Author's Note: Finally… God, I'm so slow. And I'm so sorry. I can't wait until school is over. Gawd…

Disclaimer: South Park is not mine… that pretty much goes without saying.

Cartman Was Right

Chapter 6

Something of a Resolution

"Hi! You've reached Wendy Testaburger. I'm not here right now, so – "

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit!" Stan let out a groan and hung up his cell phone with a click, having reached Wendy's voicemail for the thirteenth time and finally reaching his demise upon hearing her chipper voice yet again. "Dude, I am so fucked..." He ran an exasperated hand through his silky hair, something he'd been doing every few minutes for the last hour and a half.

The Jew really didn't know what to say to him. There he was, Stan Marsh, the toughest person Kyle knew, hunched over his telephone with a lacy pillow clutched protectively against his chest as if he were hoping that Wendy would suddenly appear in his arms. "Stan…" Kyle began hesitantly, for the football player looked as though he were about to burst into man tears. "We can fix it. It's not like she said 'it's over' or anything. I'm sure it'll be – "

"Don't say 'fine'! That's the last thing it is!" Stan found himself immediately presented with a dilemma. Half of him wanted to punch his friend in the face, and the other half was hesitating because he had lived his life thus far based on the idea that a guy should not physically hurt a girl. "What do I do?"

Kyle furrowed his brow. He didn't want to say anything too cliché, but… "Just tell her how you feel, dude. Bebe's her best friend, and you're her boyfriend. Wendy's not a bitch. I think she'll listen to you at least. Besides, I bet all she ever hears from you is 'I love you! Muah muah muah!' anyway." Kyle batted his eyelashes and pecked at the thin air, his hands clasped in front of him girlishly.

Stan broke eye contact and the slightest hint of a blush made its way onto his face. He shifted guiltily in his seat, and Kyle didn't miss it. "You never told her?" he asked in disbelief, receiving a look in return that told him that that was indeed the case. "Dude, you wanted to sleep with her, and you never told her? I'm not pretending I'm an expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's something you're supposed to say."

"Well, I didn't… and how do you know about that?"

Kyle was tempted to brush it off, but because there were already so many problems in his life, he decided to come clean. "On Wednesday when we had PE… Wendy kinda showed me the," he squirmed a little as he said this, "new underwear she was wearing for your anniversary thing… And, Stan, you really do stare at her a little too often."

"You sneaky little butt hole," Stan said, laughing a little bit.

"What?"

"That's probably the sickest thing I've ever heard of!" By this point, Stan was shaking with silent laughter. "You're like Kenny v2."

"It's not like I had a choice! And if you think about it, that means Bebe was in the guys' locker room staring at you."

"Dude, don't get your panties in a knot." But Stan stopped laughing upon realizing this and changed the subject. He rubbed the back of his neck. "How are you and Bebe, by the way?" he asked as if hoping that he'd be able to forget about Wendy for several minutes by keeping his mind elsewhere.

"What do you mean?" Kyle assumed the answer was obvious: he was a girl, which seemed evidence enough to show that the situation was becoming unbearable for both of them.

"Well, do you guys hate each other, or are you, you know, together." He said it as if the word was a death sentence.

"Why're you saying it like that?"

"I really don't think many people can handle her." Stan shrugged. "So, are you?"

Kyle didn't answer for several minutes, wondering why on Earth his best friend was so interested. What were they, anyway? They weren't friends, but they were. They weren't glued at the hip, and yet somehow their lives had become irrevocably intertwined in a complicated web of irony. It was strange and foreign but oddly familiar and secure at the same time. "It's too complicated right now," he answered truthfully.

"So you are an item now!"

"No, I didn't say that. Stop putting words in my mouth."

"Dude, it's totally obvious that you like her. You don't need to keep denying it."

Kyle was normally not one to wear his heart on his sleeve. The thought of sharing his most personal feelings had always left him with a slight feeling of nausea, but he was overcome by the sudden desire to reveal himself to his friend. "I… I'm kinda scared."

"Why?"

Kyle fidgeted and ran a thin hand through the multitude of golden hairs that now resided on the top of his head. "When I told her – "

"You actually told her without even telling me first?!"

"Yeah, Jesus, stop acting like such a girl." Kyle smirked in satisfaction when his friend frowned. "As I was saying… the first thing I wanted to do was – "

"Bang her?"

"No!" Honestly, was he the only one who actually thought with his brain? "And stop interrupting! I wanted to kiss her, stupid. For a second, I just saw her I didn't even care that she was actually me."

Stan's face contorted in disgust. "Please tell me you didn't make out with yourself."

