Chapter Three
Past The Mission

Everyone wanted something from him

Well I did too but I shut my mouth

He just gave me a smile...

Steel walls surrounded her and the gray sheets did nothing to warm her. They were her only friends and they were all she wanted. Selfishly, she slept away for days and each time she opened her eyes to gaze around the empty room, her head pounded worse than before in need of more and more sleep.

Turning to lie on her stomach, Alyx closed her eyes.

"No one is looking hard enough!"

The voice was full of anger and that anger was truly frightening but Alyx was safely hidden away and so instead of cowering, it only made her want to giggle. Covering her mouth with one tiny hand, Alyx looked through the bars of the air vent and knew from Dr. Kleiner's stories of Old Black Mesa that it was practically a sort of initiation to climb through them.

However, ever since Dr. Keliner captured a head humper to keep as a "pet", even Barney didn't much like the idea of climbing through the air vents anymore, but Alyx knew Lamarr would only nibble on ya.

As she remembered Dr. Kleiner telling her of Barney and Dr. Freeman climbing through the air vents she imagined herself in that situation. Fighting the zombies and head humpers when no one knew what the hell they were doing there.

Secretly, Alyx called the man Gordon in her mind. Barney and her dad did the same out loud but Alyx always felt awkward calling him Gordon when speaking about him or asking questions about him, but in her mind he was Gordon and on lonely nights when she was especially missing her mother or when her dad was working late and could not tuck her in, she imagined he was there talking to her.

She did not know what he would say or what he would sound like, but she told him about Barney teaching her how to shoot and she made up stories for him to tell her about everything that had gone wrong.

"Alyx!" Her dad was truly bellowing and she bit down on her bottom lip to stop from laughing.

When Dog suddenly appeared under her, her amusement stopped and she became scared. If her dad found her in the air shaft she would be so dead. She was hoping to stealthily climb away and use her tools to open the grate in Barney's bunk so she could swing down and scare him.

He called her his little monkey and she called him her big dweeb. It was a loving relationship where Barney was constantly bragging about the fact that he could beat her up. Not for long, though, she was training and once she got a little taller she was sure she could take him.

"Shoo!" Alyx whispered, hoping Dog would listen this time. The robot was only a few years old and a few feet tall. With all the shouting going on about Alyx, it sensed she was in trouble and finding her unharmed in an air shaft confused the poor robot into standing their with its held tilted comically.

Rolling over in her bed, Alyx opened her eyes and looked up at the ceiling. The sunlight coming through her tiny window was gone, she noticed. Wasn't it just morning when she rolled onto her stomach?

There was too much blood. Alyx was used to blood, she saw it a lot in her training and it never had phased her, but she had never seen so much of it coming out of her dad.

The medics shoved her from the room, but not before she heard one of them say, "We'll have to cut it off."

Barney and Dog kept her company but Barney did not speak. Dog kept its head in Alyx's lap and she tried to busy herself by taking one of her tools out from her belt and tightening a few of his loose bolts, but her hands were shaking too much.

Seeing this, Barney reached forward and held onto her hands. She thought to herself, This is the first time someone unrelated to me has held my hands. It was unromantic though and Alyx felt like she was with a protective and dorky big brother as she leaned her head against his chest. She felt safe.

Stretching, Alyx sat up but the room began to spin and her head felt too heavy for that much movement. When she laid back into her bed to stop the world from spinning she noticed the water and soup set out for her on the table near her bed but she did not bother with them as she was more concerned with closing her eyes once more.

Barney was gone and would be gone for a long time, he said. Her father was just getting better and able to start walking again with his prosthetic leg.

Alyx felt like crying but the room was too crowded for that, she would feel silly and childish. The world was too old for children. That's what Dr. Mossman told her when Alyx hid in the air vents just to get a reaction from her father.

Everyone crowded her father and there was no room for her to squeeze through. For a few minutes they all patted him on the back and congratulated him on a quick recovery, but the next minute it was back to business. They had lost valuable time while he was getting mended, didn't he know? They had much work to do and less and less time to do it as days go by.

Every day they were not found was a gift.

Alyx left the room and one of the doctors saw she was not doing anything and assigned her to take Dog and deliver some supplies to Ravenholme. Sounded easy enough. After all, she had not been outside in a long time and Ravenholme was always a friendly place to be.

Alyx opened her eyes and forced them to stay open. A sick feeling had settled into her stomach as she thought of that last trip to Ravenholme. All the moaning, the cries of pain...

Sitting up, she fought back the cloudiness that threatened to take over and concentrated on how thirsty and hungry she was and how badly she really needed to visit the restroom.

Rising to her feet, Alyx had to hang onto her bed as her legs refused to work for a moment and she almost toppled onto the floor.

"Woah. That's never happened after a nap before..." Alyx muttered, her words slurring together. She was not sure how long she had been sleeping but she knew that it had not been long enough. The only thing keeping her from crawling back into her warm, safe cocoon were the threat of nightmares.

