Whistles through the wind
Opening a chance for change
Color fades to grey
Epic Thirteen: Changing Leaves
Momo's fingers brushed against the crisp edges of the paper as she swept her hair behind her ear. The strands kept falling down, no thanks to the slight breeze that had picked up in the last few minutes she had been out. It carried a slight chill with it, and as the sun started to set, she was reminded that soon the dead of winter would be upon them. With it came a war that nobody wanted to see yet one that nobody could prevent.
She hurried a little more down the wooden pathway, intent on making it to her destination before she got the chills and started to shiver. It was only September, it shouldn't be that cold yet. She hoped it didn't mean an early winter.
She had eventually found out the details of what had happened with the three traitors. Everyone was hesitant to tell her, and it was like pulling teeth trying to get some answers. She had needed to know for herself what everything meant, even if others were wary about it. If her former captain was going to wage a war and try to take over all of the Soul Society, she thought she should know how he was going to do it. A few months to prepare wasn't nearly long enough, however.
She shook the thoughts from her head, instead focusing on the task at hand. Her steps echoed quietly as she traveled towards the Tenth, and she tried to not think about what she was going to do once she got there.
She was going to thank Rangiku. That was for certain. She owed both her and Nanao more than she could probably ever repay, but she was at least going to show her gratitude. If that meant that she had to endure being in the same room with someone that wasn't too fond of her, then so be it. She had been shunned by the majority of soul reapers for a while now. She could handle one more. No matter how much worse it stung.
She rounded the corner and let out a heavy sigh of relief. Maybe luck was shining on her today. It looked like she wouldn't have to go all the way to the Tenth office after all.
She spotted Rangiku on the other end of the hall, leaning against the guardrail and staring out into the courtyard below. With a shout of her name and a wave, she brought a smile to her face and ran over to the older woman.
Rangiku smiled as the younger girl neared and turned to face her. Before she could say anything, Momo launched into a hug, almost knocking the strawberry blonde off her feet. Before she could respond to that, Momo had already released her and took a step back, grinning.
"Thank you so much, Rangiku!" Rangiku just smiled and nodded, already knowing what it was about. It was rare for her to offer helping out with paperwork, and the fact that she did just made Momo all the more grateful to her. "It means so much."
"Everything went okay then?"
Momo nodded, the smile never leaving her face. It was easy to be happy when she had something else to think about. "I was confused until I saw the note Nanao left. The inspector just came in, had me sign something, and then left. Apparently everything was fine." She felt that pressure return to her eyes and forced it down. "Thanks to you guys, I'll get to keep my position."
Her voice was softer, her smile only fading slightly. At this stage in the game, her job was about the only thing she had left besides her friends. She hadn't realized it meant so much to her until she was faced with losing it. She didn't know what she'd do without her friends.
"Don't worry about it. That's what we're here for." Rangiku paused for a minute, and Momo wondered what she was hesitating to say. "Are you feeling okay?"
It was a genuine question, not something that one asked when the answerer was acting strangely. Momo nodded an affirmative, feeling better right now than she had all day. The wall she had built up was still holding, and she was glad that after so many years she finally learned how to set things aside for later.
"What happened earlier? You know…If you don't mind me asking?" It was a serious question, but Momo could tell she debated asking it. She wondered if Captain Unohana had said something.
She was reminded of earlier, but she didn't let it overtake her like she did this morning. She was not going to have a repeat. She thought that maybe if she talked about it, she would feel better about it. Captain Unohana had told her that talking sometimes helped, if it didn't cause too much stress. Momo thought herself over the worst of it for now, so she figured she might as well give it a shot. Rangiku was probably the one person who could understand her situation the best.
"Have you ever felt like everything was falling apart?" As she said it, Momo thought the older woman probably did. Rangiku was woven into the web of betrayal just as tightly as she was. Rangiku knew what it was like.
The older woman nodded, and Momo watched a look pass over her face that signaled she had dipped into her own thoughts. She wondered briefly what it was like to care for a traitor in the way Rangiku did, however that was, but pushed it aside. Her own situation was complicated enough without thinking deeper on it.
