Author's Note: Initially I worried that maybe I took Red Alert's character a bit too far. But after re-watching "Auto-Berserk" I feel justified in my portrayal. Jazz was a challenge to balance between corny and charming. I'd like to thank KageOkami666 for helping out with getting him right. On another note, even without actual sex or excessive violence I seem to keep stretching that T rating quite thin.

Disclaimer: Just borrowing, except for Spoiler. I know I should be ashamed of myself.

Related Music: (will be named at the end so as not to completely ruin the surprise)

Designation: Spoiler

Chapter 3 – The Unique Circumstance of which she was Apprehended

So if you're lost inside your life and

You're still nobody's wife and

You've got no education

And no self estimation

And you can't afford a new pair of shoes

Here's one thing you can do…

Red Alert let out a resentful huff of air as he leaned back to better observe the live surveillance footage in the security room on the Ark. After all, it wasn't as if the cameras would watch themselves. Well, at least not efficiently.

Most of the Autobots were recharging in their private quarters during this shift, but not him. No, he knew better then to allow his systems to relax when so many other optics were offline to the hazardous world around them. And this organic planet was troubling enough without the ever looming presence of their enemies. But then, Decepticon activity always had his sensors on high alert no matter which back-verse rock they happened to be stationed on. Vigilance will always be the deciding factor for victor and victim in this war, he reminded himself since no one else ever seemed to listen.

"Especially not of late," the red, white, and black mech groused aloud.

Prowl, typically a reserved and rational bot, was now one of the worst offenders. His tactics had become disconcertingly more aggressive recently, which was exceedingly out of character for him. Red Alert couldn't help but feel his infamous paranoia demanding to be headed with just cause thanks to this development. Each new battle plan that tactician sent out was more audaciously thoughtless then the last. Yet every single one actually succeeded. It's almost as if he believes it'll work before even initiating it…

The latest reckless scheme revolved around Jazz indirectly delivering an explosive device into the Decepticon's home base. The very idea was completely absurd as it has been attempted before, each time getting found out by the con on duty faster than the last. But for whatever reason, this rigged energon cube was not only shipped to the Nemesis but made it inside. And if recent reports were to be trusted, it also managed to detonate and take out a sizable portion of the ship and supplies.

After accessing his memory files, Red Alert recalled a comparison Sideswipe tried to make for him. The red twin had said, "It's gonna be like a fatality! You know, where the winner in a fighting game gets to punch in a specific sequence so the loser dies even more gruesomely than usual. All we need to do is settle on which buttons to smash for that win." Red Alert would rather call such unnecessary antics overkill. And while an irresponsible waste of resources was more than fine by his chief of security, Ironhide, this security director preferred a much more definitive approach. After all, how was one to be certain their enemy was actually taken out? Especially if there's a heinous mushroom cloud obscuring the view.

Most alarming of all for Red Alert was that there had been absolutely no Decepticon activity since Jazz's mission. For the Autobots this meant that their success was imminent. At least that's how his fellow bots have been acting. To the red, black, and white mech it simply equated to that calm just before flying into the proverbial meteor shower.

His thoughts were abruptly shot off course as something on one of the screens caught his optic. Turning to view the footage from camera 42, Red Alert noticed an inconsistency that was definitely not there a few nanoclicks ago. Quickly he transferred the video to a larger viewing screen and began scrutinizing it. The recording was of the Autobot's meeting room. Its typical gray coloring appeared darker in the dimmed light and there was now a blackness which indicated an opening in the wall. Wait- that wasn't in the ships schematics!

He considered sounding the alarm right then and there, but his black hand paused over the lever when he recalled a statistic. His ratio of false alarms to legitimate emergencies was never particularly impressive. But of late it had gotten far worse. He felt that the Autobots should be relieved by how quickly he chose to act in what could have been a moment of truth. Regretfully, many of his comrades did not share that perspective. The preemptive warnings instead made them prone to take him less seriously. And since now was as critical a time as ever, Red Alert needed them to believe and take proper action in the event of an alarm sounding.

