Kim Possible was having the worst day of her life in what was probably the worst week of her life. First, her insane, spandex-clad cousins snuck into her high school, humiliated her in her history class, ruined the school presentation, and caused mayhem at the Bueno Nacho. And now, they snuck into the plane that was flying towards her mission; and there was no place for them to land so they were tagging along whether she wanted to or not.
"Why? Why did you have to follow me now?" Kim asked Spider-Man and Deadpool.
Spider-Man shrugged his shoulders. "There was no porn in your house, there wasn't anything good on TV and well, in general we were bored and there was nothing to do but do what you're doing and pretend to be superheroes… again."
"Plus, your Mom found us playing with her underwear and having a race with her vibrators so we had to high tail it before she found the whip she uses to smack your Dad when they want to 'spice things up'," Deadpool laughed much to the confusion, and disgust, of Kim and Ron.
"But, but why?" Kim asked. "You two aren't allowed to do any superhero duties since you lost that right after the Civil War in 2007."
Spider-Man just laughed menacingly. "Which is why you're going to keep your mouth shut, unless you want 'somebody' to go over to SHIELD headquarters and tell them how a certain red-haired, boobless teenager and her humanoid dildo are going around fighting half-assed super villains."
Kim just stared at her arachnid powered relative. "What kind of threat is that? Me and Ron both registered as heroes last year."
They both flashed their SHEILD IDs at the stunned, costumed duo.
"Also, what is it with you two and the constant sexual references?" Ron asked.
"Put a cock in your mouth, asshole!" Spider-Man demanded.
"And why does it usually relate to the male anatomy?" Ron continued.
"Seriously, kid; shut the fuck up. Hey, that's funny; I'm usually the one being told to shut up and yet it's me telling someone else to shut up. But anyway…" Deadpool removed his pistol from his holster and aimed it at the two teens. "I'm not afraid to shoot anyone for annoying me or for no particular reason because I'm a heroic sociopath with little regard for human life. So, if you try to tell anyone of our unregistered activity, the headlines will say 'Kim Possible found dead and naked in the ocean along with her fully clothed lover/sidekick'. Though I don't think it'll be on the front page because the tabloids will be too occupied on Heidi Montag's 6th boob job or how much more pudding is in Kim Kardashian's left butt cheek."
Everyone was staring at Deadpool after his meaningless ramble. Except for Spider-Man who had become used to Deadpool going on about nothing and would sometimes join him.
"What…the heck are you just talking about?" Kim asked.
"He means that if you don't keep your piehole shut, you die," Spider-Man translated Deadpool's threat.
"Fair enough!" Kim and Ron quickly turned around, looking away from the two maniacs.
"What do we do now?" Ron asked, worried about what might happen to them with Deadpool and an uncaring Spider-Man by him and his girlfriend's side.
"Well, we could probably use their help...provided they don't kill anyone," Kim tried to make the best of the situation.
"I'm scared," Ron admitted.
"Me too," Kim agreed.
Suddenly Rufus, Ron's pet naked mole rat, popped out of his master's pocket. "Scared of what?"
"Rodent! Filth! Disease! Kill it!" Deadpool yelled and pointed at the naked mole rat; providing an answer to Rufus' question.
"Huh?" Rufus, Ron, and Kim asked in unison and were answered by Deadpool throwing one of his Sais at the naked mole rat; just barely missing his head.
Deadpool jumped out of his seat, unsheathed his sword, and ran towards Rufus for the kill. Rufus screamed and jumped out of Ron's pocket before Deadpool could make the first slice and crawled up to the roof.
"Oh no, you filthy rodent! You're not getting away that easily," Deadpool promised before slicing at the roof to get at the scared naked mole rat.
"Deadpool what are you doing?" Kim screamed as she got out of her seat.
"We must stop this animal from spreading his deadly herpes!" Deadpool yelled before continuing his mad attack on the helpless pet before cornering him.
"Prepare to be terminated, little rodent!" Deadpool hissed in a mock Austrian accent.
Deadpool raised both his katanas over his head while Rufus was shaking and sweating wondering what the fuck was going on.
"Can't believe I have to do this a second time," Kim muttered to herself before kicking Deadpool in the groin for the second time; only this time it had no effect.
"I came prepared this time, little lady," Deadpool laughed as he patted his crotch to prove that he remembered to wear his cup this time. "And you know something; I just changed my mind about killing this little pink dildo down here. Instead, I think I'll take my frustrations with life on some henchmen when we reach Peter Jackson's home country."
Deadpool put his swords back in his sheath and knelt down to pet Rufus. "But make no mistake, you little wiener; I will kill you. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next time I come to visit."
Rufus ran back into Ron's pocket as Deadpool walked back to his seat.
"Hey, Blondie," Spider-Man called out to Ron. "If Rufus is your pet, why didn't you try to help him when Deadpool was trying to cut him into little pieces?"
