CHAPTER 5:
SOAKED REALITY
"Well whataya suppose we do? You know as well as i do that he's not ganna open up to any of us"
Sutan was pacing the room, his question open to Issac, Monte and Terrance who were all sitting on the couch, nursing their drinks.
"Well we cant just leave him the way he is - he's not getting over it" Issac commented, "It's been 2 weeks."
Monte nodded in agreement, taking everyone's comments into consideration.
"They were pretty close. Probably closer than any of us really knew. God knows what went on behind closed doors. He's gotta deal with this in his own way and we gotta let him."
Terrance was nodding.
"None of us are ganna ever get over it completely. All of us met through Adam. We're all here because of him - we all spent practically a year seeing him everyday. Y'know? I for one still expect him to just walk through that door with that smile of his…im probably never ganna stop expecting that. But yeah, we're all slowly moving on with our lives. The thing is, none of us were in that car with him. Tommy was there. You can't forget that. He probably saw….i don't even want to know what he saw. But its understandable that he's ganna need a bit longer to move on with life."
There was a mutual agreement within the room.
Tommy sat at a table at the back of the bar. He didn't know what he was doing.
Dave sat opposite him, making sure there was a top up in Tommy's glass whenever it looked as if it would run out. The plan was never to get Tommy down there and get him drunk off his face, but Dave had been living with Tommy and his depression for the last 2wks - the sole purpose was to get some drinks in his flatmate and maybe loosen him up a little and bring back that smile that was rarely seen by the public, but Tommy's true friends knew was hiding there somewhere.
The plan was slowly beginning to work - Tommy wasn't 'loosening up', but he began to chug back the drinks a little more readily and his eyes were beginning to scan the female talent dancing around the place. One brunette caught his eye and unwrapped herself from the pole she was grinding on and made her way over to him. She ran a delicate finger along Tommy's arm and smiled flirtatiously.
"What's your name there, Mister?" she asked - a seductive whisper underlying her french canadian accent.
"Tommy"
"Tommy?…..you ready for a good time?" her face was at his ear, trailing soft kisses down his jawline and then down his neck.
Tommy looked over at Dave, as if seeking approval that he didn't need.
Dave just nodded "Go get your smile back" he told him, raising his glass as a blonde bimbo sauntered her way over to him.
The brunette led Tommy into one of the back rooms. She let her hands roam up and down his sides, tugging at the black top he wore. Tommy arched into her touch - his inhibitions leaving him. The woman slowly began to undo his buttons until she revealed his pale chest. Her hands continued to wander.
Tommy closed his eyes. Even under all the layers of alcohol clouding his vision, he knew this wasn't what he did. He wasn't being himself. But as much as part of him wanted to push the woman away – a bigger part of him was remembering what it felt like to feel loved – and feeling that way even if it was with a cheap girl from a grimy club downtown, didn't seem like such a crime.
If he closed his eyes hard enough, he could imagine that the girl was someone else – someone he loved enough to go further with. But as his eyes sprang open, he was only greeted with disappointment.
The woman was pulling her clothes back on now, staring into a mirror at the back of the room and reapplying her makeup before pulling her hair back. Tommy found his own jeans and pulled them on – he didn't know if he felt worse for himself, or for the girl who probably would've had a better time with a doll in the way that Tommy had been to a deep degree, unresponsive to everything she'd done.
"Cash now or want me to put it on your tab?" the woman asked, zipping up her boots. Tommy did up the buttons on his shirt and threaded his fingers through his hair.
"Now's fine" he stated, and without thought, buried his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a wad of cash. "Sorry" he mumbled, he wasn't sure exactly what he was apologizing for.
The brunette simply took the cash and shrugged "Still pays the bills' she stated, shoving the cash down her top. She opened the door and allowed Tommy to walk back out into the bar.
Tommy searched the tables, but he was pretty sure Dave would still be getting his money worth in some back room.
He questioned calling a taxi, but the alcohol had seemed to wear off – leaving him with only a mind full of regret and a killer headache. He decided if he walked, he'd be able to clear his mind, but as he walked out into the Californian air of his hometown, he realized that there was more to clearing his mind than simply walking out the door of a bar.
Two men walked past him holding hands.
The shorter of the two rested his head in the curve of his partner's shoulder – his eyes half-closed – as they walked. Tommy watched after them.
He remembered resting on that shoulder.
The two men seemed to be too wrapped up in love to say hi as they walked past, but Tommy didn't care.
He kicked a stone on the sidewalk and watched as it skimmed across the road. He felt like that stone. Kicked around and now lying on the road, just waiting for a bus to come by, pick it up on its wheel and maybe carry it to a new destination – only to be kicked around again. Tommy didn't know what he'd ever done to be dealt the bullshit deck of cards he seemed to be living with.
He knew what everyone was saying. He knew the way everyone looked at him – concern wiping their faces, the old 'are you ok?' line being used repeatedly. They all thought he was going crazy – consumed by depression.
He respected the people who had just outrightly said 'you need to get over it, Tommy' in hope that he would just look at them, smile, say 'ok then' and everything would return to normal. But normal wasn't happening anymore. Normal got left in a heap under some rubble on some LA street as photographers had flashed their cameras.
Normal wasn't coming back.
The thought had crossed his mind, timelessly – 'there was a life before all of this' he would tell himself, 'there was 28yrs before this'. But he couldnt remember that life.
When he'd got the job working for Adam, his life had changed – he'd traded in boring old Burbank and movie marathons with his flatmates for a crazy international tour. When his Dad had passed away, it was Adam's 'glamily' that had comforted him and been there for him.
Adam's glamily - not his.
He'd seen the world and had the best time of his life. There was nothing in the world better than being up on that stage each every night as thousands in attendance cheered them on. Tommy knew they weren't cheering for him, but deep down he loved that aspect of fame. He loved that split second in the show where the spotlight would be on him and he'd do his solo piece.
He loved that life.
That rush.
He knew that before any of this happened, the tour had already come to an end.
They'd all sat in a bar in London and drank to the memories, and Tommy had looked around the room and couldn't believe that he was living that life – that all of the amazing people smiling back at him were friends he would keep forever.
He remembered Adam passing him another drink.
"Here's to Glamnation!" he had shouted, and everyone had clanged their glasses together.
Tommy had felt a hand on his shoulder and had leaned into Adam's touch.
"We had fun, right glitterbaby?" Adam had stated, smiling.
Tommy remembered nodding and half laughing at the nickname.
"It was rad!" he had replied, and Adam had almost spat out his drink in laughter.
He remembered when Isaac had stuck out his camera in front of them.
"Do we get one last international Lambliff kiss for the fans?" he'd asked.
Adam had simply pulled Tommy into a kiss before he could even realize what was happening.
"There we go" Issac had laughed, capturing the shot and then showing Sasha, who was standing behind him, craning her neck to see the shot on the screen.
He remembered Adam's fingers messing up his hair, and looking up at him in slight protest - although in actuality, he didn't mind.
A car alarm going off beside him snapped him back to reality. He jumped at the sound before looking around and realizing he wasn't in that bar in London anymore - he was still in shitty old Burbank.
It began to rain and he instinctively crossed his arms in front of him in an effort to keep warm.
He thought he felt fingertips running through his hair - but that was just a memory.