Perceptions

by Mayushii

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A/N: Thanks go to Avid Reader, Little Sadako, lesfriendly, and Lady in Grey for their reviews last chapter. It always helps me write when I know that people are actually reading my stories. Here's chapter two, which takes place after Rescue Yukina and before the first round of the Dark Tournament. Needless to say, I thought the two months that pass in less than a minute in the anime could use some expansion.

-Love is a higher burning desire-

I'm sure it must sound strange when I say that my youkai soul first was drawn to Hiei's spirit. Many would assume my humanity alone was what made me love him. It is understandable; after all, without human conditioning I wouldn't have been able to conceive of love. In truth, though, I would not have cared for Hiei nearly so much if I hadn't been a youkai first. Our pasts were what bound us together, heavy chains forged from common links of battle and betrayal. I could never have loved him the way I did if we hadn't shared that common bond. So it was my old youkai soul that treasured Hiei's smile and his passion, marks of growing emotional strength which would help him bear the weight of his past.

It took a while for my body to catch up to my spirit. I was attracted to him physically, but for a long time I stubbornly refused to acknowledge those desires. How could I allow my thoughts to wander to Hiei's body when I knew he loathed being touched? Even thinking about physical contact would be an act of betrayal. Not wanting to discomfit him, I resolved to set aside my own needs and forced myself to be satisfied with just being near him.

Things quickly changed once our team began preparations for the Dark Tournament. Concerned by Kuwabara's lack of experience with fighting youkai, Hiei and I agreed to share our human teammate as a sparring partner so he would have as much practice as possible. Unfortunately, my sessions always left me with a faster heartbeat than I cared to admit. Worse, every time I fought I received a potent dose of testosterone, that pesky hormone which prepares a person's body for battle as well as awakens carnal desires. Denying my attraction to Hiei became a torture. But calming my lust was of lower priority than making ready for the tough fights ahead, so I made myself endure each session. Of course, my comrades never made it easy for me.

And then there was the fact that they never seemed to wear shirts when they trained…

During my breaks between spars I watched Hiei and Kuwabara fight. I let myself admire Kuwabara from time to time, amusing myself by imagining the gawky human boy as my lover. I felt safe in doing so because I knew I would never really pursue him—he was far too enamored with Yukina to notice me. I didn't feel as secure when I watched Hiei. Deep down, I feared the temptation would be too much. He entranced me with the grace and precise command of his movements, the way his muscles shifted with each sharp swing of his practice sword, the way his skin shone as it became slick with sweat. Inari help me, I wanted him. I wanted to see if he could keep his careful control while I ran my hands over his chest and licked the salt from his skin…

One day I couldn't watch from the sidelines anymore. Hiei had just performed a simple judo throw and flipped Kuwabara onto his back, and he smirked with an almost boyish pride as the human lay prone at his feet. That display of youkai dominance was…well, it certainly caught my attention. I pressed my thighs together, a bit embarrassed by the sudden heat I felt between them. I shouldn't have been so aroused, but the thought of Hiei playing rough was a little too much for my imagination.

"Hiei," I spoke up, a plan quickly forming in my mind. "Kuwabara is exhausted. Let him catch his breath; you can come over here and spar with me instead."

Hiei let go of Kuwabara's forearm and turned to me, looking intrigued by the proposition. We had never sparred before then—I'm still not sure why. The look in his eyes reminded me of a small boy trying to weigh the potential risks of an adventure but unable to conceive of greater danger than scraped knees. I abruptly wondered if he was too young to be desired. Did his deep voice and handsome body belie his age? He flickered away and reappeared in front of me with his eyebrow pertly raised.

"I'm not going to go easy on you," Hiei warned.

"I wouldn't expect you to," I said, forcing myself to sound calm even as my heart began to pound.

Not another word passed between us before his hands were suddenly on me. Oh Inari, to feel those hands…! My head spun giddily even as his fingers skidded over my arms to try to latch on for a throw. His feet were moving too, quickly slipping and sliding around my ankles in an attempt to sweep my legs out from under me. I could barely focus on the fight as Hiei's body pressed insistently up against mine and tried to wrestle me to the ground. We carried on for about ten minutes, but soon my distraction left me open to a clean sweep. I had just enough time to snag my ankle around his before we both fell with a thud.

For a few seconds we lay there, Hiei's smaller body crumpled on top of mine, catching our breath. Then he gripped my shoulder tightly in one hand and moved his face close to my ear.

"I win," he growled quietly.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end when I heard that husky voice in my ear. I had heard men talk after fights before and knew their voices tended to get lower and rougher, but this was something else…something so primal that it made me ache inside. I told myself that Hiei only sounded like that because we had been fighting, but it did nothing to calm my body or ease my mind. I hoped he would stay still, because if he moved I might die of disappointment.

All too soon he let me up, and I hastily got to my feet and turned away so he wouldn't see the evidence of my desire. I felt guilty for initiating that fight just to get him to touch me, but… At least now I was certain he was no boy. That spine-tinglingly sensual voice was proof of it.

That night I let Hiei enter my fantasies for the first time. I simply couldn't keep myself from it any longer; the tension that had been building in my body was too much to bear. So I locked my window and closed the curtains, praying Hiei wouldn't make a visit to my room. I asked Inari to forgive me for betraying my friend's wishes. Then I lay down in bed and used my imagination to transform our friendly spar into a tantalizing sexual fantasy. I imagined his rough hands grasping my wrists, his full weight pressing down on my body, his warm breath tickling my neck…and most of all, his voice in my ear. Under my breath I whispered his name and pleaded with him for his forgiveness, his love, and many other things I knew he would never give.

I admit, I did feel guilty the first few times I thought of him. Yet I felt certain that I would die if I continued to repress my desires completely. I was doing it only for the sake of survival. With that mindset, I could look Hiei in the face every day no matter what I had imagined the night before.

Contrary to my fantasies, Hiei still wouldn't let anyone near unless they were sparring with him or they had food or medicine. So I volunteered to treat his wounds after his daily sessions with Kuwabara. He could have done it by himself—one simply does not survive in Makai without knowing the basics of healing—but I greedily snatched up every opportunity. I took my time applying medicinal herbs and balms, secretly savoring those moments when I could touch him. I loved the contact, loved that he let me close. I was content with having his trust even if it wasn't quite what I wanted.

By the time the Dark Tournament came, I was inescapably in love. What's more, as our team settled in at the Hotel Kubikukuri I imagined Hiei was showing interest in me too. When we took our evening coffee he sat down beside me, and when it was time to choose our rooms he quickly dragged me inside one and locked the door behind us. Of course, he probably just didn't want to go near our other teammates because Yusuke was a slob, Kuwabara was Kuwabara and no one knew anything about the Masked Fighter. Still… He sat the way I did, held his cup and saucer the way I did, mirrored my every move. And after he'd locked the door to our room, I couldn't help imagining all the possibilities that came with such close quarters.

I wanted to believe that he was growing fond of me. I wanted some indication that he felt as strongly toward me as I did to him. It's possible that I was reading too far into his actions. Still, as I lay in my bed that night I looked at the youkai who sat watching the moon from his windowsill and thought, just maybe…

The third chapter will be out next week. As always, reviews are appreciated.

-Testosterone makes people more aggressive, which is why testosterone levels go up if you're fighting. It is also responsible for sexual arousal; it's what makes your voice get all low and sultry when you're horny. :P