She looked down and saw that she was wearing sweats and a thin shirt that smelled bad but then she realized that was her own body odor she was smelling, not the laundry detergent or lack there of.

When testing the water, Alyx saw that the shower turned on and she realized that must mean it was Shower Day, and if she remembered correctly, Tuesdays were always Shower Day.

Which meant she had been sleeping for the better part of three days. What was wrong with her? Had she been drugged? The last thing she could remember before falling into her bed was being carried back by Dog, the scientists fretting over the body while Gordon lay unconscious and unattended to a few feet away.

She had clutched onto Dog, thankful for her robot companion in the place of her absent human ones, of course that was what the machine had always been for, to stand in for the absent things in her life. She could feel him be gentle and compassionate with her much like she was sure masters could feel the feelings in their pets they were close to. The emotion should not have been there considering what Dog was but then there were many things that should not be.

Such as the dead body of her father. The aliens infesting her planet that was probably originally an awesome place. Emotions in her pet robot, real and raw and calculated. None of it made sense or added up and she hated it when it didn't add up.

Realizing she was standing under the water for far longer than was allowed, Alyx scrubbed at her hair and skin furiously in an attempt to get clean in a hurry. The water changed randomly from hot to cold but she was used to that.

There were no towels and so Alyx shook her short hair with her fingers to help it dry and used her bedsheets to help dry off her body as her room was very cold now.

Her regular clothes lay on the floor looking as if they had been folded neatly but she must have ruined that when she was stumbling for the toilet.

Putting her comfortable and worn clothes on made her feel almost whole again. The blood stains were out of her jacket and she decided she could duct tape over the holes when she got the chance... until then it just added some character.

She wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all as she forced herself to worry about her clothes being too torn or the temperature of her room but instead she ran a shaky hand through her hair. What could she do? Dog had waited until she had exhausted herself with sobs before carrying her away and she knew that if she started again she would exhaust herself, collapse to the floor or her bed and sleep forever and ever if she let herself. Waste away into nothing and become as empty as the future.

That was pessimistic even for her.

Patting her thighs a little too erratically to look casual, she distracted herself with jittery movements so that she could focus on what to do rather than what to think.

Right now I should... go see if the world ended while I was asleep. Alyx decided suddenly through the fogginess that still clouded her mind. There was no longer any clarity there and she knew it would be a long time coming but she refused to think of what she would have to go through to get it back, would she be losing a piece of her soul to walk out of her room looking over everything and ready to be of service or should she continue to wallow in misery and let everyone see she was a hair away from turning into the resident basket case? Barney would have to take her out back and put a bullet to her if she went too loony. Food shouldn't be wasted on the ones who were already dead and didn't know it.

No that was wrong, that was not what she believed. She walked down the hallway and to the elevator as she thought all this, not sure where she wanted to go or what she wanted to do. So she went on autopilot and let her feet do the walking and counted the bars out loud to stop her jumbly thoughts.

"You're awake!" Dr. Magnusson shouted abruptly. Sympathy was not his forte and so Alyx recognized him pointing out the obvious in his outside voice in an attempt not to have to be the one to ask how she was feeling, would she like something hot to drink and talk about emotions? Maybe he was hoping if he shouted enough she would burst into tears and run out of the room. Wouldn't that be the healthy thing to do? Wouldn't that show them all that she was not passing her own father's death off like another fallen soldier?

Of course that wasn't what she was doing. Of course he couldn't wish or think that. Alyx knew she was simply being paranoid, or at least she knew she really hoped she was just being paranoid.

"That is a uh... surprise." Dr. Kleiner said in a much more gentle voice.

"Don't tell me I'm the only one?" Alyx said, looking for her faithful mechanical companion and the two founding members of the Black Mesa Dork Club. Barney and Gordon... she would have to let him know that he was added to the club in her mind now that he was hanging around. She had originally named Barney as the single founder of that particular club but now she would have to fix that. He used to try and get her back for that so much, catching her at her worst moments for a surprise attack and then passing it off as keeping her on her toes for the field.

Until her dad yelled at the pair of them for breaking one of the computers during a tussle. The vein got all poppy in his neck and everything.

It hurt Alyx's face to smile at the bittersweet memory and so she did not. "When did Barney arrive?" she asked, desperately needing someone else other than the two doctors she was currently stuck with. Especially if she was going to get through this. Doctors Magnusson and Kleiner, while part of the family, were not especially emotion savvy and so she felt she had a much better chance of her thoughts running awry and making herself loony if she stuck with them for much longer. Especially since they were being unusually quiet...

It wasn't until the pair of them exchanged a very nervous and very familiar look that she knew something was most definitely up.

