Disclaimer: I know this comes as a shock to you all, but I do not own Stargate. If any of you do and wish to give it to me, I would gladly accept it, but I'm pretty sure you don't own it either.
Funny Tale Not Related to the Story: I just came from my Religion and Science class, where my professor was talking about Carl Sagan's view that life could exist on other planets. He was explaining how the theory fit into the Star Trek universe because there would be different species due to their own evolution. He added that Carl Sagan probably would not support the Stargate universe in which the galaxy was populated by the ancient humans of Earth. I have a new favorite professor.
A/N: There's not a lot of action in this chapter, but I should mention that the uniforms that are mentioned in this chapter are the ones seen in Abyss. Oh, and digital cookies (as in the sugar or chocolate chip kind) to everyone who catches the S/J reference in this chapter.
A Terrible Mistake
By CountryPixie
Chapter Three
"Drive-in movie."
"Nope," Sam said, shaking her head.
Cam sighed. "Cow tipping."
"Not even close," she chuckled.
"In-line skating."
"No." Sam grinned, wriggling the nine fingers she held up. "Only one more. Make it a good one."
"Damn," Cam said, leaning his head back on the wall he was sitting against, having decided to forego sitting in one of the chairs. He was silent for several minutes before he suddenly leaned forward. "Okay, I got it," he declared. "Rock climbing."
Cam had thought it was impossible for Sam's smile to get even bigger, but it did. "Strike ten. I win."
"What's the answer?"
"Fruit picking," Sam said simply.
"Fruit picking? You picked fruit on your first ever date? No wonder he didn't last."
"No, it was really sweet," Sam defended. "We picked strawberries and then ate them for dessert after the picnic he packed for us."
"So what was wrong with him?"
Sam hesitated. "Carter?" Cam pushed. Even Teal'c looked over from his post near the door.
"My dad made me break up with him when he found out that Jason was nineteen and I was fifteen. I guess I've always had a thing for older guys." Realizing what she had just said, Sam tried to deflect attention away from herself.
"So what's your most embarrassing secret, Cam?"
"Aw, you don't want to hear it," Cam said, trying to weasel his way out.
"You are incorrect, Colonel Mitchell. We would very much like to hear it."
Cam turned to face Teal'c. "Now, hold on there, Benedict Arnold. The bet was that I had to tell Carter my most embarrassing secret if I lost. I don't have to tell you." Teal'c acknowledged the fact with a small bow.
"He's going to find out anyway, so you might as well just say it," Sam said, clearly enjoying seeing Cam squirm.
"Why would he…? Oh, all right. But this doesn't go beyond this room." Taking a deep breath, Cam said, "My high school's mascot was a bee, and we had this huge statue of him – fourteen feet tall at least. If our football team won the homecoming game, the MVP always got to place a crown on his head. I was the MVP my senior year, so I got to do it. On my way back down the ladder, my pant leg somehow got caught on a part of Buzzy. I ended up losing my balance and falling off in front of the whole school."
"That's really not that embarrassing," Sam pointed out.
"Oh, it gets better," Cam said. Sam mimed zipping her mouth and motioned for Cam to continue.
"I was a little dazed from the fall, but I looked up and saw a pair of pants hanging from Buzzy. Yep, you got it. Mine," Cam said, pointing to himself.
At this point, Sam burst out laughing. "You started losing your pants that long ago?"
"Colonel Mitchell, I have never known another human to lose his pants as often as you have." Sam only laughed harder.
"Hey, it's not my fault!" Cam protested.
Sam was about to continue teasing him when Teal'c held a hand up to silence them. Hearing footsteps, Teal'c immediately hid out of sight by the door so that he could ambush whoever walked through. He tensed in preparation when the door opened, but no one walked through.
"This room now has a force field surrounding it, so any attempt to escape will be pointless. Teal'c, please join Colonels Mitchell and Carter in the middle of the room." Teal'c scowled as he walked towards his teammates.
"It's not like it ever works anyway," Cam said consolingly.
Kasdi, now dressed in the uniform Ba'al reserved for his most faithful jaffa, entered the room, followed by two of the guards. Smiling smugly, he said, "I have just been informed that my men have captured your two companions. They should be along any time now."
"What are you going to do with us?" Sam asked.
"I am going to do nothing. You will all remain here, untouched, until Lord Ba'al arrives."
"We've been over this already! He's dead," Cam said.
"If my Lord had not ordered that you not be harmed, I would kill you where you stand for such blasphemy."
Before anyone could respond, there was a commotion in the hall. After lots of yelling and a thud that sounded suspiciously like someone being shoved against a wall, Daniel was soon pushed through the doorway with such force that he went skidding across the floor on his left side, only stopping when he slammed into the base of one of the chairs with a resounding thud. Vala was led in behind him with a guard gripping each arm. Their teammates could only stare in shock at both the violence of the entrance and their attire – or lack thereof.