So instead he considered the monitor carefully before looking to the other screens that were in similar vicinities. There! A flash of movement cut across one camera's view before moving to another's. He followed it on five separate screens before it vanished. Thought I had all those pesky blind spots taken care of, he brooded to himself.

Red Alert frowned as he turned to regard the emergency lever. Pulling it would easily relieve his apprehension. After all, the Decepticons were even more of a threat now that they were on the brink of utter defeat. So they might be desperately bold enough to send a lone con to the Ark to enact some fiendish scheme. Though if it's one of them, at best this would have to be a suicide mission. And no con's ever deliberately put their spark on the line for the good of that faction. Red Alert had to be absolutely certain that's what this actually was before he could act, especially since this could very well just be those Primus accursed twins pulling another prank. And while Prowl may appreciate the security director stepping in to thwart those trouble maker's shenanigans, it would further detract from what credibility he had left.

Pressing a few buttons, Red Alert tilted camera 39 to begin zooming in on the next screen he predicted the shadowy figure would appear on. When nothing happened he went back to the footage that was already captured. After adjusting the image he compared it to the records he had on the most dangerous Decepticons. None of the readings matched any on file so he set the console to run the information through the entire database. He felt somewhat relieved that at least this sighting didn't appear to be an immediate threat just yet. But to be on the safe side, the security director scrutinized the footage with his own optics while the computer was scanning. The only thing he could be certain of at this time was that it was Cybertronian in nature and on the small side.

Needing to get another's input on this potential breech in security, he sent out a private comm message to the one bot that wouldn't completely glitch out on him, ::Inferno?::

There was a brief burst of static before a tired voice groused, ::It's nothing, Red. Go back to your cameras.::

::But I didn't even say what it was yet,:: Red Alert objected.

Inferno paused for a click before transmitting, ::Fine. What do you think you saw this time?::

The security director's faceplating bent into a deeper frown. How can I expect the rest of the base to believe me when my most trusted friend doesn't? After venting a sigh he sent back, ::I have the recorded image of an unknown Cybertronian currently aboard our vessel. There is also a previously unknown point of entry opened. Are those adequate reasons to engage the emergency protocols?::

::You know, Red, that usually would be. If you hadn't already set off that fragging alarm more times than Sunstreaker waxes himself in a cycle.:: Inferno's tone softened as he added, ::Look, just make sure it's not one of our guys or a systems glitch first, alright?::

Tapping his finger against the emergency lever, Red Alert thought about that before sending back, ::Understood.:: He then broke the connection and turned his attention to the screens. Apparently instincts and suspicious shadowy frames still wouldn't be enough for them.

With sensors fully activated to detect movement on any of the monitors, he resigned himself to gathering tangible evidence on this potential threat. That's when he spotted another opening that shouldn't have been there, this one a doorway. His suspicion gave way to confusion when he recognized it as leading to the private quarters of his leader, Optimus Prime.

Activating surveillance equipment in the room, Red Alert waited for those rarely used security measures to boot up. The audio came on first and the sound of air cycling through vents was heard. Still suspicious, he heightened his already sensitive hearing receptors. Immediately he was able to distinguish that there were actually two distinct cooling systems running. Upon turning up the volume on his equipment, Red Alert could now just barely pick out the creaking of metallic joints and a faint hiss of hydraulics as well. That caused the security director's hand to wrap around the lever in preparation to sound an emergency alarm just as the visual sensors came online and the room was revealed to him.

Red Alert felt himself freeze up at either the most confusing, scandalous, or potentially life threatening scene he had ever beheld. Optimus Prime was lying on his berth and by all outward appearances deep in recharge. Straddled across his midsection perched a femme he didn't recognize. Her frame appeared relaxed and was not armed with any visible defensive or offensive equipment. She just seemed to be intently watching the Autobot leader. Then she leaned forward and managed to coax his chest plates open, revealing his spark chamber and the matrix. Red Alert couldn't help but stare dumbly at the screen until an all too familiar purple symbol on her frame was exposed when her arm moved to open her own chassis.

