Stage 3: Anger, Bargaining and Going Out For Dinner.
So, according to the internet my next stage was anger and bargaining, this meant that I was about start feeling quite angry, where I release all the feeling and etc I have been holding or bottling up this past 6 months. When I read it, the internet said that I might even start to question myself unconsciously. When I had finished reading opinions and things on the internet I shut the laptop up and went through to the kitchen.
"Rubbish, never trust the internet." And as I walked into the kitchen I walked past Alice's room and a question popped into my head, Why Me?? Why was it always me that got the bad news? Then I thought there must be hundreds of thousands of people going though the same thing. Why did I think I was the only one that was going through this? How selfish is that? Then I thought to myself 'stop it Rosalie This is stupid.' And I tried my hardest to stop thinking about things like that.
Okay so I was starting to do things that the internet said. I was thinking okay I had better stop now. It's getting a bit strange, all this talking to myself, it wasn't normal; I needed to stop. I had stopped the questions for a while now and was starting to forget about the stages and just carry on. I found that if I thought about it I would end up asking myself questions or doing whatever that stage said I should do. In a way it made me feel better that I was doing it and that I wasn't taking forever because, honestly, I just wanted to get through this as fast as possible so that I could get on with my own life.
Later that night Tanya rang to see how I was getting on and if I was okay, but to her disbelief, and mine, I ripped her head off!! I don't know what came over me? I just let rip and went wild at her! I'm not even sure what I was shouting at her about now! At the end she just said okay I will leave you now; and hung up. I think she knew what was happening but I still felt guilty about the matter. In fact it was more than guilt it was that I was fuming with myself for yelling at her like that.
When I thought I had calmed down enough I rang her back and apologised, and then I explained what my next stage was and so if I do flip that I am saying sorry in advance. she said that she already knew that i was in that stage from my performance earlier, i was glad that she wasn't angry with me though, it just proved what wonderful friends i have.
I had finally decided also that; the dilemma I had earlier of whether to call or text Robert to see if he had got back yet? I had decided that I was going to text him. I hadn't quite decided what though. I sat for hours thinking about this.
Finally I had decided, and I text him saying.
'Hello you. Not seen you in a while, how's things? Do you fancy meeting up if your back? Rosalie x'
I thought that the text was reasonable and that it didn't seem that I was being really clingy or pushy.
I sat and waited for a reply. Which was probably a bad idea as I just made me feel paranoid that he didn't like me, as I was expecting one to come through from Carlise almost straight away? I sat with my phone in my hand constantly. For the next three days I was constantly checking it. By Wednesday I had started to give up. Then on Wednesday afternoon just as I was just putting my jacket on to nip to the shop, I got a reply…
'Hello. I'm doing good thanks. How about you? yes I'm back and I would love to meet up. Carlise x'
That very text made my day; in fact it made the rest of the week for me. We had carried on texting throughout the week and we had decided that we were going to go out on Saturday evening.
Now I just had to decide what to wear. I thought I would ring Tanya – she always looks picturesque.
Friday me and Tanya had decided was shopping day. We were going to go on a girl's day out in town shopping. Tanya came round to mine at ten, she drove us into the town centre and we had a magnificent day shopping. I bought more than I needed obviously but it took my mind of things, I got around 10 different outfits, it almost broke the bank but he was worth it. Not that he would see me in all of them in one night obviously, but I had at least the next 9 dates worth, sorted of what to wear.
The one I was going to wear tonight was my favourite, to make a good impression, not that I needed to really but it would help a little.
Saturday morning. Tanya had stayed at mine last night as we had quite a bit to drink last night, and she wasn't able to drive so I let her sleep on the sofa. When she got up this morning she said she would help me choose what to wear and do my hair and make-up for me. I loved having things like that being done, all the pampering. It made me feel so relaxed, I loved it.
It was almost time for Carlise to arrive; he said he would pick me up at 7. It was quarter to. Okay so now I was getting nervous, I had that butterfly feeling you get when your boyfriend first comes round to your house to meet your parents; not sure how it will turn out. Then the doorbell went, I asked Tanya how I looked and she replied…
"Absolutely beautiful, he will love it" with a smile. I went to answer the door. I put my hand on the handle took a deep breath, and opened the door. There he was; a picture. He was wearing a suit, a kind of grey but the metallic type if you know what I mean. A thin tie, his hair messy but smart and a single rose in his hand. A smile that showed his teeth, which I had never seen before, but it was beautiful.
"Wow, you look amazing Rosalie." He said as he looked at my outfit.
"You don't look that bad yourself." I said with a big grin. He came in and we had a glass of wine each and then we went. He was being a true gentleman. He opened all the doors for me and helped me into and out of the car even held the chair for me in the restaurant. We ordered our food and we was sat talking for a lengthy amount of time, hours in fact. There was never a moment where we weren't talking, I adored everything, and everything we talked about seemed to fascinate me. I could listen to him talk for days. Then it came for me to tell him about me, I was trying to avoid this for as long as possible. I wasn't sure whether to tell him about Alice. But I thought what if I didn't maybe if he found out that I had kept that from him he wouldn't want to speak to me anymore. I decided I would tell him.
" Well, I have been going through stages this year." I tried my hardest not to tell him but I shouldn't have said anything as it just mad him more interested to find out what I was going through.
"Stages?" he asked.
I was going to have to tell him."Well, about a year ago now I was engaged and I was pregnant, everything was going fine, until I went into labour and the baby was still born. Everything went downhill from there. I was depressed, me and Emmett, my fiancé, broke up, and then I went through grief. Well actually if I'm honest I'm still going through grief." I looked down at the table while I was saying this; I was scared to look at him in case his expression was something I didn't want it to be. Or even to see if he had gone.
He didn't say anything when I looked up, he was still there but he just seemed astonished.
"You hid that well." He joked.
"I know" I laughed with him. "I'm getting good.
I felt a million times better once I had heard him laugh, it comforted me. I felt relieved aswell at the fact that he now knew about my past and what I had been through and what I am still going through. I was also relieved at his reaction. I was surprised that he hadn't got up and walked out like I was expecting him to do.
The rest of the night was like a dream, we sat talking more about both of us and we were one of the last few people in the restaurant. When we had finished he paid the bill and we went. He once again held the doors and helped me in and out of the car. He even walked me back to the door of my apartment. This would be the moments in the films where I would invite him in for coffee and, well you know how the rest goes.
Well I thought I would invite him in for wine though, I had opened a bottle last night and since we had only had two glasses out of it so I thought we may aswell finish the bottle.
Surprisingly he agreed. He came in and we finished the bottle and another one, we just sat talking all the time, if you asked me what we was talking about I couldn't tell you. I just spent all the time gazing into his big green eyes. I can remember him leaving and me really not wanting him to go, but he had to.
The rest of the night I just spent thinking about him. I even think I had a dream about him. I was so glad I had met him, it was just the lift I needed right now. I was hoping that he would be thinking the same as me. I couldn't wait to see him again.
My life was finally beginning to get better.