?!" She looked positively mad; her hair was sticking up in several different directions, and her eyes had the look of a deranged beast.
Stan was the only one who wasn't flinching in fear. His look sparkled with affection and almost seemed to say, "Isn't she beautiful when she's angry?" "You're going to the principle's office, missy." Before she could utter any further protest, he picked her up and carried her over his shoulder just as he had done to Kyle a few days prior.
After recovering from her initial surprise, Wendy began to struggle. "Put me down! Put me down right now!" She pounded fruitlessly against her boyfriend's muscular back, and the muscular arm he had wrapped around her knees restricted her kicking legs. "Sta-an!"
"Hey, Wendy," he said back patronizingly, grinning privately to himself when he felt her bust pressed against his shoulder.
"Stan!"
Her heated yells were heard long after she and Stan had disappeared out of visual range.
"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here," Kyle said bluntly as the rest of the school groaned in disappointment and began to meander away. How was it that none of the teachers managed to intrude on recent happenings? Perhaps dislike of Cartman was more widespread than one would have imagined.
A groan from the floor reminded them both Kyle and Bebe that Cartman was still alive and probably in critical condition. Before Kyle could stop her, Bebe knelt down to closely examine the damage. It was with a sigh of relief that she noticed that the injuries weren't nearly as bad as the time that Wendy had almost destroyed Cartman for making fun of breast cancer.
"You okay, fat ass?" Forgetting her anger momentarily and allowing maternal instinct to take over, Bebe helped Cartman hoist himself off of the ground while trying her best to avoid getting blood on her front. "God damn you're heavy!"
Kyle didn't miss the victorious smirk that Cartman flashed him as he was being led away. It gave him the sudden urge to inflict bodily harm upon the next person who approached him. Instead, he ripped the photograph off of the bulletin board so forcefully that several other documents flew off along with it and fluttered to the floor. "Butters!" Kyle managed to catch the young Stotch boy before he had walked too far away. He brandished the photograph under his nose.
"W-What?"
"How the hell did Cartman get a hold of this picture?" As much as he hated to admit it, Kyle had always been a bit jealous of Cartman's ability to always manipulate the situation in his favor. It surely would have been a desirable skill to have at the present time.
Butters fumbled with the hem of his baby blue sweater before answering. "Gee, Bebe… he'll be awful sore with me if I – "
"Just say it!"
"A-All righty, then." Butters' voice quavered like an out of tune ukulele. "H-He gave the janitor a disposable camera and bribed him with twenty dollars to follow you and Kyle after he saw the two of you sneak out of detention…" he trailed off in obvious discomfort as his watery eyes shifted uneasily across Kyle's face in anticipation for an explosive reaction.
Kyle merely listened in revulsion. The idea of being followed around – no, stalked – by Cartman made him shudder as if an entire colony of ants had crawled up his pant leg. But when he didn't see Bebe for the rest of the school day, he was haunted by disturbing images of himself being assaulted by the large German.
--
It took only the slightest whiff of beef and the quietest hiss of the stove to tell Stan that dinner was ready. Even though it was only four o' clock, his mother's diet would not permit her to eat past six, so he closed his math book and headed downstairs before his dad ate all of the potatoes again. Not that Randy Marsh needed it; he was packing quite a gut in recent years. More than once, Stan found himself wondering what in the world his mom ever saw in his dad to prompt her into marrying him.
"Stan! Randy! It's time for dinner!" Sharon Marsh had covered the table completely with platter upon platter containing enough food to induce drooling from even the fattest of bears, though Stan was rather irked with the fact that he was not out somewhere with Wendy on their anniversary instead, as she had still been a bit volatile when he drove her home earlier. It was a disappointment, needless to say, because Wendy had even hinted to him seductively that she had a surprise for later that night. Let's face it, sex was the first thought that came to mind, and it had him sweating all day until Cartman had pissed her off.
"Come on, guys, dinner's ready!" Stan heard his mom call again.
The two male inhabitants, father and son, seated themselves across from each other and spooned unnecessarily large helpings of mashed potatoes and steak onto their plates. Randy dug heartily into his food, getting bits of white vegetable matter all over his mustache and on his upper lip. His wife ignored him and eyed her son, who had not taken a bite yet.
There was obviously something amiss with any teenage boy who didn't scarf down everything in front of him. "Is something wrong, Stanley?" she asked, using his full first name the way she always did when she was expressing her concern.