"He's a psychotic mercenary covered in swords, guns, knives, and grenades! Doesn't get any more obvious than that," Ron pointed out.
"Guess he's not the hero here, huh?" Spider-Man whispered to his best friend.
"Yeah, he's actually smart," Deadpool snickered.
45 Minutes Later
The first 45 minutes of the trip was pretty quiet; and of course the two former heroes in the back had to ruin it.
Deadpool made little tracking noises as he lifted his gun and aimed it towards the back of Kim's head. As soon as she turned around to find the source of the noise, Deadpool instantly stopped and hid his gun as if nothing had happened.
As soon as Kim turned around, Deadpool repeated the process and made the tracking noises louder. When Kim turned around again, Deadpool made a small bang noise and laughed at Kim's flinching.
"Put that gun away!" Kim demanded.
"Fine," Deadpool complied as he put his weapon away.
"Hey Kim, I have a quick question," Spider-Man asked as he got off his seat.
"Fine! It's a step in the right direction, I guess," Kim replied.
"It's about when we get to New Zealand…" Spider-Man began once he was standing next to his "cousin" and her boyfriend.
"Yes?" Kim's interest was peaked.
"You think Shego will suck my cock if I ask nicely?" Kim's eyes widened at Spider-Man's question while Deadpool erupted with laughter at the fact that his best friend actually asked that question.
"W-What kind of sick question is that?" Kim asked; her face beat red.
"Well, from what I heard she'll either fuck anybody, is a full blown lesbian, or she goes both ways. And I'm not going to lie; I've been masturbating to her ever since I got divorced. That fantasy with Shego, Ms. Marvel, and Black Cat is my definite favorite. And I'm not going to lie; Shego has a GRRRREEEAT ASS! So I just wanted to know since I was probably going to meet my boner dream, I just wanted to make sure I had a chance at getting some head…maybe even some full blown sex and ass grabbing," Spider-Man explained much to Kim's disgust and Ron's interest.
"You… bug off!" Kim tried to hide her curse since she was the star of a G-rated cartoon.
"Aha! I almost made you say 'fuck off' didn't I?" Spider-Man rubbed in.
"Go away!" Spider-Man walked back to his seat laughing.
2 Hours Later
Right now, instead of being in fear for their lives, Kim and Ron were being driven insane by Spider-Man and Deadpool's conversation. They were talking about, of all things, Power Rangers.
"No way, ass sucker; Magna Defender was the greatest Ranger of all time!" Deadpool claimed.
"First off, Magna wasn't an official Ranger. Second, he appeared for like, less than 10 episodes and was replaced by a less badass character that barely used his powers. And third, all he had was a shotgun, a cape, and a bull zord. Now Gold Ranger on the other hand had an awesome staff, the best costume out of all the Rangers in any series, moved like the Flash, and was a former leader," Spider-Man argued.
"Well, first off, Jason didn't become the Gold Ranger until the last half of the season and second…" Deadpool began to cringe a little. "I think that Mountain Dew is trying to come out."
"Me too," Spider-Man cringed. "Hey, Kim, where's the bathroom?"
"There's no bathroom on this plane. That's why we go before we leave," Kim explained.
"What?" Spider-Man exclaimed. "Then when the fuck do we get to New Zealand?"
"In another hour or two," Kim answered.
"What? I can't hold it in for that long!" Deadpool crossed his legs in an attempt to hold it in.
"Oh well," Kim shrugged her shoulders.
"All right, let's just try not to think about it," Spider-Man recommended, in the same position as his best friend.
"Okay, let's continue with our conversation," Deadpool compromised. "Hey, which Pink Ranger was better; Mighty Morphin or Zeo?"
"No, dude; boners make me have to go even more!" Spider-Man complained.
"Oh, right," Deadpool knew the feeling.
"Any other ideas?" asked Spider-Man.
Deadpool tapped his chin for a few seconds before snapping his fingers. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a Nintendo DS with a miniature microphone attached. .
"We can play portable 'American Idol'," Deadpool suggested, much to Kim's fright.
"Okay," said Spider-Man.
"NO!" Kim screamed in fear and jumped out of her seat to take the DS from Deadpool's hand but the former mercenary aimed his pistol at her, stopping her in her tracks.
"You know? I think I'd prefer it if you'd shoot me rather than listen to you sing," Kim admitted.
Deadpool smiled and put his gun away. "Well you better get ready because this is the pop version. Now sit down or else you can listen to whatever song I play with a bullet in your knee."
Kim decided to listen to her demented cousin and walked back to her seat, preparing for the worst.
1 Hour and 30 Minutes Later
Kim and Ron were going mad after listening to Deadpool sing everything from a dozen Britney Spears songs, 5 Lady Gaga songs, and even Bangles and the Go-Go's. Kim suggested that Spider-Man sing a bit, but he thought that watching Kim and Ron's teeth chattering was too much fun. When Ron suggested that Kim sing, Spider-Man told them both to go fuck themselves.
