A few hours after enjoying their grass and booze, Spider-Man and Deadpool lied down on the floor and looked up at the ceiling.
"Hey…Spider-Man?" Deadpool spoke up for the first time in about 3 hours; a new record.
"Yeah?" Spider-Man responded in monotone.
"Are we out of our high?" Deadpool asked. Deadpool could never tell when he was sober.
"Yeah…" Spider-Man continued to talk in his drug-induced monotone. "Why?"
"I think I smell meatloaf," Deadpool was right; it was dinner time.
"Let's go!" Spider-Man jumped up and ran towards the kitchen.
"Hey, wait up!" Deadpool ran after his best friend; tripping over himself a time or two.
Downstairs, Mr. Possible was helping his wife with dinner and discussing her visiting "family".
"So, your sister just suddenly has kids in their 20's and they come to visit out of the blue? And they walk around in masks and spandex?" Mr. Possible still found the news of his new family…interesting to say the least.
"Yes, but I don't think we have anything to worry about," Mrs. Possible reassured as she faked a smile that could win an Oscar and walked towards the table with the plates. "Besides, they're nice boys."
As soon as Anne said those words, she and her husband began to hear a struggle coming from the dining room. When they walked in, they saw Spider-Man and Deadpool fighting over who got the head seat.
"Move over, buttfucker! I want the head seat!" Demanded Spider-Man as he continued to push Deadpool off the chair.
"No way, bunghole; I get the head seat!" Deadpool tried to push Spider-Man off but Spider-Man got the upper hand and pushed Deadpool off; all in front of the Possible parents.
"Nice boys?" Mr. Possible asked his wife.
"They paid $100 just to stay," was her only reply.
Kim, her twin brother Jim and Tim, and Ron, came downstairs to join for dinner. As soon as they got down, the twins stared in amazement at the two superheroes sitting at the able.
"Cool!" Jim and Tim said in unison as they stared at Spider-Man and Deadpool.
"Hey, kids," Spider-Man greeted the small boys.
"What are you guys doing here?" Jim asked as every sat down to the table and the food was set down.
"We're your cousins, boys," Deadpool lied for the sake of the fanfiction.
"Really?" the twins asked in unison, again.
"Yeah, whatever," was Spider-Man's only replied.
"This is the most amazing thing to ever happen to us," Jim exclaimed, the irony passing through his head.
"Indeed it is, Jimmy boy…" Deadpool reached into his boxers, took out a pistol, and was about to hand it over to Jim. "Have a gun."
"Deadpool!" Mrs. Possible yelled. "No guns at the table!"
"What? It's not even loaded," Deadpool pointed the gun to the side and pulled the trigger; firing the one bullet that was in the chamber, causing everyone at the table to flinch. "Whoops."
"How did you get that gun here if you're not wearing any pants?" Kim asked Deadpool as he put the gun away.
"Sometimes it takes a lot of lubricant; other times it's hammer space," Deadpool explained, much to everyone's disgust.
Mr. Possible just sighed. "Let's just eat."
While everyone took a normal serving of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and vegetables, Spider-Man and Deadpool each took half of what was left and poured gravy over everything. They then began to devour their food; which was surprising to everyone at the table since they ate with their masks on.
"How can you eat if you're wearing masks?" Kim asked. Deadpool stopped his pigging out for a second to look at her.
"How can you be eighteen and still have the tits of a 12-year-old who just hit puberty?" Deadpool replied, causing Kim to glare at the former mercenary.
"So says the human scab," Kim commented on Deadpool's "skin condition".
Deadpool glared at the teen hero. "So you want to start the insulting already, huh? Well, here's an interesting question; how come in every fanfic I ever read involving you, you're always portrayed as a heartless bitch and your blond fuck buddy is portrayed as a god-like, lady killing, fighting machine with a huge dick?"
After Deadpool uttered that last part, Spider-Man gave Ron a hard punch in the arm.
"Ouch! What was that for?" asked Ron as he rubbed his arm.
"That was for having sex with the Black Cat before I ever could," Spider-Man explained; much to the shock of everyone at the table.
"Dude!" Deadpool exclaimed to his best friend.
"I've been busting my hump for years trying to tap that ass!" Spider-Man whined before remembering something. "Oh yeah. That reminds me."
Spider-Man punched Ron again. "And that was for having sex with Gwen Stacey. First she gives it away to that fucker Norman Osborn and now she gives it away to your needle dick."
Everyone sat in silence at the wake of this strange conversation.
"Considering the insanity you two have displayed today, I'm not going to believe anything you just said," Kim concluded.
"Fair enough," Spider-Man replied.
"Spider-Man, what happened to you?" Ron asked his favorite hero. "This isn't how I expected you to turn out."
"Let me guess; you expected me to live happily ever after with my darling wife, Mary Jane; have a great job; and have a few kids, right?" Spider-Man pointed out the plot details of the typical fan comic. "Well here's reality for you, butthole; I'm divorced, childless, I've been screwed over by the fucking superhuman registration act, I work in a fucking convenience store, and all my money goes to my filthy cunt of an ex wife."
