CHAPTER 4:

MEMORIES TO BLAME

It was Sutan that found him.

An hour or so after the ceremony had ended, when everyone had broken away to enjoy drinks and share memories down at one of the bars, Sutan found Tommy sitting down by the waterfront - his legs drawn up to his chest, his face hidden by his blonde fringe and his chin resting on his hand which was settled on his knee.

Tommy was thinking.

He remembered Hawaii, being on that boat with the whole crew. Him and Neil out on the biscits with Cam trying her best to throw them out.

Adam was sitting watching them - his shirt off, sunglasses on, talking to Sasha - who was happily filming the event from the back of the boat. Tommy had felt himself being thrown from the ring and he had crashed into the water, hurting his wrist slightly in the process of trying to hang on. But even as his head went underwater for a moment or two - bubbles clouding his eyes as he broke towards the surface - he could still hear that contagious laugh of Adam's from the boat - and suddenly it didn't seem to matter.

He remembered Cam pulling the boat around and Adam reaching out one freckly arm to Tommy.

"….like some drowned cat out there, Tommy. You should've seen your face!" there was laughter in Adam's voice as he pulled Tommy back into the boat. Tommy had smiled too, reaching his hands up to his head to see what his hair was doing.

"Come here" Adam had stated, and Tommy had looked up at him as Adam had run his fingers through the blonde locks, styling them the way Tommy usually wore his hair, as best he could.

"Thanks" Tommy had laughed, "Now get your ass out there!"

"Bet i can chuck you out in 10 seconds" Adam challenged.

Tommy laughed "Whatever Lambert!"

They'd always been like two little kids whenever a dare was introduced.

Within minutes they had climbed into the rubber rings and Sasha had let the ropes out slowly. Cam waited for the 'thumbs up' from both of them before she put her foot down on the engine, and the boat began to puff out currents of water as it moved.

"5 seconds, Tommyjoe!" Adam called out as his biscit began to trail off to one side and Tommy's to the other.

Tommy laughed and pulled a challenging face his way, before taking one hand off the handle and smiling Adam's way.

There was concentration in Adam's face as he attempted to steer his way into Tommy.

It was then that Tommy had felt a jolt under him and felt himself being flipped out into the cold water for the third time that day.

He heard Adam laughing as he found the surface again.

Tommy looked back to see the floating log behind them that had thrown him out, and cursed under his breath.

Adam was reaching out a hand to him again, a wide smile on his face.

"Told you so" he mocked. Tommy pulled a face.

"Here, i got you" Adam offered, but Tommy was pulling Adam into the water with him.

It was Tommy's turn to laugh.

Next minute, Tommy was clinging to him - his arm wrapped around Adam's shoulders - almost forcing him under the water.

"Tommy, what the…?" Adam began.

"There's something in the water!" Tommy shrieked.

"Says the guy who laughs when all the blood is being thrown around in horror movies" Adam teased, laughter in his voice, but he reached an arm back, and held on to Tommy anyway.

"Im fuckin serious! I saw something!" Tommy had shouted back.

Adam had just laughed.

The boat had appeared and Adam had gone to climb on board.

"Don't you dare let go!" Tommy had commanded.

Adam turned to him and smiled. "Just get on the damn boat, Ratliff" there was still amusement in his voice as Tommy had clambered on board, looking over his shoulder cautiously. He then cautiously leaned over the side of the boat, scanning the water for the shark he swore he'd seen.

"What happened out there?" Sasha asked.

Tommy wondered if Sasha still had that footage stored on her camera.

Adam pulled a towel over his head and began to dry his hair.

"Oh Tommy thought the loch ness monster was after him" he playfully pushed Tommy with his elbow.

"Did not!" Tommy protested, grabbing the towel now.

"'Ooh don't let go of me, Adam!'" Adam mocked and everyone laughed.

Tommy couldn't help but break a smile, even he knew he had sounded pathetic.

Adam had pulled Tommy into a gentle headlock and messed up his hair with his fist - much to Tommy's annoyance.

"It's ok, Tommy. I wont let you go."

Tommy kept his head resting on his hands when he heard someone sit down beside him. He opened an eye to acknowledge him.

"It's beautiful out here" Sutan stated, his own eyes looking out to the sparkling water in front of them - the sun reflecting from the waves as it oozed brilliant shades of orange and pink into the sky.

Tommy didn't say anything, half surprised that the words uttered had not been "Are you ok?" or anything of the sympathetic matter he had become accustomed too.

Sutan was looking at Tommy now. "Everyone's having drinks down at the bar". It had been a statement, but Tommy picked up on the question that hung in the air.

He hugged his knees closer to his chest and raised his head slightly.

"I'm fine here" he replied, his voice quiet.

"No you're not, Tommy" Sutan told him, his tone not harsh, but making a point.

Tommy looked away, avoiding the analysis.

"Nobody blames you. You know that, right? It was an accident, Tommy. If anyone's to blame it's the photographers that chased him - that drove him to it. You were there. But that doesn't make you responsible".

Memories and scenes from the night of the crash suddenly flashed into Tommy's mind, like a horror film on repeat - but this time he wasn't laughing.

"But it wasn't me who was killed either" the statement Tommy made was firm, his eyes meeting Sutan's for the first time now. "If it was me, there'd be like 20 people in that room back there, instead of the thousands. Everyone would tell some stories, maybe shed a few tears, raise a glass, and that'd be it. Everyone would forget me. Just like that. He had so much going for him, Sutan. So much. What have i got? Nothing. . . It should've been me."

Sutan looked pained. He'd never seen Tommy like this - sure they'd been times Tommy had been upset, and naturally Tommy was a quiet guy who was more likely to bottle everything up rather than talk about it. But this was beyond throwing everything into a bottle and screwing the lid tight. There wasn't anything Sutan could say or do to break his mindset. Instead, he threw an arm around Tommy's shoulders and gripped him firmly.

"That's not true" he said threw him a knowing face.

"Yes it is. How much easier would it be to be sitting here with your arm around Adam, comforting him, rather than me right now? If you got to choose whose death would have been easiest, who would you choose?" Tommy was staring at him, questioning.

Sutan bit his lip, not knowing what to say.

"There's your answer. Don't tell me it's not true." Tommy answered himself.

He shook the arm from his shoulders and pushed himself up.

"Tommy wait!" Sutan pleaded.

But Tommy didn't look back, just kept walking silently down the beach.

In the back of his mind, there was still the hope - the anticipation - in Tommy's mind, that he'd hear Adam running after him.

But those footsteps never came.