Heroes
A Spore Fanfic
Hi everybody, I'm back from the grave and ready to write!
This chapter proves the superiority of writing to TV, because if you wanted to recreate this on the box, your budget would have to be about the same size as Obama's controversial health bill. This is not a hyperbole.
Disclaimer: I do not own Spore. That honour goes to Maxis and EA.
"Hey, where'd Jack and Terra get to?" asked Ambiguous, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I sent them on a retrieval mission on-"
"Commodore Jim, a manned carrier with severe structural damage is requesting permission to board. Will you admit them?"
"Send me a report on the damage." The monitor quickly shifted to display a graph and several blocks of text in Ydd, the language of Yggarf and the entire Yggdoffl nation. A ripped cargo bay hull, crushed right thruster and a number of scorch marks.
"Commodore, still requesting answer."
"Yes, that'll be them," grumbled Jim under his breath, "They could never keep a craft in one piece."
In the docking bay, two badly injured creatures were ejected unceremoniously from the carrier they had been piloting and dumped into a medical android, which then proceeded to take them to the smallish hospital unit.
"Anaesthetics?" General Orven glanced at his aide, Barsnark, and sighed. The Tezzok Bear was carrying a large wooden sledgehammer. "Do we have anything that won't bruise him for a month?"
"No, sir." The violent bear was positively grinning now.
"Very well," conceded the birdlike alien, "Just make sure he doesn't wake up for another twelve hours, okay?" The answering smash could be heard from the other side of a missile-proof titanium door, but it sure as hell knocked out the wounded Yggdoffl.
Several days later, Jack groaned. Despite the fact that all of the injuries he had suffered on Typhlo had healed, a throbbing bruise the size of a Burlik Fruit still resisted all efforts of the inept medical team to remove it, although personally Jack thought that he would be better off without their 'help'. Jim, on the other hand, was rather interested in Terrahawk's story, which for some reason ended with Jack peeing himself while the Zorg heroically shoved him on board the carrier.
"Are you sure that there were Schendulans involved?"
"Yes, Commodore."
"Well, we might need to contact Union authorities about this- it looks to me like you two stumbled upon a mining operation."
"Really?" The Zorg was impressed; he too had guessed that the Schendulans had been mining for something, although he couldn't be sure what.
"Yes. Computer, dial nine-oh-seven-oh-three-four-eight-nine-oh-seven. Message begins: Urgent message to the Higher Admiral Kalate, of the Galactic Adventures Union. The spaceship Striker of Yggarf has discovered a Schendulan operation on a planet in Beta Section that has been named Typhlo by the current holders of the system. Please arrive as soon as possible, preferably with reinforcements- we will storm the fortress on the planet within twelve sectons of the creation of this message. Thank you, Commodore Jim of the Yggdoffl Empire out."
"So we're going to attack an army of bloodthirsty lizards?" asked Ambiguous, incredulous.
"Unfortunately, yes." replied his older brother, Terrahawk.
"What are you talking about? This'll be awesome. I'm so hyped up I want to punch somebody!"
"You normally want to punch somebody, Bar-" The Yggdoffl deputy's wry remark was cut short when a large paw flattened him, adding another bruise to his skull. After watching his unconscious form for approximately three seconds, Terrahawk grinned and told Ambiguous to wake him up. Another three seconds later, Jack leapt from the floor, drenched to the bone with ice-cold water. Hastily, Ambiguous shoved his incriminating bucket into Barsnark's clumsy paws, and Jack, making the natural assumption, lunged for the bear- disorientated as he was, he had not only missed the young Zorg giving the bucket to Barsnark, he had also missed Terrahawk's sudden and inexplicable acquisition of a large and heavy stick.
"There's something bad behind me, right?" That was when Terrahawk added to Jack's collection of head injuries. "Ow." It was all the orange creature could say before the floor rushed up to meet him and he fainted- again.
"Admiral 771? Four C-Class carrier craft have just entered the stratosphere."
"Commander 861, prepare your unit to open fire. Experimental Division will be around soon."
"Yes, Admiral!" The said Commander picked up his other comlink and gave the relevant orders to his unit. "Artillery, prepare for aerial fire. They cannot reach the base." Then there was an ominous ka-chink as several hundred foot soldiers and tanks loaded their guns, missile launchers and pretty much every other kind of firearm available. The first craft crash-landed a mile west, so that was where First Squad headed. They had been instructed on the best method to take down opponents from the Union. Hit the powerhouse first, try and kill him or severely wound him. The others' self-pride will then get them slaughtered. Of course, they weren't banking on the incoming not having a powerhouse. And some might have said that they had no pride either, although that's really just a matter of opinion.
Jim emerged from his landing pod.
"Okay, team, this is what'll happen. First, we try and blow up the enemy's satellites and communication, 'cause the enemy bases appear to be set to a frequency that is secure, but hard to change. Then we'll take the nearest base to here, the beta base, and then use anything we find there to attack the main base. Any questions?" Barsnark put his hand up. "Yes, Barsnark, you can kill them if they punch you in the-"
"Sir, why is there a sign that says 'Kick me' on your back?"
