Disclaimer: I do not own tokio hotel but they are amazing anyway.

mixed feelings.

Jayla's P.O.V.

I didn't realize I had fainted until I awoke in a hospital with an I.V. in my arm. I immediately started having a panic attack. I hated hospitals, and needles. I yanked the I.V. out of my arm and removed all tape, hyperventilating as I did so. It was a good thing that there were no nurses in here. I pulled out my emergency paper bag from my pocket and held it to my mouth. I fumbled with the door handle and stumbled around the hospital, trying to find the exit. Nurses tried to hold me back, but I just pushed them out of the way. When I got to the main lobby I could see the large glass doors. I had almost made it to them when long, strong arms held me back.

"L-let mm-ee gg-o," I stuttered, kicking whoever was restraining me.

A familiar voice responded and I automatically stopped kicking. "I told them to wait for you to wake up, but they wouldn't listen to me. You have to stay now though, don't worry, everything will be fine."

It was Ben, our manager. He was my age though. He was the one who found out about the Tokio Hotel contest, and had gotten us into many festivals. I had a major crush on Ben, I had since 7th grade. I never told him though, because I was always too afraid he wouldn't like me too. I had never dated a boy in my life, because no one ever asked me out, and I never asked anyone out. He is my best friend, even more then Elaina. I would have taken him to the Tokio Hotel concert, but I didn't want him to see me when I got a googly-eyed with Bill Kaulitz.

"Did the girls tell you the good news," I asked, deciding to take my mind off of the many nights I spend thinking of him and Bill.

"No, none of them know what you were talking about, all you said was 'I'm going to go on tour with him', and I would like to know who he is."

The way he said that made me feel a bit guilty, maybe he did like me after all. "He, is Bill Kaulitz, we won the contest!"

"Seriously? That's great," he exclaimed, but the way he said the next part worried me, "you got to tour with the man of your dreams." He said it with disappointment. Wasn't he happy for me? I would get a shot at someone some girls would kill for, and I didn't have to be homicidal to get there.

I tried to have an animated response, not wanting to show that I saw his melancholy response. "I know, it's amazing, now let me go so I can tell the others." He dropped me immediately, not realizing that he was still holding me. I didn't really mind, it felt so natural, so right. But I couldn't think those thoughts, I wanted Bill Kaulitz.

I ran over to the others and explained why I had feinted; I was jumping whilst doing so. By the end of my explanation they were jumping with me. Anyssia was gushing over how cute Tom would be in person. Kayla was excited to meet Gustav, claiming it was only because he seemed nice. Elaina was being blithe with me about finally getting a shot at Bill; she also hoped she got to meet their friend Andreas. Ben was getting me signed out of the hospital; I could tell he wasn't as happy as us. Sure, he was happy about getting us signed and being famous, but he wasn't really that tumultuous about me getting to Bill.

When I was finally let out of the hospital Ben dropped each of us at our houses; Kayla went to Elaina's house to help beg her mom to let her go. I was the last to get dropped off, so there was an unduly awkward twenty minutes. He had asked me about when we were going and all, trying to be in manager mode, but I told him that David Jost said that he would call later with the details.

When we finally reached my house Ben said one more thing. "Jayla, whatever happens on tour, promise me you won't just try to get Bill for the way he looks. You need someone who you really love, and who really loves you." I nodded, sliding out of the car quickly, not letting him see the tears that were forcing their way out. That one had hit hard. I didn't really know what to think of it. I had to call my sister for help.

When I got inside I dashed up the stairwell. I reached my room and shut my door, with a little more force then necessary. I threw my shoes off and fumbled to get my phone out of my pocket. Tears were now flowing without hindrance from my eyes. I dialed my sister's number, having to restart many times because I kept pressing the wrong numbers.

"Hello, Jameson residence," she answered in her nice voice.

"Blair, it's me, Jayla, I need your help," I replied.

"Oh, hello dear, what's wrong, you sound depressed, did you do anything rash?"

I quickly explained my situation. She now knew everything; from the tour, to Bill, to the hospital, to Ben's words. She politely took in every sob I said.

"Well," she said, "you know what I think?"

"What," I sobbed again.

"I think he likes you dear. I also think that you should give him a chance. You don't even know this Bill guy, and as you said, you've liked Ben since seventh grade."

"But I've liked Bill since eighth or ninth grade."

"Well, you've gotten yourself in quite the predicament now haven't you, leave it up to Jayla to get in the weirdest situations.

"Yeah," I laughed, "I do tend to get myself caught up in a lot of ordeals."

She laughed with me. "I think you should just wait it out and see how things go. Pretend like Ben's words hadn't hit you like that, that everything is fine. Start the tour and see if you really like this Bill guy. And if Ben gets jealous, well then, I don't know what to say, just let the chips fall as they may."

"Okay, thanks Blair, you always have to answer to things."

"I just have a lot of experience that's all. Being twenty-nine is hard work."

"But you have Rodger."

"That's true, and I love him with all my heart. However, I have to go now dear; we're going to dinner with Rodger's parents."

"Okay Blair, I hope you can come to a concert sometime, I'll make sure to get you backstage passes."

"Okay honey, I'll try; buh-bye now."

"'Bye Blair, love you."

"Love you too."

I shut my phone and curled up on my bed. Blair was right; I just needed to ride it out. Blair always knew how to get me out of my crazy situations. Like when I was seven, and she was eighteen, I got in trouble at school because I hit a kid in the face. Mom was going to be so mad, because she expected us to be perfect at school. Blair got me out of trouble because she talked to the teacher and said that the reason I hit the kid was because I slipped and tried to catch myself on his desk and accidently hit him in the face. The truth was that he wouldn't share his jumbo crayons with me, so I smacked him. The teacher immediately believed her - because she is impossible not to believe - and ripped up my referral immediately.

I laughed over the old event and curled up even more in my bed. I eventually fell asleep, where I dreamed of the tour and being with Bill. That was until Ben came and murdered him. I awoke after that and never went back to sleep.