"It's was a little like that. It's still like that, really." Her smile had slid from her face as she thought, but she wasn't feeling that tightness in her lungs like she couldn't breathe. Maybe Captain Unohana was right. "At least I have my job. Without it, I don't have much anymore. I have you and Nanao." She followed it up with a smile, though sadness weighed the corners of it down.
"What about Toshiro?"
Momo snapped her head up, a bit surprised that she called him by first name. She could probably count on one hand all the times she had done so, even when not in his presence.
"Had would probably be a better word for that. And if I still do…For how long?"
"Well, how long do you want?" The matter-of-fact way she said it puzzled her. Rangiku made it seem like it was that easy, that by just saying that she wanted him there always was going to fix everything. Momo may have believed that at a different age in a different time, but she knew better by now.
"I don't really think what I want matters at this point."
Her voice had dropped another octave, and Rangiku frowned at her statement before Momo continued. "I don't think that anyone likes to be lied to, and I'm no different. But…." She trailed off, closing her eyes against the things she was remembering. "It's one thing to lie to me then, when everything was such a mess, and it's another to continue to do it now, even if there's a reason."
Rangiku didn't answer her. Momo knew that Toshiro wasn't cruel by nature, but by holding things back and pretending, it was as good as lying. How could she know what she was doing wrong if nobody told her? Not only Toshiro, but a lot of the others too. They pretended that everything was fine, and they excused or brushed aside her actions. Why wouldn't they say anything?
She was beyond the hard part of that now. At least, that was what she liked to think. She was about as over the betrayal as she could get, and by burying herself with work she hoped to continue on until the whole thing passed by. There wasn't any other way she could see herself going by. Nanao and Rangiku helped.
"I'm just so confused." Momo continued on, taking the medic captain's words to heart. She had to get it all out now, no matter if Rangiku understood or not. "What does he want? I don't want to act. I don't like it. Before wasn't any good, when I didn't understand. He didn't want that."
She was appalled to find that her words were starting to wobble. Her eyes were starting to burn again, but she was stubborn. She was not going to cry. "I wasn't acting then, and I'm not acting now, and it's still getting me nowhere. He doesn't want that either. But I refuse to act like nothing's wrong!" She had to close her eyes and turn away slightly in order to get herself a little more under control. She was just so conflicted that she didn't know what to think or how to act. She didn't even know if she was making sense.
"Sometimes I think about it too much. That's what happened today. I thought about it, and I let it suck me in to someplace that I couldn't get away from. Just like the nightmares."
She saw a slightly surprised look come across Rangiku's face. She had never mentioned the dreams before. A part of her bristled at having revealed a weakness, something for others to look down on her for, but the other part remembered that Rangiku was her friend. She wasn't going to use it against her.
"Sometimes I wonder what he wants. Sometimes I think of answers. Sometimes I want to cry. Most of the time though, I ask, does he even want me around at all anymore?"
Momo sighed and stepped up to the rail. She looked down on the yard as Rangiku had been doing and wondered if her life could get more complicated than it was. At least she finally spoke of what she was thinking. She felt drained but better, in a way. It was like half of the weight she had been carried was just gone, and she almost wondered why she didn't listen to that advice earlier.
"I don't know." Rangiku stepped up to the rail next to her, and Momo looked over. "He's not the easiest person to read, and even after being his lieutenant, I still don't know what he's thinking. I don't know why he does the things that he does. I wish I did." She had a faint idea, but it wasn't anything concrete she could go on. If she was right, he was going about it the wrong way.
"It's okay." Momo sighed again. "I don't have to like it, but if things just stay the way they are, I guess I can live with it. I…can't let it stop me from doing the right thing." Momo nodded to herself as she said it, turning towards the other woman. "Do you know why I became a soul reaper?"
The older lieutenant shook her head. "At first, it wasn't because I idolized the illusion Aizen created of himself, though that had some say later. I originally joined the thirteen court guard squads because I wanted to protect the people that were important to me. At that time, it was Grandma and Toshiro. I thought that if I was strong enough to look after myself, I could look out for them too. I haven't really done a good job of it so far, on either one."
Rangiku made to protest, but the smaller girl held up a hand. "I hadn't been. I've been doing better now. At least, that's what I like to tell myself. I think though," she stood up straight, brushing off her uniform as she turned. "I think it's time I stood up on my own. I can still do what I set out to do. Toshiro made that clear to me, at least."