The young Marsh boy shrugged, pushing his peas and carrots around in circles with his fork as steam unfurled into the air. "Not really… everyone's just been acting really strange recently."
"What do you mean?"
"Well… something doesn't seem right with Wendy, for one thing."
Randy let out a large belch and excused himself at a glare from his wife. "What, do you think she's cheating on you or something? Is that why you guys aren't going out tonight?"
"No!" Stan replied hurriedly in her defense. "It's not like that. It's just… she beat the crap out of Cartman today…"
"Well, Stan, we all know that she does get a bit – "
But Sharon was rudely interrupted by her husband. "Hey, you guys… speaking of crap…" He reached into his pocket and dug out what appeared to be an old photograph, yellowing at the corners. "Look what I found when I was cleaning out the attic this morning." He shoved it under his wife's nose, and she let out a cry of disgust.
"Really, Randy?" For he had shown her an old picture from Zurich depicting himself on the top of what seemed to be a large pile of…
"Shit, Dad… You still have that?" Stan asked, his eyes wide in amazement. "I still can't believe you did that!"
His dad polished his fingernails on the front of his shirt, leaving a smear of steak juice on his collar. "Well, son, your old man's just one awesome – "
"Honestly! I hope you don't act like this when your daughter brings her boyfriend over from the university for Thanksgiving!" Sharon set her cutleries down forcefully and frowned in disgust at the two males at the table as they fought back snickers.
"I see how it is, Sharon! A man can no longer be proud of his accomplishments! Fine! Fine!"
"You know that's not what I meant!"
"Well then what did you mean?"
"You know what I meant!"
"You guys!" Stan said as loudly as he could before it could be considered yelling. He honestly hoped with all his heart that he and Wendy would never fight about the type of things his parents did. "As I was saying… Kyle's been acting kinda weird too."
"Maybe he's just finally realized his attraction to you." Randy took a swig of beer from his glass bottle and let out another quieter burp.
"Randy!" Sharon hissed angrily.
"Yeah, Dad, Kyle's not gay. He's liked some girl for a really long time."
His mom let out a gasp and nearly let her fork fall to the floor. "Really? Who?"
"I don't think I'm supposed to know because he never told me, but it's so obvious… it's this girl, Bebe." Stan drained his glass of apple juice and refilled it so full that he had to lean over it and slurp some off the top before handling it.
"The one you invited to your clubhouse when you guys were little?"
"Yeah…" Stan began, wondering briefly how his mother even remembered that. He hadn't even been aware that she'd been paying attention at the time. "But I think she's less obsessed with Kyle's 'hot ass' now."
Randy snorted with laughter, spraying the rest of the table with Budweiser.
"Gross, Dad!"
"Randy!"
--
Kyle had to deal with school alone that day. He'd never realized it, but it was actually worse to be a girl when rumors started. He'd been called a whore, a slut, a bitch, and several other names he'd never even heard of all in one day, and all because Cartman was enough of a jerk to sneak a picture of him and Bebe in the shower. How many normal people did that?
He stopped his lonely trek and located the log in the South Park cemetery where he and Stan had sat down so many times to visit Chef during their elementary school days. It was hidden underneath nearly three feet of snow, an indication that it had been cold and neglected for far too long. He brushed off some of the powder and sat down despite the peeling bark. "Hey, Chef," he greeted, pulling his jacket around him more snugly. The grey tombstone seemed to nod back at him, and Kyle could almost hear its response:
"Hello, children, how's it goin'?" The good-natured, grinning face of the former cafeteria chef swam into view in front of him.
"Bad," he answered automatically with a dismal note in his voice.
"Why bad?"
"Chef… I don't suppose you've ever been a woman."
"A woman? Now what you little crackers been smokin' this time?"
"I ran into this girl…"
"She hot?"
"Is that relevant?"
"Do you wanna make sweet love to her down by the fire, children?"
"That hardly matters right now!"
He could almost see Chef shrug. "It could."
Kyle ignored the comment. "We switched bodies."
"Oh."
"Well, what should I do?" Why was Chef being so uncharacteristically useless?
"Children, I don't think I'm the best person for you to ask. Why don't you ask your buddy, Stan?"
"Because he doesn't exactly know about the whole thing…"
"Maybe you should tell him."
