Middleton High School: 8:00am

It was such a normal Monday at Middleton High that as the students walked in, they failed to notice the black tank parked across the street; or the two costumed individuals sitting on top of it.

"High school," Spider-Man sighed with nostalgia.

"Yeah…you wanna go inside? Cause a little mayhem?" Deadpool asked his best friend.

"Do I have to be the nerd?" Spider-Man asked, hoping to avert his usual role.

"Do I have to be the jock?" Deadpool asked rhetorically.

"No," Spider-Man replied.

"There's your answer," Deadpool jumped off the top of the tumbler.

"Uh, dude. Aren't you forgetting something?" Spider-Man pointed at the guns and swords Deadpool had surrounding himself.

Deadpool groaned as he removed his weapons. "Damn high schools. No respect for the second amendment. Thanks a lot, Columbine."

Once Deadpool, reluctantly, put all his guns into the car, he and Spider-Man put on their disguises. Deadpool wore a baseball cap and leather jacket while Spider-Man wore a snow cap and a sports jacket.

"Let's go," Spider-Man insisted and the two friends walked into the school. Before they walked in, Deadpool saw something that caught his attention.

"Hey, check it out," Deadpool pointed at a poster that showed Mike Huckabee standing in a Superman pose in front of the American Flag.

"Huckabee's running for president, again?" Spider-Man looked closer at the poster. "In 2010?!"

"He really thinks they're going to impeach Obama?" Deadpool asked his best friend.

"What is he now; a secret Jew?" Spider-Man rolled his eyes.

"I don't know man; but if he is, more power to him. I've always wanted a black, Jewish president. I'm getting tired of the usual 'white, Christian' stuff," Deadpool explained as they walked into the high school; ignoring the glances they got.

"What do we do now?" Spider-Man asked; wondering what to do in a high school.

"What class does Kim have for first period?" was Deadpool's only reply.

History

Kim sighed as she sat down in history class; happy just to be away from her extended family.

"Hey, Kim. How's it going?" Monique, one of Kim's friends, asked as she sat beside her.

"My cousins' have just come to visit," Kim admitted.

"So? You've never had a problem with you cousins' coming over before," Monique pointed out.

"Yeah, but these are cousins that I've never met before. They came in suddenly and things have been nuts. Both of them won't shut up, spend the whole day smoking pot and playing 'Band Hero' to the highest volume level, and one of them is a psycho who knows kung fu and carries weapons everywhere," Kim explained about her extended family.

"That bad, huh?" Monique asked.

"That's barely scratching the surface. They both spend their days in spandex and masks that I sometimes think that they're not really my cousins but escaped mental patients. Either that or they're actually ex-heroes," Kim explained before their history teacher, a middle aged brunette, came into the room.

"Okay, class, take your seats. Today, we'll…" the teacher was interrupted by a knock on the door; and through the glass on the door, the students saw the faces of Spider-Man and Deadpool.

"RETARD CLASS!!!" Spider-Man and Deadpool yelled as they put a piece of paper with the exact words that they said on the glass.

"What?! Come back here you two!" the history teacher demanded as she ran to the door but Deadpool used his teleportation device to transport himself and Spider-Man to another area of the school; much to the shock and awe of everyone in the class.

"Were those your cousins?" Monique asked and all the students in the classroom looked at Kim; who could only put her face in her hands and shake her head in shame.

Later at the Library

Spider-Man and Deadpool decided to glance through the books; and all they found were a bunch of "Twilight" books and "National Geographic's" without any naked foreign ladies.

"How many fucking copies of the 'Twilight' series do these people have in their library?" asked Spider-Man.

"A better question would be why girls cream themselves over this Edward queer," responded Deadpool before closing up "New Moon". "But not to worry, little buddy; these books do have a purpose. They're great for practicing martial arts!"

Deadpool threw the book in the air and kicked it across the room.

"Two points!" exclaimed Deadpool.

"'Twilight'- eat shit and die!" Spider-Man punched the book away.

"'Eclipse'-prepare to be terminated!" Deadpool brought his head down and split the annoying, published vampire fanfiction in half.

"To hell with 'Breaking Dawn'!" Spider-Man ripped every page out of the book and threw them up into the air.

"What the hell is going on here?!" the old librarian asked the two former superheroes.

"We're destroying a bunch of crappy book," answered Spider-Man.

"Can we take the rest of them and have a book burning?" Deadpool asked.

"Get out of my library and head straight to the Principal's office. NOW!" the librarian demanded.

"Certainly, you old hag," Spider-Man responded before he and Deadpool walked out.

"Dumbass!" Deadpool muttered as he and Spider-Man walked down the hallway; and obviously not to the Principal's office.

"What do we do now?" as soon as Spider-Man asked this, the school announcements suddenly came on.

