Author's Note (And partial plot Spoiler): Here we have my first (and probably last) Transformers original character that is based on me. Instead of living vicariously through her to fulfill twisted fangirl fantasies, she will be used primarily to inflict over the top amounts of sexual harassment intermingled with downright awfulness.

Disclaimer: Just Borrowing

Related Music: Tata Young – Crush On You

Designation: Spoiler

I wish upon a star
Can't you see how right we are
We should be together
Babe I got a crush on you

Ironhide revved with impatience as the reconnaissance meeting came to a close. Stubbornly remaining in his current position, the red mech watched as his fellow Autobts began making their way out. Typically he'd be joining them but curiosity had gotten the better of him.

Two developments have occurred recently. The first was that these meetings have been scheduled to last one Earth hour long then usual on the agenda yet they continued to end at the same time anyway. Now, Ironhide would've had no trouble ignoring this fact. He actually may have counted himself lucky for the extra recharge time that wouldn't be wasted listening to repetitive reports. But then there was that second anomaly. Ever since the meeting times have been altered the Decepticons somehow become much easier to counter. Not that he noticed much of a difference in the overall planning stage since the Autobot tactician continued to detail his strategies just as blandly as ever. But results defiantly caught his attention. And near every con incursion had been intercepted before it ever really got a chance to get going.

Prowl may be good, but even tha' most advanced upgrade can't make 'im psychic, he thought as his optics shifted to the black and white mech. The tactician stood stiffly before a stack of datapads, faceplating arranged in its usual no-nonsense fashion. When he caught sight of Ironhide's intent look, Prowl lifted an optic guard in a silent question but otherwise remained eerily motionless. Beside him sat Optimus Prime at the head of the meeting room table. Their leader's optics were dim as he stared off, seeming to focus on nothing in particular. One of his stabilizing servos twitched occasionally while the rest of his frame appeared nearly as still as Prowl's. He always stood out in the primarily gray room that was nearly large enough to house all the Autobots in one location without feeling too cramped.

As the rest of the bots filed out, Ironhide stood and advance towards the two remaining that continued to show no sign of leaving any time soon. Prowl regarded him wearily while Optimus seemed to not even notice his security officer's approach.

"The meeting has been adjourned. It is in your best interest to vacate the area and processed to the recreational room for your energon ration," the tactician stated matter-of-factly. His blue optics flashed with a silent warning.

"Nah, don't think I'll be doing that just yet, Prowler." Prowl's mandible nearly dropped at the blatant disobedience. Taking advantage of his shock Ironhide continued, "Be'ing such ah stickler fer protocol and all, I figure y'all might appreciate muh idl'ing around. Case there's more that needs discuss'ing."

At that Optimus finally looked up, optic guards adjusting to give him an almost apprehensive look. "That won't be necessary," he began a little too quickly. "All that is left for Prowl and I to discuss are alternative details concerning back-up plans."

"Well then," Ironhide drawled, "As ah fellow officer I believe it's within muh duty tah remain and assist where I can."

Somehow Prowl managed to stand even more rigidly. "Your assistance is not required at this time," he stated coldly.

Rocking back slightly on his stabilizing servos the security chief replied a little too playfully, "Alright. I gots no qualms just watch'ing tha' experts."

"There is really nothing for you to see since nothing will be occurring here." The black and white mech insisted in that repetitive manner of his. "Move along."

"Then why are some o' tha' most overworked bots still here if there's noth'ing that needs do'ing?" The red mech tried to keep his face plating placid, but the urge to grin triumphantly was overwhelming. Feels good tah be right. His idly curiosity had fully transformed as he concluded that these two were definitely up to something. And whatever it was had been working. So, of course, he wanted in.

Optimus' optics shifted to the wall behind them suspiciously before coming back to Ironhide. "While I appreciate your sudden willingness to become more involved in our planning sessions, this is really not the time."

"And it is highly unorthodox," Prowl added.

