The funeral proceedings seemed to fly by as if in a blur of events - like some dream….some nightmare, that Tommy still wasn't fully aware of.
People read speeches, there were tears, there were songs. A slideshow flashed by on a screen accompanied by a backdrop of music that Tommy once knew so well - yet now it seemed so distant.
Tommy just sat there. Numb.
This wasn't real, he kept telling himself, You're going to wake up soon - he's going to be knocking on your door telling you to get your lazy ass out of bed. But the words Tommy forced to repeat in his head over and over weren't doing anything apart from separating him from the event at hand.
Tommy watched as a tearful Alisan, accompanied by Brad, took to the podium. The room was filled with silence, only broken by the occasional sobs, as she unfurled a crumpled piece of paper and flattened it out in front of her. She opened her mouth to read, but only chokes of tears came out.
Brad eventually stepped in, holding a broken Alisan in his arms, comforting every shaky breath she took as the room echoed with her cries.
He cleared his throat and read from the piece of paper.
Alisan and Brad had been Adam's closest friends in LA - with the exception of Danielle, who Tommy could see was sitting near the front, her hair falling over her tear-stained face as she stared at the ground in a shocked state. They'd all been friends forever. All had known Adam long before this crazy life of fame had taken over, been there for every moment - celebrated every success with him, cried over every downfall and setback with him, been there at his very first live show as well as the second to last show that made up the GlamNation tour.
They had known Adam better than anyone else in the room - apart from maybe his own parents and Neil.
Their speech was heartfelt and laced with sincerity - every memory of the man packed into it. But nobody could even bring themselves to laugh at the small jokes that were designed to bring some light to the words. Not even when those words were coming from Brad - who for the first time, was not wearing his usual smile and bright eyes of excitement and joy for life. Instead, his face was unshaven, his hair a mess, his clothes still fashionable - but dark and not picked anywhere near as carefully as usual - and those large saucer-like eyes of his were dark, and tainted by a sadness deeper than he'd ever felt in his life.
It was obvious that even though Adam and Brad had ended their relationship years ago, Brad had never stopped loving him. They had had a great friendship that both men had hung onto and cherished for the years after, but even though there had been other men welcomed into both of their lives, Brad had always loved Adam the most. He was never sure if Adam knew that.
The tears spilled and splashed onto the piece of paper, causing the ink on the page to run, and the words to fade into colored lines. Brad took one shaky breath and looked down at the beautiful black casket covered in roses and glitter below the stage.
"I just wanted to say that i love you, Adam, and i never stopped."
Brad then buried his face into Alisan's shoulder and the two embraced each other as they cried along with the rest of the room.
There were more speeches. More memories. Lee and Scarlett both spoke of their time with Adam and how saddened they were that Riff wouldn't get to know his godfather. People from Adam's record company spoke of an amazing performer and a second album full of songs that the world wouldn't get to see. Neil spoke of childhood memories he had shared with his brother - nobody but his parents had ever seen him cry until that day. Brooke, and Terrance spoke of their time on the road with him - brushing on memories that Tommy had shared too.
But Tommy didn't shed a tear. Just remained frozen to his seat. Observing.
He watched as Leila and Eber stood on the stage, their hands linked, Eber's arm around Leila's shoulder, as both struggled to find the words to describe their son and how proud they were of him. They thanked everyone who had played a part in his life and everyone who was there for him that day. "He'd be happy to see all of his amazing friends all here at once with glitter everywhere" Eber told the crowd.
Tommy thought he felt a smile tug at the sides of his mouth.
He felt a hand on his shoulder then, and jumped at the touch. It was Monte.
"I'm ganna go up and say a few things. Do you want to join me?" he asked softly.
Tommy didn't say anything, but he found himself following Monte up to the stage.
Monte took the podium, while Tommy stared out into the thousands of sets of eyes staring back at him.
Cameras lined the front of the stage, recording the ceremony for the live television broadcast for the fans.
Everyone was watching and listening intently.
But Tommy never heard the words that Monte was speaking. He just stood back slightly, tense and fearful.
After a while, he felt the hand on his shoulder again.
"Tommy, do you want to say anything?" Monte asked, he was stepping back.
There was a gentle hand on his back pushing him up to the microphone.
Tommy found his feet moving. He was never good with public speaking.
He could see the sympathetic sea of faces, heads resting on shoulders, tear stained faces hiding behind wet hair as even the most waterproof of makeup didn't seem to be keeping up with the strain.
They were all waiting for him to speak.
They all knew he was in the car too.
Everyone knew he was the bassist in the band, the kiss at the AMAs, the person Adam was closest too while on the tour, the movie junkie guy from Burbank that would accompany Adam to some of the LA parties and struggle to fit in with some of the crowds.
They all knew.
The microphone made a high pitched noise as Tommy scanned the faces staring back at him.
"I uuhhh…i…." he stuttered with nerves.
The only face he wanted to see wasn't there.
His breathing became sharp.
He bit his lip.
His blonde fringe fell over his face as he hung his head low.
He forced his mouth up to the microphone.
"Im sorry it wasn't me."
In 5 little words everything he felt was out there. Everything he was sure everyone else was thinking had been said.
He took two careful steps back from the podium - his face frightened, his eyes like a deer stuck in the headlights. His mouth quivered.
He saw Monte turn to him - a look of concern and worry written all over his face.
And then…
He ran.