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I'm a monster…

I sank down to my knees. I couldn't believe I had just done that. The body fell limp on the floor. This…this wasn't happening.

I struggled to remember what I had just done.

I was hiding out in an abandoned building in the city. The whole purpose of it was to keep myself away from humans in the first place. I studied the body in front of me and winced. I had killed him…I-I can't even remember.

He looks as though he had only been around 17…his life was just getting started. He must have wandered in to explore… or on a dare. I just… how did this happen? It's just not possible. I remember hunger and thirst…then everything goes black and now I find myself…I shuddered.

What had I done?! It couldn't have been that easy to loose it…it, no I can never be normal. I can't go after Rose like this… it's too dangerous. What if I loose myself again, just like I had now?

I'm disgusted with my self…this was just…I couldn't have done this, there was no way. I kept trying to replay the memory but there was nothing…It was all black.

My eyes squeezed shut, what do I do now? I had to leave…I had to get somewhere far away where I can't hurt anyone else…

I lay down and curled up on the floor. The sun should be up soon. I sighed,

Supposing the dreams I had been having were real, Adrian should be visiting tonight…or rather today. My thoughts drifted, were our dreams really connected? If so, then how? How was that even possible? I bit my lower lip unconsciously, almost forgetting about my fangs. I wiped some of the blood off of my lip with my shirt.

I let out yet another sigh, maybe I was just going crazy and that was why I almost always saw her in my dream…that's obviously the most reasonable explanation. My subconscious mind wishes to see her. No, not even. My conscious mind wishes to see her, to hold her.

Numerous questions bounced around my head and after awhile I drifted into a dream, hoping I might see her again.

I was now standing in a hallway. I looked around, it was empty, no one in sight. I almost jumped when a door flew open. Adrian stood before me, and invited me in-well more like grabbed me by the shirt and yanked me in- closing the door behind hus.

Recognition flooded my thoughts. This had been his room, back at the ski resort. The hallway had been the Ivashkov wing.

I had only been in this room once before, I had been passing by and I found Rose and Lissa in there.

Flash Back

I was on my way to visit Guardian Hathaway, to look over some new data about the recent strigoi attack when I had heard Rose. What was she doing in the Ivashkov wing? I came to a stop at the opening in the door. This was Adrian's room what was she doing in there. A sudden sense of urgency raced through my veins. Why would she be in his room?

Adrian's teasing voice rang into the hallway. "Ladies, ladies, no need to fight over me."

"We're not. I just want to know what's going on here" replied Rose.

I entered and stood in the doorway, making my self known. "Me too."

Rose jumped at the sound of my voice. She spun around, eyes meeting mine. I had no doubt she was up to no good. My Roza, always seemed to get herself into all sorts of trouble. Although when I saw Lissa standing there with her, well that caught me a little off guard. I entered the room, and stepped past her, looking between the three of them.

"Male and female students aren't supposed to be in each other's rooms."

Knowledge that Adrian wasn't exactly a 'student' crossed my mind and I half expected Rose to comment on that fact, instead she turned to Adrian.

"How do you keep doing this?" she asked him, frustration written all over her face.

"Do what?"

"Keep making us look bad!"

Adrian let out a small chuckle. "You guys are the ones that came here."

"You shouldn't have let them in." I reprimanded. "I'm sure you know the rules at St. Vladimir's."

Adrian shrugged off my words. "Yeah, but I don't have to follow any school's stupid rules."

"Perhaps not," I answered coldly "But I thought you'd still respect those rules."

Adrian rolled his eyes. "I'm kind of surprised to find you lecturing about underage girls."

I bit back my anger, and kept myself as calm as possible. Having to resist the urge to punch him in the jaw, what kind of example would I be setting for Rose after all of our lectures on self control? I managed to keep myself composed, but couldn't keep my fists from clenching.

"Besides," He continued, "nothing sordid was going on, we were just hanging out."

"If you want to 'hang out' with young girls, do it at one of the public areas."

Adrian began to laugh, almost hysterically-a strange kind of skin crawling laugh that I hadn't expected.

"Young girls? Young girls? Sure, young and old at the same time. They've barely seen anything in life, yet they've already seen too much. One's marked with life, the others marked with death…but they're the ones your worried about? Worry about yourself dhampir. Worry about you, and worry about me. We're the ones who are young."

I'm not exactly sure what had come over him but he had a crazy sort of glint in his eye. Rose and Lissa seemed shocked as well. But as sudden as his glint had appeared, it was gone.

He seemed perfectly normal-well as far as 'normal' goes for Ivashkov- and calm again. He strolled casually towards his window, as he pulled out his cigarettes.

"You ladies should probably go. He's right I am a bad influence."