Ironhide adjusted his stance, noting the tense atmosphere of the room. The battle hardened bot couldn't help but compare it to that serene moment before an imminent onslaught. After releasing a rush of cycled air from his vents in a sigh he bluntly said, "Look, we've been stopp'ing those decepticreeps at every intersection lately. That there's more 'en just fragger's luck. Y'all got someth'ing on tha' side. And I aim tah find out what."

Prowl's door panels rustled behind him but otherwise he gave no indication of any building frustration. "This area is for authorized material only. Meaning, you do not have the clearance to be here at this time. For the future functionality of your processors, I insist you leave immediately." His words were accompanied by a loud, grinding sound. Initially Ironhide assumed it was just Prowl overworking his engine to further emphasis the threat. But the source soon revealed itself to be the wall behind them. As the rumbling persisted the barrier split apart to unveil a secret passageway.

Optimus and Prowl exchanged a quick glace before looking to Ironhide. The leader of the Autobots then stood, easily becoming the highest point in the room. He turned his full authoritative majesty towards his chief of security and declared, "I'm truly sorry, old friend. But I must order you to vacate the-"

"-the premises so I can have my go, you slagging port-blocker!" A feminie voice had chimed out from somewhere down the tunnel.

Prowl immediately brought a black hand up and slid it down his faceplating in exasperation. Ironhide gawked at the lack of composure from a typically reserved bot. His astonishment continued to build when he noticed Optimus somehow appearing flustered. Yet even the combination of these two unlikely reactions was nothing compared to what entered the Autobot's meeting room.

Two bright lights were fast approaching from the passageway and Ironhid's processor practically skipped at the sight of a purple Saturn SKY convertible driving at top speed toward the mechs. Nearly slamming into Prowl, it skidded to a halt before Optimus. The red and blue bot sent a quick look to the newcomer before shifting his gaze to Ironhide. His face mask revealed nothing while his optics lit up alarmingly bright like a set of headlights adjusting to high-beams.

For Ironhide, delightful curiosity was abruptly replaced by outraged confusion as the security chief recognized the alt mode of a Decepticon in their midst. His voice modulator released a loud roar and he promptly charged the enemy.

Just as he reached the vehicle, Prowl moved to intercept him. "Cease and desist," the black and white mech ordered.

"That there con belongs in tha' brigg! Or bet'er yet, offline." The sound of his misleadingly named watergun being drawn accompanied the statement as he tried to lean around the bulk of the military strategist to get a clear shot. But Prowl was quicker and managed to avert the barrel of the weapon before it had a chance to be fired.

"Neither option will be necessary for the time being." The police lights from his alt mode flashed irritably as he spoke.

"What in tha' fragg'ing pit is go'ing on here?!" This wasn't making sense. A Decpticon was parked right there, next to Optimus of all bots, and absolutely nothing was being done to remedy that fact.

Prowl's optic guards narrowed as he glowered at the red mech. "As I have previously stated, this matter is none of your concern."

The chief of security's mandible dropped at that. The absurdity of the situation might be just enough to fry even his rarely utilized logic circuits. Composing himself somewhat, Ironhide lowered his weapon hand and raised the other to point at the offending con. "I'd be ah malfunction'ing slag heap tha' Hatchet wouldn' even use fer spare parts if I didn' make this muh concern!"

"Sheesh, someone leaked lubricant all over his recharge berth this cycle."

The furious mech immediately stopped trying to get around Prowl and just turned his helm to the purple car. She was parked a little too comfortably beside Optimus, windows down and tires rocking slightly to the beat of whatever heinous melody came from her speakers. He was prepared to charge right through the obstacle to get at his target but a commanding voice stopped him just as his shoulder collided with Prowl's chassis.

"Stand down, bots!" The sound of Optimus' overpowering voice resounded through the room. The two Autobots immediately turned to face their leader while at the same time the Saturn let out an indignant growl of her engine. "...and con," he added.

Ironhide attempted to focus on his cooling system to help his overheating mainframe. There had to be an explanation for this, though the idea of it being in any way reasonable was well beyond him at this point. "Sir, I mean no disrespect, but what in tha' pit is glitch'ing yah?"