"What? What sign?" Reaching with his claws, Jim found the piece of shoddy parchment and glared at his crew. "Well? Who did it?"
Everybody stared at the ground, avoiding eye contact. Finally, Ambiguous owned up.
"Sir, it was Terrahawk."
"What? Big, what in Spode's name are you going on about?" yelled the said Zorg indignantly.
"Well actually it was Terrahawk and me. But mostly Terra-"
"Big, if you shut up, I might reconsider my spur-of-the-moment decision to rip your head off while setting you on fire."
"It was me." Ambiguous finished meekly.
"You know what? Forget it. Just go out there and blow up some Schendulan butt." The crew grinned broadly at this, and started running out of the crater.
"Zero, set up some turrets. Terra, take a vacuum-ray and spice things up a little with an Epic or two. Ambiguous, target the bases. Orven, set up some of your traps, and Barsnark- for Spode's sake, just kill everybody."
"Can do, cap'n."
"Let's go!"
The front line were massacred by an unexpectedly potent shower of eggs landing on top of their heads and somehow maiming them horribly, courtesy of Orven. Barsnark pulled out a couple of large and apparently heavy clubs from his backpack and started braining people, while Zero fired small grenades above the enemies' heads and into the oncoming ranks of evil lizards, and Terrahawk was taking biological warfare to a whole new level, hauling Rapid-Growth-Capsules at anyone who came close to him, which had a tendency to explode into big things whenever somebody touched them. In short, the lizardy-things were screwed. Unfortunately, the Schendulans had an advantage in that there were millions of them, and soon the token force was beginning to tire. Notwithstanding, it was soon a one on one between Barsnark, the only person on the crew who seemed to still be able to stand, and some ugly brute of a Schendulan.
Barsnark yelled and slammed his fist into the unyielding stone of the desert floor. Somehow he avoided breaking his fist while simultaneously causing a large earthquake, and a shockwave sent the ugly lizard soaring into a cliff wall. The crew nearly started cheering, had it not been for a large and scary energy blade narrowly missing cutting off Jack's head. Actually, the Zorgs did start cheering when that happened, because a near-death experience for the Deputy counted as a win for them anyway. The rest of the crew stared in shock as the bear that they all knew as the Demon began hurling boulders at his opponent, and the Schendulan dodged them almost gracefully. Then Barsnark abandoned all subtlety and threw something else at the lizard- namely, his fist. During the few seconds that his foe was dazed, Barsnark growled and summoned a ball of fire in his right palm- the mystical tribal ability of the Carnivores.
"Tribal Power! Fire Bomb!" Flames poured from his hand, pummelling into the Schendulan, who was knocked backwards and off his feet. During the brief respite, Barsnark retrieved his twin maulers from a nearby pile of rubble and spat fire at his opponent, who had pulled out a shield from nowhere, much like his other weapons. The fire did absolutely nothing to the blocker, but while the lizard was still holding it up, Barsnark drew up ever closer. Then the shield came down and the Schendulan yelled.
The lizard pulled out an electric dagger and thrusted it into his foe's ribs- at least, that was the plan. But the Tezzok Bear, showing surprising agility on his part, dropped both of his maulers and grabbed not only the Schendulan's sword-claw but also his long and evil-looking tail. His victory was short-lived, though, as the lizard's other arm came rushing up at his foe's chin in a painful uppercut. The bear stumbled backwards, giving the Schendulan enough time to pull out another underhanded trick- this one a giant of a sabre, and the lizard was barely able to avoid taking his own head off with it.
"I think I'll take that," Barsnark told the Schendulan, "You could hurt somebody."
On the sidelines, Terrahawk smiled wryly.
"The scary thing is that I don't reckon he's joking."
After about five minutes of victorious partying, a horde of strange creatures swarmed over a nearby hill, stopping about fifteen metres from the abruptly halted crew.
"What the f-" Terrahawk never managed to finish his sentence, frozen solid by a grey and black version of a C'Servoid trooper.
"Talk about party poopers- bring it on!"
Almost seventeen minutes after Jim said that memorable line, his crew was beginning to regret even going to Typhlo in the first place. At least the first wave had ended- this was a continuous stream of violent aliens yelling about the 'enemies of the Assimilax'. Put frankly, even Barsnark was tired of the fighting. So obviously he did the obvious and set fire to everyone in a two metre radius.
"Tribal Power! Fire Bomb!" It proved surprisingly effective, downing pretty much all the foes it hit, and wounding others pretty badly.
"Snark, try a Raging Roar!" bellowed Terrahawk from the other side of the canyon. He had recovered from his brief freezing spell and was discharging foes with his own bio-power, Black Cloud. Basically it summoned a pitch black cloud that not only blinded the foe, but also caused their weaponry to fail and break down temporarily. Ambiguous had mind-melded a troupe of the soldiers, and was telling them to fight and whatnot, but even with all of these minor advantages, they were hard pressed to stay alive and soon were driven backwards into a rock wall. Still the crew fought, even as Ambiguous was knocked out and Jack thrown across the gorge. It seemed all was lost, when a large and very heavy claw came out of nowhere and squashed all of the foes present, as well as blocking others from entering. All in all, it was a very convenient arrangement. Or it would have been if Jack wasn't stuck on the other side of the claw in the midst of crazy soldiers clamouring for blood.
