Title: Sidelines
Characters: Matsumoto / Hitsugaya / Hinamori
Genre: Angst
Standard Disclaimers Apply
I often wonder what do you think when you sit there, so silent it may seem you're absent, gazing unmoving at those stars, as if they hold the answers to every mystery this world possesses. Do you even feel the grass soiling your robes as the wind caresses its blades? Do you even feel the rain drenching your hair as it pebbles around you in small diamonds beads?
What are you thinking? What do you see? Your eyes, an aquamarine hue so beautifully mystic they remind me of ocean glitter, are lost in a world beyond our limits, boundless and invisible to outsiders.
Without a doubt, I wonder many, many things. I often wonder if you wonder about me. Sometimes I believe you see me as your sister, though sometimes you treat me as just a comrade in arms. There are times I'm your friend, and we talk and laugh; yet, there are times you make me feel like I'm so much more. I sometimes believe you're trying to reach out, to come out of that shell you've encased yourself in, as if trying to convey hidden meanings without words, just by looks and touches, though subtle they are. I really do wonder about a lot of things.
The rain is getting heavier with each minute that goes by, the clock ticking away your breaths, your heartbeat and your tears. I know why you like to sit in the rain, why you let it pour down on you. Do you think it can erase your tears? Do you think that by sitting by yourself you're able to hide the fact that you hurt? I wonder why you like to torture yourself like this. I know you suffer, I know you're crying… and I know who you're crying for.
I often wonder why you hold so much affection for that girl. Yes, that same girl who chose another captain over you. Why do you let her? Hinamori… Sometimes I want to walk into that room—why did you insist on staying with her?—and scream and cry at her, wanting to know why she keeps on hurting you, wanting to know how can she stay in that sleep when you're in so much pain.
Even after these many years, you still hold onto the hope that one day that girl will wake up… I know you yearn for it. I know you stay with her because you want to be the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes… Why don't you give up? Why haven't you given up? Why, why do you still cry for her? I certainly don't understand. Well, more like I don't want to understand.
I do wonder what you see, exactly, when you look at those stars. I also wonder how you can see them so clearly when this thick rain is clouding my view… I often wonder if Hyourinmaru has something to do with it. Is Hyourinmaru crying with you? Is he hurting because of you?
You drive me crazy, do you realize that? I believe I've driven myself partially insane with all these musings, with all these thoughts going round and round in my head. I wish I could just show you… show you this. I don't even know where to begin.
Dreams… I can hear you at night when you're alone in your room, moaning as your shadow crashes against the wall. You're always so restless, and I wonder what nightmares keep you from tranquility. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your eyes during the day, coming to collect a bounty the moment you close them at night?
And the truth is… I hurt, too. Watching as you slowly whither away to ice, a beautiful glass figurine, just an empty shell of the beautiful soul you used to be. I know that when the time comes, the rain pouring over you harshly, you will shatter into a million pieces beyond recovery. By then, will you let me near you? Will you let me help you? Push you back up and shove you into motion, gather you into my arms and just…
…hold you. Love you.
Really… maybe I should just stop. You whisper her name over and over, falling like a tortured caress off your lips, caressing your skin as it floats up into the sky… And I close my eyes… because I can't stand seeing you like this, because I don't want to hear you say her name… I wish I could just turn around and walk away… But I often wonder what you'd do if I did just that. I know you know I watch you. And I take pleasure in the fact that you trust me enough to let me see you like this…
I can't let you. I won't. Your raging dragon will not whither. I won't let you. I'm unselfish, and I hate myself for that. But I hate you more for knowing it.
I truly, truly despise loving you. It hurts too much.