A/N: I'M BACK! I'm so, so sorry about the lack of updates... I took a vacation to Hogwarts and came back with nothing to show for it, and made a detour to Sherwood forest that proved mildly fruitful, but not enough to excuse this failure. BUT I'm back in the Tardis, and brimming with ideas. Hopefully my new college life will allow for more writing time than did my high school one. I'm not going to promise anything, but we can all hope with greater certainty that updates will occur sooner rather than later.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Carrionites, and I certainly do not own Emmett Cullen.

Neutralization, or

The Reason Vampires are Still in the Badass Club, or

How the Carrionites Killed Emmett Cullen

"Oh my mothers!" Lilith cried out, her eyes closed as she felt a stirring in the ether. The other two witches swooped down to the scrying cauldron. "Listen to what we must do."

Mother Doomfinger and Mother Bloodtide listened eagerly as Lilith outlined the simple, but terribly effective plan. The three cackled with delight as they launched their brooms across the night sky.

In the far northwest corner of North America, in a town so miniscule it was not only left off of maps but was impossible to spot on Google Earth, a pale, dark-haired youth was practicing his boxing skills on a convenient boulder. He marveled at his own strength, laughing as with each punch more of the rock crumbled away. A particularly violent hit actually cracked the rock in half, the two halves groaning as they rocked away from each other. The teen flexed his truly massive muscles before continuing to pulverize the innocent boulder until all that remained of it was dust and a few pebbles.

The fact that if you looked up the idiom "brawn over brains" in a handy phrase book the only definition you would find was a picture of this boy was fully illustrated when, having annihilated the boulder, he moved on to the nearest tree, punching craters in the trunk until it resembled the face of the moon. He paused in his demolition-streak to practice the perfect delivery of a dirty joke and a few innuendos he planned to shoot at his brother later in the day. He laughed out loud at his own crude humor, and was so absorbed in this that he did not notice the beautiful woman dismounting her broom and creeping up behind him to cut off a lock of his hair.

"You are Emmett Cullen, vampire," Lilith stated. It wasn't a question.

"Yes," the boy said, turning. "And you've come to the right place." He began to flirt with her, but she merely smiled evilly and called on her mothers, trying not to sigh in exasperation.

"Chant with me, my mothers!" she cried, binding his hair to a little wooden doll, and lighting the image on fire. A few rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter later, the blackened, ashy body of Emmett fell limply to the ground as the witches cackled gleefully, satisfied. They were proud to have saved the other members the embarrassment of belonging to the same club as that brute. They flew off through the night joyfully, back to London, where a play needed finishing up.

Emmett Cullen, vampire, was not so joyful. In fact, he couldn't be, because he was no longer undead. He was now dead, never to move, let alone sparkle, again. Fan girls the world over cursed the witches for depriving their image-driven minds of such gorgeous muscles, but no amount of screaming would ever bring their strapping idol back to life—er, unlife?—and the true, non-sparkling vampires of the world gained re-admittance to the Badass Club. The Carrionites were satisfied that they had been the means by which the threat had been neutralized. And all badass creatures slept content that night, saved of the embarrassment of one of their own replacing menacing with something as completely un-badass as sparkling…

A/N: Jasper next! :D