Three: Go Inside

I wore my running clothes and a black sweatshirt with a hood because it was so cold. I brought my list of questions with me, but nothing to write with; instead I kept it in my pocket like a good luck charm or a worry stone.

There was a bench, painted green, about ten or fifteen yards into Bella's park. In high school, we had lunch tables painted that exact shade and thick too, from years of being recoated. I pressed my thumb nail into it now and felt it give; when I ran my fingers over the seat I noticed the other carvings – C and E 4EVR and Bree 6/25/06. I thought about bringing a knife with me the next time and that I should buy gloves because the tips of my fingers were numb.

The second floor of Bella's home was obscured through the trees, but if the lights were on inside and the curtains were drawn back downstairs, I could see inside her kitchen on one side and her living room on the other. She had a light blue dining table in the nook made by the rounded windows; it had an empty flower vase on it. If I stood at the window, the bottom sill was level with my shoulders. I only came that close when she wasn't there.

In the other window were a couch and loveseat, a fireplace, and books, no television. The couch was the color of sand and the fireplace and mantle were brick. She had nothing on the walls and I wondered if she was lonely or just didn't have a taste for decoration.

Those moments when I was allowed to see into her world carried me for a while. I imagined her occupying those spaces, keeping warm by the fire, falling asleep with her book open on her chest, her cheeks flush with sleep, vulnerable. I thought of her in the kitchen, at the table or leaning against the counter deciding what to eat. Walking on the white tiles in warm socks, filling her vase, and kept safe without knowing it. She could live quietly, with no fear of the darker shadows on the periphery because I was there, at the edges of her always.

Two weeks, I watched over her during the night. I found I no longer needed to sleep, my body seemed to understand.

But my mind was insatiable and I was not still. For two weeks I kept her safe. And then things changed.

My limbs felt heavy and I was unsure if I was awake or asleep. I rested against the hard bench and felt the bitingly cold air, but somehow I was also inside Bella's home. It was warm and I was with her; she smiled at me from where she stood in the kitchen. I was at the table, but then I was up, needing to be nearer. "Spaghetti?" She asked.

I shook my head and leaned over her, my hands on the counter on either side of her.

"Chicken?" She grinned and raised her face to me, teasing. When I brought my lips to the pulse point under her ear, her breathing faltered. "Pizza?"

I smiled and let my breath skim her jaw line, "no pizza."

My eyes opened and I was sitting on the bench again. I could see the air I exhaled, my eyes stung and my body ached. I needed sleep after all.

The early morning joggers were doing their circuits, a few people dressed in office clothes cut through the park on their way to work. Across the street, Bella's front door was opening. She was wearing her brown boots again, above that a coat that covered her outfit. Her hair was down and it shined despite the deep cloud cover. She carried a small purse on her shoulder and was fumbling with her keys; I held the edge of my bench securely to keep from getting up.

Something was wrong with her lock; she pulled the key out and pushed it back in again, hitched her purse higher and then let go, yanking her key from the lock completely.

I couldn't fix it, I knew nothing about locks.

Bella walked past me; she looked purposeful and if I'd gone with her, I'm sure we would have ended up at the law office where she'd interviewed. She got the job, I thought. I stood up to watch her back and felt painfully stretched in two directions. Toward Bella and toward her home, I needed one or the other. My heart raced and this itching, crawling thing gripped me from the middle. Go inside. It was ugly and craving, winding and taking and I let it because I wanted what it wanted. So I waited until I couldn't see Bella anymore and then I went to her doorstep and just like that, I was inside.

I thought I'd feel the relief of being near her things, but instead I was angry. Her lock was broken completely and I couldn't fix it myself or I would. It meant anyone could let themselves in at any time and Bella was all alone. I'd have to watch more closely, re-double my efforts. Men were attracted to her, she didn't notice, but I did. They wanted her body; I wanted – something else. I shut the door behind me.

It held the flower and sun smell I remembered from her hair. I felt the creeping vine spread and twist around my arms and legs, it tugged a little at a time. More. It wasn't enough to stand here, I needed to touch.

The kitchen first. I sat in the chairs at the table, picked up the vase and set it back exactly as I found it. Her sink was clean; her refrigerator was nearly empty. I frowned, she didn't eat enough. There were no magnets or pictures stuck to the front either and I thought again about how she might be lonely. I fingered the list in my sweatshirt pocket.

The living room next. I ran my fingers over the back of the couch; it had soft fabric and thick cushions. I stared at it, left it alone, and moved to a stack of books on the coffee table. It matched what she'd told me at the coffee shop, classics. My own recently purchased copies sat on my bed still in their bag; I couldn't read them yet because I'd been staying here. But I wanted to, I wanted to know her world and be a part of it. She had no bookshelves, just stacks set haphazardly around the space: I grinned at the ordered disorganization. It proved to me that she was human too.

I stood at the foot of the stairs for a long while, staring at that place I couldn't see when I watched from the park. Her bedroom was up there. More.