She smiled a little, not something bitter or sad but more determined. Rangiku nodded in agreement, not about to try and change her mind. It took a different type of courage to stand up to yourself than it did a hollow, and Momo had it. She wasn't about to take it away.
Momo said a thank you again and turned to go. She would do a better job from here on out. She could still do some good. So engrossed in her thoughts, she forgot to ask Rangiku about her current hair ornament.
-
-
Rangiku sighed as she watched Momo disappear around the corner she had come from. She was trying so hard, no matter what kind of curveballs life was throwing at her. Sometimes it wasn't fair.
She stepped back from the rail as she felt another presence come around the corner her back was to. She didn't want to say anything, but she had felt him come up long before their conversation was over. He had masked his spiritual pressure as soon as he realized what was going on, and Rangiku didn't think that Momo knew he was there. She was too distracted. That was probably for the best anyway.
She turned to come face to face with her captain. He was looking down the hall, his expression unreadable. She was about to say something when he spoke. It was soft, almost like he was digging into his memories.
"She used to make origami flowers all the time. She would always get so mad when Grandmother or I watched her. She claimed it made her mess up."
He didn't take his eyes off of where Momo disappeared. Rangiku had noticed the flower in the younger girl's hair but did not comment on it. Neither she or Nanao had left it. Then, it dawned on her what her captain was saying. She shook her head and smiled a little. At least he went to see her.
The smile faded though, as she remembered the look in Momo's eyes when she told her story. She could see the distress there, stemming from confusion. She didn't know what to do, and her captain's actions lately were not helping. She was pretty sure he wasn't meaning to, but it didn't change the fact that she was slowly drowning in her own misery from it.
"She's right you know." The white-haired captain turned to look at her, and she saw a flicker of emotion pass over his face before it disappeared. "You haven't exactly helped, even if you meant well."
He looked away from her and approached the ledge. "…I know."
She saw him grip the rail, and she didn't have to see the way his knuckles whitened to know that he was upset. Well, that made just about everyone then. "You should talk to her."
He scoffed, and she wanted to roll her eyes at how stubborn both of them were being.
"I think we saw how well that went."
At least she knew he tried. "She collapsed today thinking about all of this. You heard. You should do something." At times, she felt like a nagging older sister. It wasn't exactly the role she wanted, but she would make do with what was there.
"Momo collapsed because I talked to her. I don't see how doing it again is going to help."
He wasn't looking at her, but he didn't have to be for her to know how upset he really was. She could hear it in his voice, even though it wouldn't seem like anything was very far out of the ordinary to anyone else. She knew that he cared, but she didn't know to what extent. At one time she had thought they were very close, but now, she wasn't so sure.
"Maybe it isn't about what you think will help, but what you want to do. At least then you're being honest, right?"
Rangiku thought back to Momo's words, hoping that maybe using them again would spark something in him. She was glad that they had an understanding. She didn't know if she would be able to get away with lecturing a different captain like she was.
As she watched these ups and downs of two of the closest people in her life, Rangiku realized that this was something they needed to work out themselves, even if only a few days prior she had been planning to intervene. Things were already complicated enough between them, and she wasn't sure if a third party was going to help any, even if she did want what was best for them.
She sighed and crossed her arms, fingers automatically tracing the cloth on her injured left side. As much as she hated to stand back and do nothing, she knew she might have to sit this one out. She and Momo were fine. Whatever it was that had come between them had been settled when she apologized to her. They had come to an understanding, and she was glad for how things were turning out between them. Momo and her captain, however, weren't having the same luck.
"So what do you want?"
Toshiro finally turned around, and Rangiku saw the haunting guilt in his eyes. There he went again, always blaming himself for some things that he couldn't control. Even if he was partly at fault here, she knew he would mull over everything until he was convinced everything was his fault entirely. She just sighed.
"I don't know."
They would have to work on that.
-
-
It was strange to see her desk void of any paperwork. Nanao couldn't say she didn't like it though. If only her captain helped out more often, then it could be like that all the time. What she wouldn't give to go home every day knowing that there wasn't anything else she needed to worry about until the next time she came in.