Before Kyle had the opportunity to respond, another person had crunched up through the snow behind him. Chef's face suddenly dissipated and simply joined with the rest of the air. "Are you okay?" Bebe asked him, sitting beside him on the old log without being invited. The concern in her voice was genuine.
He mulled over several responses, all of which involved several naughty words and many unjust accusations. Instead, all that came out of his mouth was a monotonous "I'm fine."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"
"For starters, you're sitting here by yourself in the middle of winter, talking to a tombstone." She let out a soft laugh, which was almost drowned out by a sudden gust of wind that made both of their eyes water.
"Normally I'd talk to my parents, but obviously…"
"Oh, yeah."
"Kyle?" Bebe asked tentatively, wondering if the timing was really appropriate. She made to twirl her hair with her fingers, but when she felt that her shoulders were bare, she rested her hands to twitch uncomfortably in her lap instead.
"What?" he responded with the slightest hint of bitterness in his voice.
"I actually came here to talk to you about a few other things…"
"Ok," he consented curtly.
Bebe took this as a signal to begin talking. "Rebecca said something interesting to me yesterday, and I can't stop thinking about it…"
"Oh?"
"Yeah… she said that… you've liked me for four years, or something… I mean, she only mentioned it in passing, so I could've heard wrong, but…" she trailed off, and Kyle thought he caught smallest whiff of hopefulness in her voice.
He avoided making eye contact in favor of staring at the imposing tombstone in the ground in front of him and chose to remain silent as falling snowflakes collected on his eyelashes. He blinked them away carelessly and rested his elbow on one knee and propped his chin on his upturned palm.
"Kyle?" Bebe asked again. It was a timid little voice that made his vision more colorful all of a sudden.
"Well…" he paused, unsure of how to defend himself against such an inquiry. Was it finally time to come clean? "So what? I found the list." Decidedly not. He took the "mature" route and changed the subject.
Bebe, whose nose had gone red from the cold, raised an eyebrow. "I still don't know what you're talking about…"
"You know," he answered patronizingly, closing his eyes pompously. "The one you and those dumb girls made back in fourth grade."
Obviously the "dumb girl" comment struck a nerve because Bebe was beginning to smoke at the ears despite the cold. "I resent that!"
"You still voted me first!"
A blush donned itself in full bloom on Bebe's face. "I was, like, nine!"
"Doesn't mean it didn't happen."
To his slight surprise, Bebe didn't respond with a witty comeback or an insulting remark. Instead, she grabbed large tufts of red hair on either side of her head and glared. "Why the hell do we always do this?!"
Kyle knew precisely what she was getting at. "You mean how we get along for a minute, and then kinda get along, and then hate each other?"
"Exactly! Why do we do it?"
The Jew paused for several moments. Why did they always fight? He'd never really given it a second thought. He'd always assumed it was just something stupid couples did if the girl took too long to put on her shoes. "It must be tension." When he was answered by a confused look, he decided to elaborate. "Oh, come on. It's totally obvious that I like you." He clapped a gloved hand over his mouth as soon as the words had escaped his lips.
Bebe looked back at him, something inexplicably ethereal shining in the depths of her crystalline eyes. For a moment, Kyle saw her in her regular body, lips chapped and cheeks flushed from the nippy Colorado wind. "I figured as much when I found this in your jacket yesterday." She had pulled out her own woolen scarf, which he caught deftly when she tossed it to him. "Let me just warn you that if I get the sudden urge to have sex with my own body, I'm going to slip on one of these babies," she said sarcastically, brandishing the box of condoms that was still in her pocket.
"Bebe, that's really nasty…" But Kyle couldn't help but chortle a little in spite of himself.
"But… now we both know that we kinda sorta…" she seemed to gag on the words a little bit as that came out, "like each other."
"Basically."
"So what do we do now?"
"I have no freaking clue…"
They spent several minutes in silence. But it wasn't the silence that induced cricket chirping and an atmosphere of awkwardness. Both teenagers weren't looking at each other, but had they shared a glance, they would have seen the identical private grins they were both wearing on their frost bitten faces.
It was a funny little world they lived in, Kyle decided. Even though that was probably the lamest confession in history, he was suddenly overcome with boldness that made him eager to kiss her. He bit his lip when he looked at her out of the corner of his eye, wondering how he still managed to find her so attractive despite her being a male. He would wait, he determined. When they changed back, that would be the first thing he would do.
