A/N: Thanks for all the feedback. It really helping these babies come along. I was originally planning to write stand alone ficlets but they have become a sort of mini story I was going to wait to post this until GaGirl made good on her one shot deal but I know she will come through and I am leaving for the beach today. Besides its better for you guys to hate me while I am gone so I can make it up to you later. Another bit of angst. I promise the next part won't be so heavy handed.
Part Three: Unshared News
Sometimes he would think about her. He would be working or walking and suddenly something would hit him, the smell of fries, a blue shirt, a song that they had never danced to but he had always intended to. He had plans that had never been formed into words, a future that he had carried in his mind and heart that had never been realized. And sometimes when he had blocked her out, locked his mind against her name or smiles she would just appear, and he would feel that familiar tug at his heart strings.
"Hey. Long time." He started, appraising her red dress with his eyes.
"No see." She finished with a smile and he noted how the blue sky matched her eyes. He had missed her, one day she was a part of his life again, moments woven in where they would talk and smile, small things that made him live again. And then she was gone, yanked away and his morning cup of coffee was no longer something to look forward to and the stars didn't seem so bright on the roof.
"So…" He looked at his feet before his eyes found hers. "You guys must have gotten a new place. I haven't seen you around lately." He tried to mask the hint of pain in his voice.
"Yeah." She forced a smile, and John thought she looked tired, dull, not the shining woman he loved. It worried him. "Jess invited us to move back into Llandfair."
Us. Us used to be him and her. John and Natalie, Natalie and John, they went together hand in hand. "So things are better then? With your sister?"
She nodded. "Yeah, its better." She wasn't sure if that was the truth or a lie. Jessica was so different now. Natalie reckoned that was her fault, Nash's death hung in her mind, a dark cloud, making her question everything.
"That's good. I'm glad." And he was. He wanted Natalie to be happy, if anyone deserved joy she did. "So I guess you decided against that job at the station?" He said it off handedly, hoping that it didn't betray him, or how every time someone walked into the station he would be up from his desk in suspense that it was her. It never was, but the hope lingered. He had forgotten how much it all hurt, not having her in his life. Now it was a fresh wound and no amount of Jack seemed to numb the pan.
Natalie watched him with wary eyes. He seemed upset, agitated about something, that he was trying to hide and she contributed it to work or Marty but never to herself. John didn't get worked up over her anymore. It was only her stomach that flipped when she saw him.
"I'm just staying home and taking care of Bree and Jess. She is having a hard time and I want to be there for her and the new baby." She didn't tell him how she sometimes felt so envious that she thought she would burst. Jessica had been the only who had known, she had taken Natalie to the doctors and then to the hospital, but now she was wrapped in her own life. Sometimes Natalie thought Jessica showed her an outfit or a toy with a little too much relish, but that thought dissolved quickly, Jess wasn't like that. It wasn't her fault that every tiny blanket made her long for a future that was gone.
"Besides, " She continued, turning her body slightly from John's probing gaze. "Jared really didn't want me working there again."
There it was. Him. And John found himself popping his knuckles without thinking. Jared, he was not good enough for Natalie. No one was, not even himself, thought John. His mind tangled around itself and he wondered why Natalie would be with that guy, why him. "John." She called his name and he was snapped back to the present.
"It's okay." He lied. He had too. And then he saw it, it caught he sunlight for a brief instant, rainbows reflected on the park sidewalk. His stomach churned, pain erupted behind his eyes and he found himself grabbing the back of a near by bench, something to hold on to in a world that was suddenly slippery beneath his fingers. It had almost been them, then he blinked and it was him and her.
"John." There was an edge of hysteria in her voice. "Are you okay?"
Spots green and black danced before his eyes. He couldn't. He didn't crumble at the sight of jewelry. He took bullets like a man, but that pain was nothing compared to losing her. Pulling himself up, he looked at her. "Sorry. It's this new no caffeine diet Michael talked me in to." A lie, needed, justified.
"You? No caffeine? Was Michael trying to get you to shoot him?" Her gaze was so stead for a moment John thought that she had to see, that she had to know. "John, you don't look so well. Maybe we should get you a cup of coffee."
"No." He shook his head. "I'm fine." He needed to get away, he was drowning in her, in memories and moments that never were but have should have been. Her red dress, her strawberry scent, her fiery mane, John was drowning in flames that licked his heart and seared his chest.
There was an insistence in his voice that made her pull back, a dark glance that broke her heart. "If you're sure?" She wouldn't push, not anymore, that's all she had ever done to him. All her pushing didn't change anything, in fact she was pretty sure it had ruined everything. So she stood, statue mute, trapped in by her own fear.
"Yeah." Forcing a smile, he left, his hands clenched at his sides as he walked determinedly away. There was nothing else to do. He wouldn't ask her, he didn't want to know. And he thought how sometimes enough whiskey would let his mind forget, and wondered how much it would take for his heart to.