Kasdi stood silent for a few seconds, clearly not expecting his prisoners to arrive with such little clothing. Clearing his throat to get everyone's attention, he said, "You will be summoned when Lord Ba'al arrives." With that, he took the guards and left.
"Great job, Vala," Daniel said sarcastically as he stood up, rubbing his shoulder. "That plan worked so well."
"How was I supposed to know any visitors had to be brought in? It would have worked if not for that."
"No," Daniel began, but Cam cut him off.
"Whoa! Everyone just settle down." Daniel and Vala continued to glare at each other, but they didn't say anything else. "Now," Cam said, "you guys alright?" They both nodded. "Well then, does someone want to explain what happened to your clothes?"
"Vala disintegrated them with her zat."
"You agreed to it."
"There didn't seem to be any other option at the time!"
"Agreed, so can we please move past this?"
"Fine," Daniel huffed.
"Fine." The pair descended into silence once again. "What?" Vala asked when she noticed the other three still staring at them.
"Why are y'all in your undies?" Cam asked again.
"How much do you know about what's going on here?" Daniel asked, waving his hands around to indicate that he was talking about their captivity rather than lack of clothes.
"Not much," Sam answered. She shot a puzzled look at Teal'c as he took off his jacket. Her confusion dissipated as Teal'c handed his jacket to Vala, who accepted it with a smile. "We only know that Ba'al's behind it and it supposedly on his way."
"Yeah, Shorty doesn't seem to realize that ain't gonna happen," Cam added as he gave his own jacket to Daniel.
"Well, from what we've been able to figure out, Ba'al designed this whole town as a trap for us. He must have studied some history while he was living on Earth, because he used his knowledge to set up this town so that he knew I'd be unable to stay away if I ever learned of it. The town's reputation for causing trouble got our attention, and it meant we'd be coming in undercover without most of our gear," Daniel explained. While he was talking, he and Vala had wordlessly switched jackets since Teal'c's fell right off of Vala.
"I've got about twenty other questions now, but you still didn't answer my first one."
"A member of the resistance stopped Vala and I on our way to the village and took us to his house with the story that I was his brother and Vala was my new wife. It would have worked, but Shorty, as you called him, made everyone change out of the suits and dresses and turn them in."
"Yes, yes, yes," Vala said. "Then some men searched the houses, and our only option was to disintegrate the clothes, jump into bed, and have sex."
"What?!" Sam and Cam both exclaimed, while Teal'c raised both eyebrows and Daniel spluttered as if he'd just been pulled from a river after nearly drowning.
"We did not have sex!" he shouted.
"Of course not, darling, but that's what we had to make it look like."
Daniel was still making odd noises, so Cam jumped in. "Here's a question: Why did you have to disintegrate the clothes?"
"So the search party wouldn't see them on the floor," Vala explained.
"Why didn't ya jump into bed fully dressed? There was a blanket, wasn't there?"
"Any thorough search would have required them to check under the blanket. It would hardly make sense for newlyweds to be fully clothed in bed," Vala said.
"Besides, we had about ten seconds to come up with the plan," Daniel defended. "You'd have done the same thing in our situation."
"No, Jackson, I don't think I would have. I would've had Vala distract the men like she does so well, sneak up behind them and knock 'em out silently, and then get any guys that had stayed in the hall. Even I could have kept my pants on in that situation." He glared at Sam when she snorted in disbelief.
"It doesn't matter anymore," Vala interjected. "We're all here now, so how do we get out? Sam?"
"Even though it looks like a Goa'uld mothership, there are absolutely no controls in this room. Ba'al obviously designed this room just for us."
"So it looks like we're stuck here until the Odyssey beams us out," Cam said.
Daniel and Vala exchanged looks. "I don't know that that's going to be possible," Daniel said.
"Why not?"
"The man that helped us said Ba'al had a device that detected us specifically when we stepped through the Gate," Vala said. "If Ba'al went to all of this trouble to trap us, I'm guessing he also has something to prevent us from beaming out."
"Okay, so we wait for the rescue team," Cam revised.
Vala bit her lip and gave an apologetic grimace, saying, "Daniel and I were taken through several entryways to get to this facility. They were all hidden very well."
"What Vala's trying to say is that there's really no hope that any team would ever find this place."
"Yeah, we got that, thanks. There has to be something we can do." Looking from one face to another, Cam got the distinct feeling he was the only one who believed that.
Fun Fact: My brother-in-law is from Auburn, Kansas (Mitchell's hometown), so I asked him if the high school mascot really was a bee (or whatver that thing was the scared Vala in Bounty) Turns out the town has about twenty thousand less citizens than in the show, which had the population at around twenty-one thousand, so Auburn doesn't even have a high school. The students attend the nearby Washburn school district, and the mascot there is the Ichabod, a man who looks an awful lot like Mr. Monopoly. Just thought you guys should know.
A/N: Like I said, not a lot of action in this chapter. There's more in the next one, I promise. Please review and let me know if this chapter was enjoyable, or if I should never try to do humor again.