Optimus lowered his helm slightly while folding servos in front of his chassis; giving Ironhide the impression that the Autobot leader was feeling guilty. At least he's got enough sense left fer that, he thought bitterly.

"Prowl, would you care to explain to our chief of security why we have a Decepticon in the Autobot meeting room?"

The tactician saluted Optims formally and declared, "Certainly, sir." He then about-faced to his fellow mech and began what Ironhide would forever recall as the most unnecessarily elaborate explanation his audio receptors had ever heard. It took a while for him to grasp the main idea, but eventually he pieced together that Prowl's point was based strictly on unadulterated logic and low risk convenience. The femme had been an informant for the Autobots, or more specifically, just Optimus Prime. She was the source of the reports that had been giving them the advantage in the war of late. Now, she was not an Autobot spy and had no intention to defect from the Decepticons. In fact, the femme planned to keep right on defacing public property, fighting against the Autobots while adding to the number of civilian casualties and overall serve Megatron. Knowing this did nothing to pacify the still enraged mech.

"Yah gotta be slagg'ing meh."

"It is clear through battle records and analysis that this Decepticon, designation Spoiler, remains loyal to the Decepticon cause. However, she has no qualms with dispensation concerning Megaton's information and plans. Thus allowing her to remain in action is more beneficial to us then permanently taking her out of commission." Prowl quickly retrieved a datapad from his subspace compartment, preparing to recite statics that would back up his reasoning.

Optics glowing white, Ironhide considered firing liquid nitrogen from his watergun at the both of them and be done with this mess. Acid was also a tempting option. Instead he drawled, "At what cost? Aside from tha' obvious?"

At that Prowl appeared uncertain before turning to Optimus, wing panels lowing in hesitation. The Autobot leader's optics dimmed somewhat before he answered. "Her only condition is that any intelligence she collects is given directly to me." It barely took Ironhide a nanoclick to realize that Optimus was uncomfortable stating this baffling fact.

"Speaking of which," the Saturn interjected, "Along with a few data files, I also happen to have the latest schematics for you in my trunk. Didn't have time to scan them so hope you don't mind a more…physical copy." The words emitting from her speakers were now husky, resembling the tone of a deep bell.

Optimus leaned down as she opened her trunk to him and tentatively reaching inside. Withdrawing a packet of paper, he stepped back and placed it on the meeting room table.

As her trunk door moved to close on its own it suddenly sprang up again. She repeated this a few more times before finally chiming out, "Oops, my trunk seems to keep popping open. Mind giving it a good slap shut for me?"

Optimus' optics practically rolled as he moved to comply. Unfortunately for the present mechs, the sound of her trunk being forcefully closed wasn't loud enough to drown out her all too satisfied gasp.

"Much better," her voice rang out from the speakers just before the vehicle's frame twisted and bent. The back end of the car lifted while folding outward as the front split apart to form her stabilizing servos. Spoiler gracefully stood up into her bipedal form, revealing a femme that was well below the gathered mech's in height. Her physique looked built more for speed then anything, assuring Ironhide that one well placed blast would easily finish her off. The spoiler of her namesake folded around her helm, giving the very human appearance of hair. Her alt mode's purple color shone brightly against a chrome plated face that seemed perpetually set in a sneaky smirk. She looked vaguely familiar to the security chief though he couldn't recall having ever seen her on the battle field. Yet after this encounter he would make sure to set a special reminder to target this flimsy femme during his next Decepticon incursion.

Before Ironhide's destructive thoughts could continue to course through his processor like a feedback loop he declared, "Alright, yah got yer precious info. Now Get 'er outta here."

"Oh contraire, lead-head." Spoiler rested a servo on the exaggerated plating that curved up the side of her aft to make up her hip before elaborating. "That was only part of my package. I still have far more to offer then just some crumpled up organic parchment." She then turned her attention to Optimus before finishing with, "I couldn't ever fathom wasting your valuable time with anything less."