Barely ten minutes later, Alyx was riding the back of Dog through the forest. The doctors had shouted after her about dangers and told her she shouldn't go alone and maybe it was because she was remembering all the times her father had tried too hard to protect her or maybe she was remembering all the times he had had faith in her or maybe she was just remembering everything about her father and how deeply she loved him and the two men who forgot to invite her along for the ride again, but whatever it was it was causing her to leave White Forest like a mad woman with something to prove.

Finding Gordon was simple enough. All one ever had to do was follow the road paved with dead bodies.

When she jumped off Dog's back, something flared inside of her when she saw the fun was all over and Gordon was smiling at her. Of course, that was all she should have expected from him. Once she had run to hug him being so grateful to find he was alive and alright but no, she comes running to the aide - albeit a little late - and all he can do is stay where he is and give her a little patronizing smile.

What was she expecting, a high five? A hug? Voluntary contact with her? Hell, even a 'I'm sure as Hell am glad to see you Alyx' would have been a little appreciated instead of the whole mystery shy guy act he kept up around her.

He has to talk sometime right? I mean he's the damn One Free Man! He's supposedly good friends with everyone and a great guy to hang out with. Of course, that's everyone but me I guess. This bitter anger was uncalled for and on some level she knew it but mostly at the moment all she knew was that Gordon Freeman was driving her crazy just for smiling at her. Didn't he know... anything?

She wasn't aware of what she was doing until she did it and as her fist hurt and Gordon lay in the dirt looking up at her with shock marring his usually stoic features, her red hot anger ebbed into something much more raw and alarming. Something confusing. Embarrassment, hurt, anger, misery. Was it possible to suddenly, if only for a second, be filled with every emotion possible just from the way someone looked up at you? Particularly someone with askew glasses and a small red spot forming on his jaw?

Alyx was going to explode if she did not leave soon, and she did not know what the consequences of that would be and she did not want Gordon to think any less of her should it happen.

Still, she knelt down so that her face was close to his and she almost broke when she recognized all the confusion in his eyes along with something else. Something foreign yet familiar. Something she was desperate to put a name to but was too pessimistic that day to even dare.

"You left me Gordon." She whispered and tried not to let herself loose it as her voice cracked, her eyes filled with tears and her throat clenched up. If she lost it there was no coming back and she didn't want Gordon to see her like that, not again. She didn't want him to think she was always this damsel in distress who needed rescuing from everything. Some things she could do on her own. "You left me." She frowned and began to shake her head a little as she said, "But that's fine." She tried to smile but it was a shaky smile, one corner of her lips was twitching. "I don't need to be looked after anymore. Not by anyone."

She did not wait for a response but then she was not expecting one and she walked into the very shabby looking building. As she walked away, she blinked furiously and focused on the fact that there were people there, Barney's people.

"Where's Barney, huh? I haven't seen the goof in weeks."

One of them took her inside and her nose wrinkled at the mixed smell of strong medicine kits at work and head-humper stench still stuck to the place.

Any hope she had of keeping any sort of calm nearly drained away when she saw Barney laying on a very beat up mattress looking as white as the sheets she had slept in the past three days.

"How's he doing?" She asked softly. A medic walked towards her and she recognized the look on his face. He was debating what to tell her, if he should leave anything out or if he should just full out lie to her. He was debating because she was a woman and she obviously would not be able to handle the truth. "Tell me."

The medic nodded with a small frown. This was every day stuff for the guy. People he tried to save died. It happened. Not every one of them had someone asking about their well-being, though.

"Calhoun isn't doing so hot. The majority of us agree it might be in everyone's best interest to... let him go..." She could tell the man was trying to put it delicately but Alyx's first instinct was to get emotional, well fine then maybe she couldn't handle the truth but it was not because she was a woman. It was because that was Barney Calhoun and as a general rule to get ahead in life, you don't harm Barney Calhoun. Hell, someone had already broken rule number one about her father and now the universe wanted to see what it could get away with? I really don't think so.

"What do you mean 'letting him go'!? He isn't a mutt!" Alyx was aware of her voice rising in volume and shrillness but it was getting the desired affect. Sort of.

"We simply don't have the supplies for him here and we don't know that he would make it to White Forest with his wounds. It would be in everyone's best interests if we instead use our time and supplies on people who actually have a chance - "

"You're not telling me he doesn't have a chance." Alyx told him in a low voice, remembering her own survival thanks to the Vortigaunts and Gordon Freeman. Alyx called in Dog and the robot came obediently, taking up much of the tiny room due to his size. "We're taking him with us to White Forest, where he will have a chance."

"You can't move him, it would only worsen his wounds!" The medic said desperately, moving to stand in front of Barney though he had to scramble out of the way when Dog stepped forward to gently pick up the wounded man, just as he had picked up Alyx three days ago.

"Don't you tell me what we can't do." Alyx said before hopping on the back of Dog. He could not use his front two legs but could still easily gallop and so he did and they left the disappointing party behind them. Alyx was going to bring Barney back home at last. He wasn't going to leave her.