Lissa and Rose exchanged abrupt looks then quickly followed me down the hall toward the lobby.

"That was…strange." said Rose after a few minutes.

"Very." I agreed. What had come over him? I shook those thoughts away. It didn't really matter now; I needed to talk to Rose.

When we reached the lobby, Rose almost began to follow Lissa back to their rooms but I stopped her.

"Rose. Can I talk to you?" I asked.

She turned towards me and stepped off to the side of the room, out of the way of those passing through.

"That's Adrian Ivashkov." I stressed the name in the same way everyone else did. Adrian didn't exactly have a very good reputation when it concerned women and alcohol.

"Yeah, I know."

"This is the second time I see you with him."

"Yeah" she replied glibly. "We hang out sometimes."

I cocked an eyebrow, turning my head back towards the Ivashkov wing. "You hang out in his room a lot?"

"What happens between him and me is none of your business." I almost flinched at the old words I had used while making a similar comment about Tasha and I.

I tried not to dwell on it and kept my voice at a professional level. I was her mentor, nothing more. "Actually as long as you're at the Academy, what you do is my business."

"Not my personal life. You don't have any say in that" she retorted.

"You're not an adult yet."

"I'm close enough. Besides it's not like I'll magically become an adult when I turn 18."

"Clearly" I replied almost instantly regretting my words. I hated arguing with her…

"That's not what I meant. I meant-"

"I know what you meant." I interrupted. "And the technicalities don't matter right now. You're an academy student. I'm your instructor. It's my job to keep you safe. Being in the bedroom of someone like him… well, that's not safe." Student and instructor…that's all we can be. I almost lost myself in her eyes until her next comment brought me back to reality.

"Speaking of personal lives… I suppose you were off visiting Tasha, huh?"

I held back a sigh. "Actually, I was visiting your mother."

"You going to hook up with her too?"

'Oh, Rose, Rose what am I going to do with you?' I thought to myself giving her a weary glance.

"No we were looking over some new data about the Strigoi in the Drozdov attack."

I probably shouldn't be mentioning any of this to a student, but she was right. She was responsible, and I shouldn't be treating her as a child. Besides she had a right to know.

Her expression grew serious. "What'd you find out?" she asked quietly.

"We've managed to track some of the Strigoi."

End of Flashback

Standing in this room now almost brought tears to my eyes. Why had I waited so long to openly act on my feelings for her? How could I have possibly thought that I could put any moroi's life ahead of hers?

I had to wait till the end to actually act on my feelings. We had everything figured out… I shook my head, no use feeling sorry for myself.

"How do you enter her dreams?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice. I had almost forgotten about him, I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed him standing right in front of me.

"I- I don't know. It just happens, sometimes she's in my dreams, and sometimes she's not."

He almost glared at me. "Your aura seems… I'm not sure. There's a few shadows, but not as many as Rose's. It's faded...Strigoi don't usually keep their auras. I don't understand why you still have yours."

His expression seemed curious, with a mixture of anger. I wasn't sure why though, it's not like I was entering her dreams on purpose, or anybody else's for that matter. I still wasn't even sure I believed any of this was even real, maybe I really was going insane.

Adrian glared at me. "You've put Rose through enough pain as it is, she has to many things going on right now. What, with the hunting you down, the pregnancy and leaving her best friend. You showing up in her dreams every other night …she just doesn't need that right now."

I nodded. He was right to a certain extent. Pregnancy… I would've been a father. I never thought that to be possible…not with Rose at least. I repressed a sigh, thoughts of what could've been the future racing through my head. Raising out child together, teaching him or her everything we knew…

I shook those thoughts out of my head.

"Listen, Adrian. I was able to escape the strigoi who changed me… he was planning on using me to lure Rose, in order to capture Lissa. You have to make sure she goes back to the Academy, she'll be safe there. Away from them…and away from me." I fought back some more tears. These past weeks have really taken quite an emotional toll on me. "Tell her… tell her I'll miss her, and that as soon as I find a way to kill them…I'll come back to her and let her do what she has been hunting me for. As for the dreams, I don't know how to make those stop."

Adrian studied me for a few moments; shock and confusion written all over his face.

"I- I believe you. Your aura shows your emotions and I can feel your telling me the truth." He sighed. "I just don't understand…your strigoi but you still have a soul…you still have an aura. It's not supposed to be possible." His eyebrows narrowed in frustration as he thought this over.

The whole soul thing was actually news to me. These past weeks I had been considering myself a soulless monster. My thoughts returned to the boy from earlier…the one I had apparently killed. No… I was still a monster. At least a part of me must be.

My surroundings began to blur and so did Adrian. "Keep her safe!" I shouted, before the dream faded away, not sure whether he heard me or not.

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