Prowl chose that moment to speak, probably because he noticed Ironhide's already pale optics flash with a murderous light. "Perhaps we should spend less time on your pursuit of recreational activities and more of it concerning the fulfillment of our arrangement?"

She paused in her swooning to consider the black and white mech. The femme then nodded, gaining some semblance of professionalism about her. The effect was abruptly shattered when she opened her mandible to speak to the Autobot leader. "You know, these meetings could go a lot faster if we exchanged data in a more... straightforward route. I'd personally be honored to 'hook up' with you." While sashaying closer to Optimus she continued, "So what do you say? You into a more direct link between our hard-drives?" Now standing directly under the towering Autobot, she turned to face Prowl with a twisted smile. "It would be more cost effective in the long drive, right Prowly? I hear you're all about efficiency."

Prowl's right optic fizzled out briefly at that but otherwise he gave no indication of having even heard her. Seeming satisfied with the subtly reaction, Spoiler gave her full attention back to the Autobot leader.

Ironhide's energon lines squirmed at the sight of the way her red optics darkened to crimson while she all but gawked at Optimus. "Don't let 'er get any closer," He warned. "Be'ing online as ah fragg'ing Decpeticon gives femmes loose firewalls. "Wouldn't want tah download ah trojan."

The femme reluctantly turned from the uncomfortable mech to the disgruntled one. "There are more mature ways of dealing with that jealousy, lead-head."

"Not even with high-grade altered visual sensors would I ever see yer aft as anyth'ing but ah target fer this here gun," he lifted the weapon for further emphasis.

Her chassis vibrated as she sputtered a chuckle before responding with, "Oh how charming. I'm sure that thick hide of yours could crack open somewhere to spark a femme one of these cycles." She paused for emphasis before finishing with, "if her optics and audio receptors were malfunctioning along with a crack down her CPU."

This time it was Optimus who held the enraged security chief back. "Ironhide, the sooner we conclude our business with her the sooner she will leave our base," he assured.

"Fine," the red mech grumbled before pulling out one of the metal chairs that surrounded the meeting room table. "But if that there con does anyth'ing outta line…" He finished the sentience with a pantomimed blast from his watergun before sitting down.

"I understand." The red and blue mech then inclined his helm to Spoiler and asked, "Are you ready to address this list of inquiries Prowl prepared for you?" While speaking he pulled a datapad from subspace and held it out to the femme.

"Oh Prime, I'll answer any questions you can come up with so long as they're asked in that sultry base of yours." The flutter of optic guards accompanied her words as she too graciously accepted the datapad as though it were his spark. After clutching it tightly her grip suddenly loosened and it fell. "Slag, I dropped your files." She made no move to retrieve it, choosing to stare at Optimus expectantly instead. As the Autobot leader grudgingly bowed down to get the pad, Ironhide saw the con blatantly leer at the bent over aft, going so far as to actually swipe her glossa over chrome mouth components.

He continued to watch the disturbing display of one-sided affection from his chair. At one point the question and answer exchange could have been considered normal. That was until she seemed to find a way to ruin the only thing she seemed to be any good for with indecent body language. As Spoiler spoke her fingers roamed along the seams lining her chassis. Suddenly one of her digits pulled at the chest plating just enough to release a faint blue glow. Her light shined off the armor of the three mechs in attendance briefly before blinking out. Meanwhile the con continued on with her report as though she didn't just flash them.

Aside from that moment of absolute horror, a lot of her account really was useful. She seemed to know near all the inner workings on the Nemesis. The femme even threw in some embarrassing gossip concerning a few cons before Prowl intervened to bring her story back on course. The look on her faceplating concerning one detail in particular that kept coming up caught his optic. Before he could process twice about wanting to know the information he asked, "Now hold on ah click. If yer spark pulses for that there blue seeker, why are yah over here try'ing tah lube up fer Optimus?"

The Autobot leader's face mask seemed to wilt slightly in dismay while at the same time the sound of a resounding crack proclaimed Prowl's loss of composure. His hands holding a datapad were clenched so tightly that the device had been broken in half. Irnonhide could practically detect the reprimand forming in the back and white mech's central processor but before the tactician could begin it the con answered.