Kyle let out a breath that he didn't realize he'd been holding in. "I didn't… but I really wanted to." He paid no attention to the disturbing nature of his comment or the outburst of laughter from his best friend. Instead, he thought about Bebe, his eyes clouding over so that he didn't even notice Stan waving a calloused hand in front of his face.

There had to be some sort of spark there, some sort of indication that he wasn't merely suffering from an overdose of infatuation but rather a genuine attraction that had blossomed since the day he'd met her. The feeling was always there, really, only manifesting itself as a mask of dislike. She puzzled, infuriated, and confused him all the time. And yet, the thought of her smile made his heart soar. It had to mean something that Bebe's eyes alone drew him so near as to forget about her recent gender swap, right? It was this fact that scared Kyle shitless, as he had never been subjected to emotions that rendered him incapable of conveying his thoughts or even speaking in a coherent manner. A snap of a thumb and index finger brought him back to Earth. "Huh?"

"You look like you've just gotten high or something."

"Oh, right…"

"What're you – " But Stan was cut off by an impatient ring from his cell phone. Without reading the contact, he answered the phone before the ring tone had to repeat itself. "Wendy?" he asked hopefully, his face falling when the person on the other line spoke. "Oh… Cartman. What do you want?" He rolled his eyes in Kyle's direction. "No… No, Cartman, I just told you – No, fat ass, I'm not going to – Well fine! Screw you, then!" Stan hung up by slamming his flip phone shut. "What a dick…" he mumbled to himself.

"What'd he want?"

"He wanted me to drive all the way over to his house just to prove to his mom that he's taller than me. I think I heard something abut him renting a tux for the dance thing..."

"… That's retarded."

"Seriously. Sometimes I think he's got masculinity issues."

Oh yeah… Kyle still hadn't told Stan about that day. He ultimately decided that the timing was poor and made the mistake of forgetting all about Cartman's tenacity and persistence. "Oh, forget him. Besides, I think you have bigger problems right now. If you don't make up with her, you're kinda screwed for the dance later anyway. Isn't that… this Saturday?"

Stan groaned and covered his face with his hand, having already picked a tux that would compliment Wendy and himself perfectly. "Ugh, you're right… Kyle, what the hell do I say to her? And, I mean, how do I even go about talking to her in the first place? 'Hey, Wendy, it's not what it looks like. Kyle and Bebe switched bodies, so who you really saw was Kyle, not Bebe,'" he said sarcastically. "She'll castrate me in front of everyone! And stop laughing, it isn't funny!"

Kyle took a deep breath and his demeanor finally became serious. "No, you're right. What we both have to do is find Bebe, explain the whole thing to her, and then do the same with Wendy."

"Do you even know where Bebe is?"

"Actually I don't… Usually she makes a point to bother me, but I haven't seen her since yesterday."

--

Bebe was at Claire's in the South Park mall, ignoring whispers of other girls in the store and trying to find some sort of hair brush that could manage to tame the auburn Jew fro perched unfortunately on the top of her head when she saw Wendy rush past the front of the store in a lavender blur. Something about her posture, the way her purple-clad shoulders were hunched over and the vulnerable expression on her face, was enough to tell Bebe that her best friend had been crying. So, she abandoned the girly store and chased after her friend. Damn, that girl can move! For Bebe had speed walked all the way down the wing before finding Wendy hiccupping at a table in the food court. She sat down without asking, a habit that had only developed over the last few days, and drummed her fingers on the tabletop.

"Kyle?" Wendy asked with a sniffle, trying to wipe away the tear streaks on her face and only succeeding in making her cheeks look more red and puffy than ever.

"Wendy, what're you doing here?"

She was given an unexpected response.

Wendy slammed her fist on the table with so much force that Bebe recoiled and nearly fell out of her chair. "Bebe… she…" she said quietly, her eyes downcast. "SHE'S SUCH A SLUT!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" It was difficult to say which girl had yelled louder, because their table was suddenly attracting the attention of everyone else in the proximity.

But Wendy seemed inconsolable and incoherent and simply put her head down on her arms and sobbed her heart out. It was a pitiful sight that pulled at Bebe's heart just a little bit; the tenacious Wendy Testaburger was breaking down and letting her eyeliner run right in public view. She hadn't cried since Bush's reelection several years ago.

"Wendy, what happened?" Bebe laid a comforting hand on her friend's back.

"I saw Bebe and Stan with each other!" she blubbered.

"Oh, God…" Bebe almost felt a light bulb go on above her head as realization dawned. It didn't take a genius to figure out that one of the two boys had done something stupid. "That bitch…" she muttered to herself.

