Perceptions
by Mayushii
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A/N: Wow, lots of reviews for the last chapter! Thanks go out to Jumpingbeans480, lesfriendly, saiyuri-dahlia, Little Sadako, ardentes, Ashen Rose Shadow, SounnyKitty, Kuro Tenka, and shiorifoxiesmom. Sorry this chapter is late, but I was writing it and it ended up being 3000+ words…without even showing the actual Karasu/Kurama fight. -_-; So I've separated it into two. The first part takes place after the Uraotogi Team fight and deals with Kurama's first meeting with Karasu, and the second skips ahead to just after the finals end. I'll be uploading the second part next week.
-Hey, I'm posting something on my birthday! My roommate got me a cake and we're having a tea party with my Kuwabara plushie. Hooray!
-Love is a peace found in the cradle of a friend's arms-
It's quite disturbing, really, looking back on this now. In retrospect I can see how obsessed I was becoming, but back then it never bothered me. In those days Hiei was the center of my world—but I know it can't have been entirely my fault. How could I not feel that way? No matter how old and clever you are, nothing can prepare you for first love. When you fall for the first time, you fall hard. It's clumsy and painful and you won't have a clue how to get back up once you've been brought to your knees. Sometimes you can catch yourself before the fall, but I didn't know that then, and I was no better prepared for heartache than any other human.
However, there was a brief period when I managed to shift my focus away from Hiei. That, I suppose, is the only good thing I can say about the Dark Tournament's final days. It was a highly stressful time, since our lives depended on the outcome of our battle with the Toguro Team. But then, there were so many other things happening during those last few days that I couldn't cope with it all at once. I had no time to think about my childish infatuation, not when my survival was at stake. So I pushed my feelings for Hiei to the back of my mind and focused on more immediate perils. After all, there were much greater dangers to me at that time than a bit of unrequited love.
…Perhaps that is poorly phrased. In truth, unrequited love was precisely what posed the clearest threat to me. It just wasn't my love for Hiei.
I'm not sure when Karasu first noticed me. He must have started watching me as soon as the Tournament began, because when we fought later he knew the technique I had used to kill Roto in the first round. In fact, he seemed to know everything about me. He even knew the route Hiei and I usually took through the stadium. If only Hiei had come with me to watch the semifinals as Genkai had told him… But he had decided his time would be better spent trying to master the Kokuryu-ha, so I went back to watch the fight on my own. If only I hadn't been so distracted… But I had just seen our soon-to-be opponents tear apart the poor fools who had been pitted against them. If only I hadn't been so damn vulnerable…
But when I was caught alone in that dark hallway, faced with two members of the Toguro Team, I had no one to blame but myself. I shouldn't have let my guard down, shouldn't have assumed that I would be safe. In that moment, when Karasu and Bui blocked my only escape, I could do nothing but brace myself and pray they would wait until the finals to kill me.
Even worse than being unable to defend myself was being unable to hide how defenseless I was. My body was weak, so hopelessly weak, and they both were so terribly strong. I struggled to remain calm as the two youkai stood across from me, and it only grew more difficult when I noticed Karasu's piercing stare. His eyes were sharp and cunning, but my face seemed to inspire a special intensity. At the time I couldn't quite place where I had seen the look before; I only knew it boded ill for me.
I was anticipating some kind of attack, so when Bui punched the wall beside him I fell for the diversion like an amateur. Before I knew what was happening I felt Karasu's hands moving around my neck, fingers poised around my throat. The only thing that kept me from shaking was fear—fear that the slightest tremor would press my skin to his. I could feel the unnatural heat pouring from his fingertips as they ghosted over my jugular, so very close that I felt ready to burst even without his explosive energy inside me. Then he moved to my hair instead, caressing it with surprising gentleness. For a moment my mind went blank. Oddly, it reminded me of Hiei's touch from a few nights before…
And suddenly I noticed just how close Karasu's body was pressed against my back, just how heavy his breath was on my neck. I could feel the dangerous heat coming from places other than his hands. As my insides writhed with revulsion, he whispered in my ear that he knew my feelings toward him. He knew that, as frail as I was, it was only natural for me to be drawn to his power. I might pretend to be repulsed, but it was only a front I put up for the sake of pride. Secretly, I was curious about his touch. Secretly, I wanted it…
I turned to strike at Karasu, but my breathless cry of "get away!" only seemed to amuse him. He openly told me how much he liked me and how much pleasure he derived from the thought of destroying me, crushing my resistance and utterly dominating me. And as he walked away, pleasantly calling for me to save my fight for him, I knew he would do far worse than kill me when I faced him.
As soon as he was out of sight I staggered over to the wall and gagged.
Karasu lurked in the back of my mind for the rest of the day. The twin threats of rape and murder were troubling, but it was his reason for wanting to kill me that truly got under my skin. He wanted to kill me because he was taken with me. If that did not convince me of the dangers of a youkai loving a human, Genkai's death at Toguro's hands certainly did. Humans to youkai are nothing more than cherry blossoms—beautiful in full bloom, yet so frail and weak that they soon wither. Any youkai who truly loves a human must inevitably endure the pain of seeing that human die. This is why so few youkai let themselves become attached to humans in the first place.
Yet there are always collectors like Karasu—those who will pluck a flower at the height of its beauty and press it between the pages of a book to preserve it. This was what Karasu wished to do to me. But how can a pressed flower ever be what it was in life? Perhaps it will retain traces of its color and scent, but it will be flat and dry, with not a drop of the moisture which forms the basis of life. I would hate for my body to be so preserved.
Then, just as I was beginning to despair, Suzuki offered me the Zense no Mi. He told me his potion would have the same effect as his teammate's Gyaku Tamatebako. I didn't trust Suzuki at first since he had been our opponent so recently, but in hindsight I understand why he gave me such a gift. He had seen my beauty in my youko form and wanted to see it again. His reasons were shallow, but they worked in my favor; one small sip of the fruit's juices turned me back into my youko form for several minutes, and after that I knew I would defeat Karasu. I would not be picked and pressed and preserved.
Still, that didn't change the fact that my human body would waste away on its own. I might be able to keep myself from being taken by a youkai, but I couldn't protect myself from the ravages of time…
That night I had a nightmare. At first I didn't recognize it as such, which is probably why it frightened me so. It was like my other tender dreams of Hiei's embrace, and after Karasu's unwelcome advances I was all too happy to fall into my friend's arms. But then when Hiei kissed me, my body shuddered and started to decay. I began to cry and scream, begged him to let me go, but he only held me closer and made gentle shushing sounds. He told me not to worry as my decomposing body turned to dirt and slipped through his arms.
When I woke, I bitterly thought it was lucky after all that Hiei had gone out training. At least he wasn't around to see me cry.
A/N: If Kurama is getting a little dramatic here, he gets worse next chapter…and then we finally get someone to knock sense into him. Not that that will last, but it's a bit of a break from dramaqueen!Kurama that I'm sure everyone really needs. (Actually, I personally think the next chapter's kind of funny, but I'll leave that to you guys. Some people apparently aren't as amused by melodramatic Kurama angst as I am.)