"Us ground rollers are beneath fliers like him. And not in the fun way." Her metallic face formed a pout, complete with a slightly protruding mandible.

"But at least he's on yer own team," the red mech pointed out.

"Sure, but Thundercracker really doesn't want to get that into me. Trust me, I've tried." She looked up to the still disturbed Optimus sweetly before turning back to Ironhide. "I don't mind since it's not like he's my first choice anyway. Why settle for Jacob Black when it's Edward Cullen I have my spark set on?"

"What in tha' pit is that even suppose tah mean?!"

"Harrumph, you're not even fluent in basic cybertronian lore so it comes as no surprise you can't understand a simple reference to Earth literature," she stated smugly. "So uncultured."

Prowl chose that moment to interject with, "I would hardly consider the novelization of'Twilight' in any way related to the concept of literature, no matter the planet."

Spoiler revved her engine merrily before her voice rang out, "I don't know what should be more embarrassing for you, Prowly. That you got the reference or that you just made it publicly known you got the reference."

The tactician shuddered and took one step towards the femme but otherwise remained in his general position. Meanwhile the Decepticon continued her account as though yet another awkward moment didn't just occur on her behalf while Ironhide regarded her intently. He was still unable to determine if this arrangement was actually worth possibly winning the war over. He also wondered, what's this here con after, anyway? Decepticons don't make deals if they don't have the advantage, so there had to be some ulterior motive. Is her aim just tah rile up tha' two most prominent bots on muh team? If that's the case then her plan clearly wasn't working. Sure Prowl and Optimus were obviously beyond perturbed but it wasn't detracting from the success of the Autobots. Otherwise she should've switched tactics or aborted altogether by now.

He was brought back from his suspicions when Spoiler finished her report. He released a pent up rush of heat in relief before standing while Prowl stiffly thanked the con for her cooperation. She barely acknowledged him, choosing to address Optimus instead. "You know, we should totally go for a drive after one of these boring meetings. Pit, I'll even take my top down." The innuendo was accompanied by two flashes from the emergency lights that rested on her shoulders in bipedal mode.

Optimus, ever the diplomat, somehow avoided the question as he brought the conversation back to Spoiler's departure. She barely seemed to notice while Ironhide again resisted the urge to scream out his opinion on the entire matter. He was just so thankfully she was finally leaving. And not ah nanoclick too soon.

After making her way to the tunnel entrance she paused and looked back at Optimus longingly. With a shy smile the femme all too affectionately said, "We're really not so different, you know. We even share common interests. For instance, we both love interacting with the organics."

For Prime's sake Ironhide was able to keep his finger off the watergun's trigger but couldn't stop himself from growling out, "Help'ing and hurt'ing ain't exactly analogous."

Her usually blithe demeanor actually gave way to a flash of rage before Spoiler quickly composed herself. She then responded in a mocking tone, "aww, sounds like someone finally downloaded some bigger vocab. Must be from all that time spent on a berth getting your aft patched back up by med-mech." Before Ironhide could retort she gave her full attention back to Optimus. "Either way, why let a silly little thing like semantics roadblock us?"

The Autobot leader looked to Prowl before answering her. "Spoiler, I greatly appreciate what you've been doing for us and the risks you're taking. But-"

"Hey, no worries," she cut him off. "You can have all the time you need to consider it. Meanwhile I'll just have to settle for getting lost in those big, baby blue optics of yours." For emphasis she then proceeded to stare up at him hungrily.

Prowl shifted his weight restlessly before emitting a rough cycle of air through his vents. "If our business is concluded I suggest we go our separate ways." His stance suggested he was fighting against his own combat protocols to remain in position.

With her sneaky smile back in place the femme huffed before transforming back into her alt mode. "Alright," her voice chimed out from the speakers. "I know when I've overstayed my welcome. But you really can't blame me for wanting to put my aft in reverse to back up onto that shiny bot."

