CHAPTER TWO
The next morning Bobby, his dress uniform offering not enough protection against the cold and wet, stood at attention outside the small Harlem church. Just as he'd decided not to attend the wake, he'd also decided to remain outside the church. Alex had entered with her two brothers who were cops. Not for the first time in his life, Bobby wished he wasn't so large and visible.
"Helluva thing," the cop standing to his right said.
"Yea," Bobby agreed.
"Makes you think…"
"Yea…"
"What unit you with?"
"Major Case."
"Oh…You guys get all the publicity…"
"Don't always want it…"
"Yea," the other cop said. "Hear you also get all the crazies and weirdos in the Department."
Bobby focused on the street in front of him. It was bad enough that he had a reputation as a weirdo; now it had spread to the entire squad. His experience at MacGuinness' funeral made him feel better about his decision to stay at One Police Plaza the next day during Sergeant Rocco's service. As he worked, he tried not to pay attention to the TV broadcasting the funeral. He did stop to watch the flag draped coffin carried into the church. Two older uniforms, unaware of Bobby's presence, stood in front of him.
"Didn't want to go, Eddie?" one asked the other.
"Went to the one yesterday," Eddie replied. "I went to the wake last night. Helluva thing, Tom."
"I thought I saw you last night. I went to the wake. I'm not much for church. The next time I'm in one will probably be for my funeral."
"Hope that's a long time away," Eddie said. He shook his head. "Stuff like this makes you thing…I gotta admit…If I wasn't so close to my pension…"
"Yea…I don't have long either," Tom said. "And if I was walking a beat…I'd be having serious second thoughts…I don't just want to fill up a uniform…I don't mind being in the bag, and I even still believe in the "Serve and Protect" stuff…But you start wondering about who you're serving and protecting."
"Yea," Eddie said. "And the stuff the Brass pulls. You know Goren…The big guy?"
"The weird, smart guy?"
Bobby froze. He knew he should at least let the cops know he was around, but he couldn't speak.
"That he is. And one of the best detectives on the force. I think maybe one of the best men. The fact Alex Eames is his partner says a lot. If I were a perp, Goren and Eames are the last two cops I'd want on my back. If I were in trouble, they're the first two I'd want helping me."
Bobby tried to understand the words of praise he heard.
"The Brass has never liked him. I've been at Major Case long enough to know some things. Whatever you've heard about Goren, if it comes from the Brass or a cop that doesn't know him, don't believe it," Eddie said.
"I heard a lot of rumors about him before I got here," Tom said. "Heard he got a couple of bad cops and a big time drug dealer when he was undercover. Any guy who gets rid of bad cops is good in my book."
Bobby carefully slipped back to his desk. "Maybe," he thought. "Maybe there are cops…"
Members of the squad began filtering in after the funeral. Many still wore their dress uniforms and grim faces. Alex, accompanied by Wheeler and Nichols, arrived. She wearily sat at her desk.
"Bad?" Bobby asked.
"Not good." Alex looked across the room at Megan Wheeler. "Poor kid…Looks like she's got the weight of the world on her…"
"You look like you're carrying a lot too," Bobby said gently.
"I think we're all carrying a lot today," Alex said.
A deep, long shadow covered the rest of the day. Everyone tried to deal with not only the loss of two good men, but the manifestation of a cop's worst fear. The Captain's "be careful" when he sent out officers rang deeper and truer than usual. Bobby watched all of this with jaded eyes. He knew this reaction would last for a couple of weeks. The memories and fears would fade away until the next shooting or accident, and the cycle would repeat. Bobby sat his pen down and rubbed his eyes.
"Hey," Alex asked. "You ok?"
"Just…All of this…It makes you think…"
"Sometimes you think so much that I can hear you," Alex said.
Bobby smiled wearily. "Yea…"
"Buy me a margarita tonight?" Alex asked. "We should be able to find some quiet, dark corner."
"That…That sounds good," Bobby said.
Ross showed no signs of trying to stop Major Case members from drifting away from the office early. Bobby and Alex encountered Zach Nichols and Megan Wheeler at the elevator. The quartet wasn't the last group of people to leave the squad room, but it was far from the first.
"I'm out of practice with this sort of thing," Nichols said. "I'm not sure what to do."
"And I haven't had a lot of practice…Which I guess is a good thing," Wheeler said. Her hands rested over her growing stomach, and Bobby suddenly thought that Wheeler might not return to the NYPD after the birth of her baby.
"You want to grab a drink?" Nichols asked. "Or better yet, some food?"
"Bobby and I know a good diner," Alex said. "It doesn't serve alcohol, which might be a good thing. The food's good."
"I thought you wanted a margarita," Bobby said.
"Right now," Alex said as she stepped on the elevator. "One wouldn't be enough…I'm not sure how many would be enough, and I don't think I want to find out."
Bobby led the way to the diner, which was close enough for a walk. Other cops who apparently needed or wished to avoid alcohol filled it. The four detectives found an empty booth, and Bobby apologetically slipped next to Alex and tried to keep his bulk from crushing her. They ate—or at least tried to eat—but only Wheeler really swallowed her food.
"Sorry," she said after a soup, salad, some of Alex's grilled chicken, parts of Nichols' veggie burger, and much of Bobby's pastrami disappeared inside her. "The kid's hungry…and doesn't care what she eats…"
"Remember those days, Bobby?" Alex asked. "I remember days where I ate my lunch, your lunch, and then sent you out for an afternoon snack."
"Like hobbits in THE LORD OF THE RINGS," Bobby smiled.