"Did Bebe seduce you too?"

"No. No, no, no. We're kinda… you know." She finished with a fruity flourish of her hand.

"Oh!" Wendy gasped. "So it is true then? I was always under the impression that there was some sort of sexual tension between you and Cartman."

"Cartman?" The idea was repugnant in itself without having to imagine it. At least the conversation was wandering away from Stan.

"Yeah, well, he always looks like he wants to eat you."

"Uh… EWIE!" It came out as a squeal that made Wendy snort with laughter through her congestion.

"That wasn't girly at all," she said. "Kyle… I think we need to hang out. I don't wanna think about guys right now."

"Oh, totally! There's this guy who's been getting on my nerves lately, too," Bebe answered without thinking, forgetting that she was in Kyle's body. "He never tells me what he's thinking, and I don't even know what he thinks of me!" She shut up instantly and her eyes widened. She put her fist down on an upturned palm. "I know just what you need."

"What's that?"

"Just come on. We're going to your house." With that, Bebe pulled Wendy behind her, and the two of them walked the short distance to Wendy's cul-de-sac. Twenty minutes later, the two girls were sitting on the couch together, wrapped in a quilt, each holding a large bowl of chocolate ice cream, and watching Pride and Prejudice.

"Seriously," Bebe said through a mouthful of dairy product. "When you need your faith in men restored, this'll do it for you. Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed, tapping Wendy on the arm impatiently. "I love this part! I can just feel the tension!" Both girls let out identical contented sighs as they watched Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy share a brief glance after he had held her hand to help her board the coach at Netherfield. It was a scene that almost made them both swoon.

"I can't believe I've never seen this movie," Wendy said, staring at the television monitor. She was so enraptured that she missed her mouth with her spoon when she tried to eat her ice cream.

"Neither can I. But, you know, guys like that really don't exist. Mr. Darcy is simply…" Bebe put her hand over her heart, "the original Prince Charming."

Wendy followed suit and rested a delicate hand on Bebe's orange jacket as well, causing her to whip around with a spoon in her mouth; it was a rather comical sight. "Kyle, you're such a sensitive guy… unlike stupid, manly Stan." She smiled softly, her eyes shining, and Bebe noticed that it was the same private grin she usually wore for her aforementioned boyfriend.

With that disconcerting notion fresh in her mind, Bebe pretended to adjust her position on the couch to one that was more comfortable, pulling her arm out of Wendy's grasp in the process. "You don't mean that. You're mad for him."

"Not anymore…"

"Yes you are. I see the way you guys look at each other. He's head over heels, Wendy, he'd swim across the ocean to see you smile." Bebe knew damn well that that was probably the stupidest and most cliché thing she'd ever said.

Wendy didn't think so. "That's so sweet. See, I wish Stan would say those things to me!" Once again she looked as though she were on the verge of tears. "But he never told me… and now he's off kissing someone else…"

"I know this'll be hard to believe… but that's seriously impossible." Having finished her ice cream, Bebe tipped the bowl to her mouth and shoveled the melted contents down her throat. When she put the bowl down there was a small smudge of ice cream on her nose.

Wendy giggled girlishly.

"Hm?"

"Nothing… you just look really cute like that." She moved a bit closer, causing Bebe to go rigid in her seat. "Did I ever tell you how pretty your eyes are? I don't really remember them being blue…"

Bebe knew her best friend well enough to know that her behavior was not based upon rational thought but rather the sense of abandonment that came with being betrayed by Stan. Nevertheless, it was still very uncomfortable. "Okay, woah." Bebe made a face and slid to the opposite end of the sofa so as to prevent the situation from becoming any more awkward. "Look, Wendy… no offense, but I'm really not interested in you. I'm not actually interested in girls at all." She mentally slapped herself after saying that; she was technically a guy still, for Christ's sake.

"You seem interested in Bebe. Are you saying that she's a guy?" Wendy joked.

Bebe nearly laughed at the irony of her friend's question. "Well…"

Just then, the door, which both of them had forgotten to lock, burst open as Stan and Kyle forced their way in from the wind. "Wendy!" Stan gasped, panting and out of breath.

On the other hand, Wendy's beautiful face showed no sign of emotion, as her smile had been wiped clean off to leave her looking somewhat deadened and frail. "Get out."

"Look, it was all a huge misunderstanding," he said directly, willing silently for her to listen. "We're not really – "

"Stan, get out of my house!" Wendy stood up, and the blanket slid off of her, sending the empty ice cream bowls to the floor with a clatter. She looked as though she wanted nothing more than Stan and Kyle's – technically Bebe's – heads to be mounted on her wall like trophies; Kyle thought he Stan reach for his neck as though thinking the same thing.

