Shawn took a deep breath and circled Gus' dorm room. He had to make sure everything was absolutely perfect; this was the last night, his last chance. After this, he'd never be the Shawn that Gus had come to know and love. He'd be forever changed, forever a strange translation of the man he'd once been.
He sat down on the neatly ironed bedspread and leaned back with a sigh. Gus belonged here surrounded by stressed out honors students and empty pizza boxes. He needed the structure, the routine, the monotonous life he'd fought so hard to get Shawn to want. Shawn just knew Gus would make it out with a respectable degree and the perfect girl. She'd be beautiful with a delicate name like Lily or Grace; Gus would be whipped in no time. They'd get married and but the perfect house but not with a white picket fence because Gus had always had an irrational fear of those things. And Shawn would visit every few months to make sure that he was okay. That he was happy. But mostly to make sure Gus hadn't forgotten him.
Shawn turned his head and gently touched the glass framed picture of him and Gus at their high school graduation. Gus had dark circles under his eyes because he'd spent that entire week making nice with Shawn's teachers so they wouldn't fail him out of pure dislike. Still, the smile on Gus' face was brighter than ever. They'd made all kinds of plans that day. Gus had it in his head that he was going to plan out the rest of their lives. It nearly broke his heart when Shawn told him he wasn't going to college. That he would rather travel the world for a few years but he wished Gus all the best.
Tonight would be the first night he'd seen Gus in a year. It had been one long, torturous and lonely year across the universe. Shawn closed his eyes and breathed in the familiar smell of Gus. When he'd first entered the moonlit room, he'd almost fell to his knees with the how intensely he felt at home. He'd stood there for a moment trying to convince himself it would be possible to find a way to stay with Gus and never leave. He'd spend his years running from town to town with Gus at his side. Sure it'd be dangerous and tiring but they'd be fine because they'd be together. And everything was better with Gus. But even he was able to see how stupid that suggestion sounded.
The sound of jingling metal and a key sliding into a keyhole caught Shawn's attention. He sat up to see Gus enter the room, arms weighed down with textbooks. He was too preoccupied with managing to carry his million books and closing the door with his foot to notice Shawn on his bed. He finally got the door closed when one of the heaviest texts feel and landed on his foot. "Shit." He hissed, hopping over to the bed and dropping the rest of the load on Shawn's shadowed form.
"Ow! Dude, what the hell?" Shawn exclaimed, rubbing at a surely developing bruise on his knee.
Gus gasped and stumbled backwards into the desk chair before falling onto the floor.
"Smooth, Guster. I see you haven't lost your dazzling coordination." He stood up and pulled Gus up from the carpet and into a tight hug. He buried his face in Gus' neck, admiring the way the stubble on his face tickled Gus' skin. "I've missed you buddy."
Gus nodded silently, squeezing Shawn tighter to his chest. They swayed slightly on their feet for a few minutes before Gus pulled back, a solemn look on his face. "Where have you been?"
Shawn lowered his eyes, unable to see the unrestrained pain in Gus' eyes. Ever since they were kids, Gus had been horrible at hiding his emotion and Shawn hated it. He picked at the pristine comforter on the bed and refused to look up. "Around. All over, really."
Gus sighed and sat down in the desk chair. He couldn't keep his eyes of off Shawn. He couldn't believe the man was actually here in his dorm room. He was surprised to realize that he actually felt guilty. After just one year of college, he'd made friends, joined an a capella group, and succeeded and maintained a top spot in his class. All the while trying to forget about the fact that his best friend had deliberately chosen to miss the million firsts Gus had experienced in favor of traveling the world blindly. He'd worked so hard to forget about Shawn and seeing him here, now, in his room… Gus realized he'd only succeeded in preserving every memory of Shawn he'd ever cataloged. It was saddening; it was pathetic; it was so Gus-like.
"Okay." Gus began reluctantly. "Why are you here now?" He watched as Shawn barely lifted his head before settling back unresponsive. He lay there for a few minutes before sitting up.