"Do you have to use so many curse words?" Mr. Possible asked his potty mouthed "nephew".
There was a brief silence before Spider-Man responded with "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Mr. Possible just groaned before turning to his wife. "How long are they going to stay here again?"
Mrs. Possible nervously looked over to Deadpool, who only winked at her and pointed a gun finger at her. Hint Hint.
"As long as they need to."
8 AM the Next Morning
Kim yawned as she walked towards the garage, ready to work out. As she reached the door, she heard some strange noises coming from inside the garage. Thinking there was an intruder in her house; she readied herself for a fight as she slowly, and quietly, opened the door. What she saw instead was Deadpool, in his full gear, playing around with a pair of nunchucks and making wild noises.
"Deadpool?" Kim called out and he stopped what he was doing.
"Oh, morning, Kim," Deadpool greeted as he put his weapon away.
"What're you doing?" she asked as she walked into the garage.
"Meh. I woke up early, got tired of Spider-Man humping his bed, and couldn't find any stag movies in the basement; so, I decided to work out a bit," Deadpool explained.
"Oh. Well, I was going to do the same…"Kim began but was cut off by Deadpool.
"Not another word, young lady. You need to train your young, yet surprisingly round, butt to save the world and your cousin Deadpool is going to help you!" yelled Deadpool.
"Really?" Kim raised an eyebrow. "You know martial arts?"
"What kind of silly question is that? I don't get these buns of steel by sitting on my butt and watching 'the Golden Girls'," Deadpool turned around and pointed his thumb at his buttocks emphasize his point.
"What styles do you know?" Kim asked as she got into a battle position.
"Oh, I know just about every kind known to mankind," Deadpool said as he stretched. "I could probably even give Chuck Norris a run for his money. Just don't tell Chuck I said that. NOW BEGIN!!!"
Kim didn't have enough time to ready herself as Deadpool performed a roundhouse kick to her side; sending her flying into a wall on the other side of the garage.
"Deadpool, what the…" Kim was cut off by more of Deadpool's mad ramblings.
"Velcome to Deadpool's house of pain! And now, I vill break you, little girly girl!" Deadpool screamed in a foreign accent. He then jumped into the air and came down with the intent of landing on Kim's head. She rolled out of the way just in time. She retaliated by kicking Deadpool in the gut and then the head and jumped up.
Deadpool rubbed his head while growling like a pissed off grizzly bear and unsheathed the swords on his back. "Now your new lesson; if you can dodge a sword, you can dodge a punch."
Deadpool slashed at Kim multiple times; she dodged all of them and kicked him in the balls.
Deadpool moaned in pain and dropped his swords to cover his damaged crotch. "The one day I forgot to wear my cup!"
Deadpool fell to the ground and curled up into a little ball.
"Deadpool, what the hell is your problem?!" Kim asked the downed lunatic.
Deadpool looked up to look at his sparring partner. "Kim, I'm Deadpool; this is to be expected. Also, most fans would have liked it if I won the fight. So be thankful that the author had a change of heart."
"Whatever," Kim began to walk out but Deadpool grabbed her ankle.
"Kimmie, you mind not telling your parents about this?" Deadpool pleaded.
"I'll let you off the hook only because of your condition," Kim sighed.
"Good. I'll see you later," Deadpool replied before passing out.
Later that Day
Spider-Man walked outside to get some air. He saw Jim and Tim tinkering with something on the other side of the yard and he decided to see what they were making.
"Hey boys, what are you making," Spider-Man asked the boy geniuses.
"We're making a rocket," Jim answered.
"A rocket, eh?" Spider-Man looked over the rocket. It seemed to be a small rocket that looked like a model; the only difference was that its launch button was attached to a 2 foot cord.
"You know something boys, if you pick up the stand and hoist it over your shoulder…" Spider-Man did just as he said. "Then you got yourself a rocket launcher."
"Really?" they couldn't believe that they just created an actual weapon.
"Of course. Now, let's test it out. This thing fueled up?" Spider-Man asked the twins who responded with a nod. "Good."
Spider-Man licked his thumb and pointed it in the air to see where the winds were heading. "Okay…she lives in the west…the winds are on my side today…and…FIRE IN THE HOLE, BITCH!"
Spider-Man pushed the button and fired the rocket to an unknown location. A very far, unknown location considering there was no explosion.
"You didn't hit anything," commented Jim.
Spider-Man just laughed, knelt down behind the twins and wrapped his arms around their shoulders. "Didn't I, boys?"
Hollywood, California
Mary Jane Watson stood outside a Hollywood apartment building, covered in ash next to a burning pile of metal that was once her car; her only memory being that she was about to enter her car before it got hit by some kind of projectile.
"HA-HA!" Venom yelled from his apartment window above.