"Attention all seniors. Report to the auditorium for a special presentation," the announcer reported to the school.

"Bingo!" whispered Deadpool; a rare event considering his habits.

Auditorium

Steve Barkin, the most well know teacher in Middleton High, stood on the auditorium stage to address all the students. Prom Night was around the corner and as usual, he had to make sure the students stayed sober on that night.

"Seniors; today's assembly is about the dangers of drugs and alcohol during prom night…" Mr. Barkin began but was cut off by, quite possibly, the voice of evil itself.

"Up yours, Barkin!" Deadpool yelled as he and Spider-Man walked in from the back of the stage; much to the embarrassment of Kim and the joy of the students who cheered them on.

"DRUGS RULE!" Spider-Man yelled as he threw his hands in the air and made devil horns while Deadpool did the roof raising.

"Marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol!" Deadpool sang.

Mr. Barkin growled at the two unknown students as he stomped over to them and grabbed them by the collar of their jackets.

"Get off my stage!" he demanded as he threw the two, masked, jackasses off; they landed face first into a pair of chairs right next to Kim and Ron.

"Are you two trying to make my life a living hell?" she growled.

"Only a little," Deadpool admitted as he and his best friend got up and rubbed their heads.

"Okay, maggots; thanks to the two dumbasses in spandex, I'm going to skip the introduction and get straight on to the movie," Mr. Barkin barked out before looking at the projection booth. "Get started, nerd!"

"Please tell me you two will stay still during the…" Kim turned to look at her cousins, but it seemed as if they had disappeared. "Oh no."

Inside the projection booth, the projectionist was webbed up to the wall; courtesy of your ex-friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

"Just a minute, Sir," Spider-Man called out from inside the booth while pretending to be the nerdy projectionist. "There's a problem with the film reel."

"Yeah, there's no nudity," snickered Deadpool as he pulled a second reel out his jacket. "Hey, Spidey; why don't you explain how these things work while I set everything up."

"Certainly…" Spider-Man said as Deadpool sat down and began to open up both film reels and cutting up some "special" frames and pasting them together.

Spider-Man turned around to look at "you"-and I do mean "you", the reader. "See, kids, a movie doesn't come in one big reel. It comes in several. So someone has to be around has to be there to switch the projectors at the exact moment that one reel ends and the next one begins. If you look for it, you can see these little dots come into the upper right-hand corner of the screen."

Deadpool pointed at one of these little dots on the upper right-hand corner of the screen. Which was odd considering this is a written fanfiction and not a movie. "In the industry, we call those cigarette burns."

Deadpool got up and walked over to the projector while Spider-Man continued his lecture.

"That's the cue for a changeover. My buddy, Deadpool here, flips the projector, movie starts or keeps on going, and nobody in the audience has any idea," as Spider-Man explained this, Deadpool followed word-for-word.

"Why would anyone want this shitty job?" Deadpool asked "you".

"Because it affords us other interesting opportunities," Spider-Man winked.

"Like splicing single frames of pornography into educational films," Deadpool laughed as he started the projector.

"So when the survivor of the drunken accident on prom night opens up the movie with the tale of how he killed his friends with his own stupidity, that's when you'll catch Deadpool's contribution to the film," while the audience watches the film, the special surprise flashes for a split second.

"Nobody knows that they saw, but they did…" Spider-Man began before he and Deadpool looked at each other.

"A nice, fat, juicy pair of titties!" the friends say in unison before high fiving and watching for more of Deadpool's contribution to the educational film industry.

While the film was playing, more pornography flashed every now and then for a split second. Some students looked rattled, some had their mouths hung open, some cried, and one or two went off to the back to jerk off.

"Why'd you add that frame of the Paris Hilton sex tape?" Spider-Man asked his best friend while watching the film.

"To show kids the dark side of pornography," Deadpool said with a solemn tone to his voice. Spider-Man just gave him a soft pat on the pack to ease his pain.

When the movie was done, Mr. Barkin walked up to the stage; the shock ever evident on his face. "Yes…well… yeah. Anyways, we have a special message today. The leader of our school choir has just one a scholarship to Upperton's School of the Arts. Please rise for Carrie King who will now sing the National Anthem."

Once the red head came up to the stage with a microphone in her hand, the projectionist inside the webbing finally spoke up. "You have to put in the CD for her performance."

"How the hell did you get your head out?!" Deadpool glared at the projectionist.

"He probably ate through the webbing. His bowels will pay for it later," Spider-Man explained. "Also…CD?"

The nerd looked over to a CD that said "Carrie's Performance". Spider-Man opened up the case and inside was a CD with Whitney Houston's performance of the National Anthem.

The two friends looked at each other and smiled.

"You got the new Rob Zombie CD?" Deadpool asked.

