Author's Notes: The italics are fantasies, most definitely not real.

Four: Lies

Bella had changed her bed linen. I hadn't noticed it right away and it was hard to see in the dark, but she had. Before, her sheets were light purple and now they were white. Why? When I'd been there before I hadn't left any sign that I could remember. I thought back again but things were melting together. They didn't make any sense.

During the night, after I'd gone back to the park, I decided to explain myself. I'd confess and she'd understand that my intentions were good. But when the morning made things clearer I changed my mind.

She left at the same time for the next few days. Sometimes I went with her and sometimes I went inside her house. It was good being in either place; it satiated the monster for a while. I felt the vines of its control slacken from around my arms and legs and my own blood rush back through and fill me.

I started living in her home when she wasn't there. I read her books and used her shower; I hoped her flower and sun smell was from the soap, but I was wrong. It was something else altogether that I couldn't pinpoint yet, it was a part of her skin, her body. I wanted it, I wanted to consume, I wanted to drink her until there was nothing left. For some reason, I remembered her sleeping.

The bath towel she used was the same brown color as her couch; I used it and then put it in the dryer so she wouldn't notice the extra wetness. Everything else in the bathroom was white; it fit her, my angel.

She had few belongings that gave me insight on her, which was frustrating. I began to think that the only way I'd know her was by contact. I didn't want that, it wasn't my role. But I would do it if I had to. And as more time passed, I felt the tightening and forcing will of the monster. More.

While I was still me, I devoured what I could.

Bella walked to work, I didn't think she even had a car. Other than her boots, she only wore flat shoes. Her hair was usually down and she didn't wear makeup, though she had a little in her bathroom. It didn't look like it had ever been touched. She had lunch every day in either the deli across from the law office or a little diner a block over; she always ate alone. I received some sort of satisfaction from that.

At night, she read in the living room or used her laptop. She rarely sat at her dining table and didn't get the newspaper. She talked on the phone a good bit, but no one ever came over. I thought sometimes about coming over when she was there.

She got her lock fixed at some point, so I found a new way in through a window at the back of her house.

On one of these days, I laid down in Bella's bed. I don't know why, I hadn't done it before. I pressed my face into the pillow scented by her hair and then turned onto my back; I closed my eyes and Bella was everywhere. Her scent and the lightest feel of her skin while she slept - the touch I should not have taken, but did anyway. I wanted it too much, needed it. And she didn't break or bruise or wake up, I did it and she was alright. It gave me an odd hopefulness that I'd be able to do it again. I could touch her again.

When I got into bed, she was already asleep, the sheet pushed far down her bare back. I stayed in the doorway, watching the moonlight on her skin. When I couldn't wait any longer, I came closer.

I was hard. She did this. There was no right and wrong, but there was need, there was that.

I grazed my fingertips in a languid path down her back and then further, under the sheet and down one slender leg. She stirred, but didn't say anything though I knew she was awake now. I pushed the blankets down and then with the same hand I traced the outside of her right thigh; her muscles tightened infinitesimally and my mouth curved up on one side. I palmed her hip and then finally heard the smallest of moans when my fingers skimmed the spot just below it. "Edward."

I got onto the bed, unable to deny the request in that one little word. I put my legs between hers and then leaned down over her, kissed her shoulder. I held my weight off her with one arm and used the other to wrap around her middle. Her breath finally released when I pushed inside her.

We set an unhurried pace and I felt Bella below me, her body writhing against mine, trying to find more friction. Always more. I gave in to her.

I shuddered in release, eyes closed tight, mouth open. So fucking good.

Instead of any lingering satisfaction, I felt panic and disgust at what I'd just done. I got up and fixed my jeans, stripped her bed, and carried it all to the first floor. Her laundry room was past the kitchen and behind the stairs so I went there feeling like this was getting too real. I wasn't real; I was supposed to be a ghost in her background.

The time - I had no idea when it was and for the first time in weeks I cared. It seemed early still, so I washed Bella's sheets and hoped she wouldn't notice. Once they were dry I put them back onto her bed and left without checking to make sure everything was put away. I'd forgotten my place in her life. Stupid. My hands were shaking.

I ran as if it were the normal thing for me to do at this time of day. I went back to the apartment that didn't look like my apartment anymore except for the plastic bag still on my bed. Inside the bathroom I washed my face with water; it ran and dripped off my chin when I looked in the mirror. I covered my reflected eyes and noticed that my hands were looking better. Soon enough there'd be no sign that Bella and I had ever met and I'd disappear completely. Or she would.

I broke the glass with my nearly healed hand. It didn't shatter, but cracked like a spider web around my fist. It looked like the web was bleeding, but that was me.

I fixed my hand, laid down in my own bed, and slept.

I went back to the park during the night again, but didn't wander from the bench. Bella was safe, from others and from me. I kept the monster at bay. It curled somewhere near my stomach and lay dormant, waiting for another moment I was sure. But for now, I could only feel the small scratching of it's claws on my insides. I could live with that.