The snow was still swirling when their mitten-covered hands somehow found each other on the top of the icy log. When their fingers were just barely brushing, Bebe found her voice again. "Actually," she said as though she were about to break some horrible news to him. "I still need to tell you something." She sounded guilty and withdrew her hand to fidget in a manner that reminded Kyle disturbingly of Tweek.
"What?" Kyle asked with a slight note of panic in his voice that caused his throat to constrict. He weighed his options. She could've done one of several things. Maybe she told Wendy, or maybe she told his mom. It was even possible that she did something stupid like eat a BLT sandwich for lunch.
"Oh my god, Kyle, I'm so sorry…"
"What did you do?" He was beginning to get angry again, and his posture showed it.
"I couldn't take it, and I just kinda blurted it out…"
"What?" he asked, becoming anxious.
"I told everyone that I'm – that you're – a girl."
"What?!"
"I-It just happened! I was walking Cartman to the nurse's office, and someone just yelled out some random – "
"Excuse me?!"
"I said I was sorry!" And she truly looked it. "I can't take it anymore! We have to tell someone!"
"I told you specifically not to say anything! People already think I'm gay!" Did she honestly have no self-discipline? "And we can't tell anyone! They'll think we're retarded!" he hissed.
"You can tell Stan at least…?" she asked hopefully.
"Pfft, if you want him to think you're crazy, I suppose I could." He neglected to tell her that Stan probably already found her quite loopy.
"Just… just make him figure it out on his own. If you drop enough hints, he should get it, right? He's not completely stupid… Try to be subtle."
"Okay, fine. I'll try."
--
It was like trying to hunt a deer in the middle of a metropolis during rush hour.
Every time Kyle tried to corner Stan on his own during the school day, Wendy or Kenny or Butters would appear out of nowhere and foil his attempts. After being trodden on by Kenny on his way to "borrow" Stan's math homework five minutes before math class, Kyle devised his plan to finally get his friend alone:
It involved an ambush and a broom cupboard.
As Stan was walking from biology to meet Wendy for lunch, an arm reached out of a random janitor's closet and forced him inside with a yelp. "What the hell…?"
"Stan, it's me, Bebe."
"Bebe? What the heck – " he asked, puzzled, eyes only just beginning to adjust to the darkness. "I have to go and meet Wendy for lunch. Can't it wait?"
"Stan, I have to ask you a… personal question."
"Okay?" he answered hesitantly, wondering what the word "personal" entailed.
"What would be the most devastating thing for a guy to lose?" Kyle asked, despite already knowing the answer.
"Wendy?" Stan answered automatically.
"No! I mean guys in general." The Jew rolled his eyes; he'd thought that was a really easy question for any guy to answer, but the way Stan looked at Wendy on a daily basis should have told him otherwise.
He paused. "I suppose I'd be pretty pissed if I lost my nuts or something…"
"Yes! Good! That's good!"
"What? How's that good?"
Okay… be subtle… "Look, Stan… I've lost my balls."
"Excuse me?"
Shoot, that came out wrong. "What I meant to say is that I'm not what you think I am," Kyle said, willing with all his might for his friend to see past the blond head of hair.
Stan took a few steps back, under the impression that in addition to being relatively unstable, Bebe was also some sort of transvestite. "What in the world are you talking about?!"
"Look at me, damn it!" Kyle grabbed his friend by the collar and forced his face down to eye level until their noses were almost touching.
Stan blinked nervously, knowing that he would lose his ability to father children if Wendy were to conveniently choose that moment to return. But he saw something in Bebe's face that made him falter. At first it was the way her nose seemed to scrunch up at the bridge in a way that reminded him of… "Kyle?" And then Stan noticed in the dimness that her irises were a clear and vibrant green. "Holy shit… Kyle?" His voice cracked. "I knew something was wrong with you! What the hell are you doing hijacking Bebe's body?!"
Kyle immediately released his friend's shirt and shoved him in the chest to re-establish his personal bubble. "You think I want to be a girl?!" he snapped.
The football player shrugged. "I think every guy fantasizes about it at some point." Stan ignored Kyle's girlish scoff. "Dude… you do realize that this means Cartman was right, right? About that stupid theory where people can switch bodies."
Did people get some sort of sexual pleasure by reminding him of this? "I know! But that's not the issue right now! Your best friend's a chick, Stan." Kyle folded his arms and stood in a manner that made one hip jut out to the side. "What?" he asked when Stan let out a snort of laughter.