"Gus, I missed you." He said simply, standing up and crossing the room to the place Gus sat. He shifted from foot to foot awkwardly, as if he was waiting for Gus to say something. Finally, he sunk to his knees, gazing up at the older man. Gus shook with the fear and unwavering apprehension in Shawn's wide eyes. Shawn's hands shivered as he slowly reached up to cup Gus' face. Neither of them made a sound and neither made a move to stop the chain reaction that led to Gus' lips meeting Shawn's and the eventual shifting that put Shawn in Gus' lap.
Touching every part of Gus that he could reach, Shawn tried to breathe through the heavy weight in his chest and throat. He blinked his eyes closed and swallowed through the pain. This was his last night, this was it, this was the last part of Gus he could have. He rose up, kneeling on the edge of the chair and deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue past Gus' teeth. They'd never done this before and Shawn was almost glad they hadn't. He'd missed so many of Gus' firsts that it made sense that he would be this one. He held Gus tight to his body and tried to ignore the shivering of his body. With a sickeningly slow slide of his hips against Gus', Shawn drew a gasp from Gus' lips. Gus' hands dropped to Shawn's hips as he matched the rhythm until Shawn had to bury his face in Gus' neck to keep from screaming.
Lifting his head, Shawn met Gus' dark eyes. "I missed you." He gasped as the well placed pace kept him on edge. "Isn't that enough?" He then bit his lip and stood up, pulling Gus along with him into bed. He hadn't been Gus' first kiss, but he could be this first.
*
Gus awoke the next morning alone in bed. He remembered that Shawn had been there, that they'd fallen into bed together. But the lingered smell of Shawn's skin and the disarray of his desk didn't do much to convince Gus he hadn't made the whole thing up.
*
Shawn sat in his car for three hours trying to see past the tears blurring his vision. Some part of his brain refused to believe that he would never see Gus again but he knew the chances were slim. He'd made his bed and now he would be forced to lie in it. Alone.
It was for the best that he never saw Gus again. He would be safer that way. He regretted leaving Gus so soon after… he knew he would be angry. Maybe he would never want to speak to Shawn again. And that was good. Anger was good. Gus wouldn't bother looking for him and get himself into trouble searching after a wanted man. The people he worked for would eat Gus alive.
Yes, everything was better this way. The less Gus knew, the better.
This wasn't what Shawn had in mind when he'd signed up. Sure his vision of action-packed missions and hot girls was a little exaggerated, if not completely false. He'd planned for nights full of paperwork and occasional days spent bored to death in conference rooms. He hadn't planned for this conversation at all.
Bailey stared him down, utter condescension on his face. "They must be eliminated. Do I make myself clear?"
Shawn swallowed thickly and stood from his chair. His hand slyly reached for the phone in his pocket. "Crystal."
He left the room and called Joss as soon as he was out of earshot. "Joss. I have to run."
Her breath sounded like static on the other end. "Run? From what?"
"This."
She sighed and Shawn could almost see her running a tired hand through her hair. "Shawn, if this is all some metaphorical fantasy or whatever, can you save it for a time when I don't have some guy's brain dripping down a wall in front of me?"
"It's not metaphorical, it's literal. I have to go now. Don't ask me why. I told Bailey. He knows why I'm running."
"Shawn-"
"I need you and if you're not going to help me… then quit wasting my time." He hung up and opened his car door. He knew what he'd have to do.
Shawn cocked his gun as he stepped over the two bodies he'd disarmed. He was almost certain they were unconscious but he didn't have time to check. He cautiously opened the door and leaned against the adjacent wall. He listened for the sounds of any back up men and debated once more if he was doing the right thing.
He loved his job, despite the unfortunate tasks that came with it. He's been feeling so lost and desolate lately. Joss was the only thing that stood out among the grey. Joss and the distant, untainted memory of Gus. He resigned himself and made his way, determined and sure down the hallway. If he couldn't do this for himself, he'd do it for Gus.