Spider-Man took "Hellbilly Deluxe 2" out of his jacket. "Let's play Milli Vanilli!"

Carrie looked up to the projection booth to see her signal to begin. Once she saw thumbs up from the projection booth, she opened her mouth to start singing. But instead of the angelic voice of Whitney Houston, they got something… a little different.

Mechanized head and a God Named Zed
I Keep telling you it's alright
A Parallax view that you can't unscrew
When it all just get's so tight

Rock Mother Fucker
Rock the Mother Fucker
Rock Mother Fucker Yeah

Rock Mother Fucker
Rock the Mother Fucker
Rock Mother Fucker Yeah

All the students stared at Carrie with slacked jaws, finally discovering her secret. All she could do was sit down, pull her knees to her chest, and rock back and forth as her sanity, and career, began to fade away.

Chew it up, Spit it Out
Sick Bubblegum
Blow it up, Spit it out
Sick Bubblegum

Turn it up, Push it Down
Sick Bubblegum
Shove it in, Rip it Up
Sick Bubblegum

Mr. Barkin looked at the projection booth and growled like a wild beast once he saw the two spandex hellions from earlier head-banging. He ran over to the booth with the intent to kill.

"YOU!!!" Mr. Barkin kicked the door in.

Spider-Man and Deadpool turned around and put their arms around each others shoulders.

"Fuck you!" Spider-Man flipped the teacher off before Deadpool used his teleporter to make them disappear; much to Barkin's amazement.

Outside: A Few Minutes before the End of the School Day.

Spider-Man and Deadpool stood outside the school, smoking cigarettes and whistling at girls. Provided they were 18, of course.

"Hey there, barely legal! Ever been with an older man?" Deadpool hollered at a blonde who ignored him.

"Hey baby," Spider-Man whistled at a brunette. "Want to get drunk and watch 'Showgirls'? Naked?"

The young brunette slapped the older hero, knocking away his cigarette, and walked away.

"Fuck! That was my last smoke," Spider-Man sighed. "Oh well. Hey, Deadpool. You want to know what I love about high school girls?"

"What?" Deadpool took a long drag of his cigarette.

"I keep getting older; they stay the same age!" the two friends fist tab. "What do we do now? There's only thirty minutes of class left."

Deadpool just laughed at his friend as he threw away his cigarette. "Yes, Spidey, we're in high school. But here's a better question; have you ever seen 'Porky's'?"

"You don't mean…"

"Wherever there's a hollow wall, there are peepholes to the girls shower. Come on, knock on the wall to see which one's thinner than Lindsay Lohan when she's sober," Deadpool began to knock on the wall alongside Spider-Man.

"You sure we'll find…" Spider-Man knocked on an area of the wall and received an echo. The friends moved the bushes away and found a hole in the wall large enough for a man to fit through. "Thank God for horny kids!"

The friends go inside only to find the pathway blocked by cement.

"God fucking damn it!" Spider-Man, now with massive blue balls, cursed.

"Thanks a lot, Author!" Deadpool said as he and Spider-Man walked away. (A/N: Sorry, Deadpool but I have to move things along).

Bueno Nacho after School.

Kim was hoping to get away from her new cousins and have a nice day at her favorite fast food restaurant with her boyfriend. But no, they even followed her here after humiliating her at her own school. And they weren't wearing their disguises to boot; which meant Deadpool had his swords, guns, and grenades strapped to his body.

"Why do you have to follow me around and destroy everything you touch?" Kim begged to know.

Spider-Man slapped the teen hero's back. "Oh, we'll be destroying a lot of things. Just wait till Christmas."

Deadpool looked over the menu before pulling Ron next to him. "Hey, little dick, why don't you tell me what's good on the menu and I'll reconsider putting a grenade up your butt."

Ron shuddered at Deadpool's threat. "W-W-Well, the naco's an excellent delicacy…"

"Your usefulness has ended. Now shut the fuck up," Deadpool pushed Ron away. "All right, give me and my friend here two naco's and two large mountain dews."

"Two naco's and two large mountain dews; they're for some guys in spandex," the greasy faced, stoner spoke into the mike.

"What the fuck does that mean? Are you going to spit in it now?" Spider-Man glared at the teen.

"No…" the stoner went back to his mike. "Don't spit in the psychos' food."

After Kim and Ron made their orders, all four of them went over to the table.

Spider-Man and Deadpool grabbed their naco's and took a bite; only to start spitting it out after experiencing the overload of fake cheese, trans fat, grease, and stale tortilla chips.

"Oh my God, it's horrible!" Spider-Man gagged.

"Jesus, it's like Rush Limbaugh took a dump in my mouth!" Deadpool bent his head back and downed his soda to get rid of the awful taste.

"How the fuck can you eat this fucking shit, you fucking fuckers?" asked Spider-Man.