Momo was okay, and the inspections went well. They always found some small thing to nitpick about, but that was normal and she wasn't going to worry about it. Everything had turned out, and she had nothing to do for once. That being said, she had practically been ordered not to come into the office tomorrow. She was glad to follow that one.
Thinking of the man that gave such a weighted suggestion made her sigh. He couldn't have just said it. No, he had to go and try to embarrass her at the same time. Sometimes her captain was insufferable.
He had told her that if she showed up anywhere near the office tomorrow that he would, how did he put it, 'capture her and lock her away with him to make sure she didn't do any work.' She could still picture that ridiculous grin and the way he waggled his eyebrows. Of course, his remark earned him a smack with her fan.
She sighed. At least he was being normal, for the most part. The day he stopped flirting would be the day she started worrying.
Deciding to just go home for the night, Nanao began to walk around the room straightening things, out of habit. Everything was more or less in place because of the inspection, but it was something she had done every day since she became Lieutenant. She was dead tired from being up for almost two days, but the organizer in her refused to let it be.
Mechanically, she picked up and straightened a few notes to herself sitting on the corner of her desk. A few minutes later, she didn't notice she had straightened the same pile again. She was too lost in her own thoughts.
That was the bad thing about being a strategist, organized, or whatever people referred to her as these days. She thought entirely too much.
Her mind drifted back to the man that constantly wore that absurd pink garment with his straw hat and his never changing ways. She wondered if he had ever been serious about a woman in his whole life. She scoffed. Probably not.
Did other people feel the same jarring pull as she did whenever they realized he was never serious with them for long? Unlike them, she would not give in. She knew the dangers of doing so, and that fact kept her out of the ring and off the market to him. Maybe others didn't care as much as she did and didn't mind the risk. Maybe they weren't looking for the same thing.
What was she even looking for? She didn't really know. That was probably one of those questions that you couldn't answer until it hit you metaphorically like a fan to the face. Maybe her captain was right when he said nobody really knew. It was either that, or she was unwilling to admit to herself what she wanted.
If she made it official, then she would be open to the disappointments and all the reasons why she couldn't have it. There was always duty, a million other obstacles, and knowing what you wanted didn't want you for real and…
She stopped all motion suddenly, realizing what direction her thoughts were going. Shaking her head forcibly, she got rid of them and scanned the room for anything that could be out of place. The room burned more burnt gold than it should at this time of day, and she looked out the window. The sun was almost set, and she noticed that she had been here a lot longer than she planned.
That was one reason why she didn't like thinking so much. Time seemed to fast forward whenever she did, and before she knew it, the day was gone. She sighed. Seeing nothing out of place (which nothing really was in the first place, but that was besides the point), she deemed herself ready to head home. A cup of tea and a good book sounded just as wonderful as sleep did.
She slid the office door shut, and the resounding click that sounded made her feel better. It was like putting things in storage. You didn't have to think about them until you needed them or they needed you, and the office did not need her for a little while at least. Satisfied, she started the trek home, thinking again, as she was wont to do.
Nanao's steps were slower than usual, and she noted that her limbs felt very heavy. She shouldn't really be surprised by how exhausted she was. With that mentality in mind, she chalked up all her recent thinking to weariness as well. It wasn't her fault that her captain plagued her thoughts nearly constantly.
He confused her. She told herself that she always thought about him because she couldn't figure him out.
Sometimes it really seemed like he was serious. There were quiet moments when neither of them said anything but understood each other all the same. There were times when she was stressed, and she found her tension melted away when he drifted into the room. She already knew she got more work done when he was sleeping in the corner, forming a soothing melody with his soft snores.
During those times, in between the messages they could convey with their eyes and the way that they seemed to understand each other completely, she thought that maybe he was serious about what he was doing. Those were the times she thought she knew him.
Then he would go and do something stupid.
All it would take was the casual remark or glance in someone else's direction and all the hope she had built up would wash away like the moon fixed the low tide. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair of him to build her up and then send her plummeting back to the ground. She was furious that she even allowed herself to hope in the first place. He would just have to say one thing or look one way and he would seem exactly like how all the rumors portrayed him, no matter how much she tried to deny their words.
She slowed for a moment on one of the outer paths, near a place she knew her captain to nap sometimes. The grass was still green, but she wondered how much longer it would last. Snow would soon start to fall, and here she was worrying about personal problems when there was so much more waiting to strike.