The sound of emergency sirens blaring was followed by his computer console pinging in recognition. It had finally identified the unknown Cybertronian as a Decepticon, DESIGNATION: Spoiler.

8-8-8-8

So listen up sisters, I've got some cheerful news

About what to do if you get caught with the blues...

Jazz couldn't help but feel intrigued by this all too interesting development. Of late it felt like the only offenders occupying the Autobot's brig were Autobots. Being sent there was Prowl's preferred means of punishment for wayward mechs and pranksters. But since the war had turned in their favor, retaining enemy prisoners was no longer a priority. So something had obviously changed because a Decepticon femme currently lounged rather awkwardly behind the glowing bars of a cell.

For the first time in megacycles, guard duty had become exceedingly interesting. So of course Jazz couldn't help but pull rank to get it during this shift. Casually he prompted the prisoner, "So, ta what do we owe the visit?"

Spoiler held his gaze with steady red optics when she answered, "If this is supposed to be an interrogation you're doing it wrong. You know, something more like making demands, spouting out threats, maybe torture?" She was projecting anxiousness behind the false bravado.

That curled his faceplating into a smile. "Can't a bot just have a nice conversation without it turnin inta some sorta confrontation?"

"Not with a con, he can't." the femme snapped back.

Maintaining his relaxed demeanor Jazz remarked, "Such hostility. It's a surprise the Decepticons don't let ya out more. Though ah guess ah can understand why. Especially considerin how quickly ya botched this up." He watched for her reaction, curious to see what the statement would make her reveal.

Arching an optic guard with suspicion she asked, "What do you know of it? You're not even on Prowl's list of Autobots that were told about my… arrangement with you guys."

I figured he had somethin ta do with this. Now ta fimd out exactly what that entails, Jazz thought. Aloud he replied, "Shinyspark, ah'm Jazz. And the Jazz bot's on any list he wants ta be."

"Great, so you already know everything anyway," Spoiler vented in exasperation. Then added, "So what happens now?"

"That depends entirely on ya, lil' femme. And just so we don't miss anythin important, how's about ya start at the beginnin. Details bein essential and all." He subspaced a recording device in preparation.

She sat up and moved closer to the bars at that. "Wait a click; don't you already know?"

Without hesitation the mech explained, "This is just for the record. Ya know how Prowl is with his protocol and regulations." Jazz waved the recorder for emphasis.

She nodded with a knowing smile at that. "Yeah, and here I thought Soundwave was bad." After a humorless chuckle Spoiler launched into her story. Apparently, one can only push a femme so far before she starts looking for love in an even less likely place. At least that was her case. Without getting so much as a "Frag off" from Thundercracker for stellar cycles, she set her sights even higher to the leader of her enemy faction, Optimus Prime. It was hard to discern exactly why or how that happened since every time Optimus was mentioned her voice shot up several octaves while emitting a gush of squeals.

Jazz had to ask the excited femme to repeat herself more articulately. Only then was he able to piece together how her business with the Autobots actually started in the first place. Turns out, in the aftermath of a battle Spoiler had crossed paths with Optimus while he was alone and injured. Instead of attacking the enemy like any sane Decepticon, she attempted to flirt with him. The explanation was then derailed for a rant about all the pick-up lines the con tried on him. Jazz couldn't help himself but release a resounding laugh. Especially when she said that even complimenting the Autobot Leader's literal "wash-board abs of steel" didn't seem to flatter him.

Spoiler didn't appear offended by his outburst and used it as a segway to continue. She next explained how Prowl soon came upon the peculiar scene. She took particular delight in describing how the tactician's logic circuits nearly shorted out because of her. Once Prowl had recovered he seized upon the rare, if not bewildering, opportunity. He offered the con a deal, promising to allow her to see Optimus if she provided the Autobot's with any information they asked for in exchange. She was hesitant at first but her loyalty to the Decepticon's was no match for her twisted aspirations. So with Prime sitting in stunned silence, the second in command created a schedule of 'dates' for him to have with the con. She was all too excited to let Prowl set everything on his terms. Just so long as she at least got to be in the same room as Optimus, she would comply. Since then, Spoiler has been feeding the Autobots the means for their recent victories.