"Spider-Man, there are kids here- again!" Kim warned her cousin.

"Fuck them! They're going to be shooting fire out of their assholes in the next few hours! A few curse words are the least of their worries!" Once Spider-Man said this, many kids put down their food while others continued to devour it, thinking that the idea of shooting fire out of their rectums pretty cool.

"How can you not enjoy the naco?" Ron couldn't believe what he just said.

"The fact that it tastes like Kim Kardashian's vagina! Poisonous!" answered Spider-Man.

"Look, I can probably look past the awful taste; but I have one question. Does this look like spit to you?" Deadpool held up the naco to Kim's face.

Kim looked over the fake Mexican food and did indeed see a wet spot. "Yeah, I think so."

Spider-Man and Deadpool ran over to the clerk that just served them.

"Fucking taco punk!" Spider-Man jumped over the counter and tackled the clerk to the ground.

Deadpool followed suit and began to kick the downed clerk. "Spit in our food, will you?"

Everyone just sat by and watched as the two costumed customers beat up on the down clerk.

Before Kim could stop her family from beating up on the poor soul, a familiar beep came out of her pocket.

"What's the sitch, Wade?" Kim asked the usual question to her young informant through her "Kimmunicator".

"Kim, Drakken just stole a rare animal from a New Zealand testing lab," Wade informed.

"Please tell me that our ride will get here soon and get me far away from my new family as possible," Kim pleaded.

"New family?" Kim pointed her device towards Spider-Man and Deadpool, who were now standing over the broken clerk in the fetal position.

"Now you better not spit in our food again, you fucking meth addict!" Spider-Man threatened.

"Because if we ever decide to come back here and we find spit; I'm going to cut off your nuts and shove up your nostrils!" Deadpool took out one of his Sais to drive his point home.

"You're related to a former mercenary and a disgraced ex-superhero?" Wade quirked an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Well… your ride will be at your house in about half an hour," Wade promised.

"Thanks, Wade," Kim thanked her friend before hanging up.

"Hey, little lady. What's going on?" Deadpool and Spider-man walked back to the table.

"Um, something's came up. Me and Ron have to get going," she lied.

"Well before you leave, riddle me this. Who's that young lady over there?" Deadpool pointed at a brunette with tanned skin.

"Her? She's Bonnie Rockwaller. She's a bit of a pain, so I wouldn't recommend trying to make friends with her," Kim advised.

"Friends? I just want to know if she gives blowjobs in alleyways!" said Deadpool.

Kim just shrugged her shoulders. "Why don't you ask?"

Deadpool casually walked over to Bonnie's table and kneeled over it.

"Hey, baby."

"Get away from me, you freak!" Bonnie tried to push Deadpool away but he wouldn't budge.

"Now let's not get too hasty, babe. I just wanted to know if you'd like to polish my gun?" Deadpool prepositioned.

"What?"

"You know, polish my gun," Deadpool took out his silver pistol, which caused everyone in the restaurant to duck.

"You know, wipe it down, and give it a little spit shine…" Deadpool spat on his gun and wiped it. "And make sure it doesn't fire off too early."

The gun did fire and the bullet hit the clerk that Deadpool had just beat up, in the shoulder.

"It was the Goth kid in the trench coat!" Deadpool threw the gun away and ran out of the restaurant with Spider-Man next to him.

Later

Kim Possible sighed as she sat down in the Black Hawk helicopter taking her, and Ron, to their mission.

"Thank God that's over with," Kim smiled.

"What?" Ron asked.

"I'm finally away from those two mental patients that I call my cousins."

"Yeah, I guess your right," Ron conceded. "So what do we do to kill time? Is there a movie on this flight?"

"No and I doubt you're going to join the mile high club," Kim and Ron cringed at what sounded like Tom Cruise's voice scraped with a cheese grater.

They turned around and Kim's fear came true; Spider-Man and Deadpool were sitting in the back seat.

"How did you get in here?" Kim squeaked.

Deadpool grabbed his belt with his symbol on it. "Teleportation device, my bubble butted cousin. Never leave home without it."

Kim shook her head like a mad epileptic as sweat began to pour down her head.

"No…no…no…"

"Yes, yes, yes!" Spider-Man mocked.

Outside the helicopter, many people could hear a female wale of…

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Next Chapter: Death and a Rat Monkey

Spider-Man's note: He should've let us see inside the girls shower room. He could've written down that the girls in there were 18. All that barely legal pussy gone to waste.

Deadpool's Note: You may want to leave Spider-Man alone for a while. He's always cranky when he has blue balls.

Spider-Man's Note: FUCK YOU!

Deadpool's Note: Anyways, the author of this fic owns nothing and the song used in this chapter was Rob Zombie's "Sick Bubblegum".