"What was that schedule? Morning breakfast…" Nichols said.
"Second breakfast," Wheeler said. "And luncheon…"
"Tea," Alex offerered.
"Supper and dinner if I remember right," Bobby said. "It's been a while since I read…"
"Great," Alex said. "I'm at the geek table."
"Just remember," Nichols said. "Geeks and nerds really run the world."
"All of this," Bobby said as he rotated his fork. "It…It makes you think about things…" He stopped, aware that he didn't know what everyone was thinking.
"Yea," Wheeler said eagerly, as if she was glad someone finally addressed the elephant sitting with them. "I gotta confess…I've been thinking about it a lot lately."
"We all think about it," Alex said.
"Yea," Nichols said after a moment. "I'm just getting used to thinking about it every day again."
Bobby continued to move his silverware around the table. "I…I don't think you ever get used to thinking about it. I'm not sure you should."
"But how…" Wheeler bit her lip.
"How do you do the job with it floating around in your head? I don't know." Bobby shook his head.
Alex studied her partner. They talked about many things, things she could only talk about with him. This was one of those subjects, but she realized she didn't really know how Bobby felt about it.
"I don't know," Megan said. "If I can do the job and have a kid…I don't know if I could do that to my kid."
Silence covered the table for several minutes.
"Look, Megan," Alex said. "Don't let anybody make any decisions for you. Don't let anyone tell you you're a coward because you want to do right by your kid. That's your priority."
"And you're certainly not a coward," Nichols said. "I'll testify to that."
"Thank you," Wheeler said.
"Right now," Nichols said. "I really don't have anyone to worry about besides myself. Maybe that's good."
"Yea," Bobby said as he rearranged his silverware. "I'm in that state too…Except…Maybe…For my partner…"
"Thank you," Alex said. "You're high on my list."
"Is that a good thing?" Nichols asked. "If you get too close to your partner?"
"Well, it's better than disliking your partner," Alex said, uncomfortable with the conversation's turn. "I can tell you that from experience…Some of the guys in Vice…"
Bobby, his mind turning to the partners who ignored him or dropped him, sat silently. He became aware that his table partners waited for him to say something.
"Sorry…Lost in my head," he said. "Which happens a lot…"
"Well," Wheeler said as she slipped out of the booth and left several bills on the table. "Time for me to go home and try to sleep. Thank you. All of this may have helped me be able to get some sleep."
"I'll walk with you until you get a cab," Nichols said. He pulled out his wallet and also dropped several bills on the table. "We square?"
"Yea," Alex said, checking the bill. "You've both probably left too much, but we'll give the waitress a good tip."
"Good," Nichols said. "You two take care."
Bobby nodded. "You too," Alex said.
Bobby and Alex sat silently as Nichols and Wheeler left. After a few moments, Alex looked up at Bobby.
"I never knew," she said softly. "That you thought about that kinda stuff…That you were…Afraid…"
He began moving his silverware again. "It's not so much that I'm afraid of getting killed," he said, looking the elephant squarely in the face. "As I am of getting hurt or not being able to help someone."
"Do you…Do you ever think…" Alex spun her empty coffee cup in her hands. "That the job isn't worth it?"
"Never the job," Bobby answered. "The stuff around the job…The stuff that keeps me from doing the job…Yea…That makes me wonder…But…Most of the time…I have a job that lets me protect people…Helps people…Lets me use my brain. And…And…" He swallowed. "It…I mean…I understand if it's different for you…"
"What do you mean?"
"You…You have a family…You have Nate and a life…"
"So…I'm not like you…I'm more valuable than you…"
"Everyone is more valuable than me…Especially you," Bobby said softly.
"How…How can you say that?" Alex struggled to control her voice.
"Because it's true. Let's face it , Eames…I'd be the last guy in the lifeboat."
"You wouldn't be anywhere near the lifeboat…I didn't know my partner was suicidal…"
Bobby stared at her. "Oh…Alex…I didn't mean…I…I'm not…I…I don't want to die…I'm careful…I don't rush into things…You know that…"
Alex calmed slightly. "It's just…It makes me so angry when other people attack you. To hear you say things…"
"It's not…It's not that I think I'm worthless or anything like that." Bobby struggled to explain himself. "It's…I'm supposed to protect people…"
"But what if the people aren't worth it? Or not grateful?"
"That…I can't make those distinctions," Bobby said. "We…We can't…We protect people…We save them…You hope that they're good people or will become good people…But we have to do what we do…"
Alex's anger cooled as he spoke. "I…I'm sorry…I know these things. I agree with you. It's just…"
"I know," Bobby said. "Like we keep saying…Something like this. It makes you think."
"I think I'll take a mental health day tomorrow…See Nate…Think about other things."
"That sounds like a good idea…I may do the same."
"If I'm going to do that, I need to get going."
Bobby walked Alex back to One Police Plaza to her car.
"You got a way home?" she asked as she unlocked the car.
"Yea." Bobby didn't tell her he was thinking about returning to Major Case to work. He suspected she knew that.
"Ok," Alex said. "I may not see you tomorrow. You take care of yourself. Try to stay out of trouble. Get some rest."
"I'll try." Bobby smiled.
Alex looked around the empty garage, hesitated, and faced Bobby. She stood on her toes, wrapped her arms around his neck, and gently hugged him.
"Remember," she said as she opened her door and slipped behind the wheel. "You're worth a lot…A lot…Think about that."
He tried not to think too much as he watched her drive away.
END
I suspect some were expecting something more dramatic and longer, but this came to me as something of a meditation.