She seemed beyond happy that someone was listening to her. Jazz was just happy to have someone finally telling him what had been going on. Being one of the Autobot's commanding officers, he was used to being informed about everything. And if he wasn't, he'd find out rather quickly. But this matter in particular has been near impossible for him to crack. As head of special operations, Jazz felt he was more than entitled to know the origins of the information they were receiving. Especially since he was putting his spark on the line by relying on it. Instead, the second in command continued to send him on missions based on statistics and data no bot could have gotten a hold of. Not even Mirage with his invisibility talent. Though now that Jazz finally knew what the secret was behind the Autobot's success, he wasn't sure he blamed Prowl for attempting to leave him out of it.

Spoiler was about to go into exactly what she was up to during this unscheduled trip to the Ark when an authoritative voice called out, "You have not been scheduled for guard duty this shift. That is primarily because you were not authorized to work it. Explain yourself." Prowl then entered the room, flanked by Ironhide and Red Alert. His stoic features remained blank though the flash of outrage in his optics was hard to miss. Behind him Ironhide looked smug while Red Alert practically exhuded apprehension.

Lazily, Jazz stood up and faced his fellow bots. "Drift looked like he needed a break." He pointed behind him at Spoiler before adding, "And can ya really blame him?"

Red Alert abruptly looked to Prowl in outrage and bellowed, "You left an ex con to guard her? Have you completely deleted every sane program you had left?!"

Before the tactician could respond, Ironhide cut in with "Are yah kidding? Comparatively, that's tha most reasonable thing he's done about that there Decepticreeper in megacycles."

"If neither of you wishes to join her I suggest muting your vocal processors on that matter for the time being," Prowl ordered in a calmly seething voice. He then turned to the third in command and stated, "Jazz, your presence here places you in violation of several codes of conduct that you are supposed to enforce as a commanding officer."

"Is that your way of asking me ta step inta the cell with her for punishment? Cause in that case ah'm more than happy ta oblige. Especially since this story she's been tellin me was just about ta get where ya'd most likely want it ta go." With that said he turned back to the femme and graced her with his most charming smile. "Isn't that right, shinyspark?"

Spoiler looked like she didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. She seemed to settle for just crossing her servos and turning her back on the lot of them.

Prowl's lip plating twitched in what Jazz easily identified as the second in command's subtle version of a sneer before he spoke. "That in no way entitles you to be here at this time." One of his door wings perked up slightly when he added, "Nevertheless, I do require that information. Especially considering the… unique circumstance of which she was apprehended."

Ironhide scoffed at that. "Yeah, tha one time we have an actual emergency and ol' Red Alert here takes his oily time warn'ing us about it."

The security director looked taken aback and in defense declared, "Well if it weren't for your incessant need to undermine what I consider a potential threat then maybe-"

"-Then maybe yah should reevaluate what yah process 'threat' to mean," Ironhide interjected. "Cause I'll tell yah what it ain't: anything that's not ah fragg'ing con in our base!"

Prowl turned on the security bots with an icy glare that extinguished their bickering.

Taking advantage of the lull, Jazz asked, "So how come they get ta know about this?" The implied 'before me' was self explanatory by his tone.

The second in command appeared guilty before trying to explain himself. "There were… extenuating circumstances that could not be helped."

Jazz briefly retracted his visor to arch an optic guard at that.

Prowl's door wings dropped slightly before he clarified. "Initially only three parties were privy to the arrangement. Optimus Prime, our Decepticon contact, and myself. Red Alert merely made us aware of Spoiler's unauthorized visit this cycle while Ironhide..." He seemed at a loss for how to explain that.

More for his own benefit then Prowl's, Ironhide drawled out, "Curiosity got tha bett'er of me so I stayed fer one o' their private meet'ings."

Somewhat bemused, Jazz looked to the chief of security, "that actually worked?"

"Hey Ironhide," Spoiler suddenly called from her cell, getting the Autobot's attention. "What'll it take to get you to say 'what in tarnation'?"