He carefully opened the door to the silent, dimly lit office. He was aware that what he was about to do would change not only his life, but Gus' as well, probably forever. What he was about to do would have insurmountable consequences he wouldn't be able to comprehend. What he was about to do would ultimately destroy the last-
"Mr. Spencer! So nice to see you." Isaac Bailey stood from his desk, a calculated glare on his face.
His white hair had the unfortunate quality of making him appear gentle and kind. They'd never belie the horrible actions this man had performed and facilitated. This man that had taught Shawn everything he hadn't learned from Henry. This man that had tried to force Shawn to kill whole families, small children… pregnant women. Shawn tightened his grip on his gun and lifted his gaze to meet Bailey's eyes.
"I don't think so." Shawn shook his head and resigned himself to try at least once more. "I'd hoped you'd changed your mind about sending me to Michigan."
Bailey's eyebrow twitched and a smile molded his face. "Ah, I see. Well you already know my feelings on the matter. I've not changed my mind, nor will I ever in the near future. You'd do better to run along like a good worker bee and do as you're told."
Shawn nodded absently, his eyes scanning the file cabinet behind Bailey. Before, when Bailey had threatened Shawn with the truth of his past, Shawn had watched him put his and Gus' file into the third drawer from the right. Bailey was a paranoid bastard and trapped in the past. He refused to keep electronic records of anything, least a computer error be the cause of his death. There would only be one copy. This would be so easy if he could pull it off.
The office seemed to float away as flashes of Gus' face ran through his mind. If he closed his eyes, he'd be able to feel the heat of Gus' skin, the sound and thud of his heartbeat in Shawn's ears, the sound of his laugh in a quiet room. He was doing this for Gus, he was doing this to protect Gus from what he'd done. From what he was about to do.
Shawn lifted the gun, and shot Bailey in the heart in one clean shot. He found himself muttering an apology as he circled the desk. He clawed at the cabinet drawers in vain, too panicked to think clearly and contemplate about the location of the key. He willed his heart to slow and returned to Bailey's body. He carefully dug through the elder man's coat pockets for any sign of metal. It was only after several, silent and dreaded minutes that he found the small godsend hidden in the lining of Bailey's coat. Tears of relief fell down his cheeks as he pulled out the two files.
He tucked his gun in his back pocket and ran as fast as he could through the back doors of the CIA headquarters.
Shawn was powerless to stop Gus from running to Joss' body. He pulled off his shirt and held it to the gunshot wound. Gus was trembling and his panicked breathing sounded harsh on Shawn's ears. He blinked rapidly and tried to come up with the best plan of operation here.
Gus lifted Joss carefully into his lap and held the shirt to what he believed to be the source of the blood. "Joss, can you hear me? Wake up, please wake up. I'm going to get you to a hospital." He brushed the hair away from her face with such unwavering tenderness Shawn had to lower his gaze. "Can you open your eyes for me? Joss?"
Shawn knew they'd have to leave, now. He'd made as many arrangements as possible after Joss had called, knowing he'd have to move Gus as soon as possible. He took cautious steps towards Gus and the parallel image of Gus that night at their home holding another lifeless body. He'd done this to him twice.
Steadying his voice, Shawn lowered himself to Gus' eye line and tried to pull Joss out of his arms. "Gus, you have to let her go."
Gus shook his head stubbornly and held on tighter. His hands were bloodstained and drawn taught around Joss' shoulders. Shawn pulled as hard as he could, forcing Gus to let go of her body. "Shawn! Let me go! We have to go back!" He pushed as hard as he could at Shawn's grip. He shoved and clawed, trying to get back to where Joss lay, still on the ground. Shawn locked his arms around Gus' weight and held on, his heart breaking even more at every scratch of Gus' nails.
Seeing that this wasn't going to end anytime soon, Shawn reluctantly pulled the syringe from his back pocket. He injected the sedative into Gus' neck and carefully hefted him over his shoulder. He buckled Gus into the back seat of the SUV and as he drove away, he ignored the hollow feel of his throat.