"Your hips, dude. What the hell are you doing?" He laughed again when Kyle brandished a manicured hand in his face; the image was not at all threatening.
"Well, what do I do, smart ass! Chef told me to ask you for help!"
"Chef? I'm pretty sure he died a long time ago, dude… But, okay!" Stan held his hands out in front of him in self-defense, as Kyle appeared to be grinding his teeth. "I seriously doubt that I can help you change back, but maybe I can do something about all the rumors and everything."
"Okay… Thanks," Kyle said, almost feeling his ears droop in defeat. "Sorry for acting like such a bitch…"
"It's fine. I'd be pissed too. So," Stan said, changing the subject and donning a grin that was reminiscent of the look Kenny got on his face whenever he saw a girl's cleavage. "Have you, you know," he looked Bebe's body up and down, pausing momentarily on her bust. "Did you get a good look?" It was no secret that every guy in the school wanted to rip of Bebe's clothes and take a gander at her rather impressive chest.
"No!" Kyle said defensively.
"Kyle…" Stan said in a voice dripping with the mocking tone of a parent. He raised a disbelieving eyebrow.
"Okay, yeah." A goofy grin spread upon Kyle's face as he said this. "She's so hot, dude."
"Atta boy!" Stan gave his friend a hearty clap on the back that sent the Jew stumbling forward a few steps. Unfortunately, Kyle's foot landed in an empty metal bucket, rendering him backward and off-balance right into Stan. The unexpected impact sent them both toppling to the ground with a large crash as several shelves of cleaning supplies were sent to the floor. "What the hell, Kyle?" Stan demanded angrily.
"It's Bebe's stupid shoes…" Kyle groaned. "God… having breasts freaking sucks!" For the Jew had landed right across Stan's hard chest. "And I'm so fucking sick of falling down!"
"Well, get off already!"
"Get your fat arm off my ass, then!"
"Sorry!"
"You know, girls can't handle a thump to the back like that… just for future reference."
"I figured as much."
Both boys experienced a fresh wave of panic when the door flew open and let in a blinding burst of light. "Stan, I thought I heard your – " Wendy Testaburger froze when she beheld the sight before her. She saw Stan, Bebe's body, and their position on the floor, and put together pieces that weren't there.
"Wendy – " both boys began simultaneously.
But she was gone in a whirl of purple fleece and ebony hair before either Kyle or Stan could utter another word.
Author's Note: And the plot thickens... Ooh... JK.I did a little switch-a-roo at the beginning by giving Kyle one of Stan's usual lines, LoL. Hope you don't mind.
Review reply time.
Waste-o-tron Haha, thanks for the review. I'd have to say that that was probably one of my more creative jokes about the condoms. Haha.
Lillyfan123 You don't know how much I appreciate your reviews! And I'm so happy that reading my story influenced your own as well! Sorry if this chapter wasn't up to par with the rest of them, but I sincerely hope you continue to read… and write because I love your stories too! xD
JVM-sp150 Your comments really made my day. Thank you so much for your honesty. It's something like this that really made me feel like I'm not a complete failure at writing. I'm not really sure what else to say other than that I hope you continue to read!
Gariand Again, pretty much the same thing as I said to JVM-sp150… Thank you so much for reading. I know I'm far from perfect as a writer, but your support just makes me want to continue trying.
TheMarshmallowWizardGhostCookie Sorry for such a long wait!
Ceylon Cartman did get his ass kicked… pretty well, if I do say so myself. Haha. As you can see, things aren't looking up for Kyle and Bebe just yet, LoL. Thanks for your review, and I hope you keep reading.
XxLoveStanxX Haha! I wasn't seriously offended. I was just kidding. Haha. But I have to give you props; that was the longest review I've ever seen. Thanks so much! I'm really glad you're liking the story, too, and it cracks me up to read your very enthusiastic reviews!
celena I've had this same question in an earlier chapter, so I guess it's a "my bad" for not being more clear. I think I might've mentioned in the beginning of the first chapter that they were all at least in the middle of high school… or I might've just hinted at it (I could be wrong). And the Rebeca thing? I'm not gonna lie, that just kinda came out of nowhere. LoL I guess I just implied that people around the school could tell? I honestly don't know, but I'm glad you like the story so far!