Before anyone could react, the security chief had a rather wicked looking blaster rifle subspaced and aimed directly at her. Curious, Jazz tried to identify the new weapon just as Ironhide threatened, "Give meh one more reason. That's all I need. JUST ONE!"

"Stand down!" The order came from Prowl while Jazz moved in behind the red mech.

"Sheesh, such hostility." Brazenly she then asked, "You sure you don't have a Decepticon code somewhere in that thick mainframe of yours, lead-head?"

"THAT'S IT!"

Courtesy of Jazz, the muzzle of Ironhide's weapon was no longer aiming at the con. Instead the saboteur directed it harmlessly to the next empty cell over. While the shot rang out, a multicolored plasma blast launched through bars and into the wall. Upon contact, a wave of heat and smoke expanded outwards to envelope half of the room. When the smog began to clear Jazz saw that the plasma actually continued to burn the area around its impact site. Spoiler was holding her hands over her helm in a defensive position. She was slightly darker around the edges but otherwise appeared unharmed.

When the plasma finally smoldered out the explosion's radius had taken out a large section of the wall that the mechs could now see into. It also happened to be the section which held the room's control panel. Localized security systems soon shorted out and the glowing bars of each cell powered down. Silently staring down at the blaster rifle, a look of wonder reshaped Ironhide's face plating.

Jazz released his hold on the barrel of the red mech's weapon and stepped back. He then looked from the neutralized cell bars to the slightly singed con behind them. "Lil' femme, if ya think suicide via enraged bot is goin ta get you otta there, you're quite mistaken."

"Oh please, like he even had a chance of deactivating me in a room with the second and third in command." She then glanced over at Red Alert and added, "no offense, but I'm gonna wager you're even more combat incapable then Scavenger."

Red Alert balked at her but otherwise held his ground and addressed Prowl. "This is why you make me keep the cameras turned off in that meeting room once every seven cycles? So you can listen to her emit slag like this?"

Hearing that only seemed to encourage Spoiler to taunt him all the more. "And what's up with the Lamborghini? I mean, wouldn't you be more fitted to transform into a short bus instead? After all-"

"Enough." It was the closest to a shout Jazz had ever heard Prowl's voice get. The second in command then directed, "Red Alert, I need you back on surveillance duty."

The security director looked like he wanted to argue but one glare from Prowl had him about-facing and out the door. Prowl then turned his burring blue optics on Jazz.

::Go ahead,:: Jazz dared over a private comm link. ::Just try and ask me ta miss the most interestin thing I've seen in megacycles.:: Prowl gave him an exasperated look in response.

Turning back to Spoiler he said: "If you are done harassing my crew we have business to attend to."

"Really," she asked. "But won't that ruin your precious schedule?"

"You have already done so by being here, unannounced and without supervision."

The femme lifted her arms in defeat and chimed out, "Guess you have me there."

"And in custody," Prowl remarked with an admonitory tone. "You have violated the terms of our agreement. Why?"

She sent Jazz a quick smirk before saying, "You know, you probably should've let Jazz in on this sooner. He's much better at dealing with this kinda thing then you."

Prowl managed to stand even stiffer while saying, "I will file that in my mainframe for the next time I decide to make a deal with a Decepticon. Now answer the question."

Emitting a heavy sigh, Spoiler apparently had the decency to look abashed. "Alright, alright. I had this idea. Since my own team doesn't want me around anymore and you guys… well, you know. I thought maybe I could…" Her words trailed off into mumbles as she looked down at her stabilizing servos.

Jazz reassuringly prompted, "we need ya ta turn up the volume, shinyspark."

Still averting her gaze, Spoiler said, "I, uh… thought maybe I could start my own faction."

Prowl took a step forward and demanded, "By stealing the Matrix of Leadership?"

"No," she huffed indignantly.

Looking somewhat perplexed he tried, "By deactivating Prime?"

In outrage she cried, "No!"

"Then why where you-?"

"How could you even suggest something like that?" Spoiler had moved to the front of her cell, pressing against the deactivated bars, "I love Optimus!"

