Forever Surviving, Forever Lost
A Surviving Sam fanfic
Forever lost, forever gone,
We'll never get to sing our song;
Here today, gone tomorrow,
My heart will shadow with all my sorrow—
I wish you were here to share my pain,
To help me know my prayers are not in vain;
Why should death take away my soul?
Why should life think you weren't solid gold?
You were everything a boy should be:
Caring, sharing, there for me,
Better than the best,
Much better than the rest,
You were Sam,
You were a major part of who I am…
Or was it 'who I was?'
Are you gone forever? Or is it just because…
Of me?
Is there something I forgot to see?
That faithful day, the day like no other,
The day I lost my only twin brother,
Could I have stopped you from falling down?
From dying alone without any sound?
Was it I that caused this, this horrible rift,
This even that made our entire world shift?
It's not my fault? You never answer.
I wish it weren't an avalanche, I wish it were cancer!
I'd rather you be gone from many moments
Than a mere second, a sudden moment…
Of snow, of ice, and of rock,
A pain like no other, the kind that brings shock;
That's what we faced, that is why you are gone,
That is why I'll never be able to look upon…
September, January, our little dates,
Your favorite number, the number eight;
It's not the same, it's all a dream,
Why aren't I waking? Why isn't it serene?
SAM! Where are you? I'm all alone,
By myself with no one, a shattered home;
It's been destroyed by a second, a moment of weakness,
Of paralysis, and a glimpse into the abyss;
That was three years ago, this is now,
And this is the story of how somehow,
I am going to live without you,
Without Sam, my better half, the only person I knew
Better than myself, better than me,
Someone I would smile when I see,
But now it's only tears…about yesterday's exit,
How our moment of peril and havoc
Ripped me like a razor blade,
Or something sharp, filled with hate and white-hot rage
Because of you…not being here,
Because of you…and the fact that you disappeared…
Sam, I'm dying too,
But not in the same way as you,
Mine is my own doing, nothing like your own,
Not like one moment you're here, the next you're gone;
It's slow, which is understandable,
Because in case you haven't guessed it, I don't have a handle…
On life, on anything,
On winter, autumn, summer, or spring…
On what was taken from me, from us, from us all,
All because of one little fall…
I miss you, in case you haven't noticed,
And it will continue as I picture the roses
For our parent's wedding, their faithful day,
Because I'm better now, it's time to play,
To understand life and how it never went away…
Like you did some time ago,
When I was a child who believed that life was gold—
You were gold, the solid kind,
Not like the type that cost a dime;
We were inseparable, yet we are separate now,
And one day, though I don't know how,
You'll see me wear this dress for real,
(And not just for Boob, and definitely not teal)
And we'll be like a fairytale couple,
Solid through time, reunited in the end, and…blissful,
Like Cinderella in the end…
We'll become like old friends,
Because we'll be one, not separate and hollow,
Like I was last spring, last summer, and last fall,
And I promise, with all my heart,
I'll never leave you, and we'll never depart…
Ever. Sam and Pagan,
One part, one unit, forever and again;
We'll be inseparable,
And never again will I be miserable…
Like I was…
But I'm better now, and it's all because…
Of a pill no less,
But my life was destroyed and such a mess.
I'm better now, experiencing life,
Living it to the fullest and being the hype,
Of my new college, of swim team, of your past,
The one I'm finishing, what was never your last
Moment to live, because it's my turn now,
To see who I am, to discover how…
To cope in a world filled with such danger,
With married Mom and Dad and hopefully no baby in the manger;
It's like it's over now, the pain and the grief,
The curtain has fallen into a burning heap.
This is now farewell nor is it goodbye,
It is hello for now, a promise not to cry,
I promise to stay here by your side.
I'll see you in my dreams, my glorious brother,
The only one I'll ever call my signinificant other…
Until tomorrow sheds light on new things,
New times, new happenings, and new beginnings.
I'm walking away now, but not into the light,
Just into the world, back into Saturday night.
See you soon, Sam. I survived the storm,
I survived my heart being torn…
I survived.
A/N Deep, yes? In case you haven't read this, it's AMAZING. The book is called Surviving Sam and I totally just spoiled it, but…she rambles more than this. So, check out Surviving Sam by Karen Rivers next time you get a chance, and learn about the even deeper meaning behind this poem. Reviews, flames, and compliments are accepted [yes, I give you permission to flame me…because it is only fair]
~DarkAngelSnapeLover~