Stage Two: Pain, Guilt, England and Numbers.

As soon as we got to the England train station I knew what was coming and all I wanted to do was crawl away and hide in a little corner until all this had blown over. I really wanted just to get back on the next train to Paris and go and see Carlise. I had realised that this trip that I organised was a bad idea. I realised that I was just running away from everything; and I also realised that running to Paris doesn't help, it just makes it worse when you come back especially as I had met such a wonderful man. Who was on my mind constantly? In fact I was very tempted to text him to see when he was back in London so we could go out and I could run away from everything for just a little bit longer.

When I got home I really didn't want to go in. but I had to; so I just took a deep breath and opened the door and all I got was a big gust of wind that smelt of Emmett. Oh I have never wanted to cry so much in my life. I thought I could handle it? I can handle it. So I know it sounds a bit weird but I started talking myself through things. I started by unpacking my things so I sat in my room undid my case and started putting clothes back in my drawers and hanging clothes up, but that didn't last long I got distracted and found myself wandering into Alice's room.

All I did was position myself in the doorway look at what was in the room, a small, elegant white cot, with a little mobile that played a beautiful song, I could listen to it over and over again, that she would fall asleep to, a rocking chair for me and Emmett to rock her to sleep in our arms and read her stories as she got older. Shelves for all her teddies and a big toy box full of toys me and Emmett had bought her and other members of our families.

All of a sudden I got the unexpected feeling of guilt over come me. I thought I had better sit down; so I went and sat in the big rocking chair in the corner of the room... Pain soon came to merge with the guilt and I all of a sudden thought… 'It's my fault.' Well it was what if I hadn't been so off with Emmett? What if maybe I had eaten well? What if I had relaxed more? What if I had paid more attention to what my baby needed instead of what I needed?

The pain was unbearable; I just sat and cried at the fact that I had practically killed our baby. I was scared; I didn't know what to do? I thought about going to the police, but then I thought that they would just think I was mental? I didn't know what to do, I was terrified that if someone caught on and thought about it like I had that every one would hate me and turn me in anyway so I may aswell be the decent person and do it myself.

I needed to tell someone. So I rang Tanya and then I rang Maggie. I said exactly the same thing to both.

"Tanya? I'm a murderer." I said through the tears that were running down my face like athletes sprinting towards the finish line.

"Rosalie don't be stupid, you must be in the second stage;" she must have known what was going on with me better than I did.

"What? …What's the second stage? Realise what you've done stage???" okay I admit I was a bit angry there but if you was me then, or in my situation you would understand what I meant and how I felt?

"No it's not whatever you just said, now I don't mean to be rude Rosalie, but please babe; get a grip, I need you to concentrate. You HAVEN'T killed your baby, you lost your baby, and it'sNOT your fault. It was just fate. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, you will find your chance soon."

I was very reluctant to say it but I said okay. I don't know how she can't realise what I have done? Maggie couldn't see it either. I was beginning to wonder whether they were actually listening to what I was saying. I had KILLED my baby; she had died and it was my fault. I don't know how anybody couldn't understand that.

Every one I rang was saying the same as Tanya and Maggie. So I began to think maybe they were right? I decided to look on the internet, just to be sure. It had been that long since I had used the laptop that I had forgotten where I had put it, it took me literally hours to find it, when I finally did I opened it up and turned it on to find my favourite picture of me and Emmett as the front wallpaper. The first thing I did was upload my pictures from Paris on to the laptop and put my favourite one of me and the girls as the wallpaper; that cheered me up a little. Then I set out to do what I had got the blasted thing out for, looking for what the seven stages of grief were that Tanya and Maggie kept going on about. I soon found it and scrolled down to what it said about stage two. I was looking for one that Maggie and Tanya were talking about on the phone earlier, Pain and Guilt. I eventually found one. It read…

'Pain and Guilt:-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.'

Well I had certainly gone through that this month!
I read a couple more definitions and then I gradually began to agree with what they were saying. It seemed to make sense to me, like it said in the above response I must not try and escape my feelings with alcohol or drugs, which to be honest I hadn't thought about until now! I didn't think that would help anyway. Just create more problems for me?!

Days went by and I was just sat in my pyjamas, watching rubbish on the daytime telly. Recently because of what had happened my boss has given me some time off work to try and get over it and my head around what had happened so that when I went back to work I wouldn't be daydreaming all the time thinking about my own problems. But as it had been so long since I had even spoken to my boss, or even thought about going to work that surely they must have thought I was either going nuts and just locking myself in my house or that I had disappeared or something as nobody had seen me in almost a week now.

My days were spent looking through the television guide wondering if there was anything interesting on telly for once, or reading. I spent a lot of time reading, I read almost every book I had, now that isn't a lot but it is for me so in a was I was quite proud of myself. The rest of the time I had I spent looking at Carlise's number in my phone; I was desperate to ring him; I just really wanted to talk to him. When we were in Paris I felt as if I could say anything to him, and it wouldn't shock him, his expression to everything I said I was going through seemed like one a person pull if they had done and been through it all before. I didn't tell him everything if that's what you're thinking? I thought about it but then I still thought he might run away and not want to speak to me as I looked like a lunatic.

I really wanted to ring him or just text him, I spent hours of a day thinking of what I could text him, without sounding needy.