"Sure have a fragged up way of showing it," Ironhide remarked. Abruptly everyone in the room turned, as though just remembering he was still there. "But then, nothing yah do has ever made a blip o' sense."

The femme's voice erupted in a ringing laugh before she managed to say, "Well of course you wouldn't get me, what with that two-bit processor of yours."

Ironhide sneered, but otherwise seemed to keep his temper in check. "There's noth'ing to get. Just jumbled programm'ing that can't decide which team to spread those flimsy servos fer."

"Look, you can't blame a femme for trying to play the field a bit," she pointed out.

"But this here field yer on is meant fer battle!"

Jazz couldn't stop a grin from spreading across his face plating. The entire situation was almost too much. Ironhide's weapon was held in a tight grip while a frown marred his gruff features. Meanwhile Prowl was just standing there with flickering optics. Most likely, he was doing everything in his power to keep his logic processor from shorting out. Jazz couldn't blame him. The saboteur wasn't quite able to figure out Spoiler's objective either. And Prowl typically relied on Jazz's unconventional ideas and unorthodox perspective to deal with situations like this.

The con herself was clearly attempting to stay composed. "Oh, I'm well aware. After all, I've been the one risking my skid plate out there for your side. So show a little respect."

Staring down his nasal ridge at her, the red mech bellowed, "Listen here, yah crazy glitch!" We've been fight'ing Deceptitools long before yer psycho spark came online."

"How about actually winning?" With a slag-ingesting grin now firmly in place Spoiler too politely continued, "cause that sure seems like a new development to me."

Ironhide began sputtering like a badly tuned engine. It prompted Jazz to stop playing spectator and join the verbal fray. "Lil'femme, I think it best if ya explain what ya mean about startin a new faction. Preferably some time before Prowl needs ta get carted off ta Ratchet. Or Ironhide tries deactivatin you again."

Spoiler looked over at the tactician and smirked. "I guess."

Upon hearing that, Prowl seemed to come out of his haze. Acting as though he'd been in perfect working order the entire time he stated simply, "Proceed."

"Someone's a bit too excited to hear this," she teased, once again dodging the matter entirely. Jazz maintained a straight face which added to the effect of three sets of glowing blue optics staring her down.

Spoiler's ventilations hitched nervously before she finally explained. "Well… it's not like I could just recruit Cybertronians. The Decepticons are all fearfully cozy under Megatron's stabilizing servo. And you guys still see me as an enemy. Even after all I've done for you," she added with a twinge of resentment. "So I decided to try the only other way I could come up with... creating my own followers." She then paused timidly before saying what Jazz sincerely hoped she wasn't about to. "And who better to spark some new sparklings with then a Prime?"

Some small part of Jazz's mainframe was pleased to note that he wasn't the only mech in the room gaping in abject shock. The rest of him was just trying to reign in enough processing power to remain standing. Ironhide wasn't so lucky. Prowl actually managed to stammer out, "Do you have anything else to say for yourself?"

Spoiler was slowly backing up against the wall. "Does the defense 'it seemed like a really good idea at the time' hold up at all? Cause if not, I'm just gonna come right out and blame Scavanger for the idea. Skywarp helped!"

Have a baby

Have a baby

It's easy and fun!

Have a baby

Go on try one

Related Music: Rachel Arieff and the Smileytown Boys - Have a Baby

8-8-8-8

Angst Behind the Humor:

Apparently bots can do a lot more than just blame a femme for trying. Like keep her locked up alone and in suspense. I'm in deep slag, Spoiler thought. Can I even salvage this situation? Beyond my parts ending up in some squishy's salvage yard...

Staring from neutralized cell bars to the rather impressive hole in the adjacent cell wall, she regretted the limitation of her programmed skill set. Otherwise an escape plan might be among her possibilities. Before she could continue with self deprecating thoughts, movement within the charred hole caught her attention. Curiously she looked closer at the darkness between the support structures. A pair of glowing red optics shined back at her.

I used to think that there was nothing I could do

Boo Hoo

I couldn't sign my name and I couldn't add two plus two

But then-