Ironhide ground his mouth components before growling, "I could come up with ah whole mess o' things tah blame yah fer."

"Well, good thing you're not in Prowly's position or I'd actually be in trouble." She then reared back on her tires slightly and called out, "Oh, and Prime? Next time leave old lead-head in your med-bay. The way he keeps waving that gun around makes me think the twins probably replaced his operating system with Duck Hunt." Throwing herself into drive, the Saturn peeled out of the meeting room. The three mechs were left to stare at her retreating form before turning to each other. Somehow her absence only managed to increase the awkwardness between them.

Optimus looked from Prowl to Ironhide several times before his optics settled on the chief of security. The lower audio guard he wore wobbled slightly as though he wanted to say something but stilled as he seemed to think better of it. The red and blue mech then stared down at his servos before excusing himself from the room politely.

Without even looking at Ironhide, Prowl began speaking. His voice was low and daunting as he said, "While your method of shooting first and possibly asking questions later has served us well in the past; it is not the most beneficial approach to this matter. Now that you are privy to the classified arrangement I will have to make several points very clear." The mech then began gathering the newly inscribed datapads and depositing them in his subspace unit as his voice took on a condescending tone. "You will not, in any way, jeopardize this opportunity for us. I do understand the moral concern of collaborating with the enemy; that it goes against standard operating procedure and near every protocol. Even still, statistically we would be glitched not to utilize this advantage." When the last datapad was stored the tactician turned to the security chief and added, "If it would make this arrangement more bearable for you, know that after we have won the war you are granted full authorization to offline that misbesparked femme. Permanently. More than authorize, I request that you do it. I trust no one else has the talent or the spark to insure that we never hear one more shameless and crass bit of verbiage from that Primus cursed speaker system."

While listening to the actually irate tactician Ironhide wondered if he could get Ratchet to just wipe the existence of this entire encounter from his memory banks. Though knowing himself, the abhorrent event would only repeat when his curiosity about the extended meeting time refreshed and got the better of him again. Tha horrors o' war sure ain't what they use tah be.

"As of now," Prowl continued with a stiffening of his doorpanels. "Any action taken against Spoiler will not be tolerated. Also, if you even process disclosing anything that has occurred here know that it will be denied adamantly and you shall find yourself reprimanded accordingly." His doorwings ruffled lightly when he finished with, "I already had this discussion with Optimus. He has reluctantly agreed to these conclusions. That should be verification enough for you." The black and white mech's optics flashed white with a promise of pain if Ironhide did not comply before he departed from the room.

Lowering himself into a chair roughly, Ironhide stared at the wall containing the hidden passageway and considered his options. He couldn't help but feel that the safety of the base, his responsibility, was compromised. A Decepticon has been within the Ark and him none the wiser. How could he allow for such a breach of security to occur? And though he loathed admitting it, even to himself, that tight-piped bot had a point. Not only were the Decepticons at a sever disadvantage, the Autobots really were winning.

Looking down at the beloved watergun before depositing it in his subspace compartment, Ironhide came to a conclusion. He then stood and thought aloud, "case this don't pan out, gonna be need'ing tah go see tha' engineer 'bout ah bigger gun."

But in my heart you start to grow on me
Kind of suddenly
So now I've changed direction

Angst Behind the Humor:

It was tragic, really. And not just having fallen in love with the enemy leader. Clichéd slag like that happens all over the 'verse. The real problem is if Optimus were to return even a fraction of the affection she harbored for him, he would no longer be the mech she was so headlights-over-tailpipe for. To love a Decepticon would compromise his strong moral foundation. So she allowed the Autobot's to use her, even if the entire arrangement was Prowl's idea in the first place. Optimus at least somewhat agreed to it, which meant he was willingly taking advantage of her. And that was a perfectly understandable way for him to act in this time of war and upheaval amongst their kind. And for her it was better than nothing... at least for the time being.

Alright. Now that that scrapheap of retrospect is out of the way, onto squishing some squishies!

Knowing it might seems strange
Love came over me
Feeling the luck has changed
Do you want me, like I want you?