Back in Middleton; a Few Hours Later
It was night time and the Hero Clerks couldn't sleep. So, they did the only thing they could think of; play "Rock Band". The family upstairs wouldn't have minded so much if Deadpool wasn't singing Lady GaGa.
I want your loving
And I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
I want your loving
All your love is revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Spider-Man stopped his drum playing to look at his watch. "Dude! Dude, pause! We gotta watch E! News."
Deadpool paused the game to look at his best friend. "Why?"
"You'll see," was Spider-Man's only reply.
Deadpool changed the channel to the E! "Entertainment" Network (I use that word loosely).
"Tonight; actress Mary Jane Watson's car was destroyed today by some kind of rocket. Followed by whatever Kim Kardashian's doing today," reported the homo-in denial, Ryan Seacrest.
"Spidey, did you…?" Deadpool asked.
Spider-Man just smiled beneath his mask and gave Deadpool his fist and the two friends fist tab.
"Excuse me," Kim called from up the stairs. "Um, yeah, I have to get up early for school tomorrow, so can you two keep it down…or at least let Spider-Man sing?"
Spider-Man and Deadpool look at each other before Deadpool turned the TV back to the Rock Band screen and sang louder than ever.
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-Roma-ma-ah!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance
Kim just rolled her eyes and decided to make the best of the night.
The Next Morning
Spider-Man and Deadpool walked down into the kitchen, fully refreshed; a sharp contrast to the entire Possible family who had bloodshot eyes.
"How'd everyone sleep last night?" Spider-Man asked as he and his best friend sat down at the kitchen table.
"We would've slept a lot better if somebody hadn't spent all night playing 'Poker Face'!" Kim glared at Deadpool.
"Oh, come on! It could've been a lot worse. I could've spent all night playing 'Barbie Girl' and I would too," Deadpool defended.
Suddenly, the 90's Spider-Man theme song started blaring and Spider-Man picked up his cell-phone to see who was calling. "Excuse me; I have to go out and take this call."
Spider-Man walked out the kitchen door to the backyard and answered his phone.
"Oh boy! He's going to talk to his ex-wife!" Deadpool squealed like a little girl as he served himself some cereal and looked out the window.
"What's so interesting about that?" Mr. Possible asked his nutty "nephew".
"Shhh!" Deadpool demanded as the spectacle began.
"Hey, MJ, how's my favorite ex-wife…" Spider-Man asked; the sarcasm barely noticeable. "Yeah, car got destroyed by some kind of rocket, yeah, sad. He-he…oh, no, I wasn't laughing at you… wait, slow down, why are you calling me? Mary Jane, I paid your god damn alimony last month; it was my entire paycheck… you don't think I know that was barely enough. You sure you didn't get enough payment by taking away my dignity… Mary Jane, your car isn't my fucking problem and besides, it was my car before you took it in the divorce and you took my name off the insurance… Mary Jane I'm not going to pay more alimony just so you can get another car! I'm on vacation! Besides, shouldn't your job of sucking Steven Spielberg's cock pay for at least 3 new cars… Oh so you want to bring your lawyer into this, huh? Threaten me with a lawsuit, huh?"
"Oh, boy, this is where it gets good!" Deadpool jumped up and down lightly at what was to come.
"BITCH! YOU FUCKING THREATEN ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER THERE AND BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF YOU! I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING THROAT OPEN! I'LL SMASH YOUR FACE IN WITH A BRICK! YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!" Spider-Man yelled at his ex before hanging up.
Kim opened the door. "Spider-Man, there are kids present!"
Kim pointed to a group of elementary school kids waiting for their bus; staring at the former hero who just made a death threat to his ex-wife.
"Oh, there are kids present," Spider-Man mocked before turning to Kim. "Bitch, please! That 12-year-old in the pigtails has probably sucked more cock then your mother has!"
"What did you say?!" Anne yelled from inside the kitchen.
"He said 'That 12-year-old in the pigtails has probably sucked more cock then your mother has'. That's you, Auntie Anne," Deadpool explained.
Anne just growled in frustration. "Forget it, I'm going to work."
"Me too," Mr. Possible followed his wife outside.
"I'm going to school," Kim responded and her brothers followed her out.
Spider-Man walked back inside the house to join Deadpool. "Well, looks like we have the house to ourselves. What should we do?"
"ABC's showing 'Power Rangers: Turbo'. Wanna watch?" Deadpool optioned.
"I hated that series," Spider-Man responded.
The friends pondered for a little while.
"We could go through the girls' underwear drawers," Deadpool optioned again.
"Nah. I've seen enough thongs and multi-colored dildos at the X-Men's mansion," Spider-Man responded.
The friends pondered a little bit more.
"Where did Kim say she was going, again?" asked Deadpool.
"To school," answered Spider-Man.
"You wanna go there?" Deadpool propositioned.
"Okay," the two friends walked outside and got inside the tumbler to set out and cause a little chaos.
Next Chapter: Fast Times at Middleton High