A/N: I want to say thanks to all the people that have read and commented on my story. I really appreciate the feedback you've given. The next part of this story is the Epilogue and I'm debating on whether or not to create a sequel. Thanks so much and here is Chapter 9.
Halfway there, Shawn took the time to really comprehend what he was about to do. He'd spent so much time lately just making blind decisions, not planning out the best courses of action. He couldn't blame Gus for any of it, but he knew he was the reason he hadn't been thinking clearly. Obviously he hadn't minded enough to change his mindset. It had begun this way and it would end just the same.
He looked back at Gus in the backseat and was surprised at the wave of nostalgia washing over him. For so long, Gus had been everything to him. His best friend, his brother, his conscience, the first and probably the last love of his life. Every huge moment of his life had occurred with Gus by his side. The first scavenger hunt he'd won in fourth grade. The first time he'd ever stood up to his father. His fourth kiss, because Gus hadn't had enough sense to steal the first. Gus had always been there until Shawn had decided him being there wasn't enough for him anymore. His presence had become insufficient and Shawn was too scared to ask for what he really wanted. Too scared of what it meant.
Shawn shook his head, the road blurring slightly. Gus had been there at some of the worst moments of his life too. He'd held Shawn's hand when they were curled up together in his closet listening to his parents fighting. Shawn had fallen asleep on his shoulder in the hospital room after Henry had been shot. He'd taken Shawn out for his seventeenth birthday, unaware that Shawn had been more upset over Gus' decision to spend the summer away from him, than his expected break-up with Elizabeth Linquinst
Gus hadn't been there when Shawn's mother left. He'd been halfway across the country at an internship for some honors student program and Shawn had been too proud to call. He'd come back three weeks later, reeling with stories of the fun he'd had and the people he'd met. Shawn let him talk and talk for hours, knowing all the while that Gus had noticed all of his mother's things were missing and decided not to mention it. He'd known and decided not too long after to spend every other night at Shawn's house. Until it wasn't so noticeable that she was missing. Gus took care of him as subtly as he could; he taught him to do his own laundry, how to make more than cereal and spaghetti for dinner, and how to mend his own clothes. If it didn't sound like a Freudian complex, Shawn could admit that for a short while, Gus had been his mother.
He wanted to tell him why he'd done it, why he'd dragged Gus into this mess. Why it wasn't enough for him to steal Gus from his stable life, he had to kill the only other person he'd been allowed to trust.
"Gus, Gus are you awake?" He shot the sleeping figure a few glances before returning to the road. "Part of me wants to tell you what I've done and another part of me is scared of what you'll do. I can't lose you… because you're pretty much all I have left. And I need you to know that… everything that I did was to protect myself or to protect you. I need you to understand that I would stop at nothing to stop anyone from ever hurting you.
"I was sleeping my way through Canada, take that however you want, when I ran into this woman at a library of all places. And she was beautiful, I mean it, Gus. She had long, thick red hair and her smile actually had to power to render me speechless. She invited me out to a diner and we had one of the most… random conversations in the world. It was kind of like those sleepovers we used to have and we'd cover everything from Thundercats to Paula Abdul before my dad would come in and yell at us to go to sleep. I remember falling in love with her minute by minute and… now that I think about it, I'm sure I fell in love with the pieces of her that reminded me of you. We started to spend time together and I fell harder and harder the more we did. We were as serious as we could be- as I could be. I still missed you; I was still in love with you and trying to ignore it. She was the perfect distraction-"
"Was?" Gus asked, his voice gravelly with sleep. "What happened?"
"She disappeared. I woke up one morning, alone in bed. All of her things were gone, there was no note. I asked around, filed reports. Nobody could find anything, and eventually they gave up; but I couldn't. I searched for the better part of a year. I was just about to give up when I found her in New York. I was following a pretty unreliable lead when I saw her, she'd dyed her hair brown and she'd been living in a studio apartment. It was a week before I managed the courage to talk to her. I asked her why she'd left, why she hadn't even said goodbye but she wouldn't answer.
"I told her I was leaving and booked a hotel room. I followed her for a few weeks and I put it all together. The secret meetings, the hidden weapons, the empty apartments… at the time it sounded farfetched. I thought I was making too much out of nothing but I confronted her about it. She cried and tried to push me away. She told me to leave, that it would be dangerous if the people she worked for found out that I knew." Shawn laughed and Gus could hear the sadness in his tone.
"I wanted to help her. I wanted so badly to hear that she would come away with me, that she'd try… for me. She promised she would and we… were together that night. I left her alone to pack and that was the last time I saw her alive. I came back the next day, worried that she hadn't called me and I found her there."
"Shawn," Gus started, his eyes meeting Shawn's in the rearview mirror.
"I stayed with her for a while before calling for help. I bought one of those police scanners, hoping to hear anything about what happened to her. I realize now how stupid that was. The people that killed her were a part of something so big, so large, even if the police had found out, they would've been let go. I started traveling again, I met… I met Joss at a truckstop in Minnesota. She was chatting up this trucker, trying to get a ride, but he wouldn't budge. He left and I offered to give her a ride, I didn't know then, but I gave her a ride to a job. She called me up a few weeks later to go out to dinner, she told me what she did for a living and suggested I come check it out." He shook his head and lowered his voice.
"You have to understand Gus, I was in a bad place. Every night, when I closed my eyes, I saw her, Jessica, Isabelle, I never even knew her name. I was hurting so badly that I… I just thought if I hurt someone else for a while, I'd feel better. It'd hurt less."
Gus was silent for a moment before prompting him to go on.
