From Russia (PimpinSushi)
XXXXX
Dear Arthur,
Do not flatter yourself, I just happen to have very good timing. It is not as if I am stalking you or anything, even I have hobbies that are not creepy. Like gardening, да? ((or at least attempting to...))
You give yourself too much credit, Arthur. There is this thing... it is called a cookbook. I really do think you should consider finding one. For the sake of all of us. Oh, and fairies do not exist. Unless you count yourself. ZING!
да, Ireland has indeed been contacting me. Oddly enough, I do not see why you two harbor such animosity towards each other... you two have a lot in common.
My my, Arthur, someone is definitely pissy today. Did Francis fuck you into the bed again? Do not be so defensive, да? The whole world knows about you two already.
How... crude of you! I thought you Britishmen were supposed to be "gentleman." But I suppose if the British motto is true, "once a punk always a punk."
Let me warn you, England. Do not antagonize me about my fires; that is a very touchy subject for me and I thought as an ally, you would even show a tad bit of concern. Hell, even Alfred has showed a little more respect. If your land caught on fire ((you know, all three acres.)) I would definitely not tease you about it. Even I know when to refrain from kicking a man when he is down. T.T
((And what is with all of the curse words? You watch your language, young man.))
My country is cold? At least mine is not depressing where it rains all of the god damn time! And what in the name of Tchaikovsky are you talking about? My cooking is "confusing?" Perhaps it is just too complicated for your inefficient British brain to handle. Because you know, it requires "skill" to cook something so delicious as Russian food. I would not call your strawberry filled poison "skill." I would call it "death."
Okay Arthur, now you are just slandering the name of Mother Russia for your own enjoyment. I would not talk about gross, Mr. Bubonic Plague. I thought you were a genius, why the hell did it take you six decades to realize the disease was being spread by rats. That was not one of your shining moments, Arthur. So take THAT, да?
Well, I would not call your rum the best... but it certainly gives me kind of a buzz. ((After about six drinks)) My vodka is simple, tall, and strong. Like me! Perhaps that is why I love it so much. Rum is sour... boring, and gives you a headache; kind of like you. That would explain why your only friends are related to you.
Nothing wrong? Arthur, your eyebrows represent Liverpool and Aberdeen... two of the biggest cities in England. That tells you something.
Burn in myself? As in the burning sensation of the amazing tasting vodka? I will definitely go drink then, because you said so.
With hate and animosity,
Иван Брагинский
P.S. Why? It is not as if you are using your land for anything useful...
P.P.S. You know what Arthur, this letter has been more amusing than anything. It made me realize just how stuffy you Brits can be. Kolkolkol.
P.P.S. Do not mention... "you-know-who's" name... when you do... she shows up and bad things happen. o_o. Kind of like that one man from Harry Potter. -in tiny font- Voldemort-/tiny font-...
Well, someone is at the door, I am off.
XXXXX
...Ivan,
I deem the fact that you are a gardener is frightening enough.
I do own a cookbook! I just...find it inadequate. If you actually read one, you'll find they make no sense!
Oh so fairy's are not real? Then just who was I talking to this morning? It was a fairy. Ms. Fairy to be exact!
Why would I count myself? I know that I'm a country and not a fairy...not that I want to be a fairy. I'm an angel enough as it is**. What-what is a ZING? What is that?
Ha! The only thing me and Ireland have in common is that we are on the same island and run under the same government. Nothing more.
What the bloody fuck? Again, you're sticking your massive head into my love life? back off already! Screw Francis and screw the whole bloody world! I'm tired of people always asking me about my relationships! It's none of your goddamn business!
I can be a gentleman if I want to be! And you don't know how much of a compliment that is to me! Do you know what I have to say to that? Bugger off you arse~
If it is so 'touchy' don't bloody bring it up!
If you have not noticed (which I honestly doubt) I have my own problems to deal with. Do you see me bombarding you with my problems? No! You don't! Think about that for a while.
Alfred? Showing respect? Hell, he probably has some hidden fondness for you. Otherwise, he wouldn't give a crap...
T-three acres? I'm 322233600 acres thank you!
Sure it rains a lot but at least the weather varies from something other than snow!
The only other definition of your food would then have to be blatantly simple, then. All you Russians eat is bloody dumplings. I swear, the only variation is that you put something different in them.
Maybe we were too sick to find that out in quicker time! And what about you? You were part of the bubonic plague as well, were you not?
Your vodka is also tasteless, putrid, and disgusting, very much like you actually!
T-that's not-
I have a lot of friends that are not related to me...
T-there's nothing wrong with my eyebrows being larger than most! In fact, many educated people (minus Sealand) have eyebrows like mine so that should tell you something!
Always sending curses your way,
~Arthur Kirkland
XXXXX
Translations~
- да = Yes
- Иван Брагинский = Ivan Braginski
I don't know if I'm just blind or crazy but I couldn't find the other Russian word, British Idiot. I reread this over about 5 times but I couldn't find it. :( If it's in there...please tell me.
*Ms. Fairy = Yousei-san.
** Do you believe in Britannia Angel?