She sighed. She supposed that would be dealt with soon enough. She was going to keep these few moments when there was no war, times when she wasn't reminded that people were going to die no matter what she did. She was going to take these moments and hoard them, and when things got rough, she was going to remember them.
She would always remember the sun falling into a lazy office. Her memory would always be cushioned with pink fabric and lightened by sunny smiles and straw hats. Even if none of it was real, in her mind, it could be. When things got hard, she could pretend for a little while, and nobody would be any wiser. At least she had that.
She took a seat on the bench under a tree she knew would be a major source of shade in the spring. If time was growing short, she might as well make the most of these moments. Someone she cared about could end up dying, or even herself, and she wanted as many good memories as she could fill her mind with.
It was strange how her thoughts went everywhere and nowhere all at once. One moment she was fixed on one thing, and the next she was flying off onto a different tangent. There wasn't any logical thought pattern she followed, and she wondered if a normal person thought this much or about these odd types of things. It was almost like she had multiple lives going at once and each one was mainly concerned with one thing, only she was feeling all of them at once. Maybe she was slowly being overwhelmed. She frowned at the thought. She couldn't afford to be stressed out in the next coming months. Maybe she should listen to her captain more about taking breaks.
She almost rolled her eyes on how easily the topic got back to him. It never seemed to fail.
Taking a deep breath, she inhaled the crisper air, different than it had been a few days ago. The breeze kicked up a slight cold draft, and she knew the season wouldn't last long. The leaves were almost gone, and what few were left had turned brilliant oranges, reds, and yellows. She had always liked admiring the changing seasons. When she was in the Rukongai, as dismal as some places were, she had always made a point to see the transforming trees at least once per season. It reminded her that things didn't always stay how they were, and at that time, it had been a symbol that she wouldn't be struggling with life in the slums of the Soul Society forever.
Looking at them now, she was reminded of similar things. The leaves signified change. She marveled at how much she had changed in a short time. Things she wouldn't even think about considering now played at the edge of her mind. She couldn't say it bothered her much, and she attributed that to her personality changing as well, if only slightly.
She liked to think that others could change too. A gust of wind rattled the branch above her, and she reached up to catch a few of the leaves that had come loose. The faded red reminded her again of the man she always seemed to come back to, and she thought that maybe things weren't so bad.
After all, he was human too, and he could be changing as much as she was. With that thought, she stood and held out her hand, letting the wind carry the leaves off. She watched them drift away, and noticed how two of them stuck together as they gained distance. She wondered how tired she was to be using leaves as metaphorical symbols for people.
She returned to the path, craving that cup of black tea. Her body automatically moved towards her destination without thinking about it, and Nanao dived back into her thoughts once again.
Now that she thought about it, when was the last time her captain had gone on a date or something similar? She couldn't remember. She noticed he hadn't been flirting with others as much either, besides her. She didn't know what that meant, but she couldn't deny that she felt a small twinge of something. It wasn't good or bad.
Had he finally noticed how it bothered her then? When he flirted with others? She didn't know, but she could maybe hope if she let herself. Did that mean he was somewhat serious then? It could either be that, or he was very dedicated to this chase they had. Still, it was minutely reassuring.
Not that she was entertaining the idea at all.
There had to be some way she could find out. That was one thing she was good at after all; information gathering. Perhaps she could see how much of an effort he was willing to put into it. It wouldn't give her the concrete answers she was looking for, but it would give her a better idea. She could test to see how much he really wanted to capture her attention.
How far was he willing to go? Would he follow her like she would follow him? For how long would he give that effort? Those were things she was hoping to finally find out.
She allowed herself a small smile at the thought. If she could settle everything that had been bothering her before the war started she would be a lot better off. She had an ever-growing to-do list, but she was satisfied with crossing one thing off at a time. Maybe she would even get something out of it.
She reached her home in what seemed no time at all while engrossed in her thoughts. She looked around carefully, sending out reiatsu to double check before dropping the barrier she kept around her dwelling. She still didn't have an answer for the lavenders left for her, but as it had been a few days, she didn't think it was going to amount to anything. Still, she would rather err on the side of caution.