"IIIIIIII, I'M STORNGER!" Deadpool finished the song.
Suddenly, as if an angel of mercy had come to save them, the pilot came out of the cockpit.
"We're almost above the lair. Get ready to drop," the Pilot announced.
"Thank you!" Kim cried out before she and Ron went to get their parachutes. Once they had them on, they walked over to the, now opened, rear entrance and jumped out. Before Spider-Man and Deadpool could follow suit, they noticed something about the pilot.
"Hey, weren't you one of the soldiers photographed torturing those Iraqi prisoners?" Deadpool asked the nervous pilot.
"Yeah, I watched 'Taxi Cab to the Dark Side' a dozen times and your face looks awfully familiar," Spider-Man pointed out.
The Pilot sighed. "Look, I will pay you both $100 if you keep your mouths shut about this. I need this job."
"Make it $200," demanded Deadpool.
The Pilot just growled and paid the two clerks who put the money in their pockets. They then walked over to the rear entrance and prepared to jump.
"Just like old times, little buddy!" Deadpool commented before he jumped out.
"Shoot to thrill!" Spider-Man shouted before following suit.
Kim and Ron landed on the glass dome of Dr. Drakken's 'secret lair'. Though you could hardly call it secret, considering that everyone knew it was in New Zealand.
"Okay, we need to remain quiet," Kim informed Ron.
Ron nodded in agreement before realizing something. "Wait a minute. Where's Deadpool and Spider-Man?"
"BONZAI!" they were answered by Spider-Man and Deadpool flying down, feet first, and crashing through the glass, effectively ruining Kim's plan for a stealthy entrance. But considering what they've done in the past two days, things were only going to get worst. While Kim and Ron were still on the roof, Spider-Man and Deadpool, forgetting that they were on a save-the-world mission, ran towards the bathroom; they both got stuck in the door, struggling over who'd go first.
"No way, Spider-Man, I'm going first!" Deadpool tried to elbow Spider-Man out of the door.
"No way, bunghole, I'm going first!" Spider-Man turned around and began kicking Deadpool in the chest.
"You do and I'll kick your ass!" Spider-Man finally kicked Spider-Man away, closed the door, locked it, and then got business done.
Deadpool banged on the door, trying to draw Spider-Man out. "Get out of there, Spider-Man! I'm going to kick your ass!"
Deadpool then put his head against the door and heard Spider-Man release a long sigh of relief.
"Oh, no you don't, butt fucker!" Deadpool rammed his shoulder into the door, leaving a dent but still no bathroom. He then went over to the other side of the room, picked up a potted plant, and then threw it at the door but only the pot was destroyed and spilled dirt all over the floor.
This caught the attention of a bunch of Drakken's red suited henchmen, who all came behind Deadpool; who was now crossing his legs and holding his crotch in a futile attempt to hold it in.
Noticing the men behind him, Deadpool turned to them and said, "Can you believe this guy? Motherfucker hogs the fucking bathroom!"
All the henchmen stare at Deadpool before one finally spoke up.
"Who are you?" before Deadpool could answer that question, Spider-Man walked out of the bathroom, relief ever evident on his masked face.
"All yours buddy," Spider-Man announced.
"I'll tell you in a minute," Deadpool said before running inside the bathroom and shutting the door.
While Deadpool was away, all the henchmen now stared at Spider-Man who was more familiar to them. Before they could ask anything, Deadpool came out of the bathroom, zipping up his fly.
"That's better. Now, to answer your question; we're the two guys who are going to kick your asses, save the world without it knowing, and cause thousands of dollars in medical, and property, damages," Deadpool explained matter-of-factly and above them, Kim's jaw dropped.
"What?" asked one henchman, him and the entire group in fear for their lives.
"You heard me. Spider-Man, shall we begin?" Deadpool asked his best friend.
"You got those butterfly knives?" Spider-Man asked for a weapon. Deadpool replied by handing his best friend a pair of unfolded butterfly knives then took out one sword and a sub-machine gun.
"All right, you cunts…" Spider-Man unfolded the butterfly knives and got into a battle posed along with Deadpool; both ready for a bloodbath. "Lets see what you can do now."
A/N: Will Spider-Man and Deadpool spill the blood of Drakken's henchmen, and save the world?
Deadpool Note: We better; I haven't killed anything in a long time. And when I don't kill, I become sane and no one likes a sane Deadpool.
A/N: And will Spider-Man's fantasy come true?
Spider-Man Note: I better, God damn it! I haven't had sex in a long ass time!
Deadpool Note: What about Kitana?
Spider-Man Note: 11 out of 10!
A/N: Well this author's note went nowhere; stay tuned for more.