It's times like this when you wish you had someone to hold. All I can do is cry now. I'm supposed to be strong, but this is getting too hard for me. It hurts too much. I can't stand the disrespect. I hate the music and the people. It's too colorless. The windows are really the only things here that are colorful.
I've been asked about six times now why I'm not even tearing up a little. It's hard for me to cry in front of others. I'm used to let downs, but I can't do it to myself. If I cry, it's going to be by myself.
I'm not used to this many people. I don't know probably a quarter of them. I thought this was private. I thought only a few people were to know about it.
Disrespect I tell you.
I'm in the front row too. As I look behind me, I see many tear stained faces. Some in handkerchiefs, some with their eyes closed looking up to the ceiling. Me, my arms folded and my legs crossed.
Physically untouched by sadness.
It's not that I'm upset. I'm angry at myself. I don't know how I could let this happen. How could I have left something so precious, unwatched?
I got the call three days ago… It was a swimming accident. He was never a good swimmer.
How could I let him die alone?
I should have been there with him. I told him he could go swimming if he promised me that he'd stay out of the deep end.
He promised.
I was in another town, about an hour away and I got the phone call. They asked me if I knew a Mail Jeevas. I said that I did. They asked me a few more questions then finally said for me to come down to the morgue to identify a body. I stayed silent for a few seconds. They asked if I was there and I screamed into the phone, "Are you sure it's a Mail Jeevas? Are you sure you're not mixing up names with somebody else?" They said that they were certain it was him and that they needed me to come down to make it official.
I drove back to town, avoiding police patrol areas. I was hoping that they were just mixing up names and that my Matty was safe at home playing his damned video games.
I got home and ran up to our apartment, seeing that the door was left untouched. I went inside and saw a note left on the counter. I didn't bother reading it at the time because I thought it was some kind of grocery list. I grabbed it and shoved it into my back pocket. Running around through the apartment, I was screaming for Matt. After a few seconds of searching, I brought up the courage to finally go to the morgue to see if it was really him.
Once I got there, I sat in the car for a little and held my breath. I got out and went inside reluctantly. They told me to follow this one man into the back which was where they kept all of the bodies.
He brought me into a room with drawers all lined up on the wall. Body drawers.
We walked to one of the drawers and he pulled it out. The body was covered up and all I could do was wait desperately to see. I held my breath as the man pulled back the white sheet. Once I saw that it was indeed, Matt, I wanted to try and somehow wake him up. I pleaded inside my head that it was some sort of joke he was playing on me. The blue in his face proved me wrong though. He was gone.
My Matty was dead.
Well, the next chapter is the last one. My intention was to make people cry. But I know I failed xD So sorry about that.