There was only one door at the top; it was on the left and stood open a few inches, like I was being given permission. Past it was the corner of her bed and the edge of a purple comforter, the light from the window shaded everything grey. It was only a sliver so I pushed open the door to see the rest of the room; my heart thudded heavily in my chest. I was excited. Anxious, restless, aroused, and disgusted, I was in Bella's bedroom.

I wanted to touch everything. The blankets that she slept in, I pulled them back and pressed my hand into the pillow Bella rested her head on at night. My hand was shaking and I couldn't stop so I pushed it in further, so it would leave a print. I wondered if she would be gone all day and if she'd see it when she got back, maybe I wanted her to. No, I tugged on the pillowcase, smoothing it out; it wouldn't be right. In my mind, I saw her face afraid, but of me this time. That surprise with lips parted and heart fluttering. I put my hands down on the mattress, my breath coming so quickly the room spun. More.

I released the sheets, but left them bunched into the shape of the inside of my hands. I don't belong here.

It hit me quickly and hard, I couldn't be here. She couldn't see me here; I would terrify her and I would never see her again. It wasn't right; I said this to myself as I jogged down the steps. I pushed the front door open with no caution or awareness that someone might notice me or wonder what I was doing.

I went home in a state of inhuman auto-pilot. I didn't know how long it took, when it was, or how much time I'd spent in Bella's home. I walked across my miniscule apartment in a few short strides, paused long enough to toe off my shoes, and fell into bed. I hadn't slept in a very long time, time being relative at this point. It changed on me, going from being measured in minutes and days to being measured by the words with and without. I stretched over the top of my bed and my hand came into contact with my plastic shopping bag, the one with the books. I was still touching it when I fell asleep.

Dreams and nightmares, I never remembered them. But while I slept, I had a dream that I would remember in bits and pieces as I woke up. In it, I was too strong and Bella was very afraid. I was trying to caress her face, her arms, her waist, but the lightest touch broke and bruised her pale skin. Her bruises were dark and her blood was nearly black as it ran between my fingers and over my palms. She was still so beautiful, I was trying to tell her, but she wouldn't listen. You're perfect, it's alright, shh; I whispered it while I was killing her.

I woke up in a panic that it had all been real, that somehow I'd gone back there and hurt Bella. I rubbed my hands over my face, slick with sweat, and shook my head. I could never do that, I'd kill myself first. She had to be in the world even if I wasn't.

The clock on my bedside table was flashing, as if the power had gone out sometime. I pulled my phone out and saw that I had missed calls, voice mails, none from Bella. I checked the time and when I saw how late it was my breath went shallow. I was supposed to be at Bella's hours ago. Her lock was broken.

I yanked my shoes back on and left, barely remembering to shut my door. I ran the couple of miles to her home in the darkness, taking the shortcuts through the alleys. Her lock was broken. I cursed my traitorous body for the unconscious black I'd just spent hours inside. I wanted to never sleep again. I wanted to see Bella; I had to make sure she was alright.

The night was quiet aside from the sound of my shoes on the sidewalk. I paced four steps left and then right and in my head I was split in two. I didn't belong inside, that wasn't what I was there for, I was here to be just outside her life. Outside.

Inside. The word soothed like a lover's whisper in my ear. She wouldn't know; she didn't know about today, she wouldn't know about tonight.

I walked up the steps and tested the doorknob and found that the lock was still broken. The door opened quickly and silently. I slid inside; the only noise the small click of the door closing behind me. I'd never thought of that sound being threatening before.

I stood at the bottom of the stairs and felt the crawling, pulling thing around me again. Up, it wanted to go up. I held still for a minute, listening for Bella, but heard nothing. One step, and then another, and then I was at the top. Her door was open again those few inches as if to say, it's alright. I would only check on her, I promised myself, and only this once. The next night I would relegate myself to the park outside her window. I used the tips of my fingers to push the door open the rest of the way.

Bella's slender form lifted the blankets only slightly; she was on her side, but as I stepped into her room she turned onto her back. I felt a coiling of nerves in my stomach as I thought of how easily she could wake up to find me here. I thought of her afraid and pushed it aside.

I came closer until I was at the foot of the bed and then closer until I was right next to her. She slept deeply, her cheeks flushed and her lips parted. She was so beautiful, one arm resting above her head, her hair fanned out around her face. I was caught up completely in her and time became relative again. More.

Somehow my dream worked its way into my thoughts, the way I'd broken this fragile girl with hardly a touch. I wanted to prove it wrong.

My hand hovered half raised at my side and there was a snap - a disconnect - as the thing, the monster, got its way. My fingers stretched toward her face and I became something else. I felt her light breaths on my skin as I reached past her mouth to her cheek.

Perfect.

Author's Note: I must say, getting into the mindset to write this kind of creeps me out. Anyway, I got a question in the reviews which basically asked - is it possible for Edward to be completely normal and then just lose it like this? The answer is "not really." Edward is an "unreliable narrator" which essentially means his point of view is distorted; just how off his narrative is depends on how off his reality is from "normal" reality because this Edward tells the truth, but as he sees it. Good question!

Also, I've put together a playlist for this story. It doesn't really go in chapter order, it's more like Edward's descent as he gets deeper into this world. Anyway, it's on my homepage, check it out if you'd like some extra creepy Edwardness.