CHAPTER 6:
BURNT
Tommy sat on the couch, wrapped comfortably in a black throw, nursing a cup of coffee injected with a small dose of whiskey - just to take the edge off. It became a routine.
Get up. Get dressed. Make a coffee. Watch movies.
He rarely made the effort to explore the outside world. That world was too full of vultures, of questions, of sympathy.
He preferred to stay in the bubble that was home.
He looked briefly over at his red bass leaning up against the wall. There was small fragments of dust forming on the neck.
The day Adam had died, Tommy had made a decision.
He was never going to pick that up again. He wasn't going to keep playing the song that Adam could no longer sing. That single instrument held so many memories, had been so many places. It represented the heart to everything that was GlamNation…And Tommy had made up his mind he was never going to strum those strings again.
He moved aimlessly to the kitchen where the scent of cooking navigated its way up his nose.
"Tommy, you wanna stir that for me?" Dave asked, pointing to a pot.
Tommy had obeyed and busied himself stirring the fettachine around.
His mind began to trail off. Back to noodleboxes backstage…to a place he once knew.
Adam had walked out of the bathroom - changed out of his stage clothes, and instead wearing some loose jeans, a simple t-shirt and a black beanie. Tommy had handed him a box of noodles and watched as Adam had gratefully started picking at them with his chopsticks.
"Great show" he had stated, and he had thrown a smile Tommy's way.
Tommy had returned the smile and pulled his backpack over his shoulder.
"That encore was sweet!" he remembered saying - But Adam had immediately detected something in his tone, something that wasn't quite right.
"Wanna talk about it?" Adam had asked, not feeling the need to ask what was wrong, because he'd known Tommy long enough to know that there was something eating him.
Tommy felt a hand on his shoulder and Adam was leading him to sit down on the couch.
"We gotta…We're ganna be late." Tommy remembered saying, in an attempt to put off the conversation. But Adam didn't seem like he was in any rush.
His eyes fixed on Tommy's - the hand still resting on his shoulder.
He was reading his expression, as if trying to look into Tommy's soul and seek answers.
"You can talk to me" Adam told him.
Tommy remembered looking at the floor - drawing imaginary patterns in the carpet with his eyes. He could feel Adam's eyes on him.
Adam had always been the first to pick up on anything that was wrong. But he was always patient, never forcing anything out.
"It's all ganna end soon, isn't it?" Tommy had spoken the words with care. Adam had nodded. "Yep, this tour done and dusted. Then we can go back to our lives".
Tommy felt like the word 'normal' should've been used somewhere in that sentence, but he knew as well as Adam did, that the word wouldn't have any truth in it.
"Maybe i don't want it to end" the words had tumbled out of Tommy's mouth and he instantly wanted to take them back. He wasn't sure if Adam needed to hear that.
Adam had just nodded, knowingly.
"It's been quite a ride, hasn't it? Its ganna be strange shutting the doors on that last day. But this is just the beginning! Think of next year, all the shows, the new music. Everything's gotta come to an end at some point. Otherwise we just live on a merry-go-round. We'd all go round and round and smile and love it…but even the carnival can get old."
Tommy had just nodded. He wasn't ready to get off the ride yet.
"Hey" Adam had spoken the word before he had reached out a hand and cupped Tommy's face, pulling it to look at him.
Tommy remembered looking into his piercing blue eyes, recognizing that sparkle, smiling at the pink bindi that was still stuck firmly in place between Adam's perfectly plucked eyebrows - but even under all the makeup, Tommy knew the real Adam - the Adam that walked around in his shorts and jandals, who got insecure at times, who missed LA and all his friends there when he was on tour, who without his cellphone would be lost - who under the fierce front, was really a sensitive guy who just wanted to find peace.
There was a moment where they had just looked at each other - taking in the essence of each other's eyes.
Tommy had become suddenly self-conscious and Adam, seeing the uncertain expression, let his hand fall away.
"Adam…" it had come out as a question, but Tommy wasn't sure of what other words he wanted to use to fill the gaps.
"Sorry." Adam said quickly, his gaze had fallen to the floor as if embarrassed.
He went to stand up, but Tommy felt himself reaching out and gripping Adam's arm.
Adam looked back at him and smiled.
Tommy stood up now too.
"Im ganna miss this world" Adam told him.
Tommy was confused. "What world?" he had asked.
He felt a hand on his cheek and then Adam's lips moving against his.
Adam had pulled away after a few minutes - but his hand had hung in the air between them.
"The world where this.." Tommy remembered the way that Adam's fingers had brushed lightly against his skin as he had careful tucked Tommy's fringe behind his ear "…is real".
Tommy still remembered those glossy lips on his, that warm breath on his face…the way Adam had then jumped up and opened the door, ushering Tommy to go ahead. Like nothing had happened. Just a smile on his face, as a reminder that it had.
But noone ever knew what went on behind closed doors…Unless you were the two people behind those doors. Unless you knew…like they did, that perhaps fan service wasn't what it was all about anymore.
Tommy was shocked back to reality by Dave shouting at him.
"Shit Tommy, watch what you're doing!"
Tommy pulled his hand out of the boiling pot. He didn't seem to feel the pain, he just stared at it rather blankly.
"You're burnt…here, let me" Dave was turning the cold tap on and pulling Tommy over to the sink.
Tommy suddenly felt angry, and pulled his arm from Dave's grasp.
"Leave it!" he snarled, and even Tommy had to question whether the tone he picked was a little too harsh.
"Don't do this…" Dave started, but Tommy was already striding away, holding his burnt hand protectively.
"I know i fuckin got burnt! I got burnt by a lot of things, Dave. But where was the cold water then?" he was shouting, and Dave was slightly taken aback.
"Im sorry" he spoke to Tommy's turned back.
"Yeah so's everyone else. But sorry doesn't mean shit, does it? At the end of the day you're still left with a burnt fuckin hand".
Dave fell silent.
He knew they were no longer talking about Tommy's hand in the pot.
Tommy had been burnt. But the fire that's flames had touched him, were not that of a boiling pot of noodles. They were flames from the fire of life.
And as Tommy had refused to get help from anyone….the swelling was worst than ever.