Finding nothing, she entered and went about putting water on for tea. After, she curled up with a book in bed, put her tea next to her, and read until she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore.
-
-
The sun was shining and the warm breeze smelled of honeysuckle. When Nanao opened her eyes, she had to squint and cover her face with a hand to stave off the light bouncing off her glasses. Looking around, she recognized the field of flowers next to the large leafy oak where she used to play as a child.
Hearing laughter, she turned to see a familiar amber shade of hair matching the blue eyes of a close friend. Upon seeing Rosemay, Nanao knew she was in a dream, or more specifically, a dream about a memory.
"Did you know that flowers have meanings of their own? Someone could have an entire conversation just using them!"
The other child's enthusiasm added to the moment, and Nanao remembered how they used to convince Miyabi to let them play in the field, so long as they were careful. It had been a favorite spot, and she remembered spending many days laying underneath the shade of the oak and falling asleep to the aroma of the flowers.
She looked around more and found that this time there were patches of Lily of the Valley. Those were Rosemay's favorite, though she loved all of them. She couldn't remember if these had been in this field or not. She supposed it didn't matter though, as this was just a dream.
"I just love being here. I wish I could just stop everything just like this and stay here forever." Nanao looked over to the other girl as she spoke. Blue eyes turned to her as she asked a question. "Don't you think that would be nice?"
Nanao thought a minute before shaking her head, internally laughing at the face her companion made. "What do you mean? Isn't there anything you'd like to freeze time to do? You like reading right? What about that?"
It was strange, being aware of the dream and a memory at the same time. Usually, she wasn't aware she was dreaming until she was waking, but this was different. Nanao looked down at her old grey yukata, only to find her uniform in its place. She noticed now, that it wasn't her child form sitting here with Rose. She appeared as she really was.
She looked over to the other girl, only to find her gone. Things had changed in an instant. She had to remind herself again that this was a dream, and that they were supposed to do this. It still didn't quell that initial feeling of worrying were Rose had disappeared to. It was habit when they were younger.
She looked at the oak she was sitting under, only to find it devoid of leaves. It looked barren, and the warm breeze turned cold. Nanao moved her hands to the grass, intending to push herself to her feet. She gasped as her hands came into a grainy material, and she looked down to find golden sands in the place where the field had been moments before.
It was strange. It wasn't like beach sand. It wasn't damp or clammy, like it had been washed over by the shore, nor was it warmed from the sun. It was colder, and the texture was smooth. Nanao found that odd, being a grainy substance. It was almost like the type of sand you would find in an hourglass.
She stood, and the flowers morphed into another type she recognized. It was forget-me-nots this time. The blue and white five petal flowers littered the ground in a circle around her. The oak was still beside her, still bare, and Nanao looked to the sky to see blue. There were dark clouds on all horizons, encircling the area much like the flowers were. The sand stretched endlessly, and though she wasn't getting any negative feeling from it, she was wary.
Lightning flashed in the distance, and she could barely make out the sound of rolling thunder behind it. She wondered what it all meant. She hoped it didn't mean trouble coming, though at the moment, that was the only explanation she could give.
She looked again at the ring of flowers and the sand and the encircled sky. She couldn't help a small streak of nostalgia come over her, but she couldn't remember exactly what for. A sense of peace went through her after that, and she no longer felt wary. Sinking back onto her knees, she smoothed her hands over the sand within the ring of forget-me-nots and just watched.
Nanao still held that feeling of peace when she woke.
-To Be Continued
So, NaNoWriMo coming up. I was thinking of doing it for fanfiction, since I'm so behind it's not even funny. It's a lot of work, but I think I can do it. I've even got a chart up so I can write in how many words per day I do. It's roughly 1,666 words a day. I'm going to try. I should really be using it for that other story sitting in the back of my mind (one that you know, I can actually publish), but I've prolonged this for too long already. I don't think I could handle doing two of them. That's like 3,300 words a day. Plus all my school stuff and going to work. D:
Not sure what I think of this chapter. It's amazing how much of this wasn't originally planned to be in this chapter. It's no wonder that I never get to what I actually want to put in there. Everything gets moved back. I'm a horrible judge of length.
So, if you liked it, don't be shy to tell me. I'll have the next part up as soon as I can. One of these days I'm going to get ahead.