"No, Wendy, I need to – "

"All three of us need to tell you something!" Kyle interrupted, gesturing urgently to himself, Stan, and Bebe.

"Get OUT!" The saying, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," was an understatement. Wendy hurled the remote control and her empty ceramic bowl at Stan's head with as much force as she could muster (it was enough to send him staggering back a few paces) and ran toward the staircase with every intention of barricading herself in her bedroom behind the Persian army that was her anger.

Bebe rounded on Stan and Kyle as soon as they heard Wendy's door slam. "What did you guys do? She told me Stan did something stupid… but honestly!" Her eyes lingered a little longer on Stan and surveyed him quizzically.

"It's okay, he knows, Bebe."

"That doesn't explain why my best friend is crying her eyes out… over you!" Bebe pointed an accusing finger at Stan, her eyes narrowed maliciously. It would've been an intimidating picture had there not been a smear of chocolate ice cream on the tip of her nose.

"Oh, stop it." Kyle swatted her arm away. "And wipe your nose already." Bebe rubbed clumsily at her face. "It's not a big deal, really. I just happened to fall over Stan in the broom cupboard, and Wendy caught us – "

"And now she thinks I'm a slut," she said, cutting him off. "Oh, way to go, Broflovski!"

"It was your idea to tell Stan!"

"It wasn't my idea to lock him in a broom cupboard! Who does that?"

"I can name several." Cartman's name was on the top of that list.

"But why did you fall on him?! Even if you're in a girl's body, the idea of two guys on top of each other is just nasty!"

"I tripped thanks to your – "

"You guys, stop it! This isn't helping!" Once again, Stan was tempted to shove them away from each other, but he didn't want to be accused of being a woman-beater, which seemed like something Bebe would say. "Come on." With that, the three of them went up to Wendy's room, where they were met with a locked door. Stan knocked on it several times with a heavy fist. "Wendy?" he asked hesitantly.

No response.

"Here, let me try." Kyle stepped past Stan. "Wendy, it's Kyle." He didn't get an answer either, though he suspected she had her ear pressed right to the door on the other side. "Yeah, it's Kyle." He supposed it would be easier to just say it. "I'm not Bebe. I know you're not gonna believe a word of this, but me and Bebe actually switched bodies."

Bebe built upon the story with added confidence. "Remember that time we ran into each other in the hallway? That's when it happened. I've been a boy ever since…"

There was more heavy silence for several minutes.

Then the door cracked open, and a boiling brown eye peered through the small gap. It was narrowed suspiciously, but they were no longer spilling tears. Bebe and Kyle shoved Stan away impatiently to prevent him from saying something to disrupt the delicate situation, as he had never been the most eloquent even if he had noble intentions.

"Wendy… look at me," Kyle said, pointing into his face and getting close enough to the door so that she could see the flecks of green in his irises.

All of a sudden, the door flew open, and Wendy smacked Kyle directly on the cheek before anyone could react. "You pervert!"

There was a glowing handprint on his face. "Dude! Wha – ?"

"I undressed in front of you!" Wendy had re-emerged and wrapped her arms around herself as if afraid that his eyes could see through her clothes. "And you let him see!" she yelled at Bebe, who was shaking her head so enthusiastically that her hat spun around on her head. "And why in the world would you be lying on top of Stan, Kyle? If you're both guys… technically… And I'm so confused…" she trailed off, hurt still etched on her face. At least she'd stopped yelling. "Is this some sort of sick joke?! Are you trying to make me look stupid?!"

Obviously someone had spoken too soon.

"No, that's not – "

"Because if you are cheating on me, Stan, please don't insult my intelligence, at least! Own up to it!"

"Stan," Kyle nudged his friend in the ribs as Wendy continued her angry rant, beginning to pace irritably like a lioness stalking its prey.

"I'm not just some dumb girl, asshole! Don't fuck with me!"

"What, Kyle?" Stan whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Tell her," the Jew muttered in response.

"If it's over, just say so! And then you and Bebe can just go on and be happy together without me to butt in anymore!"

"Tell her what?"

"You know," Kyle urged, continuing to nudge and spare glances at the raving girl meandering in circles on the landing; it was truly a staggering sight.

"Well, Stan? What's your answer?!" Wendy put her hands on her hips and stopped her aimless walking. She was positively livid.