"I met with Bailey; he didn't have a title. I knew he was some part of the CIA; a bad part. Joss had warned me the son of a bitch didn't hire anyone with a conscience a borderline suicidal mindset. Bailey hired you for jobs nobody else would take. They weren't all hits; some of them were rescue missions or retrieval missions. I got my first kill two years after I'd joined. I was in too deep and I didn't wanna quit.
"I came to see you, the night before. I just wanted to see you, through clear eyes, before," He trailed off, remembering that night. "You were so… innocent; I couldn't believe it. You hadn't changed at all; you smelled the same, looked the same, and sounded the same. I wasn't supposed to spend the night, and I wished I hadn't for so long after. It was like being confronted with every pain I'd felt since I'd left Santa Barbara. Every fucking beautiful, pure, unfiltered pain and I couldn't move. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe, I lied there awake for hours before I left.
"I convinced myself that you hated me and then it was a lot easier to leave. To meet Joss, make up an excuse about where I'd been and do my job. The man was a con artist; he'd scammed two single mothers into their deaths and out of privileged information. Joss came with me, made it less of a big deal. She stayed with me the night after. Joss used sex as a band-aid, then. And I was willing to let her. I thought of you the whole time and it got easier still.
"I'd been working with Bailey for a little more than two years, coming back every five months to check on you, make sure you were okay. I came back from California one day to the job I didn't know I'd been waiting for. He'd been investigating the men that had organized her death. He'd finally found a lead and he knew I'd jump at the chance to take it. He'd found the location of one of the men and he wanted me to clean up the place.
"I went alone, snuck inside and waited. A woman and two children came home in the afternoon, talking about some soccer game and, Gus, they sounded so cheerful, so happy and I couldn't do it. I lied to Bailey and told him the guy must've been spooked and left. He punished me for it, sent me on more and more jobs to kill. I sucked it up, like a good little worker bee, for a while anyway. Until it became too much for me.
"I tried to run away, made the mistake of not trusting Joss enough to tell her first. Bailey found me, a few states away and called his men to take me back. I came to strapped to a chair in his office with a file in front of my face. He flipped it open and your face was staring back at me. It wasn't an old photo either. You were on campus, surrounded by people I'd seen that night and the few other times I'd spied on you." He met the frozen gaze staring back at him in mirror. "Gus, I saw the look on his face. He didn't have to speak; I knew what he was getting at. If I disobeyed him again, if I tried to run again, he would find you, and he would kill you. Or worse yet, he would make me do it. I left that day determined that no matter who it was or what I would have to do, I would do it. I left to see you every chance I got after. And if I saw one of Bailey's men, I guaranteed he didn't live to tell about it. It got easier every time.
"I'd been cooperating with Bailey, swallowing my tongue when he told me he'd found that man's family again. The wife had been spotted coming out of an obstetrician's clinic in Omaha and Bailey said he'd known I'd beg for the chance to take the job. He gave me the file and sent me on my way. I was fine for a couple of hours before it hit me, really hit me. I locked myself in my room and drank myself into a coma, knowing that I was stuck. I couldn't go through with it, but I couldn't just let you… I couldn't think of a way out, until I did.
"I knew that if I ki- took care of Bailey, I- we would be free. We would be safe. I felt so bad, so guilty for getting you into this with me. Just because I knew you, just because I loved you, he knew he could use you to control me. And he was right." He refused to take his eyes off of the road, afraid of what Gus would say.
"What did you do?"
"I… I snuck into his office and I killed him. I stole my file and I ran. I called Joss, I lied to her and I came and got you. I've been running ever since." He blinked and ignored the tears falling from his eyes. "I thought we were safe. I thought Joss was on my side. I didn't know that Bailey had her watching you, that she'd been in on that job. He'd threatened her to watch me, to," he snorted, "to keep me in line. She lied to me and I don't know who she reported to."
Shawn pulled into a driveway and lowered his eyes to the steering column. "I don't know who she was working for but I do know that it won't be long before they figure out what I've done. And when they do, they'll come after me." He unbuckled his seatbelt and stepped out of the car. He opened Gus' door and undid the restraints keeping him in, avoiding the fearful look in his eyes.
"Shawn? What's going on?"
"I could be dead in a matter of days. I'm good, but Joss was better. But the good news is: they don't even know you exist. I think you'll be a lot safer and a lot happier here. I-" Shawn finally allowed himself to look up, his heart jumping into his throat. Gus looked so… broken and it made it easier for Shawn to believe he was doing the right thing, knowing he was the one that had put that look on his face. "Gus." His voice cracked and his hands made a ghost trail from Gus' chest to his neck. He pulled him into a deep kiss before burying his face in his neck. He whispered his name a few more times before pulling out of Gus' vice.
"Shawn, please." He could tell by the look on his face how painful this was for him. And it hurt more, knowing how much Gus had lost in that night alone.
He tried to push Gus away, all the while pulling him closer. He knew he was never going to get anywhere with Gus holding onto him like this and he pulled him close again. The second time he pulled the syringe from his pocket, he knew he was doing the right thing.
He carried Gus as gently as possible up the driveway. He'd called ahead and he didn't even have to knock. His brain was still reeling with what he was about to do and he hoped his story had been convincing enough because he couldn't remember what it was. She let him in with a disapproving glance for him and a relieved expression at the sight of Gus in his arms. She followed him all the way into Gus' room and he felt her confused gaze burning through his back as he laid Gus down and placed a kiss on his lips.
He eyed his feet all the way to the front door, knowing the house by memory. "Take good care of him. Keep him mad at me."
She crossed her arms and stared him down before sighing and running a hand through his hair. She pulled him into a hug and muttered into his ear what he didn't know he'd been waiting to hear for so long. "You're not a bad person, Shawn. Remember that."
He left the Guster's that night convinced Gus would forgive him once more. And that thought made easier to leave than he'd thought it would.