The next day must have been Saturday because Bella didn't follow her normal routine. Her house was quiet until much later and when she walked outside she was wearing jeans. They looked soft and worn and like they'd been through many washings. The t-shirt was from her old university. Bella walked through the park and I followed. Some part, I'd like to think some good part, wanted her to turn around and see me. I wanted her to smile and remember my name and take my arm when we walked.

"Edward, hi," she smiled in that open way she had.

We talked, caught up, and then she said, "I was just going to lunch, want to join me?"

I smiled, "I'd love to."

I lost track of her. I saw her step from the shade under the trees to the bright sunlight at the other end of the park and then she was gone. She vanished and I stood there dumbly for some time wondering if she'd been an apparition this whole time; it wasn't the first time I'd thought it. But some bit of reality, or some thing, spoke in my head. Find her. So I tried.

I went to the law office, walked inside even, and asked for her. The woman at the front desk looked me up and down and said Bella didn't work on Saturdays. On the way out, I caught my reflection in the glass doors. Dirty, tired, aged, my face said. I thought for a minute about going home and showering, or trying to sleep, or changing my clothes. Bella couldn't see me this way. Instead, I kept walking. I went to her favorite lunch spots, went to the shop I'd seen her and her friend at however long ago, went to the book store, went anywhere she'd ever passed by. She was nowhere.

Panic and helplessness can be paralyzing. I stood on the sidewalk outside a building whose window Bella had once looked in, feeling like I too was nowhere. If it weren't for the human traffic jostling past me, I would have believed it. The crowd pushed at my back and I let it lead me.

Somehow I found myself back at my bench. I saw the carving Bella, just her name, and couldn't remember when I'd done or with what. I ran my thumb back and forth over it, waiting for her to come back to me.

When she did return, at first I didn't believe it was really her. I watched from my seat until every memorized detail of her face came into focus. I was so happy that she was back; I stood without thinking and went over to her. On my way, I realized she wasn't alone. There was a man on her other side; she laughed at something he said and he slung and arm casually over her shoulder. He squeezed it and pulled her into his side; she pushed away from him, looking playful.

The scratching and pulling thing inside twisted. No. This wasn't right.

Bella saw me and at the same time, the man let go of her. She stopped walking, looking unsure. I counted in my head until I was relaxed enough to say something.

"Bella, hi," I sounded casual enough. I walked over, trying to ignore the fact that she was with a man.

"E-Edward," she smiled at me, but it didn't reach her eyes. Something was wrong. "How are you?" She asked. The man was standing too closely, almost between us, challenging and protective. I wanted to beat that look off his face, as if I was the dangerous one? She's mine.

I fisted my hands and then released them. I didn't want Bella to see me like that again. "Fine…I'm good…," I felt the clawing under my skin. More. "I haven't seen you in a while."

She looked down for a beat and then back at me. "Yeah, I've been really busy, new job and stuff."

She's lying. I heard the voice too loud in my head. I didn't know what to do to quiet it. I ran a hand through my hair, pressing down to relieve the tension.

Moremoremore.

Bella shifted her weight.

"We should catch up or something," I started. "Maybe dinner? Tonight?"

She opened her mouth into a small "o," "I – I don't know…,"she leaned minutely closer to the man and for the first time, I really looked at him. He was very tall, taller than me, with dark hair, blue eyes, and he was big - threatening. "I don't think it's such a good idea."

I started to ask why she didn't think so when she spoke up again. "I have a – I mean, this, this is my boyfriend." She grabbed his hand quickly, almost too quickly.

I touched my head again, made it look like I wasn't trying to massage the pain out of it. The monster growled, low and long and deep. It flexed and dug in and I felt like I was bleeding. No. "I…oh…,"

Bella smiled uncomfortably; she was trying to be friendly. "Um, Edward this is Emmett, Emmett, Edward. He's the one who…," she couldn't seem to finish.

The one who saved your life.

Emmett put his hand out for me to shake and I complied. He didn't smile. Instead he watched; I felt studied, like an experiment.

"Well…we should get going," Bella said after a minute.

I don't really remember saying goodbye, or anything else. I don't remember walking away though I did. The numbness was good. It kept the bad out.

When I came to, it was nighttime. I was near a bar or a club or something; I could hear music and voices pouring out whenever someone opened the door. I stood across from it, just outside the light from a streetlamp, and debated going inside. The noise and the smell might have been just enough to drown out the darkness. I wanted to and for a second I thought I could, but then invariably I returned to her face.

The thumping beat of a song caught my attention and I turned back to the bar once more before I left. A couple was leaving, their arms around each other. I felt the thing's jealousy, but I watched anyway. The woman was attractive, superficially. Tall, blonde, short skirt and high heels, she looked like someone just waiting to be picked up. She put her hands on the man's shoulders and pushed him until his back was against the wall; she kissed him. Recognition hit me and I had to use every bit of will power I had to stay where I was.

Because the man was Emmett and the woman wasn't Bella.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading, I know this is pretty warped, but I couldn't not write it. Anyway, there are three more updates until this one is finished. The epilogue will be the only chapter not in Edward's point of view, but I haven't decided whose it will be in or if it'll just be third person. Any suggestions?