Stan faltered for a few minutes but took a step forward when Kyle gave him a swift kick behind the knees. Despite his physical superiority to her, Stan felt rather weak and vulnerable as he warily eyed her seething form. Shaking from his toes to the tips of his fingertips, he grasped her shoulders tenderly and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. He took it as a good sign when she didn't rear back and knock out a few of his teeth. "Wendy Testaburger…" He knelt on the floor in a manner strangely reminiscent of a proposal and took her hand in his. He stroked her palm tenderly with the pad of his thumb and gained confidence when he felt her relax. "I know this is hard for you to believe. I know I do a lot of stupid things. I know you get irrational sometimes – no, all the time – " She scoffed when he said this – "and I didn't think in a million years that this is how I'd tell you, but… I love you. So so much. I would never… ever hurt you."

Wendy's lip quivered, and her eyes welled up with tears as he said this. They finally broke through the barrier of her resolve when her mind registered the pure honesty of his declaration. By the time she realized that he'd confessed his love for her, she was incapable of speaking. Choking on a sob, she all but threw herself at him and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, sending them both falling softly backward onto the carpet. When Wendy sniffled and wiped away the last of her tears, she allowed Stan to kiss her, first softly on each cheek where he tasted the salty remains of saline, and then on her lips where she responded pleasantly with a soft sigh and a flutter of eyelids as they slid shut.

"They are so perfect together!" Bebe whispered loudly to Kyle, who was standing next to her with a face that indicated potential "upchuck" right onto the carpet. He noticed with horror that Wendy had now fully pressed herself against her boyfriend, whose hand was slowly making its way under her sweater…

"Okay, stop!" Kyle yelled loudly, and the couple on the floor promptly broke apart, both flaming in the face. "Jesus Christ, you guys, exhibit some self-control, will ya? At least wait until we get outta here," he said angrily, glaring as he watched his best friend gather his composure.

"Sorry," Stan grunted in embarrassment, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding making eye contact with anyone. Wendy merely coughed and looked away.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "So, is everything cool now?"

"Yeah," Wendy responded, her voice hitched about an octave too high. "I don't know…"

"What?"

"I'm still not sure I really believe you guys. I mean, that would mean Cartman was right again, right?"

Bebe laughed humorlessly and frowned in annoyance with a roll of her blue eyes, and Kyle pinched his nose. "Can you not remind me, please?" At that moment, Kyle hated even the bacteria that resided on Cartman's teeth.

Wendy giggled and just laced her fingers with Stan. Stan, on the other hand seemed eager to get the other two to leave, and after a hasty goodbye, Kyle and Bebe found themselves out in the cold.

"What a horny little bugger…" Kyle stared in disbelief at the door behind him.

"Wendy too. I reckon they would've done it right on the floor if you hadn't said anything." The two of them stood in comfortable silence for several moments before somehow agreeing to head home.

"And about Cartman, Kyle…" Bebe said during their trek. "It's not your fault. Shit like this doesn't happen to normal people," she offered, trying her best to say something helpful. "On the other hand…" she said after getting a disbelieving glare. "It all worked out! Stan and Wendy are better than ever!"

"Bebe… don't say 'it all worked out' until we're back in our own bodies."

"Yeah, yeah. Okay… You don't have to be such a Debbie downer."

"But you're right… about Stan and Wendy, I mean." Kyle raised a hand in an expectant high five, and Bebe smacked it soundly enough to leave a red mark. "We rule… I guess."

"Kyle? I've been meaning to ask you this for a while."

"Huh?"

"Come to the dance with me?"

"Okay." He didn't bother hiding his grin.

Bebe clasped her hands together under her chin and batted her eyelashes, ignoring Kyle when he warned her to stop. "That means we need to buy you a dress, then."

"What?!"

Author's Note: Stendy? Yeah, that's right. Ya gotta love 'em too. Thanks for reading!

JVM-150 Thanks for continuing to read. It really means a lot!

Lillyfan123 I always love reading your reviews; they never fail to inspire me to write. I'm so glad you liked the last chapter even though it was a little slow.

Waste-o-tron I'm so glad you're enjoying the story! And yeah, this story is essentially centered on awkwardness in every possible way, haha.

ReadingReallyLate I'm so glad you like it so far! And I'm even happier that you think the plot works out. Honestly, I thought this would be epic fail before I wrote it. Thanks again!

Ceylon Thank you so much for the review. Personally, I think the last chapter (and this one even) is too dramatic. But I thought it was necessary to get things out in the open? Haha, but I'm glad you like it.

XxLoveStanxX I'm glad you liked it even though (as I said) it was a terribly slow chapter. I really hope you liked the Stendy in this one. ;)