"Do we actually have to save that git?" I whined, appealing to my brother Terrahawk. It was approximately three hours after the claw had landed, separating us from our foes as well as Jack.
"Jim says so, so there's your answer. Besides, Jack does have a use- he makes a good punching bag when I'm bored." In reply, I pouted and turned away. On the other side of the claw, we heard Jack call something out.
"What was that?"
"I heard that!" he repeated.
"Watcha gonna do about it?" At which point Jack surprised us all by appearing on top of the claw, trying to grin as he fought back fatigue and tiredness. But our surprise at his seemingly super-Yggdoffl effort was nothing compared to the shock we felt when a horde of black-furred things with red stripes swarmed behind him, knocking the deputy off his feet and onto us.
"Ow, get off my back," grunted Barsnark in between taking Spode's name in vain and generally swearing rudely.
"And then these guys came tumbling down on the opposition, with all these blowdarts and whatnot, and then one of them- their chief, no less-"
"How come I get the feeling that Jack's head just got bigger?" grumbled Terrahawk.
"Probably because it did. And in more than one way at that."
"What are you talking about, Orven?"
"He has at least twelve bruises on his skull. Three of them came from before our skirmish. Can you think why that is?" As soon as his sentence was finished, Terrahawk suddenly decided to get up and buy another cup of Burlik Juice. We were on the ship, and several Union forces had just entered orbit, and one craft had checked into our docking bay. Now the crew of the Acronym were listening to Jack recount his adventure on Typhlo the third time over, but for some reason it engrossed the people each time- almost as if he told something different every time round. Which he did, very well if you please. Or very badly, if you count subtlety and craftiness as the master arts of exaggeration.
"Woot! We got a blue giant!" The victorious cry had come at approximately 3.00 Earth time. Now it was 15.00, and the crew of Lady Asparagus was still going strong. They had taken seven months to reach the solar system, and another month to locate the star. Finally, they had taken three nanoseconds to launch an SPM- Solar Pulverising Missile- and destroy the star they had spent eight months searching for. The reason? Lady Asparagus was currently in the employee of the McDonald's fast food chain- I'm sure you've heard of it- and they were being paid millions- billions- of dollars to create an advertisement that no-one who wasn't blind could forget. They were blowing up stars. The idea was that they could blow up certain stars to create a massive message etched on the skies of the planet Earth- MCDONALD'S IS THE BEST. This insanely large tattoo on the skies would be visible from any point on Earth with a view to the heavens, and it would last all of five months, just for the record. In other words, it would be an almost useless waste of trillions of dollars in a lethal advertising campaign. Any one of the seven hundred spacecrafts commissioned by mission control could crash into some space debris, or be vaporised by rogue gamma rays, or attacked by technologically advanced aliens. A dangerous mission, but the pay was good. The pay was excellent. A whole billion dollars a month just to be a janitor, and a hell lot more if you were assigned as the captain of a ship!
Joanne Sharp sat bolt upright in her bunk, only to hit her head on the low metal ceiling and wake up her roommate, the inestimable Alexandria Bolt.
"What the hell woke you up this time? Bad dreams or something?" For someone who had just been jolted out of her sleep by the beautiful sound of aluminium on skull, Alex was remarkably alert. Back to the story, Joanne nodded meekly in reply. She had just seen her best friend for eight months die a horrible and painful death at the hands of the Aliens. Aliens were horrific beasts that had six arms, two of which were tipped with creepy, scythe-like appendages, two of which ended in alarming biological cannons that could fire a strange, acidic substance, and two dexterous paws. They had a pretty horizontal build, although since they stood about three metres tall- not counting their enormous tails- it didn't really affect their height. They had three eyes placed on top of sharply hooked beaks, and their beaks were made out of something very hard. And their tails... Their tails were extremely thick and held almost like a scorpion's, starting off as thick as their torsos, and tapering into a bizarre organ at the very end, that was essentially an organic pincushion connected to a pair of insectoid wings. The spikes in the 'pincushion' were apparently extremely toxic, although neither of the girls had actually seen the poison's effects. The wings were, put bluntly, wings. Although they were a little weak, the wings could lift a fully-grown Alien in to the air with little or no strain, and they could also use the wings to glide.
But no nightmare could compare to the one slightly stuck in the doorway, hampered by it's scorpion tail and large shoulders. Three eyes swivelled to the horrorstruck teenagers, recognised their species, and prompted the vocal cords of the creature to vibrate air in the form of soundwaves, which then passed through a complex speech translation device that converted the vibrations into English.
"Er... Could I have some help, please?"
Who here has guessed what these 'Aliens' are? If you even think about quoting Predator, you die. Simple as that. Well, hope you guys liked it!
A/N: Oh, and I'm putting this story aside for about a week to work on other fics, so expect an update in a fortnight. Or longer, really. Punctuality is a virtue, but lateness is my life!